When one thinks of a "mini me", one thinks of a little replica of themselves. A replica perfect in everyway. A clone of sorts that not only looks up to you, but also follows in your footsteps...sometimes literally, too literally. No, I'm serious. It's too much. Stop doing what I do. Stop going where I go. Stop dressing like me, talking like me, stop walking like me, just stop. You're freaking me out in case you couldn't tell already. What's wrong with you? Why are you being like this? Are you sick? Maybe you are and you don't even know you are sick, that's REALLY sick. Is it ok if I ask if you are gay? Perhaps you are and if so, that would help explain why you are stuck to me like fresh bubble gum on a new pair of Nikes.
Listen, I hate to break it to you, but I'm not gay. So this will never work. You have to understand that. You have to accept it. Do you not see this girl I am with today? She's not my sister. If you too were attracted to her, then I would understand. Although she does not stop traffic wherever she goes, she does pause life monetarily - just long enough for me to witness other men stopping, dropping and drooling. Of course I exaggerate a bit, but you do get my point, right? Although she has not stolen my heart, I do find her somewhat breathtaking. Perhaps you do too? Please tell me if this is so and I promise not to be angry or jealous. In fact, I will be happy. Happy to know it's not me you're after because that to me is just too weird of a concept to fathom. So what do you say? Tell me the truth, regardless if I can handle it or not.
From my understanding, Tiger Beat and Teen Bop magazines are no longer in publication and even if they were, I don't think I would be a poster boy in either. Nor will I strive to grace the cover of any said issue. I am not your teen heartthrob. I am not your centerfold spread. Oh God, my stomach is getting nauseas just saying that. Please, just stop. I'm begging you! I do not want to kanoodle with you by the cabin fireplace. I do not want to share a cup of warm coco while gazing into one another's eyes. I do not want to wake up in the morning to feel you spooning me from behind and hear you whisper the creepy words "morning lover". Ok, that's it. Now I'm REALLY going to be sick. (Give me a minute here.) I won't think of you, miss you or love you. I don't even like you! I'm not going to call you. I'm not going to write you. I'm not going to hang out with you. If I shall run into you, I won't even exchange pleasantries in fear it will give you false hope or misguide you in any way, shape or form. In short, I'm not going to see you ever again...as long as I can help it and as long as this restraining order holds up. I did not lead you on despite your delirium. It's time to get a grip on reality. There never was an "us". This must end and I'm cutting all ties with a giant hacksaw of a blade.
I do not want to feel the heat from the palm of your hand as your fingers ache to be intertwined with mine. I do not want you to brush your cheek against the scruff of my face and tell me it's sexy. This is NOT my fantasy. I can think of many other people, WOMEN, that I may have dreamed of and fantasized with. However, your "mini me face" has never once entered my imagination - not once, not even for a split second. Never. Never ever never. Did I mention never? If not, let me emphasize it some more. NEVER! My mind can not be farther from you. I'm sorry if that hurts your feelings or comes as a shock to you, but the truth needs to be told. I need to be blunt. I need to convey this message to you in the clearest, simplest of terms and pray that these words are burned into your brain like a cow being branded into his meaty thigh. That the generalization of "not interested, go away" sinks in and sits with you for eternity. This is how my heart truly feels. I know, I know, I sound cold and cruel here but put yourself in my shoes for a minute and then I dare you to tell me you feel any different.
By now, everyone must be wondering what I am talking about, so let me explain. It seems I have a "mini me". Not by choice, by accident. For whatever reason some idiot (who will remain nameless) invited this character along during our group ski/snowboard trip. The New Year's weekend was suppose to be spent with a group of friends, both guys and girls, then somehow mini me tagged along. He's like the kid brother I never had and never wanted. He's on me like white on rice. He's that thorn in my side I can not pick. His smothering attention is almost too painful to bear witness to, let alone having to experience it firsthand. I'm suffocating here. It's as if I should be dripping in blood to sustain such agony. He's that creepy extra body that is ever present when I move one step forward or take one step back, it's his toes I step on. It's him I bump into and trip over, literally. When I pass a glass door, it's his reflection in the mirror that I see behind me, peering into me like a white light in the night. I do not want to see his image. I do not want to hear his footsteps. I do not want to feel his breath on the back of my neck following, clinging, holding onto me for God only knows why. I do not want to sense his constant presence. ("I do not want him here. I do not want him there. I do not want him anywhere." Sorry, I couldn't resist throwing that in.)
Don't try to be like me. Granted I'm a swell guy, so I can see why you make these efforts. They say imitation is the highest form of flattery. However, imitation it's also damn right spooky too at times. Who knows, you might not be crazy...I hope. There is only one me and there is only one you. So be like you. You may find you aren't that bad of a person after all, I just won't be around long enough to congratulate you on your new life change. I just can't be there and you know why. It's not me, it's you. Sad, but true and I wanted you to hear it straight from the horse's mouth. Your new awakening will need to be yours and yours alone. I won't share it with you, that I can promise you. I shall shake you, not because it's the kind thing to do, but because it's the only thing I want to do. If I don't, I will lose my sanity. So now I must lose this shadow of mine. I would say parting is such sweet sorrow, but really in this case it's not. It's a time to rejoice! So goodbye to you mini me, goodbye.
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