Stress Reduction Kit

Ever have one of those days where you just want to bash your skull into a brick wall? Ever feel the uncontrollable urge to take your computer and smash it into bits while at the same time slapping a co-worker senseless? Which by the way, there was such a day to indulge in that unspeakable act in case you missed it (11/02/05 Slap Your Irritating Co-Worker Day). Maybe you take a softer approach and you wish you could grab a pillow and scream into it just to break the tension? Do you get so frustrated that you feel as if you could beat up a puppy? Ok, let's not push it here and let Fido live, but we all get stressed from time to time. I'm not angry today, but I am stressed. Sometimes those 2 emotions go hand-in-hand. So if you are feeling like you have the weight of the world on your shoulders and you are ready to break, breathe. Before you are pushed over the edge and beyond, I have some relief for you. It's called the "Stress Reduction Kit". The usage instructions are simple as you will see below.

Enjoy this moment of relief because we all know even after we calm the stress, in due time it returns rearing it's ugly face. Sure there are ways to reduce stress in our lives, but I think I've already talked about that in a previous post some time ago. You are probably aware of what works for you and if not, well then give my Stress Reduction Kit here a try and let me know if it helped sooth you. Just remember to wipe the blood and fragments of human bone off your desk once you are finished with this exercise.

On a side note, I've been super busy lately myself so that is why there are delays in my blog postings. However, I've uploaded a slew of new posts so go check those out because I slaved over them! Ok, I didn't slave really, but you get the point. Somehow I've managed to get myself roped into a job for website design now. How did that happen? Don't ask, long story. It's more of an extra side project. I'm still keeping my day job, just "dabbling" in this for a new challenge. I guess it never hurts to expand your talents or work at a creating new talent. So besides work, social time and the crazy holiday season, things have been a little hectic. Yes, I have a life outside of blogging just like all of you do...or at least I hope you do. You may of also noticed that I haven't had a chance to visit some of my favorite blogs out there. As soon as time allows, I'll surf on by to see what's new and say hey.

Bubble Gum Promises Bigger Boobs

We've all seen the "increase your penis size" advertisements in our e-mail inbox, but what about the ladies? They don't need to increase their penis size, but perhaps they would like to add a few inches to their bosoms. Sure you can go the plastic surgery route, but why go under the knife when you could just pop in some bubble gum, chew and watch your twins grow before your very eyes! Yes, you can now increase your breast size by chewing special bubble gum. To many, this may be the best invention since sliced bread. Finally an experiment worthy of "closely studying" the cause and affects of what a product promises to deliver - bigger boobs. It seems the Doublemint Twins might have a job again.

Sing it with me...
"Double your pleasure. Double your fun.
Double your breast size with Doublemint, Doublemint gum!"

After a year on the Japanese market, the natural breast enhancing dietary supplement is now available to American women. The gum in question is called "B2UP" and is made by the company Good One Ltd. The makers claim that when chewed 3 or 4 times a day, B2UP bubble gum can increase breast size, give a clearer complexion, strengthened hair, improve circulation, reduce stress and fight aging. The British Nutrition Foundation said research had suggested phytoestrogens may be beneficial in post-menopausal women in terms of reducing menopausal symptoms. It may also have beneficial effects on risk factors for heart disease and osteoporosis. Other research has shown it may even be beneficial in breast cancer prevention. Wow and you thought it just delivered non-stick bubbles and if you were lucky it would help fight cavities!

The secret and powerful ingredient is the Pueraria Mirifica root extract also known as Gwao Krua, it is indigenous to the northern and western part of Thailand and Burma. The plant’s underground tubers contain a number of chemicals called Phytoestrogens, natural compounds which apparently mimic the effects of the female sex hormone Oestrogen. Over the years the people realized it had some medicinal qualities to it and started to use it to treat female related medical issues. The company said tests carried out by Thailand’s Chulalongkorn University found Pueraria mirifica therapy was able to enhance breast size up to 80%. Damn!

The gum, which comes in rose flavor (um, what?), has proved so popular that there are plans to start selling it in convenience stores. So what can we gather from all this scientific date and other information? Simple - big boobs are good. I'm joking...well not really. Of course with any new invention/product, there is always some skepticism. However, I don't want to hear from the skeptics. That is like raining on my parade. Although I'm not a large breast connoisseur, I do appreciate something going on in that area as much as the next guy. For now just chew the gum and let's thank science for giving us bigger boobs. You make the world a better place to live and give men a soft place to lay their head at night. Amen.

Cyber Monday, The Biggest Online Shopping Day

If you didn't fall into the chaos of Black Friday, then on the Monday returning to work after the long holiday weekend, you may be one of the millions of people that is partaking in "Cyber Monday". What is Cyber Monday? Well it's the equivalent of what Black Friday is to shopping at the mall, but Cyber Monday is shopping online. The so-called Cyber Monday phenomenon once again played out as workers returned to their 9-5 grind taking advantage of high-speed connections at the office to continue shopping. Many people are saying "forget it" to driving out to retailers and instead are jumping aboard the information superhighway and giving e-tailers (electronic retailers) their business.

Traffic to retail websites by North American shoppers was up almost 50% on Cyber Monday as compared to a month ago. Peak online shopping traffic by online retailers reached more than 1.8 million visitors per minute in North America and more than 3.1 million visitors per minute worldwide, this according to the Akamai Net Usage Index for Retail. Sites like eBay, Best Buy and Target came in as top shopping sites. Now I should be giving you all the statistics like how much is spent online shopping, how long the average consumer spends online shopping for the holidays and all that other crap, but all this shopping talk is making me feel light headed. So let's just assume that big bucks are being passed thru cyberspace and that Betty over there tucked quietly in her cubical, well she has been on Amazon.com for 4 straight hours now. Forget the TPS reports, she's busy pricing out Xbox video games for her twin boys.

I will say this though on the topic of Black Friday and Cyber Monday, you are crazy if you were one of the people who sought out this shitty laptop photographed above. Walmart is partially to blame for inducing those riots over the weekend due to the fact that they put out flyers advertising a $400 laptop, but yet they didn't understand the basic concept of supply and demand. Let me explain it to you for those that failed Economics in college. Any product is only as good as it's supply and demand tied to it. Basically, if you have an abundance of a product and there is no demand for it - the retailer loses because they can't move the product off the shelves. If you have a shortage of a product and the demand for it is overwhelming - the retailer either has to jack up the price to help curb the demand, or they may be facing some very angry shoppers. Such is the case Walmart found themselves in with this dirt cheap laptop.

There is a saying in life "you get what you pay for" and that statement is true. Who in their right mind believes this $400 Walmart no-brand laptop is any good? Trust me, it's crap. Don't think you are doing that computer illiterate person in your family a favor by getting this for them. You are doing them a disservice. Granny will go mad trying to get the thing to run right. Do me a favor, if you were dumb enough to pick this gift up, don't come to me when the thing doesn't work properly. I will be forced to smack you over the head with it for making such a foolish purchase in the first place. Hmm, maybe the Walmart laptop can serve a purpose after all - as a weapon.

Related posts of interest...

• 11/25/05 Black & Blue Friday
• 08/23/05 iBook Sale Turns To An Ugly Stampede
• 04/05/05 Studies Reveal Your Work Productivity or Lack Thereof

Feeling Empty After Mom's Leftovers Are Gone

It's probably normal and very natural to feel a little down after a holiday is over. All the hype leading up to the big day celebration can be a good thing and a bad thing. Good in the sense that it gets you in the mood for all the fun and festivities, bad because if you hype anything up to much and get your expectations sky high, well most of the time you will feel let down when all is said and done. Now don't get me wrong, it's not like I psyched myself up for eating a dead bird with gravy. I mean I like Thanksgiving, actually I love it, but it doesn't make or break my life. I had a very good Thanksgiving Day holiday in fact. It's just that lately I feel sort of like an abandon turkey head. I guess now that all the leftovers my Mom lovingly packed up and sent home with me have since been eaten, I'm just feeling a little empty inside.

It's not just my tummy that feels a little empty these days, it's my heart too. Don't read too much into that. I'm talking more about platonic/family love and not the romantic type. It was so nice having everyone in the family together again. Sure my sister found something to complain about at the table as usual, but I've come accustom to tuning her out and enjoying myself regardless. Her gripe, she felt jaded that her sweet potatoes didn't have enough marshmallow on them because I scooped most of them onto my plate, ha-ha! Hey, that's what you get for not sitting next to Dad where the first of everything gets passed to me first. Live and learn, live and learn.

Ok, so that might sounds a little mean or unthoughtful of me, but I'm not that bad of a guy. In fact, I tried to rectify the situation by really stepping up to the plate big time. Not only did I step up to the plate, I knocked that ball out of the park by OFFERING...not even being tortured, begged or guilted into going...but by OFFERING to take her to the mall on the biggest and craziest shopping day of the year - Black Friday. Here's the funny part. Obviously I try to avoid the mall on that day, but in the past I have gone shopping with her and instead of doing what most people do that day which is to buy gifts for others, we go and buy gifts for ourselves. Selfish and silly, right? I thought it was funny. We didn't plan to do that, but that is how it happened and never realized that until my Mom had pointed it out that we are probably the only people that go shopping that day and buy for ourselves rather than others. At least I know I liked the gift I picked myself out and didn't need to return it.

