Keys To My Heart

Forget Magic 8 Balls, crystal balls, Ouija boards, tarot card readings, pixie dust or even waiving a magic wand. Not even the great psychic Miss Cleo herself can see into me as clearly as BlogThings.com can. Yes, I know, it's a frivolous website that is most likely geared to pre-teen girls with too much time on their hands. However, put that stereotype aside and check it out - seriously. You may recall that I posted about this website a few months ago. Well since then I have forgot the site even existed, until I came across it once again, randomly. So I had 2 minutes of time to waste and decided to try my hand at the one test called "Keys To My Heart". I wanted to see how accurate this thing was because in the past I've been really surprised how well it matches me.

The Keys to Your Heart

You are attracted to good manners and elegance. In love, you feel the most alive when your lover is creative and never lets you feel bored. You'd like to your lover to think you are stylish and alluring. You would be forced to break up with someone who was emotional, moody, and difficult to please. Your ideal relationship is lasting. You want a relationship that looks to the future... one you can grow with. Your risk of cheating is zero. You care about society and morality. You would never break a commitment. You think of marriage as something precious. You'll treasure marriage and treat it as sacred. In this moment, you think of love as something you thirst for. You'll do anything for love, but you won't fall for it easily.

What Are The Keys To Your Heart?

Wow! I have to say that this has me down to an exact T! I don't think I could of put it in a more straight forward manner, simple, clear and gets right to the heart of it. It's a little freaky that this website can sum a person up after just answering a few questions, but somehow BlogThings.com manages to do it and does it very well...or at least in my experience it has been accurate. It's important that you answer all the questions honestly. I believe this one contained less than 10 questions all relating to animals for some reason. So go try it out and see how well it matches you.

I've always had a pretty clear idea of what I look for in a woman and based on prior relationships, I have an ever better understanding of the things I really cherish in a woman and even the things I don't want in a woman. I've come to realize what the keys to my heart are, but I never thought a website would be able to see what lies in me. I'm impressed.

It's True Because Miss Cleo Says So
Miss Cleo, the self-proclaimed Jamaican psychic, is back at it again. From late-night TV infomercials in the '90s to blogosphere predictions in 2006, not even Dionna Warwick's flared nose and The Psychic Friends Network can stop her. Like a good swami, she pulls a magical card from her hat. On it holds my future, my horoscope for today. Hey mon, read this...

Your Scorpio Horoscope for January 31, 2006
Use your charisma and finesse to get what you want in your personal life. But when it comes to an important business arrangement, you may have to bend more than you think. A passionate encounter is apparent.

Perfect! Who doesn't want to close out the first month of the New Year getting laid...and a passionate session at that! Miss Cleo, you're alright girl. That news was well worth the $2.95 per minute charge. Only a crazy person wouldn't believe your tarot card reading. I mean we all know it's just as reliable as the palm reading or looking into your crystal ball of power. It's just common knowledge that Miss Cleo posses a rare gift and she should be viewed as a higher life form than the rest of us. I don't know what the FTC was talking about, they should release you from prison at once! I say free Miss Cleo!

Mother F-ing Son Of A Beeeeep
Damn it! How did I miss a Cussing Convention and Swearing Festival? I'm not f*cking kidding, there really was such an event held in San Francisco the other week. It was held in a pub, no surprise there. Of course a truck stop or catholic girl's school would of been a fitting atmosphere as well, considering everyone loves a lady with a trucker-mouth and nobody can out-cuss Sister Mary. I bet you didn't know that swearing takes up 13% of adult conversation, not to mention that 72% of men and 58% of women swear in public. Can you believe that sh*t? I wonder how many people swear online? Not f-ing me, that's for f-ing sure.

I'm sure the "F bombs" were going off right and left. I also bet that the most hated cuss word of all-time, the "C word", made an appearance at the event. Want to see a woman commit murder? Don't call her a b*tch, call her that "C word" and I can nearly guarantee you that she will slice your throat faster than OJ. Hey, I'm a guy and I even hate hearing that word. I wonder if they kiss their Mother with that mouth. Anyway, you want to know what the Cussing Convention and Swearing Festival event schedule was for the day right? Well, here was the lineup...

• Panel forum of swearing experts (whatever the hell that is) debate the current state of foul language in the culture and the media.
• The Mass Swearing Experiment - A multi-media exposure of us and our mouths.
• A Most Horrible, Vile Oaths Contest
• Classic Cussing Performances from Movies, Literature and Music
• The Shit Parade
• Filthy, Foreign Tongues - Foreign guests educate America on how to cuss like a drunken sailor outside the US.
• Shite Discotheque Party
• Special guests, raffle prizes and a book sale.

Basically it's a swearing ponderosa full of lots of pointless crap...I mean sh*t. Maybe next year those bastards will remember to mail me an invite.

Man's Colon Cancer Death Blamed On Ass Xeroxing
In an journal issue of the American Medical Association, a University of Chicago study has established a conclusive link between colon cancer and Xeroxing one's ass. Hot on the heels of the study follows the $30 million civil suit award by a Florida jury to the family of Floridian Barry Lesky, office prankster and renowned buttocks photocopier who died of colon cancer in late 1996.

In response to the findings and legal rulings surrounding their products, major manufacturers of photocopy machines are scheduled to testify before Congress to ascertain whether or not they knew their office equipment to possess such butt-zapping power. A spokesman for the Xerox corporation had this to say..."It is our position that buttocks photo replication poses no statistical risk of harm to the participant". They went on to ask people to save the potential embarrassment of having their pasty flat hams posted on the office bulletin board for all to jeer at.

Thus far, public response has been strongly in favor of photocopy regulation. The Surgeon General has mandated the application of cautionary labels on all photocopy machines that explicitly warn against the risky behavior. Many feel if consenting adults want to throw away their health and their money on a dangerous practice like ass copying, that's their business...but for God's sake let's educate our children about photocopy safety and protect them from these merchants of death!

Introducing The Ass Copier 5000
For longer than anyone can remember in the workplace, ass-copying technology has always been too far "behind" the times, taking up the rear in function-specific business innovations. However, there is a new business product available which is expected to give the rump-replicating market a good kick in the pants. I introduce to you the revolutionary Ass Copier 500, or better known as ASS 5000. It's a spanking-new business tool that has been introduced to plug a gaping hole in office administration. Before the creation of a back-end solution, copying products were unable to meet the demand of partying office workers or disgruntled mail-room staff. Attempts to scan company cornholes usually led to serious damage to existing equipment, which was never intended for posterior reproductions. Now that is all about to change thanks to the ASS 5000!

One of the advantages of the new ASS 5000 is that it will significantly reduce damage to existing standard copiers, making ass copying on your old Xerox a thing of the past. After only a few fannies, the ASS 5000 will have paid for itself! The flat screens of normal copiers were never intended to support the heavy weight of human hindsides. The tempered plate glass panel of the new ass copiers will support the bottoms of most of the office staff. Realizing that support is important in situations where alcohol may be consumed, the ASS 5000 goes the extra mile by sporting arms, a backrest and an optional drink-holder. A fold-out step-ladder is conveniently set inside the front panel for height-challenged members of the office. A contoured keister seat is also available as an upgrade, but critics claim the moulded glass distorts the photocopies, making the model look over-weight.

The ASS 5000 isn't all about appearances, though. With the latest electronics inside, it will reduce running costs with programmed multi-functionality. It boosts all-in-one capabilities from the same seat including copying, scanning, faxing and printing. So while photocopying 50 copies of your derriere for distribution in the lunch room, a high-resolution scan can be sent to the main server for e-mailing to outside clients or faxed directly to a programmed list of recipients. Now THAT is how to conduct business!

Most business photocopy machines are still black and white. While the base model ASS 5000 uses standard toner and the ASS 5001 is a full-color machine with a special skin-tone palette for more accurate reproductions, without constant recalibration. The manufacturer claims accuracy for everyone from the pasty tones of Richie Cunningham to dark shades of a Wesley Snipes and everyone in between. At a stellar 20 cheeks-per-minute the machine is fast enough for "run and grab" moments when you know the boss is just around the corner. A special teflon-like coating on the glass means smears, smudges and streaks are easy to remove. The bottom line is that the ASS 5000 and ASS 5001 are the business solutions to meet your ass-copying requirements. The manufacturer has plans to expand their product line in the next 2 years with a PC scrotum scanner, a virtual pelvic mapper and a digital ass camera - all products the entire world is eagerly anticipating.

