Gay For A Day

Every boy grows up to be a man. Whether he grows up to be a "girly man" or a "manly man" or something in between, we can all agree on one thing...that part of growing is finding out who you are and who you aren't. Fair statement right? I'm not going to go off on some ramble about gays or anything like that. Honestly, I could care less if someone is gay. It's not affecting my life. So I say "so what, you're gay, big deal". Of course not everyone sees things the same way I do. Alot of guys are homophobic. I don't really believe that you "turn gay". I think you are born gay or straight. I feel it's not a matter of choice, but a matter of who you are. Your true self. Now with all that out of the way and if you know me at all, you know I'm not gay. I know I like chicks and not d*cks. Now if you feel you may be offended by a little gay humor, I suggest you stop reading at this point. For the rest of you, enjoy.

The following are warning signs that I could be gay. Then reasons why such a thought should be corrected in not only my mind, but the minds of others. At first glance these items appear to be laced with estrogen, but upon deeper reflection, it's sprinkled with just a hint of testosterone in all the right places. Did that last sentence make any sense? Probably not, but I thought it sounded cool and ghetto poetic when I wrote it. Yes, I just made-up the term "ghetto poetic". I'll let you use it if you want, but pay me my royalties - a finders fee for my creation/invention. I know, this post is getting really weird, but sit tight because it's only going to get stranger.

Listening to the song "Like A Virgin" performed live by Madonna, Christina Aguilera and Britney Spears.
Ok so you say only gay men listen to Madonna, Christina Aguilera and Britney Spears songs right? Normally I would agree with you, but not here. Remember the MTV Video Music Awards from a few years back, the one where Madonna and Britney shared a little French kiss on stage? If not, then here is a memory refresher. Yeah, I rest my case on why listening to that song does not make me gay. It makes me remember that hot moment! Nothing gay about two lesbians kissing...well not gay if you are the guy watching it. Of course the arousal was killed when Missy Elliott took the stage to wrap-up the song. Now I have nothing against her. I think she has some catchy ass songs, but come on now, gay or straight, nobody wants to hit that. Sorry. She's like a girl that is one of the guys. The type I would pick to run point in a pickup game of basketball. She could set me up for the alley-oop. Maybe she has mad hoop skills, but let's be real...she's a dude.

Keeping candles and an assortment of red and white wine on hand at all times.
Again, at first you may say that is girly. But wait, that is the point. It gets girls. Ahh, genius. Nothing gay about that right? Think about it. Candles and wine are always romantic. Women like that stuff and it makes them happy. If you can't make her happy, then I can assure you she is not going to want to kiss you or do anything with you. She will be as attracted to you as you are attracted to Missy Elliott. Now whether or not my next statement here is gay or not, I'm just going to come out and say it. I like wine and I like candles. Yeah, that's right. I'll admit it. Although, I like beer and gym socks too, so don't get all homophobic on me now.

My sister is jealous of my eyelashes.
I know, I know. This screams gay, but this is something I can't help. For whatever reason God gave me some full lashes. Puppy dog eyes as my Mom calls them, which that term alone makes me want to vomit, especially coming from my Mother! So my sister jokes that I could do a Maybelline commercial without having mascara on. To make matters worse, when she is around me, she has to compare my eyes to hers. What? We have another sister, go bug her about this stuff, not me. Gay. Gay. Gay.

I've watched chick flicks, without a chick making me watch!
This one is going to be hard for guys to swallow. A chick flick. Women love them. Men hate them. Together we will watch them. Why? To make her happy. See the pattern here? So now you are wondering what is my excuse for watching a chick flick without being pressured into doing so by a woman? Wait, it gets worse. Not just any chick flick, bad chick flicks. Movies like "The Wedding Planner", "Maid In Manhattan" and "Shall We Dance". Think, what do all of those bad chick flicks have in common? That's right - my JLo booty! I don't care if Jennifer Lopez can't act. I'm not watching it for the touching lines. I'm watching it for the droll factor. The girl is hot! And did I mention we are in love with one another? Yes, we are. Translation...watching chick flicks without a chick is gay...watching chick flicks for the sole purpose of staring at the hot actress, not gay.

After writing this post, today I think I will do something extremely manly and as far from gay as I can get. Something like walking around pounding my chest while grunting. It doesn't get more prehistoric caveman than that and women like a little cave in their man, right? Then when nobody is looking, I will go back to my somewhat meterosexual ways of picking out some nice clothes to wear - making the belt match the shoes, ect. Of course, I'm not like that everyday. I have those days were I have picked the shirt up off my bedroom floor and sniffed it to determine if it was wearable or not. Don't even lie! You know you have done the "whiff and wear test" too...well at least every heterosexual man has. I can't speak for women or the gay community.