Anyway, because I don't get to see my sister very often, I wanted to spend a little extra time with her while she was here and that is really the main reason I offered what I did. I broke our previous Black Friday tradition and bought her something (a new outfit) instead of myself. Even complaining sisters need spoiled sometimes. Of course she was more than willing to accept, only a small/polite "no you shouldn't" argument was put up. We both know that is just a front. So even though all the delicious food from turkey day is gone and my family is once again spread out across the US, I feel a little empty inside and miss the close family gathering. However, that sadness melts away like warm marshmallows on sweet potatoes because soon Christmas will be here and we will all be together one more time. Then I will feel "full" again.

(See, you thought this post was going to be gross because of the photo, but it turned out to be sweet after all. Surprise!)

Beer Can Shoved Up A Turkey's Ass - Bon Appetit!

Thanksgiving has come and gone. So perhaps this post is what is referred to as "a day late and a dollar short", but despite that fact, I feel it's a worthy topic of touching upon. The subject of the day - Beer Turkey. Yes, there is such a dish and I'm going to fill you in on what exactly it is and how you can achieve this masterpiece in your own kitchen! Impressed yet? Now don't get worried, we all know I can't cook well and I don't hide that fact. So rest assured that I will not really be teaching you how to cook, but rather sharing the steps and other information I gathered from a little site called "Cooking For Engineers".

You have most likely heard of all the different ways you can prepare a turkey dinner, like TurDuckin (turkey stuffed with duck) or even that deep fried turkey thing that all the 300lbs kids are begging their Moms to make. Beer Turkey is different though. Obvisoly the two main ingredients would be beer and turkey, but it's how you combine these too "delicacies" that makes for great conversation with your Mom, Grandmother, Aunts, sisters and other relatives in the kitchen during the holidays. You take any beer can of choice, just shove it right up the turkey's butt and let that sucker cook just like that. You heard me right. Tell Granny to cover her eyes with that apron because the turkey may of thought he had it bad when his head was chopped off, well he should be thankful that his head is not around to witness this unsightly act about to be performed on his dead lifeless body! Am I making your mouth water yet?

People who didn't know Michael Chu was an engineer could probably figure it out from his approach to cooking a turkey. This year, rather than simply turning on the oven, Chu smoked the bird while steaming it from inside with an open beer can. First, he calculated he'd need a 24-ounce can to fit snugly in a turkey's large cavity. Then, while photographing the bird cooking, he analyzed the effect of the beer steam on the finished product. "I'm not sure it's adding that much flavor because as it evaporates, my feeling is the beer is simply concentrating in the can, but there are people who say it does add flavor" said Chu. He posted the results of his pre-Thanksgiving test on his website, Cooking for Engineers.

While cooking a Thanksgiving dinner doesn't have to be a complicated, technology-intensive task, geek chefs are finding new ways to make it one. From next-generation turkey fryers to grease-sucking sticks to a newly patented method of prepping poultry for grilling, inventors are creating fresh takes on the traditional feast. At the same time, many established but obscure methods are gaining a following. For step by step instructions on how to turn that 20lb Butterball carcass into your own Beer Turkey, visit the site I linked to above.

Black & Blue Friday

It's that time of the year again. The time that retailers and shoppers (mostly crazy women looking for half off signs) both dream of. Frenzied shopping and bargain sales, it could only be Black Friday! Stores opened their doors early this morning to a countless number of shoppers clamoring for the latest deal. Some diehard shoppers braved cold temperatures for hours overnight to get prime spots in line for heavily discounted electronics and toys. Best Buy opened at 5AM and soon ran out of shopping carts. Crowds were surprisingly civil at Toys 'R Us, but the checkout lines were of course long. Nobody will forget Walmart though. Sure Walmart is always remembered on Black Friday for leading the herd in retail, offering to meet or beat any other stores advertised pricing. Although this year they will be remember for the mayhem and rioting that ensued in numerous Walmart stores. They turned "Black Friday" into "Black & Blue Friday".

It's no surprise that the hot gifts on everyone's wish lists this year will be electronics. Such items include flat-panel HDTVs, Apple's IPod and Microsoft's new Xbox 360. Now everyone likes to get a good deal on a hot product, but do we need to stomp, punch, mace and even shot people to get it? If you are a Walmart shopper, the answer is a boisterous YES! Maim, kill, whatever you need to do to get the job done so that tacky blowup snowman statue is in your cart with a $9.99 price tag on it. In Walmart stores across the country, patience grew thin while tempers rose escalating into assaults and full fledged riots!

In Des Moines, Idaho there was literally an XBox shootout requiring the use of overwhelming force by local S.W.A.T. teams and the deployment of the Iowa National guard. At the same store, a shopper punched a Walmart clerk in the face after he was informed that the product he was looking to buy was sold out. In Orlando, Florida a man cutting in line was attacked by a group of angry Walmart shoppers. Security had to be called in to handle the situation. In a Texas Walmart, an off duty police officer is accused of spraying mace into a crowd to "calm them". Finally in Grand Rapids, Michigan an elderly woman (as picture above) is one of the many who was trampled when Walmart doors opened and shoppers pushed their way in. What's wrong with these people? If saving some pennies is more important to you than who's geriatric body is cracking under your Nikes, then you have a serious problem.

Retailers have been offering rebates and other deals to get shoppers out since shortly after Halloween. While retailers where initially concerned about the impact of Katrina and other storms on product shipments, those fears have now largely disappeared. According to the National Retail Federation, on average shoppers spend $738 on gifts for friends, family and co-workers. This year the the NRF predicts a robust sales season with gains around 6%. However, only 13% of holiday shoppers began the annual consumer tradition today. The holiday shopping season is often the most important for most consumers with around 25% to 40% of retail sales taking place during the next 6 weeks. A whopping 59% of shoppers have started before Black Friday! (Who are these insane early birds?) This is a number that is increasingly rising. Of course for most men, Dec 24th still remains our biggest shopping day.

Early word from retailers indicates that this may be the start of a very happy holiday season...minus the trampled old lady still lying on the ground at Walmart. Ahh, the spirit of the holiday season is in full affect now. Can you feel it? Love, I mean blood, is in the air. I leave you with a great quote from one Walmart store manager by the name of Alexander Hayes. After he himself had been trampled by shoppers and tasered by police, Hayes told reporters that next year Walmart will most likely not "roll back prices" so low on Black Friday. Finally, a "Walmarter" with some common sense. Until then, I guess let the bodies hit the floor. It's a free-for-all out there people, so use caution when picking up that perfect gift. You may very well have to shed blood, sweat and tears to do it.

To Whom It May Concern

This is not really related to my blog, but then in a way it is. It's more of a personal statement of sorts. I shouldn't really feel the need to say this, nor should I be put into a situation where I need to say something like this, but nevertheless I am so here goes.

Some of you may of noticed I turned on the "comment moderation" option for my blog. There are 2 reasons for this. One reason is to help reduce spam and the second reason is to make this site an enjoyable place for all to visit. In the past a small select group of people want to turn this into a public place to bash others. It's not just done to myself, but also to my friends and other bloggers who visit here...not to mention they follow me onto other people's blogs that I comment on and continue the rude remarks and other nonsense there. I want to apologize to those of you who have had this trickle onto your blog as a result of you posting on mine. I don't know what advice to give here, but I suppose it might be best to just do what I do, which is try and ignore the people that are causing this and carry on with your blog as usual. Like many, I find their behavior not only uncalled for and wrong, but also an annoyance that borderlines on harassment.

In the past I've also said, stick to the topic and don't personally attack me or anyone else who comes here. They are simple rules and should be easy to follow as I'm sure everyone would agree. Unfortunately, that request always falls on deaf ears. So since I am wasting my breathe asking for that, I thought I would just use what Blogger has provided to help enforce that policy. I apologize to those that find this inconvenient or misread this as a form of censorship. Please understand that I am all for you expressing your opinion no matter what it is and no matter if I agree with it or not, BUT I am NOT for allowing my site to be the hosting grounds for personal feuds. Also rest assure that I am NOT censoring anyone, even those in question here. You can guarantee that I will post your comments no matter what you say or who you are as long as it's topic related and/or is not a personal attack on anyone - me, my friends, other bloggers, anyone.

Lastly, I want to say to those of you that continue to insult me, twist things, then go on trying to intimidate and threaten me, what makes you think I should want to speak to you after that? When you ask to speak to me, it should be no shocker that I refuse or just simply ignore you. For that very reason I will not give you e-mail or my cell number and I've been on AIM plenty, I just do buddy list only. So assume what you like and believe what you like. There has never been any convincing you otherwise. I feel from day 1 you had it in your heads to hate me and I don't know why. You only ever hear bits and pieces of a one-sided story (when we all know there are always 2 sides to anything) and any important details or explanations you don't want to hear. Frankly, I'm tired of feeling like I need to constantly defend and prove myself to all of you. It's ridiculous. You rather assume you know all and then run with that tale. I've asked numerous times for you to leave me alone, politely in fact. For whatever reason you have yet to do that, despite the fact that I haven't been bothering you. It should be no surprise why I have cut all contact from people that are constantly trying to cause me problems when there is no problem. I'm sorry if you think I am some terrible person or some criminal or whatever it is you are calling me now. If I was such a bad guy, your daughter/friend I'm sure would of never given me the time of day. So contrary to what you would like people to believe, I must not be that awful. I'm sorry you seem me as the enemy though.