A Real Life "Giving Tree"

If you've followed my blog for at least a week, then you recall my little personal mission as of late. It started when I proposed this question 1 Second Added To Your Life, What Will You Do With It? The very next day I took a page out of the movie "Pay It Forward" and decided that my Random Act Of Kindness Will Continue. So that brings us to this week in the 3rd installment of getting to know "Old Man Baker". If you have no clue what I am talking about at this point, then you will have to go catch up and read those 2 posts because I can't rehash the story to catch everyone up to speed weekly. It's like a blog soap opera. You can probably pick the story up in mid episode, but to thoroughly enjoy the saga, you should start from the beginning and keep following every Friday. Was that a shameless self plug for my blog right there? I think it was. Oh well, onto my tale.

If you were like me growing up, then you loved the story "The Giving Tree" by Shel Silverstein (read the ebook here). It's a children's book, but it's a story that can be appreciated by even those who are not young at heart. Maybe I shouldn't say I loved the book because at times it made me very sad. However, I think that is good. Good because it means that it was speaking to me and teaching me those all important life lessons. Words that even the most articulate and poetic of those surrounding me were not able to convey to me. Forgive me for quoting Hillary Clinton (because I can't stand her), "it takes a village to raise a child". Well I tend to feel that it may of taken just this book to raise me. If you have never read this book, I highly suggest you do, no matter if you are 5 or 85.

"Once there was a tree and she loved a little boy"...so begins a story of unforgettable perception that is beautifully written with just a few words and illustrated by the simplest of lines. Everyday the boy would come to the tree to eat her apples, swing from her branches or slide down her trunk...and the tree was happy. But as the boy grew older he began to want more from the tree and the tree gave and gave and gave, until there was nothing more to give...or was there? It's a story that is touched with sadness, aglow with consolation. The author has created a moving parable for readers of all ages that offers an affecting interpretation of the gift of giving and a serene acceptance of another's capacity to love in return.

To say that this particular apple tree is a "giving tree" is an understatement. The tree starts out as a leafy playground, shade provider and apple bearer for a rambunctious little boy. Making the boy happy makes the tree happy, but with time it becomes more challenging for the generous tree to meet his needs. When he asks for money, she suggests that he sell her apples. When he asks for a house, she offers her branches for lumber. When the boy is old, too old and sad to play in the tree, he asks the tree for a boat. She suggests that he cut her down to a stump so he can craft a boat out of her trunk. He unthinkingly does it. At this point in the story, the double-page spread shows a pathetic solitary stump, poignantly cut down to the heart the boy once carved into the tree as a child that said "M.E. + T." "And then the tree was happy... but not really." When there's nothing left of her, the boy returns again as an old man, needing a quiet place to sit and rest. The stump offers up her services and he sits on it. "And the tree was happy." While the message of this book is unclear (Take and take and take? Give and give and give? Complete self-sacrifice is good? Complete self-sacrifice is infinitely sad?), the author has perhaps deliberately left the book open to interpretation. That to me is what makes this story and the lessons it teaches so amazing.

So what does this book have to do with "Old Man Baker"? Well yesterday morning, I once again passed the old man. Just like the prior Thursday, he was once again hunched over sweeping the sidewalk outside his store. His head was also once again down, with wind burned hands tightly gripping the broom. Like last week, I once again said hello, but this time he didn't seem to hear me. Perhaps he wasn't ready to speak. Whatever the case may be, I decided that today would not be a day I would strike up a conversation with the old man. Today would be a day I would observe. As I stood on the street corner with all the "suits and ties" who more than likely were on their way into the law office just 2 blocks away, I observed the group of attorneys and "Old Man Baker". Some of the lawyers were sipping their morning latté while others were fumbling with their newspapers and checking messages on their cell phones. Then out of the corner of my eye, there was the old man. I noticed his right hand trembling as he switched his grip on the broom handle. It was made of wood that was cracked down the middle and splintering at the edges. His hands appeared red and cold. The trembling in his fingers became obvious even from a 10 foot distance.

Just before traffic came to a hault giving me a chance to cross over the street, I watched a boy approach the old man. The boy looked to be about 10-years-old. He tapped the old man on the shoulder and a short discussion took place. I couldn't hear what was said, but I watched as the old man reached in his coat pocket, the same coat that was lightly covered in flour dust from the bakery. After a few seconds he pulled his trembling hand back out of his pocket and looked at it. The contents in his hand were empty. He then proceeded to lift his jacket some and reach into his front pants pocket. He fumbled around for a few seconds more and pulled out what appeared to be a $1 dollar bill and some loose coins. Change is all he gave the boy and quickly the boy shouted thanks and took off running down the street with his backpack swinging behind him.

Just like The Giving Tree book, I'm going to leave this story open to interpretation. There are a number of ways I can go with this and show you the lessons I was shown in real life, rather than reading them in a book. However, I think it may be more beneficial if I let you ponder this for yourself. Think about "Old Man Baker". Think about this little unknown boy that approached him. Think of the act I witnessed. Think of me as I have grown up from being a little boy, into a teenager, into an adult and one day will be an old man myself. Think of the age difference between me and "Old Man Baker" and think of how I've been intrigued enough with this old man to approach him each week, hoping to know the man hiding underneath that tattered coat with the trembling fingers. Is he a real life "Giving Tree"? Am I a "Giving Tree" from a different era? Are we all "Giving Trees" of give and take from all different generations?

With such simple words and drawings "The Giving Tree" conveys such a strong message of love. You can never be too old for this book. At different points in your life it can mean different things to you from when you're struggling with difficult issues in your life, to when things are going well. We've all been the tree and the boy at one time in our lives. I ask myself, what time is it now? I've spent that 1 second and in a blink of an eye, it has opened up a whole new world. A world that before now I only ever read about in a book. Now I may be really seeing it for the first time. Now I may be living it. The Giving Tree is once again growing.

Cleanliness Is Next To Godliness

I should give everyone fair warning that you may not want to read this post and view the photo if you are already a germaphob, have a weak stomach or you are currently living in an air-tight plastic bubble to shield yourself from this dirty, dirty world we live in. If you fall into any of these categories, I suggest you stop reading now before your body goes into shock. I'm about to dish up the dirt, letting you know how filthy that office you work in really is. Trust me, it won't be pretty, but it will be educational. So grab a gallon of bleach and a scrub brush. You may want to rub your own skin off after learning about the creepy crawlies many of us are unaware of living right under our very fingertips (insert shuttering here).

A study was conducted to measure normal bacterial levels inside offices across America. They found that paper isn't all that's piling up on desks. In fact, the average desk harbors 400 times more bacteria than the average toilet seat! For bacteria, a desk is really the laptop of luxury - feasting all day from breakfast to lunch and even thru dinner. Unless desks are wiped clean with a disinfectant during the day, bacteria levels climb higher and higher, peaking after lunch. The study, funded by a grant from The Clorox Company, found that surfaces in personal work areas such as offices and cubes, had higher bacteria levels than surfaces in common areas. Telephones came in as the #1 home for office germs, followed by desks, water fountain handles, microwave door handles and computer keyboards. Surprisingly, toilet seats consistently had the lowest bacteria levels of the 12 surfaces tested in the study.

We don’t think twice about eating at our desks, even though the average desk has 100 times more bacteria than a kitchen table and 400 times more bacteria than the average toilet. Without cleaning, a small area on your desk or phone can sustain millions of bacteria that could potentially cause illness. With more people spending more time at their desks, with the average workweek increasing to 47 hours, bacteria are finding plenty to snack on. If that wasn't bad enough, they discovered that your keyboard is dirtier than your toilet! You should absolutely wash your hands after using a computer keyboard. There is a whopping 265 times more bacteria on a keyboard than on a toilet seat! Basically, you are probably better off eating your lunch off your office toilet seat than at your office desk.

