It's become so bad that I refuse to even say anything at times. I simply ignore. I don't like having my words picked apart, twisted, read wrong and all that other crap. I don't like people jumping down my throat about the smallest petty thing and making it into something it isn't. I don't like people assuming they know the full story/both sides which they do not. I don't like people acting like they know me and what type of person I am when they have barely ever spoke to me or perhaps never even talked to me to begin with. I don't like being expected to sit and take it as I watch people belittle me and stick their nose into my personal life. I can't stand the total lack of respect for my privacy. When I open up to someone and share things with them of a very private nature, I've done so believing I could trust them with that information and not have it used against me and have it made known to the whole world without my ok first before doing so. Mostly, I hate feeling restricted on here and anywhere in life. Even a criminal isn't expected to be silenced and sit with his hands tied.
I suppose this "restricted" feeling I've had lately has shown a little in last month's posts. You will notice less and less posts of a personal nature being shared for this reason. Many people use their blogs to share personal life experiences and to even vent from time to time. I feel if I do that, then it becomes even a bigger problem then if I kept my feelings to myself. So unable to vent, I've turned to silence. What's good is that by just staying away from certain people and situations, I've noticed myself being less stressed, thus opening up other areas in my life to be happy.
I will say this though, one thing in the last week or so that really bothered me is that my Mom has never really visited my blog and of course the day she decided to check it out, is the day that she sees people ripping me up and down publicly - cussing me out, calling me a liar and this and that. I can't even list it all and really don't want to remember it. I hate the fact that she saw that and I hate even more how upset and mad she was about it. Once I saw the comments I deleted it and asked who was doing it to stop, but they ignored me and continued to make a private matter into a public display. I suppose their goal was to try to humiliate me and make me look like an a-hole in front of my family, friends and the general public. This type of behavior was then carried from my blog onto other blogs that link to me. I have no idea why, but if I was to guess the reasoning I would say it was for extra exposure for them do their best to cut me down some more by any means necessary. Perhaps in their eyes to do that to me even more in public would just be the icing on the cake. In hind sight, I know my family and friends wouldn't think any less of me from what was posted. It was also apparent later to me that even "blogger strangers" can see past this type of thing as well. So I guess all it did do was make the people who were going around slamming me look immature and very foolish for taking something that should of been dealt with privately (between ONLY 2 people) instead of making it a public event for everyone to take shots at and be involved in.
Anyway, I'm rambling and I don't want to get into it more than that. I'm not even trying to bring it up, but I needed to say what I did above to make this point. My point here being is to explain that part of the reason I closed my blog all together last month was because I really couldn't deal with the fact at how my Mom reacted to seeing all that stuff said about her son. That really got to me and made me feel even worse. In a sense I felt like I was letting my Mom down in terms of how she raised me. I think she did a great job at raising myself and my sisters and I guess part of me was worried that she may believe some of those things that were being said and think less of me. I have a real problem if I feel I've disappointed my parents and I've always put excessive pressure on myself to live up to their expectations. I think that is normal and perhaps that means you grew up to respect your parents so much that even when you are an adult, you fear letting them down in any form. What's funny is that it's not like they have some super strict expectations or idea of what type of person I should of grew to be. My parents want what every Mom and Dad wants for their kids - to be happy, healthy and financially secure.
So Mom if you ever do come back to check out my blog, I'm hoping your second visit will be a positive one. I apologize about the first trip around. Each month I try to add something to the blog or change it around a little to make it a better place. This month is no different as I'm throwing around the idea of having a "guest blogger". A guest blogger for me would be someone I trust to add some good content to my site and write up a clever little post. Now who that may be or what they will write about, I haven't decided. I really rather they throw the ideas at me and we can go from there. Hey I know...perhaps good old Mom would like to do it! Probably not, technology scares her somewhat and I really think she wants far away from my blog now. You thought the bear in my backyard upset her? Not even close to this. I guess in a sense she is like a mother bear in wanting to protect her cub/son. I guess I can understand that, but I'm a big boy and I wish she wouldn't take it to heart so much when a small group of people choose to talk poorly about me. I can't control that. I can only control me and how I deal with it.
Last month my visitor counter, page view totals and comments soared on the blog! Of course I should be happy about that, but alot of the increase in traffic from those areas where negative in nature. So the way I look at it, I rather have less action on the blog as long as it is in a positive form. Here's to another new month of blogging and let's all hope it's full of positive posts, positive comments and positive first time visitor experiences.
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