What I am most sorry for is your daughter/friend. I really am. She's a nice girl and I wish she had people in her life that would listen to her when she has asked them herself to "but out". You tell me you are trying to help her, well I'm pretty sure making this mess doesn't help anyone, including her. In fact what it is doing is making me never want to speak to her again. Perhaps that is your wish. If so, it may be granted. The last time I talked with her, we didn't end things badly. In fact I made it clear that I would need some "alone time" for awhile before I could see her as only a buddy. She understood that. So I don't understand what the problem is here? She told me she was dating and told me she was happy. Whether you believe it or not, I'm happy for her. I hope things work out there for her and I wish that I can be friends with her after all of this. However, with the rate you guys are going, I don't feel I will even want to be a "friend". Just an FYI, if I ever have anything to say on this again, it will be to HER, not any of you. After all, this was between us and should of never had all her friends and family dragged into our business to begin with.

Ok sorry for the odd post today. I will get back to tech news and other funnies when I get a chance.

Put On Your Eating Pants, It's Thanksgiving Day

Not to worry, I am not blogging on a holiday. I'm uploading this post a day early and then I'm off to enjoy the 2nd biggest drinking night of the year! Besides New Year's Eve, the day before Thanksgiving has always been one of the best nights to go out. So I'm going to have some fun (driving thru the snow) and enjoy my long 4 day weekend away from work and away from blogging. I've added a bunch of new posts, so you can check those out if your eyes aren't too glazed over from all the eating...and/or drinking. Happy Thanksgiving and see you on Monday!

Those aren't our family pets.
Although I'm now tempted to dress one of the dogs and the cat up like that.
I'll add that to my Thanksgiving Day festivity to-do list.

The big day has arrived! Thanksgiving is one of my favorite holidays. What's not to love - food and football all day long! If you ask me, it's a small slice of heaven. Then throw in some alcohol along with close family and friends to celebrate with and you have yourself one great day. I'm really looking forward to the long 4 day weekend. I've been cramming in all this last minute stuff at work so I can let my mind relax during the time off and just focus on cramming food in my face instead. I didn't paint a pretty picture there, did I? Anyway, it's time to put on your "eating pants" (famous phrase from Joey on Friends) because the festivities are about to begin!

I called my Mom and asked her what I needed to bring to dinner. Now we both know she isn't going to tell me to prepare a side dish. That would just be cruel to everyone involved - cruel trying to turn me into a chef and even crueler to those that would have to suffer eating my makeshift dish. So she said the magic words that I long to hear..."just bring your appetite". Perfect! Now THAT is something I can do and do very well. She also mentioned I should bring some plastic containers so I could take leftovers home. That's even better news - music to my ears. I don't want to come empty handed even though we are all family and they could care less if I did, but I'm going to pick up some flowers for my Mom and grab a nice bottle of red wine for dinner so I feel like I did do something.

They are calling for a little more snow for Thanksgiving Day, just a dusting. However, it will make great football weather. Sometimes on Thanksgiving a group of my friends get together and play a little pickup game of touch football (ok I should say tackle football because we get a little pumped up and carried away) at the local high school field. I enjoy taking part in that, but what I enjoy more is just shooting some hoops with my Dad in the driveway - just the two of us. He's always instructing me on how to get the perfect backspin off the basketball so it swooshes the net. Unfortunately for him, there is little swooshing going on and alot of bricks being thrown up. Clang after clang he tells me "oh, close one, give me another shot, I got it this time". I try not to laugh and encourage him by saying things like "yeah Dad that was right there, the rim must just be tight". I wonder this year if he will encourage the alley-oop pass to me. He enjoys seeing if I can dunk the ball while the dog takes out my legs at the same time. Maybe he is trying to kill me so there will be more turkey on the table for him?

No matter what happens, once again this year I will take my coveted seat, not at the head of the table of course since that's reserved on one end for my Dad and the other for my Grandma, but I will be seated at the "right hand of the Father" - literally. If you ask me, it's the best seat in the house. Sitting on the right hand side of my Dad excuses me from the turkey carving duties and instead places me 1st in line for the passing of food - always pass to your right as the old man says. That means I get the first slice of turkey, the first pour of gravy and the first scoop of everything! If that wasn't good enough, it also places me away from the kitchen which means if anyone needs a drink refill or something is missing from the table like salt, then that duty is on the shoulders of someone else sitting nearer to the kitchen. I know this all sounds incredibly lazy or maybe even a little male-showvanistic (however you spell that), but really it isn't. It's called being "smart". It's about getting my turkey priorities straight, my list of tasks start and end with eating lots! Then once the tryptophan kicks in I will be utterly useless and that will bring my holiday to an end...at least until it's time for a late night turkey sandwich!

So this Thanksgiving Day, let me leave you with the best dinner prayer of all. It goes like this..."good God, good meat, good bread, let's eat". It's heartfelt, isn't it?

Home Is Where The Heart Is

With Thanksgiving Day less than 24 hours away now, I've been thinking about my family more than ever and reminding myself what is important in life - what I should cherish and hold onto. I don't have a huge family, but the family I do have is pretty tight. Growing up at times I wished we had a bigger family because it would of meant more cousins to play with and just alot more action...and of course more food during get-togethers. However, thru the years I've realized that what I have is just perfect. The small tight-nitch family I think suits me best. It's more intimate, the bonds between different family members seem to be stronger. I like the fact that during the holidays or any family get-togethers there is never any awkwardness, well usually never. I like the fact that the second I walk in my parent's house I feel at ease, a sense of calmness comes over me. It may sound silly, but you can almost feel the love.

It was my home growing up so it's only natural I feel a connection to that house. It's funny seeing my old bedroom with alot of my posters still on the walls. I think my Mom likes to keep it the way I left it since I was "the last birdie to fly the nest". Perhaps it's her nostalgia. It's not just inside the house that touches something in me, it's outside too. When I stand in the grass, I recall the summer days of playing tag and seeing that one tree at the other end of the yard that we use to race to. It seemed to be so far away when I was little, but now I see that the distance isn't that long. Even in the driveway I look up at my old basketball hoop still standing with the breakaway rim and rust forming on the pole. The net is frayed and faded from the sun. There are still dirt marks on the backboard from when I use to go out late at night, even in the rain, and practice my 100 free throws. It takes me back to being 14-years-old again. There's alot of memories there, too many for me to even begin listing. I'm happy to say for the most part, they are very good memories. This year I feel will be a little extra special because my sister is home for only the second time since she moved more than 3,000 miles away. Obviously the bulk of my time I will want to hangout with her. I can't believe I just said that. For someone I didn't get along with very well growing up, I actually miss her. (I hope she doesn't read this or I will never live that down.)

Traditionally during my family's Thanksgiving, all the women gather in the kitchen to chit-chat and cook while the guys tend to hang in the living room watching the game. Now don't think I am super lazy and I don't want to help prepare the meal. I would help, but if you know me, then you know I can't cook very well. So my Mom sort of "bans me" from the kitchen. No, it's not that bad. She just has prepared this meal for so many years that she has it down to a science and she doesn't want me in there messing up her work. I can understand that and I don't blame her. She will only delegate the most idiot-proof cooking tasks for me to handle, like sorting the cranberries - separate the good ones from the bad ones. Impressive skill huh? Yes, that's my job and I mange not to screw it up either, which is even more impressive! One of these days I am going to blow everyone away and whip up Thanksgiving all on my own! Ha-ha, even I have to laugh at that. I am working on my cooking skills though. It's part of my "becoming a better man" program I've enrolled myself in.

So now is the time I am suppose to be thankful for something right? Well I am thankful for many things, but I've decided that they are a little too personal and I'm not going to share them on my blog. Sometimes the world doesn't need to hear what is in your heart. Sometimes it's good enough if I know what's in there even if nobody else does. Before anyone goes off assuming things, no I didn't go and fall in love or anything like that. I'm sure that is what my Grandmother would like to hear, but she will have to make-do with just having me at the table this year, minus any girlfriend. I guess the only time it does get a little awkward around my family is when my Grandmother has to pry into the grandkid's lives about who we are dating.

In the past I'll have to admit that I did invite someone to Thanksgiving who wasn't an official girlfriend, in fact I barely knew her that well at the time. Although she was someone I did like alot and was eager to get to know better. In the back of my mind I was kind of thinking "this will be great because Granny won't ask me that awkward question again". Of course that isn't really why I asked her to join me. Part of me felt bad that she wasn't as close with her family as I am with mine and because of that it sounded like she really didn't have any plans. Another part of me, the more deciding factor, was that I thought this would be a good opportunity to get to know her better and I felt like my family is very non-threatening to guests and she will feel right at home...or at least I hoped, that was my plan. I wanted her to feel like she fit in, I wanted it too. Whenever I want my Mom or any of my family to meet someone I'm interested in, I like to think that the girl would find that to be a good sign. It's a sign that I think highly enough of her that I want to share a part of my life with her, my roots. I want to share the funny stories, the strange traditions, the little quarks that make my family who they are. I want to show the place where I grew up, the things I did, the faces that smiled and laughed with me when we would go sled riding or swimming. I feel the way I was brought up and those that surround me somewhat makeup the person that I am today. They have had a great influence on my life and they are the very people that I care about the most. I value their views and look for their acceptance on any "newcomer" I shall meet.