Workers can control the spread of illness-causing bacteria by helping to stop the spread of germs. You should clean your personal workspace regularly. By using disinfecting wipes bacteria levels decrease drastically (99.9%). Among people who did not use wipes, bacteria levels increased an average of 19-31% on their telephone, computer mouse, keyboard and desktop surfaces throughout a typical workday. So your Mother was right all these years when she told you "wash your hands, you don't know what germs you can get". Well now we know what germs we can get, where we can get them and that there's alot of them just waiting to land on our keyboards! Now if you'll excuse me, I'm a bit of a clean freak myself so I feel the overwhelming urge to go and disinfect this keyboard.

Study Claims Laughter Paves The Way For Romance

It's rather ironic that after yesterday's post, I came across a news article relating to the very question I proposed...is a person without a sense of humor doomed to living their entire life single and dying alone? So I began to wonder about this. As my Mom would say "don't wonder too long or you might get lost". As you can see, it's a safe assumption to make that I didn't get my sense of humor from my Mom's side of the family. (To be fair, she has her moments, although few and far between.) Studies suggest humor signals big brain and good partner-potential. So am I to assume that a person who lacks a funny bone also lacks brains and is a bad lover? This study seems a little harsh, but at the same time it seems a little funny. Hmm, maybe because I have a sense of humor or perhaps I'm just giggling at an inappropriate time and at the misfortune of others. Either way, stupid studies like this always entertain me.

If love is blind, then maybe humor is the attention-grabber. That's the conclusion of 2 recent studies that confirm a long-standing stereotype of flirting claiming that women like joky men, while men like women who laugh at their jokes. (Personally, I like women who don't just laugh at me or with me, but also make me laugh as well.) The idea that funny people are attractive may seem obvious, but there have been very few scientific studies to examine whether or not this is true. Two college professors conducted a study by asking more than 200 male and female college students to examine photos of members of the opposite sex. Some had funny quotes pinned beneath them, such as: "My high school was so rough we had our own coroner." Others had bland ones: "I'd rather walk to school than take the bus."

The researchers found that the women ranked the humorous men as better potential partners along with being more friendly, fun and popular. However, men's views of women appeared to be uninfluenced by her wit. So should we assume that a humorous brunette would not win a man's heart in comparison to a dumb blonde? Of course a dingy girl does give you something to laugh at - her stupidity. (Let me just state for the record, not all brunettes are funny and not all blondes are dumb.) Although I tend to feel that after a guy is out of his college years, he no longer just goes for a pretty face. At least in my opinion, after your early 20s, you want a girl that has a little more substance to her besides looks. She needs to have something upstairs in her head to hold my interest and allow the attraction to go beyond skin deep. It's suspected that men and women do both value a sense of humor in a mate, but that they might be looking for slightly different things. Women value an ability to be funny and men value an ability to see the joke. See, even more reason why a dingy girl will not hold a man's interest after so long. Because she's an airhead, she's funny to be around, but because she's an airhead, she doesn't get most of the jokes - even when they are at her expense.

Further research concludes that women generally preferred men who were funny, while men favored a woman who thought he was funny. Women prefer funny men because their wit reveals an active and healthy brain...and a fine set of underlying genes. It's said to be a very powerful and reliable way to show creativity and intelligence. If this theory holds true, a woman choosing a funny man as a partner is more likely to have genetically healthy children who will survive and reproduce themselves. This so-called sexual selection could, in some circumstances, favor women who like humorous men and men who like women with an appreciation for humor. What does this means for those seeking love? Well because we are asking scientists rather than relationship therapists, the scientists were reluctant to say. Although they gave this advice for the ladies: "If you're not interested in a guy then don't laugh at his jokes."

I'm Too Lazy To Blog, So Here's A Deep Thought
Have you ever noticed that when you talk to anyone, they always say "I'm looking for someone with a sense of humor" or "I married so and so because of his/her great sense of humor". It's apparent to me that one quality everyone is looking for in a partner, or even just in a friend, is a sense of humor. With that in mind, what happens to all those people that DON'T have a sense of humor? Do they go thru life single and die alone?

That's your deep thought for the day. Ponder it and give me feedback if you aren't feeling lazy. ;)

101 Things You Didn't Know About Me

Every now and then a little trend gets around in the blogosphere and everyone is doing similar posts. For the most part, I don't usually participate in it because it gets old after awhile seeing so many similar posts. However, this one I wanted to do. It's the "100 Things You Didn't Know About Me" list. Of course if you know me, you know I like to do everything just a little different so I'm going to post "101 Things You Didn't Know About Me". 101 is always better than 100 right? Plus if you were in a bookstore and saw 100 things next to 101 things, which would you pick up to read? Exactly! So 101 it is and perhaps if you aren't tired of reading everyone else's 100 lists, you will check out mine...after all 101 is just better reading material. Everything you read here is true, whether it be funny, sad, shocking, whatever - it's all me.

1. I was voted Class Flirt in high school. I think if I go to my high school reunion, the title would still fit.

2. I look down the shirt of my shampoo girl when I get a haircut.

3. I've never dated a redhead, but I would date Debra Messing.

4. I once bought an engagement ring, but never proposed.

5. Only twice have I ever been truly in love.

6. I've spent an entire Sunday laying around watching football in just a towel because I was too lazy to get dressed after a shower. (Hey, at least I showered.)

7. I was considered to be "killed on impact" after I had a bad motorcycle accident. Then a paramedic revived me. I owe my life to her.

8. I never knew how badly I wanted to be a Dad until my niece was born.

9. Every time my dog pants, I can't resist touching her tongue and trying to flip the end of it up. She's very tolerant.

10. I was somewhat of a stereotypical jock growing up.

11. I enjoyed having a female boss. I thought it was sort of sexy to be told what to do by her.

12. One of my all-time favorite shows is "Sex And The City"...and no I'm not gay.

13. I would always choose love over money if I had to pick.

14. My family is more important to me than I think they know.

15. Once after a doctor's visit, I asked for a lollipop. I was 25.

16. I love Frank Sinatra music!

17. Reverse engineering comes easy to me.

18. I spell like a 2 year old, but the world doesn't know thanks to "spell check".

19. I can't resist a woman that smells good.

20. I always thought the term "love sick" was cliché, until I felt nauseas over a relationship.

21. A broken heart really does make your chest hurt.

22. Love really is blind sometimes and can't be explained.

23. I'll never say "I love you" unless I really mean it.

24. I battled depression as a kid. I denied it and let it go untreated because I was afraid people would think I was being silly to feel so down.

25. There were times when I should have swallowed my pride and spoke up because inside I was begging for help.

26. I went to college on a basketball scholarship because my grades wouldn't have carried my ass there.

27. I've never cheated on a girlfriend or been cheated on...at least not that I know of.

28. I like to wrap one arm around a pillow when I sleep. It's not only comfortable, but also comforting.

29. At times I can be quick to judge people, but even faster to accept them.

30. I'm a kid at heart.

31. I'm not really afraid or embarrassed to be naked.

32. I wear boxers and not briefs.

33. I actually like to cuddle (guys don't laugh).

34. I tuck my dog into her bed every night with a kiss on her head and say "nite buddy".

35. The best sex really does come when you are in love.

36. I've had an quickie in my office at work and I'm a member of the Mile-High Club.

37. I've had a threesome in college before (MFF). It was good, but not great as I let my friends believe.

38. Like many when I lost my virginity, it was confusing, fast and not memorable.

39. I don't attend mass regularly anymore, so when I do pray, I wonder if God will still listen.

40. I'm a firm believer in "God helps those that helps themselves".

41. I'm angry at those who blame their childhood for every problem they have thru adult life.

42. I've never heard my father say "I love you" to anyone and neither has my Mom, even to her. I'm ok if I never hear those words from him because I know he cares and that's what really counts.

43. My car is always kept so clean that you could perform surgery on top of the hood!

44. My sister got on my nerves when she lived close, now that she has moved away, I miss her.

45. I stopped a guy that tried to rape my girlfriend. I beat him so badly that he dropped out of our college due to fear. I don't feel sorry.

46. I am shocked at how much money I've spent/wasted on tech gadgets.

47. I once stole a pack of Bubble Yum gum from K-Mart as a kid. My Mom marched me back into the store to return it and admit my wrong doing.

