The Blog Post I Pulled

Some of you may of noticed I didn't do a blog post for Thursday and although this post you are reading now is postmarked as "Thursday", I'm really writing it a day late on a Friday. Why? Well, I had something written up on Thursday. I even posted it and it was on the net for about 30 minutes while I debated on whether or not to keep it there. As you can see, in the end I decided it was best to pull the post. I figured if it was making me hesitate on my decision so much, than perhaps that alone was a sign that it shouldn't of ever been written. Ok, maybe it needed to be written for my own personal sake, but it didn't need to be read by anyone else. Sometimes I find comfort in writing, even if it is just for myself. It can be helpful to get my feelings out on paper when at times I feel I can't say the words I need to say to someone, so I write those words instead to myself. To some that may sound silly, but to me it works.

Then I usually throw the paper out and move forward. Maybe that is a cleansing process. I get what I need to say off my chest without hurting or burdening anyone with my feelings in the process. I'm sure someone is reading that sentence and thinking "how sad". Sad or not, I have to do what works for me. We all deal with things differently and I suppose that is one of the ways I cope. Did my thoughts/feelings for the day really need to be turned into digital text and brought to life? Did I really need to share with the world what was going on with me yesterday? I'm thinking no. Usually I will share, but I'm begging to learn that sometimes it's not good to share. Some things need to be private, whether to protect the hearts and lives of others involved, or just to protect my own heart and shield my own life from anymore unnecessary pain or judgment. It's always a bit of a gamble, but I hope I am playing the best hand I can given the cards I've been dealt.

I understand this is just a blog. It's not a mandatory work assignment. There is no rule saying I must bare all or bare none. There isn't anyone holding a gun to my head and demanding I open up. The only one that can hold me back from exposing my soul is me. I sort of like the fact that in the past some people have said such shitty things about me that it made my Mother upset. Upset enough to not want to come back to my site. Don't get me wrong. It infuriates me when anyone makes my Mom cry. It breaks my heart and embarrasses me when she calls to ask me why people are doing that to her son. However, deep down I am a little relieved that for the most part, she doesn't see what I write. Those incidents have discouraged her from coming back. When it comes to blogging, I've always been torn between the fact of whether or not it's a good thing that those that know me in "real life" also read my blog. Sometimes I wish nobody knew me outside my blog. Then I could write with more freedom. I wouldn't feel the need to sometimes censor myself or hold back expressing myself. I would lay it all out there without a care of who reads it because their judgment is one I would never have to see on their face, because I would never see their face.

I really don't know if my words touch people or if they just wash over them. I really don't know if people are sincere when they compliment me. I like to believe they are, but how can one tell in the "virtual world"? I think sometimes I only feel sincerity if someone takes me by the shoulders, looks in my eyes and tells me themselves. So in cases where that doesn't happen, then I have to believe that my words don't carry any more weight than the wind blows. It sounds a little sad to view it like that, but I think it might be a fair assumption to make?