Unfortunately she politely declined my offer and although I was disappointed, I understood. I guess like most men, I don't deal with rejection that well. It's part of life, it will happen in one form or another, but it does make you hesitate to take a step forward after taking that step back. I do my best to make whoever I am with always feel comfortable in a new surrounding with unfamiliar faces. I know for them it can feel awkward, but I like to pride myself on making them feel at ease and letting them know they are accepted into "the group". My family is pretty laid back and easy to get along with. My Mom's motto has always been "if you like her, I like her". Now if I don't like someone, then my Mom doesn't automatically take my side. She tries to be indifferent to it. I know that may be hard to believe because alot of parents aren't like that, but one quality about both my Mother and Father that I admire is that they have always kept their advice to themselves. My Mom has never been nosey in my life, concerned yes, but never pries. She lets me approach the subject with her first, if I have a problem or something is on my mind, and only then will she give me her views on the matter. It's something that has seem to work very well between us for years and I hope it stays that way. I think that is just another reason why the moment I walk into that house on Thanksgiving, that I will feel comfort. To understand me, you have to understand my heart and home is where my heart is. That is me.

Cute & Cuddly Panda Bears Get No Love

As you may know, Panda bears are on the endangered species list. One main reason why there are so few Pandas in the world is because Pandas just aren't "doing it". To put it another way, Pandas are indifferent to sex! Yes, it's hard to believe, but true. Most Panda bears give birth through artificial insemination. It may not be the most fun way to "do it", but it gets the job done. There have just been 25 cubs this year and only 21 have survived. Although those numbers sound low, the record for births and survival rates are up ever since China took up the breeding challenge in the 1960s. There are about 1,590 Pandas in the wild and 161 in zoos. Because it’s so difficult for Pandas to reproduce in captivity or in the wild, scientists have resorted to artificial insemination, sperm banks and even showing the Pandas videos on natural mating in the wild to arouse their sexual instincts. You can refer to that as Panda porn!

Ok, listen. Let me help you here buddy.
You need to be on the OTHER end after the foreplay session has ended.
Am I making sense to you? It's just like the movie showed.

Am I am the only one that is disturbed that there are scientists wasting thousands, if not millions, of dollars on Panda porn flicks? Do they really think that a creature with no sex drive whatsoever is going to be turned on enough by porn to go out there and get a little loving in? I think it's going to take more than that. Perhaps they need a more romantic setting - set the mood with candles, soft music and rose pedals? A longer courtship? More kissing and holding? Sweet gestures like flowers and love notes? Then again, perhaps the Panda is happy with his present situation of eating leaves and basking in the sun. Maybe a female Panda shaking her big old fluffy ass in front of him only makes him yawn. I don't know, you would have to ask the Panda his thoughts.

I can't help but be curious as to what exactly are on these movies. Do they just jump straight to the action or is there that ever riveting porno storyline leading into the "big scene"? I'm thinking it's something along the lines of a sexy female Panda seductively climbing a bamboo tree and gazing down at her soon to be lover. Of course there is forest music grooving in the background. Do they have Panda porn titles like "The 3 Little Bears", assuming it would be a threesome? As you can see, I am full of questions on this topic. According to the director of the Giant Panda Breeding Technology Committee (yes, there is such a thing), she says that "female Pandas are extremely picky about Mr. Right". Hmm, sounds alot like the human female species. So they raise panda cubs in pairs hoping puppy love will create soul-mate couples. Unfortunately, even that doesn't seem to be doing the trick. I suppose that is when some genius came up with the concept of introducing Panda porn into the mix. Talk about taking your cute and cuddly bear and turning him into a dirty little animal.

Pandas show little instinctive reproductive behavior in captivity, especially sexual desire, essential for natural mating and conception. Statistics show that fewer than 10% of male Pandas mate naturally and fewer than 30% of females conceive naturally. So I guess a little Panda Porn 101 may not be a bad idea after all. Even if it fails to stimulate their sexual desire, there's always Viagra for Panda bears right?

Mom-To-Be Calls Unborn A Passenger

Most major cities have what is called the HOV (High Occupancy Vehicle) lane on their highways/freeways. The HOV lane, as you probably know, is that extra lane or two of the road that you can drive in if you are carrying 2 or more people in your car. Originally, the HOV lane was invented to help encourage people to car pull, thus cutting down on all those nasty polluting exhaust fumes and saving the earth's ozone layer...a little. Of course most people see the HOV lane as the lane you can drive really fast in, blowing by all those slow bastards stuck in bumper to bumper traffic next to you. It's only natural that you take advantage of the HOV lane whenever possible. Some people take advantage of the HOV lane by cheating a little, like having a blowup doll ride shotgun. However one Mommy-to-be took a rather unique approach to getting herself in the HOV lane and here is her story.

A pregnant woman, who was ticketed for driving in the carpool lane, will have her day in court next month to argue that her unborn child counts as a second person in the car. 23-year-old Candace Dickinson stated "I understand the reasoning for the HOV lane, but whether my son is in a car seat versus in my stomach, I don’t get it. It’s the same thing." The near-full-term Ahwatukee Foothills woman was driving to work, on Interstate 10 near Interstate 17 at 6AM last week, when a Phoenix police officer pulled her over. The officer asked how many people were in the car. The driver answered "two". The officer said "no, one". The woman went on to explain that she was 9 months pregnant and she had her son in the car with her. The way the law is written, he can occupy the vehicle without occupying a seat. Officer Frank Valenzuela, spokesman for the Arizona Department of Public Safety, said this is not a common occurrence on Valley freeways. He said the law’s intent is not to include pregnant women, but to increase vehicle occupancy to conserve fuel and reduce traffic. Hmm, maybe that law should be rewritten to include pregnant woman then?

So does the pregnant woman have a valid point, a reasonable argument for using the HOV lane? That is what a court will need to decide. Much like the debate of whether a fetus is a living being or not when it comes to abortion issues, this story also teeters on the edge of controversy. Personally, I feel the baby is very much alive and counts as a human being. It has life, that is evident thru ultrasounds and sonograms. Sure the baby may not actually be born yet, but it's in this world just the same if you ask me. I don't care if the baby is in her womb or in a car seat, it's still a baby and counts as occupant #2 in the car. So if you ask me, this woman had every right to use the HOV lane. It may be a technicality and something not everyone has thought about before, but when you do stop and think, it makes sense. I hope this woman wins her court case. I would say she is one smart Mamma!

Girl Earns $5,000 From Speedy Text Messaging Fingers

Old western movies usually take place in the west, obviously. However the fastest hands aren't from the west, they are from the east - in Ohio in fact. An Ohio girl won $5,000 this week by typing out a 160-character text message on a cell phone in 2 minutes, 23 seconds. Troy Field, age 17, had hoped to set a world record with her flying fingers, but fell short of the goal set by competition sponsor Alltel. A woman in Singapore holds the record at 43 seconds. For the competition, the five finalists in the contest had to tap out: The razor-toothed piranhas of the genera Serrasalmus and Pygocentrus are the most ferocious freshwater fish in the world. In reality they seldom attack a human.

Now I consider myself to have a pretty decent typing speed, but that's on a regular keyboard. Have you ever tried typing on a cell phone? It's not easy if you ask me. The buttons are small, flat and too close together. I find texting on my phone to be a pain in the ass...I mean a pain in the fingers. I have to hand it to this teenager for typing as fast as she did. I guess when you are that age and you walk thru the mall with your head down glued to your cell phone texting your pal back and forth, you tend to brush up on your skills quickly.

Blogger Comment Moderation & Outage Indicator

Blogger has introduced a frequently-asked for feature, "Comment Moderation". By using this feature, you can approve or reject what would-be commenters are looking to post before it goes live on your blog. This is useful in situations where you're looking for a bit more control over the conversation hosted on your blog. Additionally, comment moderation will prevent unwanted comment spam if previous deterrents like word verification have proven insufficient. You can choose to moderate your comments via either e-mail or from blogger.com. To enable the feature go to "Settings" and then the "Comment" tab of your blog. As always, more information on how to use this feature can be found in the Blogger Help section.

I might give this new comment moderation option a try, although it may only be temporary if it gets annoying. This will help cut down on the spam and other nonsense posts that have cluttered up my blog's comment section. In the past some people have complained about having to weed thru alot of junk just to get to the "real comments", so I'm hoping this solves that problem without needing to turn off the ability for users to post anonymously if they choose to do so. So post your comments as usual. When comment moderation is turned on and you click publish comment, a message at the very top of the page will say "Your comment has been saved and will be visible after blog owner approval".

In addition to "Comment Moderation", something called "Outage Indicator" has been introduced by the folks at Blogger. Every now and then the Blogger service is pulled offline to do some maintenance on their servers. In the past, the Blogger Status webpage was the most comprehensive place for outage alerts, but who wants to have to check another blog? So instead there is a new way to let you know of upcoming outages: the Blogger status indicator. It’ll show up on your Dashboard and on pages under the Posting tab and warn of any scheduled outages that might disrupt your posting. This indicator checks in with Blogger every minute to see if there’s an outage coming up. This means that, even if you’re working on a long post and haven’t refreshed the page in a while, you’ll get notification just the same. As an added bonus, if the indicator can’t get in touch with Blogger, either because it's down or because you’re not connected to the Internet, it’ll warn you that you probably won’t be able to post. Despite all this, if by some trick of fate you lose a post to a Blogger outage, to network trouble or to a browser crash, you can usually recover it by using your browser’s back button or the recover post link on the posting page.