48. The first time I have sex with a new partner, I'm nervous about pleasing them. After, I wonder why I worried. ;)

49. I boxed for years and never broke my nose!

50. I'm one of the few white boys that can actually dance.

51. I'm not an easily offended person. You have to really push it to set me off.

52. I made the Honor Roll in high school, but thought it was uncool and hid it.

53. I was on the Dean's List twice in college and felt proud of it.

54. I just missed graduating with honors, but wasn't upset about it.

55. I hold 2 Bachelor degrees and I am going to turn the one into a Masters.

56. Sometimes I feel dumb talking to other people.

57. I use to skateboard as a kid and now I love to snowboard.

58. My parents were afraid I would turn out weird, like a punk.

59. I've lived in this state my whole life, but I want to move away to NY because I love it there.

60. I like being challenged, but I'm learning to be careful what you wish for.

61. I'm hoping this government job renews my contract, but I'm doubtful.

62. I tried weed as a teenager and never thought it was that wonderful.

63. I was on an emotional roller coaster with a girl for too long. I'm glad the ride is now over.

64. I secretly love it when a woman takes care of me when I'm sick or tells me to be careful.

65. I hired my last intern based 40% on her skill and 60% on her looks. Shh.

66. I can't cook, but really tried to make dinner for a date to impress her.

67. I believe in chivalry.

68. I love romance. I feel it's the best part of a relationship.

69. I can speak a little French and Italian, emphasis on "little".

70. My parents still don't know that the reason I almost flunked a year of Jr High was because I was depressed, didn't want to and couldn't concentrate, not because I was dumb or lazy.

71. I've acted like a clown my whole life to disguise when I'm in pain.

72. I've had a co-worker have an emotional breakdown in front of me.

73. I have a sentimental keepsake box from past loves and childhood memories.

74. I wiped up the blood after my best friend/roommate committed suicide.

75. I love an adrenaline rush!

76. Although I would trade an adrenaline rush in for that "rush feeling" of falling in love.

77. I have a good amount of friends and a pretty close family, but I still feel
lonely at times.

78. I have a hard time understanding how one woman could make my heart beat one day and break it the next.

79. I don't trust people as much as I once did.

80. I've had a close friend die from cancer.

81. I shaved my head to make her feel pretty after chemo, to make her laugh and not feel alone.

82. I smiled when she smiled, then after I left the hospital, I cried because I knew her fate.

83. I never let on how much it hurt me when a girl I liked didn't want to meet my family.

84. When I boxed, before every fight I subconsciously made the sign of the cross (Catholic) on my chest.

85. I wonder if that was why I was never hurt badly in a match.

86. I've "drunk dialed" and been on the receiving end of a "drunk dialer".

87. I melt when a woman kisses my neck!

88. I've gone to Vegas without knowing how to play Poker.

89. I told a girl in Vegas I didn't want to sleep with her because I was gay - lied. The truth was that I was in love with someone.

90. My 10th grade composition teacher told me I had a real talent for writing. Before that, nobody told me I had a talent for anything and I didn't really believe her. I felt embarrassed when she read one of my papers out loud to the class. After numerous writing compliments from her, I still didn't believe her. Then in my senior year, she hit on me and to this day I don't know if she liked my writing...or just me.

91. The biggest turn on in bed for me is pleasing her - when she's into it and enjoying herself.

92. I don't understand why most men want to roll over and go to sleep after sex. I want to go a few more rounds.

93. My one buddy is a womanizer. I wish I could just be able to turn my feelings off like he can, but then at the same time I feel sorry for him because he's never experienced what it feels like to be in love.

94. Even after nearly losing my life on a motorcycle, I still do illegal street racing.

95. When I was 10, I picked on a kid in school. I want to find him now and apologize.

96. I wet my pants in the 4th grade! The teacher told me I already used the bathroom once that day and couldn't go again. I sat in those jeans all afternoon, was laughed at and humiliated. My Mom tried to get her fired for that, but the school didn't seem to care.

97. I found out a girl I use to date had turned into a stripper when I ran into her in a strip club. Out of respect for her, I didn't watch her perform.

98. I told my buddy to give her whatever money I had left in my wallet and to tell her that she is beautiful and smart and shouldn't degrade herself like this - to get another job.

99. She's now married with a family and holds a degree in psychology.

100. Having regrets in life is bad, not being able to change is worse.

101. Alot of this was hard to write because it brings up memories and feelings I don't like to always admit are part of me.

One For The Thumb, One For The Bus
The Pittsburgh Steelers are the new AFC Champs and are headed to Detroit to play in Super Bowl XL! After a convincing 31-17 win over the Denver Broncos, the 6th seeded Wildcard team that nobody gave a chance to has taken it all the way! Never has a 6th seeded team made it to the Super Bowl until now. The Steelers almost didn't even make playoffs, but one more regular season win squeezed them into the post season. However, despite being the underdogs for every single playoff game, the Steelers proved critics wrong. They showed that football isn't played with a bunch of stats on paper, but rather with alot of heart on the field.

The Black & Gold will take on the Seattle Seahawks in Super Bowl XL. Unlike the Steelers, the Seahawks have never been to a Super Bowl. So this is a first in their franchise history which makes the trip that much sweeter. Although, I hate to say that it will also make their future Super Bowl lose to the Steelers that much more bitter. Yes, I'm predicting my Steelers will finally get "one for the thumb" - their 5th Super Bowl ring. More than likely, this will be running back Jerome Bettis's last game and last shot at a Super Bowl ring. Usually Super Bowl games are blowouts and I wouldn't mind if the tradition continued this year, as long as it is the Seahawks getting spanked. Finally, a Super Bowl game that will be good to watch for the game and not just the commercials or occasional boob popping incidents.

The Death Penalty Would Of Been More Lenient
It's a punishment tailored to hit a diehard football fan where it hurts the most, taking away his right to watch Super Bowl Sunday. A Cleveland court judge has ordered a grown man be sent to his room and have his TV privileges taken away during the biggest football game of the year! You may remember the December 24th Steelers-Browns game when a drunken Browns fan ran out onto the field. The fan was quickly caught by Steelers linebacker James Harrison who body-slammed the fan onto the ground and held him for police. In my opinion, it was the best play of the game and definitely a worthy video clip for any NFL highlight reel.

The fan in question is 24-year-old Nathan Mallett who was convicted earlier this month of misdemeanor counts of disorderly conduct while intoxicated and criminal trespassing. He said he ran onto the field because he was upset by Pittsburgh's 41-zip blowout of the Browns. (Of course a thorough ass kicking handed from the Steelers to the Browns is nothing new or unusual.) Mallett will begin his 3 day sentence February 3rd and he won't be allowed to watch the February 5th Super Bowl game on TV, or listen to it on radio. The judge also ordered Mallett not to attend Browns games in Cleveland or any other city for 5 years as a condition of his probation. In addition, he also has to do 150 hours of community service with team charities.

Personally, I think the judge is doing this guy a favor by forbidding him to attend any more Browns games. Let's be honest, the Cleveland Brows suck! It's usually a miracle when the team sees any post season action. With that aside, the guy did look like a fool getting body-slammed by a pro linebacker, but it sure gave me a good laugh. So I have to thank him for that. You would think seeing that clip of himself over and over again on the news would of been punishment enough, the embarrassment and humiliation factor. However, a judge says he wants to see the Browns fan rot in jail...well at least for Super Bowl weekend he will rot there.

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Random Act Of Kindness Will Continue

Yesterday I did a post about how I will spend the extra second of time I was given in 2006. Well actually everyone has 1 second added to their life this year thanks to the shift in the Earth's rotation. So I asked how everyone was going to spend that extra second and I went on to say how I was spending mine. If you want to read the full post, it can be found here. My blog always seems to die on Fridays. I think it's because we all have things at work to finish before we leave for the weekend, so I'm going to bring a little life to Friday posts by trying something new. I'm going to do a small update each Friday on how my new friendship with "Old Man Baker" (I've nicknamed him that until I find out his real name) is going. It may soon be what critics call "the feel good post of the week".

After I wrote yesterday's post, I put my plan into action and used that extra free second to say the simplest word known to man - hi. It took literally a second and as I learned, the small amount of time and effort it took to do this random act of kindness was a second well spent. As I walked down the street, the old man was once again outside his bakery sweeping aside a little snow and debris that covered his store's entrance. His back was toward me as I approached so I knew this probably was going to be awkward and I might need to save my hello for another day. However, footstep after footstep closed in the distance and with a single smile and a simple "hi", it brought the old man's world closer to mine. He had turned around in mid sweep and for the first time ever, I saw him look up. The old man's eyes were not clouded with cataracts, they actually had a little twinkle in them. He had a somewhat startled, but relieved look on his face that a total stranger had taken a brief moment to acknowledge his existence. He quickly put his head back down but not before replying with a polite and humble "morning sir". Sir? I'm a sir? I'm no sir. I'm still in my 20s! This man has 50+ years on me! Why do I deserve that respect?

