In college I had a girlfriend who in my eyes was perfect in everyway - loved her to death and couldn't get enough of her...especially when it came to sex. So we had plenty of "extra curricular activity" whenever we could. Well early on when we were dating, she told me she was going to take a week off of school to go on vacation with her parents. She wanted me to join her, but because I played basketball, my schedule wouldn't allow it. So I told her to have fun, that I would miss her and I couldn't wait to see her when she returned. Off she went and when she came back home, needless to say we had alot of sex to make up for from the absence. No problem there right? Well we also had a winter wedding to attend the very same day she got back. Therefore it looked like we would have to behave ourselves at least until AFTER the wedding...or so would of been the proper thing to do, but would of made for a lousy story.
It was one of my older fraternity brothers and a friend of hers that were tying the knot. I was in the wedding party, she was not only because the bride had so many sisters that someone would be falling off the alter if she added one more body up there. Anyway, I told my girlfriend that I would just meet her at the church since her parents and my parents were also attending the wedding. When I got there, I spotted her immediately because I passed 3 guys that all turned to check her out as she walked in. Naturally I turned too so I could see what they were looking at and there she was - wow. She had on this amazing snug fitting black dress that was so simple, but yet so damn sexy! The front was plain and it didn't have a plunging neckline or anything like that, but when she turned around just about the entire back of the dress was missing...but in a tasteful classy way of course. It was split the whole way down to just above her butt and it definitely caught the eye of everyone there. She always had great style and it certainly helped that she had an incredible body to go with it, making it even hotter. I know you aren't suppose to look better than the bride on her wedding day, but sorry she did and I think alot of people there would of agreed with me.
I have to admit from the second I saw her that I knew it would be next to impossible to behave myself and wait until after the wedding was over. Of course she wasn't helping matters by telling me how good I looked in my tux and how she couldn't wait to get me alone. She was saying things like that to me along with some other stuff that I won't repeat, then mix that with how great she looked and the fact that I had gone without some affection from her for over a week and you see how hard it was (no pun intended) to control myself. So I decided to do what any anxious guy in his 20s would do, I got resourceful. I quickly found a little room that was empty where we could get away for a "quickie" before anyone noticed we were missing. Now is the time you want all the dirty details right? Well, you will have to use your imagination because I don't kiss and tell. ;)
After both of our needs were met and we were satisfied (at least for the time being), we gathered ourselves and did a fast look-over on one another to make sure everything was in place - lipstick back on, hair fixed, shirt tucked in, pants zipped, ect. Then we went out to our table and sat down with both sets of our parents. It wasn't until about an hour later as dinner was finishing that I got up to get another round of drinks for everyone. As I came back to the table and sat down, my Mom leaned over and was looking at me weird. I had no clue what she was looking at and I replied with a dopey "what". She said "what's that on your pants there". I looked down and at first glance saw nothing. I double checked and there it was - a dried "Monica stain", AKA semen stain! (This is where you would hear the needle scratch across the record if this was an audio blog.) It seems that earlier when my girlfriend and I looked each other over, that this mark did not appear on the black pants because it was still fresh/wet. (Sorry if this is a little too graphic, but I warned you ahead of time - lol.) Although an hour or so later is enough time for it to dry and show up rather well on black pants. Oh lucky me.
Once I realized what it was I kind of froze thinking of an excuse - ranch dressing from the salad, cream from coffee...no that wouldn't work because I didn't have ranch dressing and I don't even drink coffee! Ugh, think, think! My girlfriend was no help as she was totally oblivious to the trauma I was "soaked" in. She was too busy showing off the bracelet I had just bought for her to her parents. While I was running out the game plan in my head, my Mom had other ideas. Being a Mother she instinctively took her napkin, licked the end of it and reached over to wipe the front of my pants...near my crotch at that! Of course I freaked out and it seemed as if everything was moving in slow motion and I could hear that creepy slowed down version of my Mom saying "here honey, hold still, I'll get it". I couldn't imagine the pure horror of my Mom not only rubbing my crotch in public, but doing it with a licked napkin to remove a cum stain - ugh! I would be scared for life if such an act took place. So I had to escape by any means necessary. I jumped up so fast that you would of swore my chair had been on fire and in the process of me trying to avoid the contact, my chair went flying across the floor and slammed into an old man at a table about 15 feet behind me. My flailing about also came at the most inappropriate timing because as I jumped up, I happen to time it perfectly with the best man over at the bridal party table who was standing to begin his toast to the happy couple. Half of the people at the reception thought I wanted to give a toast too! I tried brushing all the attention that I had drawn to myself off as if I was acting perfectly normal.
I did apologize to the old man and blamed my out of control chair on a freshly polished floor. I was able to keep my Mom from trying to wipe me like a 2 year old by telling her I would go to the men's room and use soap to get out "whatever it was". To this day it's still a mystery to my Mom and I know she won't read my blog anymore, but if she does, then I'm sure she will remember this story. She can now know the truth and look back and laugh at it - I hope. Really though, when I was 2 it was ok to wipe the front of my pants or shirt, but when I hit 22 or however old I was, it wasn't cool anymore. Moral of the long story...guys if you are going to get a quick one in while out in public there is no guarantee that you will be able to "spot all of the evidence" until it's too late. So always have ranch dressing on your salad, always drink coffee with cream, just do whatever you can to have an excuse on hand if you may ever find yourself in a similar situation.
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