For longer than anyone can remember in the workplace, ass-copying technology has always been too far "behind" the times, taking up the rear in function-specific business innovations. However, there is a new business product available which is expected to give the rump-replicating market a good kick in the pants. I introduce to you the revolutionary Ass Copier 500, or better known as ASS 5000. It's a spanking-new business tool that has been introduced to plug a gaping hole in office administration. Before the creation of a back-end solution, copying products were unable to meet the demand of partying office workers or disgruntled mail-room staff. Attempts to scan company cornholes usually led to serious damage to existing equipment, which was never intended for posterior reproductions. Now that is all about to change thanks to the ASS 5000!
One of the advantages of the new ASS 5000 is that it will significantly reduce damage to existing standard copiers, making ass copying on your old Xerox a thing of the past. After only a few fannies, the ASS 5000 will have paid for itself! The flat screens of normal copiers were never intended to support the heavy weight of human hindsides. The tempered plate glass panel of the new ass copiers will support the bottoms of most of the office staff. Realizing that support is important in situations where alcohol may be consumed, the ASS 5000 goes the extra mile by sporting arms, a backrest and an optional drink-holder. A fold-out step-ladder is conveniently set inside the front panel for height-challenged members of the office. A contoured keister seat is also available as an upgrade, but critics claim the moulded glass distorts the photocopies, making the model look over-weight.
The ASS 5000 isn't all about appearances, though. With the latest electronics inside, it will reduce running costs with programmed multi-functionality. It boosts all-in-one capabilities from the same seat including copying, scanning, faxing and printing. So while photocopying 50 copies of your derriere for distribution in the lunch room, a high-resolution scan can be sent to the main server for e-mailing to outside clients or faxed directly to a programmed list of recipients. Now THAT is how to conduct business!
Most business photocopy machines are still black and white. While the base model ASS 5000 uses standard toner and the ASS 5001 is a full-color machine with a special skin-tone palette for more accurate reproductions, without constant recalibration. The manufacturer claims accuracy for everyone from the pasty tones of Richie Cunningham to dark shades of a Wesley Snipes and everyone in between. At a stellar 20 cheeks-per-minute the machine is fast enough for "run and grab" moments when you know the boss is just around the corner. A special teflon-like coating on the glass means smears, smudges and streaks are easy to remove. The bottom line is that the ASS 5000 and ASS 5001 are the business solutions to meet your ass-copying requirements. The manufacturer has plans to expand their product line in the next 2 years with a PC scrotum scanner, a virtual pelvic mapper and a digital ass camera - all products the entire world is eagerly anticipating.
No comments:
Post a Comment