If you think about it, it doesn't matter if a man is old, young, rich or poor. He still deserves some respect. I don't like the fact that if a world renowned surgeon is walking down the street and sees "Old Man Baker" outside in his tattered coat with a sweeping broom in hand, that the surgeon feels the old man is beneath him and won't say hello. Who cares if his coat probably costs less than your silk tie. Who cares if his wage is the same amount of money that many lay down for a coffee at Starbucks. Who cares if he is from another generation and the rest of the world may be up on today's news and have the latest tech gadget in their pockets, while "Old Man Baker" still uses quarters to buy his morning news and make his phones calls. He's a hard working man just like everyone else walking by and that alone entitles him to some respect, regardless if he carries his head high or holds it down low. Does it really matter if his life is so different than mine? Perhaps we aren't that different after all. I'm interested in finding out. I'm going to make it my own little personal mission to get to know this old man. Find out his name, where he's from, where his passions in life lye. Some may think I'm crazy for wanting to do this, but I tend to think others are crazy for not wanting to get to know someone that intrigues them. There is nothing more sincere than taking the time and making the effort to get to know someone and what a better way to get to know someone than just asking for the opportunity to do so. It all starts with a simple one second hi.

Maybe part of me also wanted to say hi to him because nobody else did and I felt bad. Nobody else seems to pay him any attention. Perhaps part of me worries that if something would happen to me financially and I wasn't able to retire at a decent age, that maybe I would become the very old man I see before me working a daily grind well into his 70s. I think I would want someone to acknowledge my existence. So perhaps just like in the movies, if you do pay it forward, then only good can come from it. Good will be in my future if I shall ever find myself one day in Old Man Baker's tattered coat. Good karma never hurts and a random act of kindness is always time well spent. My second is now officially used up and "Old Man Baker" and myself can both smile about that.

1 Second Added To Your Life, What Will You Do With It?

You know in that song "In a New York minute everything can change", well what about in a second, can everything change in a second? It's very little time to work with. It's here and gone in literally a blink of an eye. However, I think 1 single second is enough time to make a difference. So for me, yes, everything can change in a second. For those who have been under a rock since 2006 rolled in, the world has been given an extra second thanks to the first "leap second" in 7 years. It's a timing tweak meant to make up for changes in the Earth's rotation. So what do you plan on doing with that extra second added to the New Year, added to your life? Well I've been giving that some thought and today I will attempt to use it the best possible way I can think of using a second.

If you don't believe me that the world can change in a second, then think about this. It only takes a second to lose control of your car on the road and crash. It only takes a second to gasp your last breath of life. It only takes a second to lean in for a kiss and get those butterfly feelings in your stomach. It only takes a second to see your new born baby for the first time and fall in love. It only takes a second to pull a gun trigger and throw away the hopes and dreams of a teenager. It only takes a second to say hi.

In that short amount of time all those things are possible and believe it or not, I've experienced quite a few of them. I know what it's like to get hit on a motorcycle and see your life flash before your eyes in a spit second. I know what it's like to see someone gasp their last breath of life. I know what it's like to lean in for the big kiss and feel the butterflies. I'm fortunate to say I have never witnessed a teenager pull a gun trigger on his high school and I look forward to the day when I witness my first born for the first time and fall in love. So the only thing that leaves is a second for me to say hi and that is exactly how I've decided to use my extra second this 2006.

Every Thursday morning on my way into work, there is this little old man that sweeps up the street outside a bakery downtown. He is wrapped tightly in a worn coat topped with a threadbare scarf and knit hat. He never wears gloves despite the snow and frost lying on the very sidewalk he sweeps. The bitter cold air whips at his arthritis boned hands and they are dry, chapped and red. He keeps his head down to his work and away from the outside world and those that pass by him daily. He's hunched over and walks with a shuffle in his step. You hardly ever see his face, let alone into his eyes. I wonder who he is, what his life is like and what stories he could tell. I'm not sure why this old man intrigues me so much. I think it's the fact that there seems to be more there than what you see on the surface. For all I know, he could be a bitter senior citizen who hates his business, but is too broke to retire. Or he could be a former standout scholar from just down the street at Carnegie Mellon and he took over the bakery when his Mother passed away from cancer. Perhaps it wasn't his calling in life, but he wants to live out her dream. Perhaps I just think too much on my morning commute.

Whatever the case may be, I know I want to say hi to this old man. It only takes a second and it's how I want to spend my extra second in 2006. I don't know if it will make a difference to him, but to me it will. I don't care if he says hi back. I don't even care if he looks up or acknowledges my existence in the least. I still want to say hi. Don't ask why, I just do. It's something I can't really explain. It's something I just feel compelled to do. Time is a gift, even if you are only given an extra second in life. Do something compelling today with that second. Even if it doesn't change someone else's life around you, it very well may change your own.

Related post of interest...
07/11/05 1-Year-Old Teaches Me To Stop And Smell The Roses

Ass Xeroxing Is A Spreading Epidemic

If you are like most people, you attended some form of an office party over the holidays last month. For many it's a time when you see your boss and co-workers "true colors" shine thru as they appear in vivid form after...I don't know, say 5 cocktails. You may catch your shy IT guy running around with a lampshade on his head or the mousey front desk receptionist using a half empty fish bowl as a margarita glass. Then of course there is always either the most appalling or the most exciting part of the party - the time when people get bored and begin photocopying their ass on the company's Xerox machine. Ah, yes. Everyone knows what I'm talking about here. Either you have done it yourself or you know someone that has. Of course, there doesn't need to be an office party going on and you don't even need to be buzzed to partake in this activity. Some of the best Ass Xeroxing portraits have come on your average mundane Monday afternoon.

Office party photos are always memorable,
whether you are the guy holding the mistletoe over your crotch
or you are the lady photocopying her butt.
The memories are priceless and last a lifetime.

So raise your hand if Ass Xeroxing is a spreading epidemic in your office? I hope your hand is raised or you really do have a dull work life. I for one am guilty of photocopying my ass and various other body parts (except that part, I do have morals) at work on many occasions. I'm not sure if I'm really proud of that statement, but it is what it is. Hey, I'm an energetic person and if you trap me in an office for hours on end, I will get a little crazy when I'm bored. I've been know to participate and encourage others in said behavior. From back in the days of helping out in my HS office, to my college library, to my internship, to my first real job, yes I have made a photocopy of my ass, the side of my face, my hand and even my new tattoo to fax over to Mom. Sweet right? Ok, so maybe it's a little disturbing, but it was funny at the time and when one gets really bored, it takes little to amuse you.

Photocopier supplier Canon warned customers to take better care of their office equipment during the Christmas period, claiming that the festive season traditionally leads to a 25% hike in service calls due to incidents such as the classic backside copying prank. Such a stunt, a mainstay of the office party, often results in cracked glass on the copier. 32% of Canon technicians say they have been called out to fix glass plates after attempts to copy body parts went wrong. A Canon employee admits that they always fit lots of new glass to copiers after New Year's due to rear-end copying. In fact, Canon claims a shocking 46% of service calls are in response to non-work-related breakages.

In one case, a young lady had cracked the glass in mid-scan! She also jammed the scanner so that it wasn't until the machine was fixed that her colleagues looking on, all saw the copies of her backside pouring from the machine! Partly in response to this trend, or perhaps because of the "supersizing" of the western physique, Canon has now increased the thickness of its glass by an extra millimeter. However, one of the most alarming tales comes from a service engineer who claims he had to repair a machine with a photocopy of a man's groin jammed in it! We can only hope he meant it was the photocopy that was jammed in the machine. Perhaps an office identity parade is necessary to see who the guilty ass photocopying culprits are. Then they will be charged for the call-out service fees.

***UPDATE***
This is only Part #1 "Ass Xeroxing Is A Spreading Epidemic". More to come on this subject in the near future. Look for...
Part #2 "Introducing The Ass Copier 5000"
Part #3 "Man's Colon Cancer Death Blamed On Ass Xeroxing".

