Stop Playing With Your Balls & Play Ball

The World Series may of ended last month with the Chicago White Sox winning for the first time in over 80 years, and although I never intended to write a post about the lack luster sweep, I have been meaning to bring up a few ideas I have in terms of adding a little spice into the sports world. (Stay with me on this non-sport fans, I think you will like it.) I've come to the realization that baseball may be called the American past time, but I find it to be the slowest way to past time, period. It's a game of hurry up and wait...and wait and wait and then wait some more. There needs to be a time limit on how long you can screw around on the mound - grabbing your crotch, spitting and wiping the ball obsessively before you even throw a pitch! There also should be a time limit on how long you can screw around at the plate - hitting your cleats with the bat, adjusting your gloves, touching your hat, pulling up your sleeve...God, enough already and play the damn game you stalers! Are these nervous twitches or are you guys that insecure that you have to fuss with your outfit like a bunch of women prowling for a man on a Saturday night? Nobody is checking out the grass stains on your pants. Just play ball. It's what you get paid millions to do, so do it - play!

That is just G-A-Y! I've had my butt slapped before during a game,
but no grabbing of another's crotch! No, no, no. Gay, gay, gay. Sorry.

Baseball may be one hell of a slow sport, but it's not alone in it's lethargic pace. Why do some sports need to move so slow? I understand there is strategy going on, but there is also something called "planning your attack while attacking". In baseball it seems like there is more thinking and stalling going on then actual game play. Perhaps this is relaxing for the player, but to those watching the game, the lack of fast paced action or just action in general, turns into sheer boredom...or at least for me it does. Now I can attend a baseball game and I do enjoy myself, but that is more because I am drinking, eating and getting to enjoy a warm summer night outside with good company. You won't normally catch me watching baseball on TV, unless I am trying to fall asleep on the couch.

It's not just baseball that is guilty of dragging the game on and making the show a snoozer. Before all the diehard baseball lovers unload on me, let me be fair and say that just about every sport could use a little tweaking to put the action, fun and excitement back into the game. If you know me at all, you know I'm a huge sports fan and in fact I do appreciate just about every sport there is. I have played baseball, basketball, football and boxed. So it's not like I don't know what I'm talking about here. I've come up with some ways to help put the life back into the spectator side of sporting events. Some of the suggestions you may find "offensive", but if that's the case, then let me remind you that if the current disposition of athletes spitting and grabbing their crotch (or in some cases other's crotches) in public doesn't already offend you now, then you have no business in getting your panties in a bind over my suggestions.

Baseball - It's easy to see the biggest problem with the game of baseball moving slow and being boring is that too much time is wasted on the mound and at the plate. So there should be time limits on both. A pitcher would have 5 seconds to either agree to a pitch or shake it off before that ball is to leave his hand. If he exceeds the 5 second rule, then the batter is allowed to charge the mound and beat him senseless with his bat. A similar rule applies to the batter. If he takes longer than 5 seconds to step into the box and assume the batting ready position, then a pitcher is allowed to bean him, hard and without mercy! I think it would only take one or two times after a rule infraction before the players would catch on to the fact that they need to move the game along at a decent pace.

Football - Let's drop the pads and helmets used in American football and follow what the English do, rugby style. Sure we would play the American football game with the same rules, just minus all those wussy paddings and protective head gear. Scrap those mouth pieces and cups too. You won't be needing that because real men play football. Real men hit hard and real men don't know what pain is. So no need to "protect" from pain when the word "pain" doesn't even exist on the gridiron. Are you feeling me on this?

Basketball - Install a must trip rule. It can be a great form of defense and a deterrent to your opponent from getting to the ball first. Ever trip on hardwood? I mean run full speed and fall flat on your face to hear your skin squeal across the floor for a good 10 feet? Have you ever had your knees rocked below the bone after dropping straight down on them? If not then you wouldn't understand. Let's just say it doesn't tickle.

Hockey - Simple. One word. Cheerleaders! Put a bunch of hot cheerleaders crammed together in one of those penalty boxes and lets see how long before the cat fights begin. I can just picture the hair pulling and nail scratching now. It would be the hottest thing on ice!

Bowling - Forget bowling balls and bowling pins. Replace those with midgets and beer bottles! Yes, bowl with a midget into a nice set of perfectly placed Coronas or another beer of your choice. The scoring will remain the same. Just knock down X amount of beer bottles with your desired midget and you win!

Now I can think of other things like for soccer, golf and tennis, but I think you get the idea here. I'm not saying that all of these sports are slow or boring. I'm just saying that anything in life can always use a little extra excitement and it doesn't hurt for me to throw these ideas out in case the MLB, NFL, NBA or NHL is interested in putting the "WHOPPIE" back into the crowd wave.