Light Up The Night

It's tradition around here that the Friday prior to Thanksgiving is "Light Up Night" in the city. If you have never heard of that, basically it's the big "tado". (I never thought I would use that word. I'm not even sure if it's a real word. I think it's made-up slang from my Mom.) People will gather to "eww and ahh" at the big Christmas tree that will be lit up for the first time. All the stores will have their holiday displays in the windows with the mechanical kids and little train sets. Fireworks will be launched and there will be caroling, ice-skating, Santa Claus, cookies and all that warm fuzzy stuff. It's just a way to kick off the season. Now if you ask me, first things first - ah, what about my turkey?

Yeah I like Christmas, but slow down. I will be all giddy like a little boy on Christmas morning one week from today, but not today. Yes, wait until next Friday - AFTER my turkey has digested and THEN I will get into the Christmas spirit. The day after Thanksgiving is always the big shopping day and I've always considered it the official start to the holiday season, not this "Light Up Night" junk. Hopefully I won't be con into going to the mall that day...unless it's done right with a giant turkey leg in hand, in that case I may cave. Right now I want to focus on visualizing the spread my Mom will be whipping up this Thursday. Ahh, can you smell it already? I love Thanksgiving! When you are a lousy chef like myself, you are very, very thankful come Thanksgiving Day. Just trust me on that. My Mom will be sure to send me home with plenty of leftovers. I can't say they will last long, but I can say they will be appreciated and devoured! Let me say thanks ahead of time - thanks Mom!

Somehow I've got myself roped into going to "Light Up Night". No, there is no turkey leg waving in front of my face, but I'm going regardless. Instead of smelling turkey, I smell the crisp cold November air. Breathe it in with me - ahh! There is something about that first cold day. The air just smells different, a good different. It's actually a little invigorating I feel. It's like your lungs are opening up for the first time in months while you suck in that chill that nearly takes your breath away. Some people may hate the sound of that, but I tend to enjoy it. It just reminds me that snowboard season isn't far off! I'll need to wax up my board and start counting down the days to the season opening first run down the mountain. Now THAT I would definitely take over a turkey leg. However for now, I will spend the night feeling a little like the Grinch while the big fat guy in a red suit rings a bell on the street corner. I will try to block him out as to not mess up my concentration of catching snowflakes on my tongue. It is a skill you know, so don't knock it.

***UPDATE***
I'm not sure if I will get any new posts up for awhile. With Thanksgiving coming up, I have family that will be in town so blogging won't be a priority obviously. If I get some time, I will post though. If not, Happy Thanksgiving!

Smoke Today And The Chipmunk Gets It!

As some of you may be aware, today is the "Great American Smokeout". Don't ask me why it only applies to Americans. Perhaps other courtiers are not chastised for smoking like here in the US? I don't know, but I do know that if you are a smoker, then it's time to put down that cancer stick. You know it's bad for you, inconvenient and a costly habit. Just look at places like NY, smoking is banned nearly everywhere you go. Now this post isn't to start a debate between smokers and non-smokers. It's a post to remind you once again of the obvious, that you are killing yourself by smoking...or rather killing an innocent chipmunk! (I'll get to what I mean by that later.) Personally, nothing is a bigger turnoff than a smoker to me. Kissing a smoker is like licking an ashtray. I just can't get into it, sorry. The smell, the nicotine fingers, just the whole picture isn't pretty to me.

If you smoke, the American Cancer Society claims they can help you kick the habit. Don't worry, I won't bore you with the same old dull dreary statistics you can get on every other website. However, I will say that people who plan a quit attempt in advance double their odds of succeeding. So why not give up cigarettes for the day, maybe forever? You will gain precious years to your life and in the process you will lose nothing, well maybe the occasional "nic fit". Ok, still not convinced to quit smoking? Then what if I were to tell you that if you smoke today, then the chipmunk gets it? You have no clue what I am talking about. I see the confused look on your face, so let me explain.

I'm riding home from work and I have my sunroof open. The guy in the car in front of me is smoking like a chimney. The wind is blowing from his car to mine and I get a huge engulfing whiff of his Marlboro. So I look to find my "close sunroof" button and in the process of doing that, I have to take my eyes off the road for a split second. Next thing I know a small bump is felt under my left wheel. I look in my rearview mirror and there is a little chipmunk all laid out. Needless to say the little fighter wasn't putting up a fight anymore. He became more of a teeny tiny speed bump of sorts. Well perhaps the right thing to do would of been to pull over and pour a little liquor for a fallen homie, but it was rush hour so I sped up. I didn't want to miss the next green light. Rude, yes but don't blame me, blame the smoker. That's right, if it wasn't for his smoke pollution gagging me, I would of left my sunroof alone, remained focused on the road and swerved to miss "Alvin". I've taken the liberty of naming him that since I didn't catch his name. So Alvin I'm sorry. Like I said back to the little mouse I took out, RIP little buddy, RIP.

Now don't all you smokers feel bad? If not, you should. Your dirty habit cost Alvin his life! This winter there will extra nuts scattered throughout the US. Nuts that little Alvin would of packed with love to take home and feed his family - his non-smoking family. Now put out that cigarette or another chipmunk gets it!

Going Down?

Usually the phrase "going down" means...well you know what it means. However, get your heads out of the gutter for a few minutes because this post is clean...well as clean as hacking can get. Most of us step into an elevator on a fairly regular basis. One by one, people get on and the question that is always asked is "going down?" It's seems like a harmless enough question, unless of course you are in a hurry and having to bypass all these floors just to get to your destination is really inconvenient. So how about I solve that problem for you? How about I make you a selfish and inconsiderate person by giving you the ability to skip the floors that your fellow elevator riders request and have it take you straight to the floor of your choice? Sounds great, right? Here is how it's done...

This elevator hack works best in big buildings where it takes you to eternity to reach just the 30th floor. The only thing you need to do is press down, the close door button and the floor you would like to go to at the same time. That's it, so simple even a monkey could do it! Then it should skip all the floors that people want to get on and go straight to your floor that you would like to get off on. Of course this naturally will piss some people off, but what do you care? You are in a hurry so let them be mad. You won't have to be on the elevator any longer to hear them complain anyways. Ahh, genius! This trick works on many office elevators. I find it works the easiest on: Otis Elevators, Dover Elevators and most Desert Elevators. So go ahead and give it a shot. Then watch the faces around you either turn to amazement or rage. Hey, at least it will help speed up and spice up the morning commute.

Now the only time I wouldn't use this "hack" is when a really good looking woman gets on the elevator with you. In that case, time is of the essence. So you want to keep the elevator ride as long as possible. Try "accidentally" leaning up against the buttons, setting them all off. Then be sure to apologize to her for your mistake and ask if you can make it up to her by treating her to dinner. Now all my tricks here may or may not work for you. I'm just the messenger, so it's up to you to perfect the skills. Good luck!

Catch Your Own Dinner At The $2 Lobster Arcade

You have a hot date, your girl has a craving for seafood and you're flat broke. What's a guy to do? Take her to get a $2 lobster meal of course! Sounds real classy, doesn't it big spender? I know what you are thinking - lobster costs more than 2 bucks and any lobster advertised for that little has to be disgusting or some type of trick, right? Wrong. Ok, there is a catch. The catch is you have to catch the lobster yourself! Don't worry, you don't need to put on some waders and jump into the ocean. Nope, all you have to do is a have a knack for those arcade games where you maneuver the claw hand around to pick a prize of your choice. This time there aren't lame stuffed animals. This time there are living lobsters just waiting to be picked, boiled and eaten by your sweetie.

This takes the old sport of fishing and the vending machine business to a whole new level. Fishing in a bar or restaurant can be entertaining and challenging, plus you don't have to put on any mosquito repellant. Whenever you can spend more time drinking rather than worrying about contracting the West Nile virus, I think that's a good thing. For just $2 customers can "cast" and catch their own lobster dinner. "The Maine Lobster Game" is a solid state designed made of a powder-coated 3L stainless steal frame, thermo-glass tank and the highest quality parts (bio-filtration, chillers, dollar bill validators). This game can produce in upwards of $2,000 per week! With a profit like that, it's easy to see why it's in high demand. Now my only question, what do I do with the lobster once I catch it? I can't cook very well and the game promises nothing about preparing it for me. Damn. Just when I thought I won, I really lost. I guess I have a new $2 pet that I have to walk now.

To learn more about "The Main Lobster Game" and see it in action, check out their site at www.lobstergame.com

Do Not Call List For Cell Phones

Few things in life are more frustrating and annoying than the pesky telemarketer who calls while you are trying to eat dinner, watch a movie, take a nap, whatever it is you like to do with your free time. With the ever-expanding use of cell phones and the further development of do-not-call lists, telemarketers have now developed another way to be a pest, by calling your cell phone. Now if you enjoy a telemarketer eating up the air time on your cell phone, then by all means, keep listening to them rattle on about how you have just won a fabulous Carnival Cruise for two! Now if you are like me and you do not care to hear how lucky I am to be the one they drew for a new satellite TV dish, then read on for ways to shake the telemarketers, take back your cell phone minutes and take back your leisure time.

The main way for cell phone users to avoid these telemarketers is to sign up for the "National Do Not Call Registry" established by the Federal Communications Commission. This can be done two ways: either by registering on the FCC website at www.ftc.gov/donotcall or by calling 1-888-382-1222 from the phone you wish to register. The registry is open to both land lines and cell phones and is free for both. Also, there are no deadlines for when you must register. Many rumors had been started over the past few months about deadlines for registering cell phones before it would be attacked by computerized telemarketers. Along with there being no deadlines, the FCC prohibits telemarketing companies from using automated dialing machines. The federal government and all state governments are enforcing the registry. However, while they do say they will stop the majority of the calls, they don't guarantee complete protection from telemarketers. While the registry only protects phones from telemarketers, it does not protect from political callers, calls from companies from which one has purchased things or bill collectors.