What Are You Wearing?

Apparently there was some fancy awards show last night in Hollywood. The Golden Globes, right? As you can see I get all these award shows mixed up. I find them all pretty boring to watch. However, just so I don't look totally clueless, I try and glance at the news the next morning or pick up the newspaper so I can at least see who the big winner was. That way I can look "well informed" and "in the know" around the office water cooler. Clever huh? It seems that the big winner was "Brokenback Mountain". Notice my maturity level and self control there to resist the urge of making a joke about the film title? Yes, it's about 2 gay cowboys and no, I don't know anything more than that because it's not exactly a movie I'm eager to put down my 10 bucks to see. I'll just take the word of the Golden Globes, say it's a good flick and keep my wad (of cash that is) in my pocket. (Darn, a harmless gay joke still snuck in - sorry.)

So my sister calls me last night and is shocked that I'm not watching The Golden Globes. Shocked? Is she serious? I don't know any guy that watches award shows unless they are gay or forced to sit on the couch with a girl and partake in the "what are you wearing" red carpet arrivals. I mean seriously, there was a basketball game on the other station so what does she think I would be watching? Silly girl. Well being the fashion guru that she is and if she sees this post, she will appreciate what I am about to do. It's the "what am I wearing" red carpet interview via a blog. Now unless you know me pretty well, you probably won't find this very funny because it has to be said/read in my pretend gay/lisp/snooty celeb voice.

"I'm wearing Armani and I'm going tieless because I can rock it without it. The shoes are by Aldo. My bling...I'm going blingless. However I did find a rather shiny new paperclip in my coat pocket. Does that count as bling? Now that is what I wore to the big show, AKA work today. For the after party, AKA going to the gym...I will be sporting some Nike shorts and a plain white tee. Yes darling, I look fabulous but did you expect anything less? After all, it is Golden Globe night! Now you fierce bitches step aside while I strike a pose for the cameras."

Be Annoying Online And You'll Be Arrested Offline

Annoying someone via the Internet is now a federal crime. It’s no joke. President Bush recently signed into law a prohibition on posting annoying messages online, sending annoying IMs or e-mail messages without disclosing your true identity. The law comes under the Violence Against Women and Department of Justice Reauthorization Act. Criminal penalties include stiff fines and 2 years in prison! Web Anonymity may not be a crime, but annoying someone on the web is? So is it ok to flame someone in a message board forum or in a blog as long as you do it under your real name? These are questions that are raising alot of issues.

Originally the purposed law stated that...
"It was reasonable by comparison and criminalized only using an interactive computer service to cause someone substantial emotional harm."

Toady the signed law states this...
"Whoever...utilizes any device or software that can be used to originate telecommunications or other types of communications that are transmitted, in whole or in part, by the Internet... without disclosing his identity and with intent to annoy, abuse, threaten or harass any person...who receives the communications...shall be fined under title 18 or imprisoned not more than two years, or both."

The use of the word "annoy" is particularly problematic because what's annoying to one person may not be annoying to someone else. Therefore this makes the definition of the word "annoy" open to personal interpretation and makes this new law seem a little sketchy to fully understand. So who decides what is annoying? The official word is that as long as there is "intent to annoy" and not whether or not someone is actually offended, that seems to be all it takes for it to be considered a crime. However, while people are debating whether or not a crime has actually been committed based on their own personal definition of the word "annoy", what about the real cases of when "being annoying" has gone to a new level and develops into harassment or even stalking? Well we all know that harassment and stalking whether done online or offline is clearly a crime. There are numerous laws that state that you can not harass or "cyber stalk" someone whether you disclose your true identity or remain anonymous. It's against the law either way you do it.

To some, being annoying should be a crime. It's a little funny to think of it like that, but wouldn't life be so much sweeter if you could take every annoying person you know and throw their ass in jail? Ahh, pure bliss! Only in a perfect world would such an easy fix and a true pleasure exist. Since we don't live in a perfect world, annoying people will continue to exist online and offline. It's how you choose to deal with these annoyances that will really make a difference. In many cases simply distancing yourself as far away as possible from the problematic person/s and ignoring them at all costs is the best solution. When that fails, sometimes legal measures need to be taken. To the person/s being annoyed, harassed or even cyber stalked, you can feel like you are on the losing end. However, it's important to keep in mind that although you may feel angry, frustrated and even overwhelmed, that there is help and laws put into place to protect you. You must look at the situation as the annoyer/harasser/stalker as being "sick" and in many cases they really are. How else can you explain the great lengths these people will go to in order to continue their annoying/harassing/stalking behavior? The effort and time they put into it alone is scary. Everyone deserves a peaceful life, online and offline. This new law is meant to protect that right and help insure that you too can have peace from the annoying. Of course, don't abuse it and get "sue happy" like so many people tend to get in the US.

Today is Martin Luther King's birthday and in celebration of him, we remember his famous "I Have A Dream" speech. Today I have composed my own speech which is a little similar...
"I have a dream that one day people will find something better to do with their lives than annoy, harass and stalk others. I have a dream that one day they will wake up and see that their evil efforts are wasted and they have gained nothing by their wrong doings. I have a dream that they will look in the mirror and see how foolish they look and feel ashamed for their behavior. I have a dream that these people will change for the better. Until that day, I wish for the rest of the world to feel not afraid and turn to this new law that has been signed and sing... Free at last! Free at last! Thank God Almighty, we are free at last!"

On The 7th Day, God Watched Steelers Football

Don't disturb me today because I need to focus. I will mentally prepare for the big game by first dressing in the appropriate holy attire which consists of my favorite pair of faded broken-in blue jeans and my black #86 jersey. Then it's time to get nice and comfy on the couch. I will need to turn the volume up on the TV to at least the "L", you know in "Volume", about 20 squares in from the left. That way I'll be drowned out yelling at the plays on the field. I suggest everyone reading this watches the game too. God himself will be watching! How do I know? Let's just say we are tight, we talk and he told me he's a Steeler fan. Just between you and me...there is a slight chance that lighting may strike the entire Colts team dead today, guaranteeing a Steeler win!

Polamulu, voted "Sexiest Hair" in the league!
(Anyone gullible enough to believe that?)

It's onto the next round in the NFL playoffs for the Pittsburgh Steelers. After last week's Wildcard win against the Bengals, the Black & Gold are in Indianapolis today to take on the Peyton Manning and the Colts. I was pretty confident last weekend that we would beat Cincinnati, but this week I'm a little nervous. It seems that every year we are bumped out of the playoffs due to a lose coming from either the Colts or the Patriots. I'm hoping this year will be different and we can pull off an upset. If today marks the end of the season for the Steelers, it may also mark the end of an era for "The Bus", Jerome Bettis. After 13 years, one of the best running backs in the NFL may be making his last stop in Indianapolis. If Bettis does retire, it will be sad, but don't worry because we have Willie Parker to fill his shoes! He is like a black Forest Gump, that boy is crazy fast!

So if I was Coach Cower, I would prepare my football team with a few short words. The same words I was given when I boxed. "Strike first, strike fast, hit hard, no mercy." If the Steelers can come out, put points on the board early and pressure Manning, then I smell the scent of sweet victory...or the smell of sweaty gym socks, whichever you prefer.

Macworld 2006 Is An iSnooze, Except For 'Dissing Intel

If you are a Mac lover, than you are probably aware that the annual Macworld Conference & Expo took place from January 9-13 in San Francisco. It comes just days after Microsoft's CEO Bill Gates took stage at CES to talk about his upcoming Microsoft products. Macworld on the other hand is the place where Apple's CEO Steve Jobs shows off his latest and greatest Mac products. It's the place where the iMac was first introduced to the public over a decade ago. Since then, there has been 2 major redesigns of the original iMac. This year I was expecting we would see the 4th gen iMac, but unfortunately that didn't happen. Since Apple's other big product is the iPod, surely we would see a new iPod at Macword, right? Nope, no new iPod either. So what did Steve Jobs show us? Well, not much if you ask me. It was a bit of an "iSnooze" of a keynote speech giving Mac lovers little to get excited about.

