Another reason I was debating to talk about this is that because the same issues keep reoccurring here on my blog, each day I am feeling more and more "restricted" as to what I would like to talk about. In a way I fear the backlash or the digs or whatever you want to call it if I was to share one of my own problems. Then again on the other hand, at this point I have nothing else to lose because some people are trying their hardest to take any bit of pride and dignity I have left and destroy it. So here goes.
I didn't sleep much last night. There are a few reasons why, but the one I will talk about is my dog. As you may recall I did a post (05/31/05 Ruff Times) on her awhile back after she began declining rapidly health wise. The last few days she hasn't been doing well and last night had 2 seizures. Her meds have been increased, but still not alot of improvement. No my dog didn't die, thank god, but more and more I keep asking myself "when is enough really enough". Is it time to let go and do the right thing by putting her down? Or is she not in pain or perhaps not suffering that much in terms of her quality of life? I really don't know and vets haven't helped me much in answering those nagging questions. I can't help but feel they are the ones being selfish by not giving me an honest and clear answer. What I mean by that is, perhaps they see me as more of a paying customer rather than someone who dearly loves his four legged friend and just wants what is best for the dog and not what it is best for himself. I am willing to not be selfish and just face losing my best buddy if that would be in her best interest. I only want to do the right thing and make her remaining time with me happy no matter how short or long it may be. Is it the fact that I have been giving them a considerable amount of money from these appointments in the form of shots, blood work and meds that keeps the veterinary office wanting me to come back for more? Or is it that they really do care about the well being of my pet and they are trying their best to give her the proper care, while at the same time maintain a reasonable comfort level so she can remain having the highest quality of life that at dog of 16 can have? I like to believe it's a little of both of those reasons, but I can't be 100% sure.
I ask the hard questions. The "is she in pain and am I just prolonging the inevitable" and "what do you think is the best/kind thing to do for her". Yes I know what the inevitable is. I'm not dumb and I don't have Superdog that lives to 110. My real question is if she is in pain, how do I know? A dog can't talk, but they can give you signs in a sense and I really don't see signs. Of course when she has a seizure she isn't well and that is a sign, but lots of dogs have epilepsy and are able to maintain a comfortable life and a happy one at that. Now they did tell me that because she is older that the chance she has just now developed epilepsy is not likeable, but it's more than likely that the seizures are brought on by a brain lesion or tumor. Great, is there anyone who doesn't get cancer? I suppose I will just have to keep asking my questions hoping for honest unbiased answers and watch for "signs" myself so I can be her voice.
Today I am feeling a little guilty because I am wondering if I played a part in brining on last nights seizures. When I came home from work, she seemed anxious to go outside. Although it was very hot and a little humid out, I thought I would walk her around for awhile. We didn't stay out long and when we came back into the house, she was hot and tired, but nothing out of the ordinary. Then later that night the 2 seizures. Maybe the outdoor walk had nothing to do with it, but in a way I feel like I was a "bad Dad" to her by letting her do what she wanted to do even though I knew it may of not been the best idea. Then again, as many people said on my blog yesterday...sometimes you can't shelter your kids and they have to make their own decisions and run their own life. Now it may sound a little silly I am comparing this to a dog, but stick with me because I have a point here...although long and rambling it may be, sorry.
Perhaps I am being too hard on myself and feeling guilty for nothing. Perhaps someone will even say "don't be too hard on yourself". I have heard that before from someone, but really that isn't what he meant at all. Those weren't his TRUE feelings there to me. What he should of said is "I'm going to throw out this nice phrase now, but don't believe it and later I will make sure to remind you that you are a failure". In the past other similar "heartfelt" (I use the term loosely) sentiments were expressed such as "you're a good kid, but". A good kid but? But what? But what usually means that I am going to say something that I don't mean, throw in the word "but" and then tell you how I really feel. I think that about sums it up. I sound like Dr. Phil there and I bet that is why you hate him, but the doc has a good point.
By all means, continue to preach to me about what a real man is and what a real man does. Go on and tell me about what a great Dad you are to be there for your daughter. Notice I don't get into that with you. Notice how I don't go to that level and point out where I think you are wrong. That to me would be wrong and disrespectful. Now I didn't say I have respect for you. At one time I did. Many times I would bite my tongue until I could practically taste blood when I would hear some of the stories of how you spoke to your daughter - she knows what I'm talking about. It would infuriate me and I wanted to stand up for her, but I thought no - there is a time and place for that and you are her father and I have to respect that boundary and not cross it. Like any father I felt you wanted me to sort of fear you and I can understand that. It's what Dads do to guys who are interested in their daughter and I'm fine with that - been there before. Although it went beyond fearing you. You tried to intimidate me and terrify me to the point that frankly sir I wasn't so sure I wanted to even get mixed up in your family. It's similar to the ending scene in "Meet The Parents". Greg Focker wants to be with the girl, but in all reality the father is part of the reason he wants to stay far, far away. All the interference from other friends and family members didn't help either. Greg had to spend more time and energy worrying about the relationships he had with the girl's family and friends and keeping things smooth there, that he hardly could focus on the real reason (the girl he loved) why he was even brought into the mess. Sound familar?
Most of the time I feel like I am having to fight my way out of a corner. I am in a fight I can never win. Even when I am down on one knee and acknowledge my wrong doing, you can't resist throwing another blow until you have completely laid me out for good. What is the point? Does it make you feel better? I hope it does and I'm not saying that to be a smartass, but I hope at least someone is getting something out of this because I know I'm not. Perhaps you learned that from being part of the LAPD, but even as a boxer I was taught there is time to say no more. I can let go. Can you? I watch my dog struggle to get up after a seizure. I am amazed at her willpower. Her sheer desire to pick up and continue on. Last night I tried to hold her while I watched her do this numerous times, get up and fall. She never quit and she gave me a new outlook on what has been going on in my life. It was like she was telling me to stand up for myself. So I am taking her silently spoken advice and doing just that. She has given me a voice.
You don't like me, that's fine. You think I'm a failure, that's fine too. You are entitled to your opinion. Do me one favor though. If you really want to hold the title of Superman and great Dad, then start forming a bond with your daughter and show her. One that gives her enough comfort, strength and trust to open up to you. That bond I know you have never shared with her. I've had that bond with her. So maybe you can actually learn from me for a change instead of you trying to always teach me. I know you're a Catholic man, as am I. Believe it or not I prayed for your wife when she was ill and even after she passed. Not sure if you will be insulted by that or what, but I thought you should know. If you've read the bible at all or even if you haven't, I'm sure you have heard of Corinthians 13:4. If not, it goes like this...
Love is patient, love is kind.
It is not jealous, (love) is not pompous, it is not inflated,
it is not rude, it does not seek its own interests,
it is not quick-tempered, it does not brood over injury,
it does not rejoice over wrongdoing but rejoices with the truth.
It bears all things, believes all things,
hopes all things, endures all things.
Love never fails
Well at least the bible would disagree with some that I've failed. In the end, maybe that is all that matters. Then again, what do I know? In your opinion I'm just some dumb kid that doesn't know anything about what it means to love someone. In your eyes I have yet to see the world, experience real life. You believe I have never watched someone I love die or had to burden any personal hardships or go thru any struggles. Well in your famous words...you do not SEE me, you do not HEAR me. So because of that I suppose you will never know or ever truly understand the depth of what type of man I am, and one day Dad I will be. Then maybe I can hold the title of Superman.
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