Now if we could only find a way to stop those crazy Jehovah Witnesses from banging on the door looking to save and covert you, then this would truly be a great day. Notice I'm not going to rip on the Girl Scouts. Who else would come to you offering sweet goodies to devour at the low, low price of just $5 a box? These kids are God sent! Ok, so 5 bucks a box is a rip-off, but it does go to a good cause. Give the little girl a break, she isn't the one that jacks up the price. She's just the middle man...er middle girl. So fork out the cash and buy a couple boxes of the Tagalongs. You'll be glad you did!

We Need A Time Out From T.O.

Part of you may feel sorry for someone who wastes their gifts through self-destructive behavior and it's frustrating to see them just throw it all away. It's never a good thing to watch someone battle their own personal demons - whether they are drugs, alcohol or even mental disorders. It's a constant battle for control and most of the time everyone loses. Such is the case in the Terrell Owens, better known as "T.O.", fiasco. The Philadelphia Eagles may have lost a talented wide receiver, Owens may of lost himself a career and his money hungry sports agent Drew Rosenhaus has defiantly lost some serious cash from all of this. However, there is much to be gained and lessons to be learned from this ordeal - lessons about business, relationships and life.

In case you haven't heard, let me fill you in on the T.O. fiasco. Here is a guy that needs to take a word of advice from Donald Trump and learn what the word "loyalty" means. "When employees and employers, even coworkers, have a commitment to one another, everyone benefits. I have people who have been in business with me for decades. I reward their loyalty to the organization and to me. I know that they'll always be dedicated to what we're trying to accomplish. The reason I have so many loyal people in the Trump Organization is that the loyalty is reciprocated. A lot of companies feel that dedication is a one-way street, but I think that's an easy way to lose good, talented people". - Donald Trump Did you get any of that T.O., is it sinking in? Bottom line, people will treat you how you treat them. As The Donald says, there is nothing worse than a disloyal person. Don't hire them and if they already work for you, get rid of them. They will only bring the company down - they are no good.

Pro football may be a sport, but it's also a business and needs to be treated as such. Yes, T.O. is a gifted athlete, there is no question about it. Owens has put up big numbers from day 1 and has continued to do so consistently throughout his career. However, he just can't seem to look beyond the "me, me, me" factor and for that reason alone, the world is getting tired of all his crying and complaining. Being the constant drama queen that he is, there is a point when you need to say enough is enough. People can only take so much of negative bullshit before they want you gone. The NFL tried to keep T.O. in check by fining him when he would publicly bash his coach and teammates (strike 1). Then they tried suspending him without pay and that didn't make him shut up (strike 2). So now Owens has been deactivated/fired/kicked off the team from the Philadelphia Eagles for the remainder of the season (strike 3, you're out). The solution is simple, when people take measures to keep you away, then they don't have to listen to you bitch because you aren't there to do any bitching. Get it? Ahh, yes I think T.O. may get it now.

I would have washed my hands of him last week too, just like Philadelphia did. I also would have no interest in signing him, just like most other NFL teams. Sympathy and compassion only goes so far in life. There is a point where you need to be responsible and be held accountable for your own actions - you reap what you sew. The next team that gambles on T.O. won't be driven by sympathy and compassion. Owens' remarkable production and physique will be the motivating force, along with the bargain-basement contract he'll have to accept. It's no one's fault but his own and perhaps his "slick" sports agent Drew Rosenhaus. If Owens thinks Rosenhaus had his best interest in all of this, well then he has been hit too many times in the head. If it wasn't for Drew Rosenhaus barking out the demands to "show me the money" like Jerry McGuire, then maybe T.O. would not find himself unemployed right now. One reporter summed it up well when he asked "What have you done for your client besides get him kicked off the Eagles?" Rosenhaus reply: "Next question."

T.O. had an attitude coming into the NFL and when the 49ers signed him as a rookie, they knew that. When the Eagles signed him, they knew it too. They were willing to overlook and deal with his circus act, but in the end they decided his talent wasn't worth the trouble. That is a shame for Philly and Owens. As you can see, Owens brought this on himself, but part of me still feels sorry for him. What a waste of talent.

The Great Pumpkin PC Mod

So you still have that old Halloween pumpkin rotting away on your front step right? Well don't just throw it away, put it to good use. Recycle it to be used as a PC. When it comes to computer modding or modding in general, the sky is the limit as I showed you the iMacAquarium and G4 CubeAquarium mods that turned 2 old Mac computers into working fish tanks! Now thanks to the computer store staff from the University of Arkansas, they have created a seasonally appropriate PC titled "The Pumpkin PC". Geeky? Yes, but it's still interesting to see.

Here are the Pumpkin PC's specs: a genuine field pumpkin, Dell Latitude D410 motherboard, 1.6 GHz Intel Pentium M processor with Intel wireless card, 60GB hard drive, 512MB of DDR2 RAM and a DVDR/RW drive. Note that the "eyes" are fans. The geniuses with the great imagination (or too much time on their hands) are Mike Duncan, Mark Morgan and Forest Denger. They are all techs in the university's campus computer store service center. They have a step-by-step guide on how they built this along with all the photos here.

You Can't Handle The Truth Because The Truth Hurts

Remember in the movie "A Few Good Men" with the famous line, "you can't handle the truth", that summed things up pretty well didn't it? Well I'm sorry to say that not only does the truth hurt, but you can't handle it, especially when you are a 5-year-old little girl. Yes, I'm sorry to say this is my daughter. In the past I've bragged and gloated about my 3 sons, but today I must come to grips with the sad, sad truth about my little girl. It seems her future isn't as bright as her brothers, but perhaps we can take her learning disability and turn it into something good...no, something great - becoming a stripper!

Now don't feel bad for little Sally, soon to be stage named "Cinnamon". So what she can't read. Reading is overrated anyways, right? (Don't answer that because obviously you are reading this.) Now little Sally/"Cinnamon" might not be reaching for the same goals your little girl is, but that doesn't mean she isn't a good person. Stripping is the most well respected field there is! That's right, while your prize pupil there is selecting what med school she will attend in the future, my little Sally/"Cinnamon" will be selecting not only a new thong and a pair of stripper heals, but also a new dance pole routine. So HAH to you. Forget "Green Eggs and Ham". It will be "Green Eggs and Daaamn". You work it girl. Daddy is proud of all his kids no matter what career they pursue in life.

If you would like to read up on her brothers, here are the links to their professions.

• Brazilian Barber
• FBI (Female Body Inspector)
• The Ladies Man

Damsel In Distress, Acceptable Form Of Repayment

As you can see, I'm participating in the HNT thing today. I'm not sure if I'll be a regular, but I thought what the hell I'll give it a shot, especially when I have this great shot below to share! Now I know some of you are either disappointed at this post or are relived that I didn't whore myself out and put up a half naked picture of myself. So depending on you feelings on that, either wipe that salty tear away or you can sit down and reframe from cheering now, I'm not exposing myself...today. The thought did cross my mind for a brief moment, but then I remember awhile back that somehow someone got a hold of one of my photos and tried passing it off as themselves in a CraigsList ad! Yeah, it was weird and even more disturbing that they cut off the head and just used the body in hopes it would lure some lonely CraigsList chick lurking on that site into an easy hookup.

I wonder if he/she got any takers, then what did he/she (whoever it really was) plan to do then? I'm thinking they would probably ignore it. Anyway, I have my guesses as to how that photo got on there - who put it there, but I'm not going to get into that. I will say that it's the reason why I have decided against putting too many photos of myself up on my blog. You just never know some of the freaks that are out there. Now to the tale that's behind this spectacular photo you see before you now!

It's no secret that a damsel in distress will always find a soft spot in a man. We simply can not let a beautiful creature suffer. It's not in our nature. The better looking the girl, well then the more effort we will put out to aid her in her time of need. It's just basic math. If you need an example to help you better understand this concept, take this for instance...a large breasted 25-year-old blonde is having computer problems. It seems her Apple laptop just doesn't do what she tells it to do. So what's a girl to do? She comes to me. It's with a heavy heart and tears dwelling in her eyes that she explains her dilemma to me. I listen with a sympathetic ear, giving her a hug (tightly enough to determine those are at least C cups) and just before she is ready to breakdown, I tell her I can help. Immediately the cloud is lifted above her head. She has been rescued!

Blonde Girl: Really, you can fix it? How?

Me: Yes, of course I can fix it for you. Wipe those pretty eyes because there will be no need to cry now.

(I remedy the laptop problem in just a few short minutes.)

Blonde Girl: Oh thank you, thank you, thank you! Tell me what I can ever do to repay you?

Me: No repayment is necessary. I was glad to help.

Blonde Girl: Oh you're too sweet. Thanks a bunch! But can I ask you one thing?

Me: Sure, anything.

Blonde Girl: My laptop overheating was the problem right? And you told me that because I am not on Windows, that I use a Mac, that you can't cool the laptop off by opening a window right? So is it true on all Macs or just mine that to prevent overheating, Mac users have to take their shirt off as oppose to Windows users who just have to open a window?

Me: Good question. It's not ALL Mac users that have to do this. However, in the case of "user error", like what happened with your laptop, then yes the user must remove their shirt in order to prevent the overheating of their laptop. Does that make sense?