Of course in lue of a new redesigned iMac or iPod, Jobs had to talk about something. Therefore, the bulk of the Macworld news consisted mostly about Apple's new ties to Intel. In the hardware department, Apple released the first ever Intel-based iMac and the new MacBook Pro. When it came to software, 2006 versions of the iLife and iWork suites were introduced, along with a new program called iWeb that helps you design websites, set up blogs and assist with podcasting. New Apple accessories also debuted, including an FM receiver and remote for the iPod. Lastly, the OS X operating system will begin shipping with new widgets. Despite all these new products, many people will look back at Macword '06 and not remember the hardware or software introductions, but rather the huge "insert foot in mouth" Apple campaign slogan. Various banners were hung with the phrase..."What's an Intel chip doing in a Mac? A whole lot more than it's ever done in a PC."

It's no secret that Apple and Microsoft are heated rivals. It's also no secret that for years Intel chips have been the processor of choice in Windows PCs. So it's only natural that the bulk of Intel's business comes from Microsoft. Are you following me so far? Now the big question is...if you (Apple) are trying to break new ground in an area (gaining Intel's business) that is mostly controlled by your competition (Microsoft), I would tend to think you do not want to publicly bash your new business partner (Intel) regardless if they also do business with your competition or not. It just looks...well, childish.

I just don't understand what Apple's PR department and legal team is thinking when it comes to "smart business". You may remember awhile back when word got out that Apple made the biggest tech blunder of all time - forgetting to patent the iPod! When that news broke, I just couldn't believe it! How could a company as innovative as Apple be so dumb? Well it seems Apple didn't learn much from that huge mistake as they once again are embarrassing themselves, or perhaps more importantly, embarrassing their new partnership with Intel. Just a FYI for Steve Jobs in case he hasn't figured this out yet, Intel is pissed over the new campaign slogan. I suggest you change it before you find yourself in an ugly legal dispute.

Fine. You Perverts Want It? You Perverts Can Have It!

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The Blog Post I Pulled

Some of you may of noticed I didn't do a blog post for Thursday and although this post you are reading now is postmarked as "Thursday", I'm really writing it a day late on a Friday. Why? Well, I had something written up on Thursday. I even posted it and it was on the net for about 30 minutes while I debated on whether or not to keep it there. As you can see, in the end I decided it was best to pull the post. I figured if it was making me hesitate on my decision so much, than perhaps that alone was a sign that it shouldn't of ever been written. Ok, maybe it needed to be written for my own personal sake, but it didn't need to be read by anyone else. Sometimes I find comfort in writing, even if it is just for myself. It can be helpful to get my feelings out on paper when at times I feel I can't say the words I need to say to someone, so I write those words instead to myself. To some that may sound silly, but to me it works.

Then I usually throw the paper out and move forward. Maybe that is a cleansing process. I get what I need to say off my chest without hurting or burdening anyone with my feelings in the process. I'm sure someone is reading that sentence and thinking "how sad". Sad or not, I have to do what works for me. We all deal with things differently and I suppose that is one of the ways I cope. Did my thoughts/feelings for the day really need to be turned into digital text and brought to life? Did I really need to share with the world what was going on with me yesterday? I'm thinking no. Usually I will share, but I'm begging to learn that sometimes it's not good to share. Some things need to be private, whether to protect the hearts and lives of others involved, or just to protect my own heart and shield my own life from anymore unnecessary pain or judgment. It's always a bit of a gamble, but I hope I am playing the best hand I can given the cards I've been dealt.

I understand this is just a blog. It's not a mandatory work assignment. There is no rule saying I must bare all or bare none. There isn't anyone holding a gun to my head and demanding I open up. The only one that can hold me back from exposing my soul is me. I sort of like the fact that in the past some people have said such shitty things about me that it made my Mother upset. Upset enough to not want to come back to my site. Don't get me wrong. It infuriates me when anyone makes my Mom cry. It breaks my heart and embarrasses me when she calls to ask me why people are doing that to her son. However, deep down I am a little relieved that for the most part, she doesn't see what I write. Those incidents have discouraged her from coming back. When it comes to blogging, I've always been torn between the fact of whether or not it's a good thing that those that know me in "real life" also read my blog. Sometimes I wish nobody knew me outside my blog. Then I could write with more freedom. I wouldn't feel the need to sometimes censor myself or hold back expressing myself. I would lay it all out there without a care of who reads it because their judgment is one I would never have to see on their face, because I would never see their face.

I really don't know if my words touch people or if they just wash over them. I really don't know if people are sincere when they compliment me. I like to believe they are, but how can one tell in the "virtual world"? I think sometimes I only feel sincerity if someone takes me by the shoulders, looks in my eyes and tells me themselves. So in cases where that doesn't happen, then I have to believe that my words don't carry any more weight than the wind blows. It sounds a little sad to view it like that, but I think it might be a fair assumption to make?

Hack Your Starbucks Cappuccino & Feel The Buzz

In the past I've given you little "hacks" to help simplify, speed up and make your life more enjoyable. Take for instance 2 of my past posts, The Traffic Light Hack and The Elevator Hack. So in conjunction with improving your morning commute, I'm going to help you get a stronger kick out of your morning coffee. Best of all, it will save you money! Now that is something every Starbucks junkie can appreciate right? So here's the little secret that Starbucks doesn't want you to know. They will serve you a better, stronger cappuccino if you want one and they will charge you less for it. Just ask for it in any Starbucks and the barista will comply without batting an eye. So I'm going to share a little love and let you in on the trick.

The drink in question is the elusive 8-ounce "short cappuccino". It is a third smaller than the smallest size on the official menu, "the tall". It is also dwarfed by what Starbucks calls the customer-preferred size, the "Venti" which weighs in at 20-ounces and contains more than 200 calories before you add the sugar. The short cappuccino has the same amount of espresso as the 12-ounce tall, meaning a bolder coffee taste and also a better one. The World Barista Championship rules, for example, define a traditional cappuccino as a 5 to 6 ounce beverage. This is also the size of cappuccino served by many continental cafés. Within reason, the shorter the cappuccino, the better. Confused yet?

The problem with large cappuccinos is that it's impossible to make the fine-bubbled milk froth ("microfoam" in the lingo) in large quantities. A 20-ounce cappuccino is an oxymoron. Many Starbucks junkies can confirm that it is a better drink than the buckets of warm milk topped with a veneer of froth that the coffee chain advertises on its menus. This secret cappuccino is cheaper too. On average, Starbucks charges $2.35 instead of $2.65. So why does this cheaper, better drink along with its sisters (the short latte and the short coffee) languish unadvertised? The official word from Starbucks is that there is no room on the menu board. Although this doesn't explain why the short cappuccino is also unmentioned on the comprehensive Starbucks website, nor why the baristas will serve you in a whisper rather than the usual practice of singing your order to the heavens.

In short, economics is the answer. This is the Starbucks way of sidestepping a painful dilemma over how high to set prices. Price too low and the margins disappear; too high and the customers do. Any business that is able to charge one price to price-sensitive customers and a higher price to the rest will avoid some of that awkward trade-off. It's just good business sense. Bottom line, if you'd like a better coffee for less, just ask. Then thank me for the "hack". Knowledge is power.

Other Starbucks coffee related posts of interest...

09/28/05 Study Claims Caffeine Addicts Are Fat, Sexless And Will Die!
09/28/05 I Like My Coffee Tall & Black Like My Men

Think Really Hard Before You Register That Domain Name

It seems like these days everyone has a domain name (.com .net .org .whatever). However, how much thought do you put into your new virtual home address? I think you would take careful consideration before laying down the cash to register that name for 1, 2, 5, or even 10 years! Although it seems that alot of people don't take nearly enough time and consideration before heading to GoDaddy.com and registering that domain name of their dreams. So for those of you that rush into things, let me just say that your haste makes waste...or rather you just made an ass out of yourself and it's going to loom in cyberspaces for years to come. Here's a list of some funny URLs where the designer and/or admin didn't think about how people would REALLY read the name of the site.

www.whorepresents.com
A database for agencies to the rich and famous.
How It's Suppose To Read - Who Represents
Translation - Whore Presents

www.expertsexchange.com
A knowledge base where programmers can exchange ideas.
How It's Suppose To Read - Experts Exchange
Translation - Expert Sex Change

www.penisland.net
Find yourself the perfect pen.
How It's Suppose To Read - Pen Island
Translation - Penis Land

www.therapistfinder.com
Need a therapist? Then look here.
How It's Suppose To Read - Therapist Finder
Translation - The Rapist Finder

www.molestationnursery.com
Mole Station Native Nursery, based in New South Wales.
How It's Suppose To Read - Mole Station Nursery
Translation - Molestation Nursery

www.gasheating.co.uk
A central gas heating company.
How It's Suppose To Read - Gas Heating
Translation - Gash Eating

www.powergenitalia.com
New to Milan and you need electricity hooked up? Call Power-Gen.
How It's Suppose To Read - Power Gen Italia
Translation - Power Genitalia

A little free advice to all of you out there looking to register a domain name, if you don't want to take a moment to consider how the rest of the world will interpret your URL, then I suggest you just take this easy blatantly obvious route. Just go and register www.imajackass.com (if it's not already taken) to get the humiliation over with. Say it loud. Say it proud. I'm a jackass and now the whole world will know it!

What Happens In Vegas...(you know the rest)

You know the saying "what happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas"? Well that is true, but I'm going to make a small exception in some areas and leak out a few details from my weekend in Las Vegas. Sound good to you? Now it's probably safe for me to recap most of the CES show considering it didn't contain any explicit sex acts involving a nymphomaniac, a monkey and barrel full on bananas. Of course for just an extra $50 more you could of got yourself in the Adult Entertainment Expo which I'm sure contained a similar act. Unlike the Consumer Electronics Show, I believe the Adult Entertainment Expo was open to the general public and from what I heard, it was packed! I wasn't even aware until the last minute that there was a pornstar convention going on right next door to CES!

The best tech gadgets are also great eye candy. I prefer black and silver,
but this hot pink Razr phone displayed as a Martini caught everyone's eye.
It was so appealing, that all the display phones
were stolen by the end of the weekend!

A porno expo sounds entertaining right? Well I wouldn't know because I didn't attend, but I do wonder what exactly goes on in a porn convention - hot lesbians giving live toy demos? If so, then perhaps I should of paid the extra $50 to see that! Then again, if that interests you, in Vegas you can see those types of acts everywhere...if you play your cards right, some are even free and involve audience participation if you know what I mean. Now try and forget the porn for a minute and focus on technology. CES was a blast if you put aside the fact that you had to wait in line forever to tour the NextGen Home (which was a house of the future) and the fact that celebs like Justin Timberlake, Tom Cruise and others cheezed the atmosphere up a little, there was still much to see and do. So among the booth babes and all those shiny sleek tech gadgets, a few products I felt were worthy of mentioning. Although instead of me writing about them, I'm going to let these photos below speak for themselves. Consider this your virtual tour - The Best Of CES.

More than 150,000 people from all over the world witnessed the introduction of thousands of new products and technologies. The show floor consisted of nearly 2 million square feet of space, giving plenty of room to the 2,500 exhibitors that were setup. The 2006 International CES lived up to its billing as the world’s largest technology tradeshow and made every tech head, including myself, feel like a kid in a candy store! Although we may only be in 2006, it felt more like looking into the future of 2010 and beyond. Of course many of the prototype products that were introduced to the public won't officially make it into production for several years, but it's always amazing to see what some of today's most brilliant minds are coming up with - concept ideas for the everyday Joe to integrate into his daily lifestyle.

The majority of gadgets I thought were pretty cool and useful, but there were some products that I was rather disappointed in and I don't see them selling well if they should ever hit the shelves. Then there were products that made my mouth water and my eyes glaze over, things that blow your mind. However, CES at times can be frustrating, or at least to me it can be. I feel frustrated when I see something and I want to slap my forehead saying "duh, why didn't I think of that or I had that idea, but I could never put it into motion". I have that creativity in me and I see these ideas in my head, I just have a hard time getting them out. I know that is a huge downfall and something I really need to work on if I ever want to be one of those innovative people I saw before me this weekend.

CES only ran during the day, so there was plenty of nightlife to be had during the rest of the weekend. I made sure to make good use of the time by gambling entirely too much, hitting up a few clubs, consuming my fair share of drinks and doing it all while taking in virtually no sleep. Now that's the way to live in Vegas! Any single guy with a half a brain knows it's not exactly the smartest thing to share his Vegas stories, that is if he can even recall the stories when all is said and done. However, I do wonder how I can go to Vegas with $2,000 spending cash in my wallet and come home with just $22 dollars, especially given the fact that work paid for hotel and flight expenses. Hmm. I also wonder why I have a sizable lump on the left side of my forehead - no joke. I can't really see it, but if you touch it, you can feel it and it does hurt somewhat. I know for sure I didn't get into a fight or anything, but how that bump got there, I have no clue.

One thing I did learn in Vegas, that when you go with a group of guys that are more "co-worker status" than "buddy status", they don't help keep you from doing stupid things like your regular buddies do. For instance, don't you think it would of been the kind thing for this one guy to actually tell me that I tipped some stripper with a $50 bill? I mean that was just a dance tip, not even a lap dance and she wasn't even that good looking! What is up with that? Obviously I must of thought I was tucking her a $5. The next day, he let me know of the slipup and he sure got a good laugh out of me blowing $50 on some stripper in one single tip. I suppose when it comes to some things, I should be thankful. Thankful that I didn't wakeup one morning and find a "Just Married" sign hanging in my hotel room and some questionable girl laying beside me who's name I didn't even catch until I see it on the marriage license. So yeah, things could of been worse.

The Best Of CES Photo Gallery

There was no reason for these trippy/hippy neon beads that hung
from the Intel booth. They were just...well, cool.

The folks at Sony were tight lipped about the upcoming PS3,
but it did make a CES appearance.

Freebies are always good. I was lucky enough to get my hands on the new Lexar JumpDrive, displayed here by an unknown hand model.

This oxygen bar just reminded me that we weren't far from CA.
That is sooo LA (and gay) as they say.

It won't massage your "naughty places",
but it will help relax you and take a load off.

A video phone? Come on now, that is so 2000.

Windows Vista will be the new O/S expected this year from Microsoft.

No trip to Las Vegas would be complete without the usual Elvis sighting.

Dumb product #1, the waterproof iPod case...
marketed toward deep sea podcasting divers?

Dumb product #2, the pussy guitar. Who in the world other than
maybe Avril Lavigne would rock out on Hello Kitty?

Dumb product #3, the 24k PC!
Yes, the front of this clear case is made of real gold bitches.

Dumb product #4, not to be outdumbed by the 24k PC, Dell unveiled their flaming PC. It's basically a fast computer with some fiery graphics - big whoop.

One of my favorite parts of CES is the auto tech area. Ever ride a motorcycle?
If you have, then you know how dangerous it is switching lanes
with a blind spot. This products solves that by giving you an "icon" telling you when it's not safe to switch lanes. I guess "Switch Lanes Now And Die"
was a little too long to print on the mirrors.

This isn't a new concept in snowboarding apparel, but Burton has yet another tech friendly jacket out. This one let's you control your iPod on your sleeve.

There was no shortage of huge TVs to watch the Steeler's game on.
LG introduced a 102inch plasma!

I failed the "no snooze" driving sim software. Several cans of Red Bull
does not make a Vegas partier alert enough to drive.

The Robo Boxer is awesome! What more can I say?

These Blue Man Group look-a-likes carved a Sprint cell phone
out of a giant block of ice. Why? Why not?

Can't attend the porno expo next door, but want to surf a little XXX?
Then grab some "alone time" in here.

Chic geek? Ahh, no.
Classic example of a gadget that won't get you laid...ever!

What makes you think she's a pornstar? Is it the fake breasts, the bleached blonde hair, the excessive makeup? No seriously what gave it away?
It's the fact that she was willing to fuck the guy pictured above.

I had to save the best for last.
I would of called it the "Coc-kit"! However, they opted to naming it "Clone-A-Willy". With CES overlapping with the Adult Entertainment Expo, I figured it's only right I feature one cool adult gadget. The classic Clone-A-Willy allows you to make a copy of your Johnson and with the optional motor you can even turn it into a vibrator. The latest version is the Chocolate Clone-A-Willy which lets you make a real milk chocolate copy that is 100% edible and apparently quite tasty. For Valentine's Day, give your girl roses, chocolate and dick...
or just roses and chocolate dick will suffice.