Blonde Girl: Yes, yes it does. Thanks again and I'll remember your advice.

Me: You bet! Now smile and say cheese! I like to document my repair work for future references. Yeah, yeah! Look at you jumping up and down all excited. You know what? I will take a hug now as a form of repayment. ;)

David Copperfield's Magical Conception

If you are a sports fan, you have heard of the "immaculate reception" by the Pittsburgh Steelers back in 70s. If you know anything about religion, then you know the story of the virgin Mary. So what if we take that one step farther and not only conceive a baby without first having sex or doing any type of artificial insemination, but do it all live on stage? That is what magician David Copperfield plans on doing in his latest magic show and his act is appropriately titled "the magical conception". He claims he will perform the unthinkable, the unimaginable, that he will be a Jesus creator of sorts. Now if you ask me, those are some big sandals to fill.

In past magic shows, Copperfield has been known for making the Statue of Liberty disappear or having himself sawn in half by a circular saw and then reassembled, but this time the magician will attempt to create life by impregnating a woman live on stage without going anywhere near her with his "magic wand". Any volunteers from the audience to help with this next trick? No, didn't think so. Now normally if you attempt to impregnate someone while in front of an audience, it's called porn. However Copperfield is claiming there will be no hanky-panky for the magical conception, so it's safe to bring your Grandmother to see this. If you ask me, this guy is missing out on the best part - the sex. Oh well, his life and I can see why he has to procreate this way considering he has some freaky boney fingers and is just overall creepy enough to send most women running for their lives.

If he succeeds, it will be his crowning achievement - doubly impressive since he clearly didn't get Claudia Schiffer knocked up despite his legendary powers. Copperfield told German mag "Galore" that he completely rejected the received wisdom that there were just seven kinds of magic tricks, proclaiming: "Bull shit! There is a great deal of new territory to conquer. In my next show I'm going to make a girl pregnant on stage. Naturally it will be without sex. Everyone will be happy about it, but I'm not telling you any more." Ahh, spoken like a true gentleman and ladies man. Don't worry about wiping the glass, there isn't going to be enough hot and heavy breathing going on to fog anything up. Nope, some steamy passion is not in the cards for this magician.

I don't know the exact date he plans on performing "the magical conception", but I'll keep you posted if/when I hear because I'm sure this is something you don't want to miss. Here I thought I was pretty damn good by pulling flowers out of my sleeve for my little niece. Just when I was feeling all proud, this rat bastard goes and turns it up a notch. Oh well, I'll keep my day job. Besides, who wants to have sex via magic anyway? BORING! He thinks he's all creative and special with this magic trick, but I have creative tricks of my own, if you know what I mean. So maybe Cooperfield doesn't have one up on me after all.

Stop Playing With Your Balls & Play Ball

The World Series may of ended last month with the Chicago White Sox winning for the first time in over 80 years, and although I never intended to write a post about the lack luster sweep, I have been meaning to bring up a few ideas I have in terms of adding a little spice into the sports world. (Stay with me on this non-sport fans, I think you will like it.) I've come to the realization that baseball may be called the American past time, but I find it to be the slowest way to past time, period. It's a game of hurry up and wait...and wait and wait and then wait some more. There needs to be a time limit on how long you can screw around on the mound - grabbing your crotch, spitting and wiping the ball obsessively before you even throw a pitch! There also should be a time limit on how long you can screw around at the plate - hitting your cleats with the bat, adjusting your gloves, touching your hat, pulling up your sleeve...God, enough already and play the damn game you stalers! Are these nervous twitches or are you guys that insecure that you have to fuss with your outfit like a bunch of women prowling for a man on a Saturday night? Nobody is checking out the grass stains on your pants. Just play ball. It's what you get paid millions to do, so do it - play!

That is just G-A-Y! I've had my butt slapped before during a game,
but no grabbing of another's crotch! No, no, no. Gay, gay, gay. Sorry.

Baseball may be one hell of a slow sport, but it's not alone in it's lethargic pace. Why do some sports need to move so slow? I understand there is strategy going on, but there is also something called "planning your attack while attacking". In baseball it seems like there is more thinking and stalling going on then actual game play. Perhaps this is relaxing for the player, but to those watching the game, the lack of fast paced action or just action in general, turns into sheer boredom...or at least for me it does. Now I can attend a baseball game and I do enjoy myself, but that is more because I am drinking, eating and getting to enjoy a warm summer night outside with good company. You won't normally catch me watching baseball on TV, unless I am trying to fall asleep on the couch.

It's not just baseball that is guilty of dragging the game on and making the show a snoozer. Before all the diehard baseball lovers unload on me, let me be fair and say that just about every sport could use a little tweaking to put the action, fun and excitement back into the game. If you know me at all, you know I'm a huge sports fan and in fact I do appreciate just about every sport there is. I have played baseball, basketball, football and boxed. So it's not like I don't know what I'm talking about here. I've come up with some ways to help put the life back into the spectator side of sporting events. Some of the suggestions you may find "offensive", but if that's the case, then let me remind you that if the current disposition of athletes spitting and grabbing their crotch (or in some cases other's crotches) in public doesn't already offend you now, then you have no business in getting your panties in a bind over my suggestions.

Baseball - It's easy to see the biggest problem with the game of baseball moving slow and being boring is that too much time is wasted on the mound and at the plate. So there should be time limits on both. A pitcher would have 5 seconds to either agree to a pitch or shake it off before that ball is to leave his hand. If he exceeds the 5 second rule, then the batter is allowed to charge the mound and beat him senseless with his bat. A similar rule applies to the batter. If he takes longer than 5 seconds to step into the box and assume the batting ready position, then a pitcher is allowed to bean him, hard and without mercy! I think it would only take one or two times after a rule infraction before the players would catch on to the fact that they need to move the game along at a decent pace.

Football - Let's drop the pads and helmets used in American football and follow what the English do, rugby style. Sure we would play the American football game with the same rules, just minus all those wussy paddings and protective head gear. Scrap those mouth pieces and cups too. You won't be needing that because real men play football. Real men hit hard and real men don't know what pain is. So no need to "protect" from pain when the word "pain" doesn't even exist on the gridiron. Are you feeling me on this?

Basketball - Install a must trip rule. It can be a great form of defense and a deterrent to your opponent from getting to the ball first. Ever trip on hardwood? I mean run full speed and fall flat on your face to hear your skin squeal across the floor for a good 10 feet? Have you ever had your knees rocked below the bone after dropping straight down on them? If not then you wouldn't understand. Let's just say it doesn't tickle.

Hockey - Simple. One word. Cheerleaders! Put a bunch of hot cheerleaders crammed together in one of those penalty boxes and lets see how long before the cat fights begin. I can just picture the hair pulling and nail scratching now. It would be the hottest thing on ice!

Bowling - Forget bowling balls and bowling pins. Replace those with midgets and beer bottles! Yes, bowl with a midget into a nice set of perfectly placed Coronas or another beer of your choice. The scoring will remain the same. Just knock down X amount of beer bottles with your desired midget and you win!

Now I can think of other things like for soccer, golf and tennis, but I think you get the idea here. I'm not saying that all of these sports are slow or boring. I'm just saying that anything in life can always use a little extra excitement and it doesn't hurt for me to throw these ideas out in case the MLB, NFL, NBA or NHL is interested in putting the "WHOPPIE" back into the crowd wave.

The Rare Double Rainbow Moblog Photo That Wasn't

It's been awhile since I uploaded a moblog photo to my blog. So yesterday I was out picking up a pizza for the Steelers game, when the perfect opportunity for a great moblog moment had hit! As I pulled out of Pizza Hut, I spotted a rare double rainbow stretching across the sky. It was really something to see and definitely camera phone snapshot worthy. I almost always keep my cell phone with me, especially in the car, so I decided I would take a photo of it. I got into position and turned on my phone, only to briefly see the message "battery low, shutting down now " flash on my screen before it turned off on me. I wish I could say that because this was on a Sunday, that I bit my tongue and managed not to say the F-word and used the word "fudge", but that wasn't the case. I let it slip out, sorry. It seems like the only times when I really need to use my phone for an emergency call or for an emergency moblog shot (yes capturing a rare double rainbow pic classifies as an emergency moblog shot in case you didn't know), that the battery is dead - FUDGE!

I'm sure everyone has witnessed a real rainbow before and you know what they are and how they occur, but a double rainbow is something not everyone has seen (rare) or perhaps you have never heard of them. A double rainbows is a larger, paler, secondary rainbow with colors reversed (red inside) outside the primary arc. It is caused by two refractions and two reflections of the ray while it is inside a drop. When conditions are suitable, a double rainbow may be seen and that is what I saw on Sunday. Of course you would never know it because I don't have the moblog photo to prove it. Damn...I mean darn. No wait, today is now Monday so it's more acceptable to cuss than it was yesterday. So damn it!

The double rainbow came at the end of what could of been a real disaster's weekend. Early Sunday morning around 2AM, a tornado hit parts of Indiana. By noon on Sunday, the storm had taken a turn and began moving it's way stretching from Pittsburgh to New York. It turned from a "tornado warning" (possible a tornado could occur), to a "tornado watch" (means a funnel was spotted). Despite the beautiful and unusually warm day we had on Saturday with temps reaching 80 degrees, Sunday brought a different story. It was still warm out, but in came the clouds, 70+ mph winds and of course rain and hail! If you aren't familiar with tornados, basically it's when a warm front collides with a cold front and usually occurs in the spring time as opposed to this time of the year. 22 people were killed in Sunday's tornado and more than 200 injured, but that was only in Indiana. Where I live, we had a small scare, but nothing bad happened except some minor wind damage and power outages. So it huffed and it puffed, but it didn't blow my house down. I've come alot closer to being hit by a tornado before. When I was a kid it came about a block away from taking everything we owned and spreading it miles. So I guess if I'm keeping score, I'll chalk this one up as...Me 2 - Tornado 0. Thankfully my power didn't go out with the Steelers playing or that would or been a serious disaster indeed!

If I think about, all the time I spent Saturday afternoon in my yard mowing the lawn and cleaning up fallen leaves was rather pointless considering just about every leaf is now off the trees and scattered all over my property from the storm. Washing and waxing my motorcycle, only to leave it outside like a dumbass to get pounded with hail, wasn't a smart move either. Want to see me run really fast, like lightning fast? Then take my pride and joy Ducati 999r possession and leave her out in the harsh elements to be abused and not even Auntie Em could of stopped me from running out into the storm and rescuing her to safety. Don't worry, she's ok. So you can all breathe a sigh of relief with me. I may of not been able to capture the double rainbow image, but I did manage to capture what it means to have Ducati love. Not man, nor beast could keep me from her sexiness!

Ultimate Fighting, I Ultimately Love It!

Anyone out there ever hear of something called reality TV? I am sure you have, but have you seen a show called "The Ultimate Fighter"? The idea of the show is similar to NBC's boxing reality show "The Contender". In "The Ultimate Fighter" they take a group of fighters, toss them into 1 plush house and from there they train and compete against one another for a UFC contract worth 6 figures. Season 2 just ended this weekend with the grand finale show being held live from Las Vegas. I TIVOed the event and I have to say they were some of the best fights I have ever seen! I got pumped watching it and wanted to jump into the cage too and go a few rounds.

Now I probably wouldn't be able to last in there long because even though I do have a pretty long boxing history and did well in it, I don't have a day of training in mixed martial arts of any kind, nor do I poses wrestling skill...unless you are counting wresting around on a bed? So I would probably get my ass handed to me. However, everyone has to start somewhere. So maybe I should check into this. I know you think I'm crazy and maybe I really am a bit crazy to find an interest in beating another guy's face in, while at the same time perhaps getting my own beat in. Sounds like fun, doesn't it?

I know for one my Mom would hate this idea with a passion! She couldn't even watch me box. She would come to the fights to cheer me on, so I give her credit there. However, she would spend the time covering her eyes, barely viewing any of the action thru her fingers. I know she would cringe at every punch I threw and God forbid I got hit, she would be a worrying mess. I learned to block her out. I had to because there is no way I could concentrate on what I needed to do if I was thinking about her being a nervous wreck looking on. She just couldn't see how I found boxing to be fun and how it was a sport. I tried explaining and even showing her that there is so much more to fighting than meets the eye. It's almost like art, a dance if you want to call it that. It's a battle of not only your physical skill, but also your mind and heart. You have to be smart in there and be mentally tough. You have to put in the long hours of hard work at the gym preparing and above all, you have to have heart. If you feel like a loser or you have a "quitting/I can't do it" attitude, then I guarantee you will not make it out of round 1.

Boxing and playing sports like basketball have taught me many things about life in general. If someone has never played a sport, then they don't understand how much you can learn about yourself and about your teammates. You not only learn to push yourself beyond your limits and raise your game a level, but you are also there to encourage those around you to give it their all and then some for the sake of one common goal - winning. There is nothing like winning. It's a natural high. I think that is why I am an adrenaline junkie and I love racing motorcycles so much. The speed factor is a natural high that just can't be matched in my eyes. Boxing gave me that rush when I stepped into the ring and I can't help but wonder if mixed martial arts fighting would deliver the same feeling. Actually, I know it would. In a way I am envious of these guys. They are not like some fake professional wrestling clowns putting on an act, the UFC is the real deal.

I know it's hard for the average watcher to appreciate all that goes into sports like boxing or mixed martial arts fighting. Many people will see a UFC fight and think it's just some barbaric fists flying causing blood to erupt and 2 grown men wresting around like a couple of school boys scrapping on a playground. However, it's nothing like that. There is so much more to it. It's extremely technical. It involves tons of strategy and the ability to not only predict your opponents next move, but the ability to come up with counters, reversals and escape moves of your own to take the upper hand. Once you start to understand all that lies underneath the surface, the more you can began to appreciate the level of athleticism that is involved in mixed martial arts fighting. If you want to learn more about this unique sport, visit www.ufc.tv

SEMA 2005, Better Than That New Car Smell

Another SEMA show has come to an end this weekend, sadly. I for one would of loved to of gone! In fact besides CES (Consumer Electronic Show), SEMA (Specialty Equipment Market Association) is something I have always wanted to attend. I'm a tech and car junkie in case you didn't notice. Anything fast and sporty I can't help but fall in love with. So put me in a huge convention center filled with rare and exotic rides and you will see a smile on my face like not too many other things in life can match! For those that don't know, The SEMA Show is the premier automotive specialty products trade event in the world. It draws the industry's brightest minds and hottest products to one place, the Las Vegas Convention Center. It attracts more than 100,000 industry leaders from over 100 countries for unlimited profit opportunities in the automotive market. So basically it's a better high than sniffing that new car smell!

Last year's show drew over 50,000 domestic and international buyers through 2 million square feet of exhibits. The displays are segmented into 11 sections. The New Products Showcase features more than 1,100 newly introduced parts, tools and components. In addition, the SEMA show provides attendees with educational seminars, product demonstrations, special events, networking opportunities and more. It's not just exotic sports cars that are on display, at SEMA you will also see next years models introduced, a sneak peak at prototype cars and of course tons of heavily modded custom rides. Eye candy is everywhere and seeing is believing! For more information and photos from SEMA, visit their site at www.semashow.com

If This Doesn't Make You "Pee Shy", Then "Gay Jay" Will

Guys you know what being "pee shy" is, right? Of course you do, so I don't need to explain it to you. Now for my female readers, you may or may not be familiar with the term "pee shy". If you don't know what it is, ask a guy you know. Better yet, how about I just tell you briefly? Basically it's when a guy is trying to take a leak and for whatever reason he has to go, but it doesn't come out. It's called being "pee shy". This can occur when a restroom is crowded like at a football game and you know others are waiting in line and it's putting pressure on you to hurry up. It can also occur when someone is standing too close to you at the urinal and it's just making your nervous or uncomfortable and you can't pee. It's very annoying I must tell you. So you can image how "pee shy" a guy could get if there were a group of hot women all gazing at his "member" and making facial expressions and gestures as to the size of your "manhood". It would feel something like this...

Now that is a real public bathroom! This trendy men's washroom decor location is unknown to me, but if any reader can identify the exact location of this "art", I would like to know because someone needs to get credit! I think it's pretty funny and I don't know if it would make me pee shy since it is just art and not real people, but who knows. Now for a little more potty humor...

I was barely sitting down when I heard a voice from the other stall saying: "Hi, how are you?"

I'm not the type to start a conversation in the men's restroom, but I don't know what got into me, so I answered somewhat embarrassed: "Doin' just fine."

The other guy says: "So what are you up to?"

What kind of question is that? At that point I'm thinking this is too bizarre so I say: "Uhhh, I'm like you, just traveling."

At this point I am just trying to get out as fast as I can when I hear another question: "Can I come over?"

Ok, this question is just too weird for me, but I figured I could just be polite and end the conversation. I tell him: "No...I'm a little busy right now!"

Then I hear the guy say nervously: "Listen, I'll have to call you back. There's an idiot in the other stall who keeps answering all my questions!"

So I can't take credit for that story as it is an e-mail joke that gets passed around. Whether or not that tale holds any truth or is simply fabricated, I don't know. However, I do have a humorous and true tale of my own that took place awhile back. It didn't happen in the bathroom stalls, but rather at the urinal. So if you would like a Friday chuckle at my expense, then read on.

A few months back a new guy at work sees me in the bathroom taking a piss and instead of using "the urinal unspoken rules" of skipping a urinal between people, he has to piss right next to me. Ok, fine I think but I'm a little annoyed for his lack of understanding that when there are only 2 guys at the urinal than you give a guy some breathing/peeing room. To make matters worse, he looks over at me, smiles and then his eyes dart down and back up at me! At this point I am getting a little freaked out and if I hadn't already begun peeing before he came into the bathroom, then I'm sure "pee shy" would of kicked in big time. So this guys starts introducing himself - ugh! I think to myself, my God are you gay? I mean if you are, that's ok and I'm not and I'm not a homophob, but could you please move down and NOT check out my dick for God sake. What is wrong with him? Have some tact man. He obviously never got a copy of the pee rules because he's already out of line here. Look straight ahead and talk if you must talk to me while we BOTH pee jackass. Then if that isn't the worst part, after holding his own dick to pee, he puts out his hand to shake mine as a greeting saying "hi my name is Jay"! I tell him, "um...how about we shake hands after we both wash and leave here - sound good?" I think he was clueless.

***UDATE***
Thanks to "Deez", she has pinpointed the location of the once unknown urinal art decor. This mens restroom is at the brand new and luxurious $45 million five-star "Hotel Sofitel" in Queenstown, New Zealand. I'll make a note to visit this one day in the future.