Fever Induced Hallucinations

You know when you’re sick with the flu and running a fever, how you can sometimes have those out of body experiences, sort of like hallucinations? I’m the puppeteer looking down on myself and pulling the strings. I make myself think, say and do all kinds of things. Things I may not normally think, say or do if I were in a clearer state of mind. Somehow I become Superman. I’m under the misconception that "I’m the man" - the "you can do it David" attitude glows from my chest. I get these brilliant ideas, like today is the day I can choose my new smartphone. You know, today, when my head is pounding so bad I can barely think. When I am hacking up a storm, not to mention snorting and sneezing every 5 seconds. I’m sweating then freezing. My throat is so soar that I can’t swallow, but in a way that’s fine because my stomach is so nauseous that I couldn’t eat even if I wanted to. Everything on my body aches, including my eyelashes. Oh, it’s a perfect day to go out in the cold rain and spread my contaminants in the Verizon Wireless and AT&T’s stores! I bet they loved all the sick boy germs I left behind on their touchscreen phones. I even gross myself out just thinking about it, so I can imagine how grossed out the next consumer in line to demo the phone must feel. And me being the germaphob that I am, it’s rather ironic that I was the one who was eager to get home and scrub my hands from their dirty phones. All the greasy fingerprints from strangers on there was almost enough for me to not want to touch. Who knows where stranger hands have been! But, I didn’t drag my ass out into the rain for nothing. I was determined to at least give the BlackBerry Storm and iPhone 3G a test drive, even if I have to fight thru the remnants of cootie-filled dirty stranger hands.

So what one did I get? Neither. I didn’t even last 10 minutes total in those stores before I was overwhelmed by the sensation of a Mack truck hitting me and needed to perform a faceplant on my couch. I felt as if the devil took a massive dump on me, and if my appearance was anything like I felt, I’m betting I looked like shit too. Of course the bubbly, bouncing blonde AT&T salesgirl didn’t seem to think that. I’m not sure if she was flirting with me or just trying to make commission, either way, I wasn’t interested unless she had the Robitussin label plastered across her chest and a 2 tablespoon plastic cup fixed atop her head. Once back home, faceplanted on my couch, I turn on the TV. And there another brilliant idea enters my head as a watch a short infomercial. I should have flipped the station, but at this point, my finger was too weak to perform the push button exercise. Just the thought of it seemed like it would take an excruciating amount of effort that I clearly did not have in me. Instead, I allowed myself to be talked into how great the SlapChop is. What’s the SlapChop you ask? Only the greatest invention since slice bread! It’s like it was made for me. Marketed to the bachelor who can’t cook. The SlapChop speaks to me and it says..."Buy me David and I will turn you into a chef overnight!" Now is the SlapChop bragging about its skills and making promises it can’t deliver? Probably. More than likely the SlapChop is a big fat liar, but in my fever induced hallucination, it seems like a great little product!

In my fever induced hallucination, I see myself slapping and chopping anything and everything edible in sight. Just the name itself - SlapChop. I like slapping and I like chopping. What guy doesn’t love destruction? It’s so me! The SlapChop is supposed to make your time in the kitchen easier and for someone who can barely boil pasta without f-ing it up, I could use all the help I can get! Of course, realistically I know that if I buy this product it will most likely lay in a drawer never to be used. Or I will go on a SlapChop fruit and veggie killing spree, then not have a clue what to do next. My kitchen, once pristine and never cooked in, will turn into a place where fruit and vegetables go to die. I imagine mounds of chopped apple, diced onion, and various other foods spread across my countertops and me standing there with this dumbfound look upon my face. By the way, dumbfound is often the facial expression I display when I’m within 10 feet of any kitchen. Bottom line, it’s scary in there and as I’ve said before, this is just reason #376 why I need a girlfriend - I can’t cook. Well, I should clarify. I don’t need a girlfriend who can cook, just one who wants to dine out with me a lot will do.

Speaking of this need for a girlfriend and my fever induced hallucinations, someone may want to inform me that I’m driving my love life down a one way, dead end street when I am asking out girls who have boyfriends. Yeah, I’m guilty. It’s a first for me, but you would understand if you knew the details. Besides, she’s very pretty and super sweet. So it’s hard for me not to have wishful thinking - wishful that she will think I’m incredibly awesome and want to dump her boyfriend for me? Yes? No? Well, don’t ruin the ending for me. I want to see how it turns out. Clear minded/realistic thinking David knows that it’s just a platonic dinner date and one will be a gentleman. I will not get my hopes up that I will win her over with my charm. It’s nice to dream, hallucinate, sometimes though.

In Search Of A New Twitter Widget/Badge

I've been using TwitterTag on my blog, but it has been glitchy for awhile now and is currently down. So I need to find a new Twitter widget/badge to display my updates. I'm giving TwitStamp a try, but I'm not crazy about the styling of it. I should just code my own, but I'm feeling lazy. So if anyone has a quick edit for the official Twitter flash widget/badge (seen below), that would be great! I like the Web 2.0 look and scrolling feature that shows a handful of previous updates, but I want to change the colors and make it wider and shorter to fit at the top of my page. If you could help me out, it would be greatly apprecitated. Or if you could point me in the direction of your favorite Twitter widget/badge, please leave me a comment. Thanks!



Now I'm off to drag my sick ass over to Mom's for Christmas Eve festivities. Santa brought me the flu - oh what fun! Have a Merry one and drink heavily.

Is My New Smartphone Choice A Smart Choice?

Time is up. My contract has expired. And now I need to pick a new cell phone...and a new calling plan...and maybe even a new service carrier. I committed myself to Verizon back in December of 2006, and for 2 solid years now, I’ve been faithful. My Razr has been my lover. I fell hard for her the very first night we met, right there in the Verizon Wireless store. The connection was so strong that I took her home that very night. Once we were alone, we became "better acquainted", if you know what I mean. Ever since then, she hasn’t left my side. It’s been a good relationship. I can’t really complain. Sadly though, love fades over time, or at least our love has. It’s normal to grow apart. Sure, parting is such sweet sorrow, but I really think it is best we go our separate ways. It’s just time, don’t you agree? Now don’t look at me like that, with that sad low battery flicker in your eyes. You know how that makes me rush to your side and perform the digital equivalent of CPR - recharge you. I hate when you become weak. Because when you become weak, I become weak, and that just isn’t a good look for me. So let’s be strong about this. Let’s be brave. Let’s do this as quickly and as painlessly as possible, like pulling off a Band-Aid. At first it will sting, but eventually we will look back at our relationship with fond memories. I’m not denying that change isn’t tough and of course some days will hurt more than others, but please put your trust in me. I know what is best. I don’t want to leave you on bitter terms. I want to say goodbye with a happy heart. I want to reminisce and say..."Ahh, the good old mid 90s. Those were the days where my Razr and I were inseparable!" It’s almost 2009 now and goodbye is inevitable.

I’ve never owned a smartphone. I didn’t want to be someone that could be reached 24/7 and I didn’t want the ability to reach out 24/7 either. I may be a tech whore, but that’s too much connectivity and electronic commitment for me. There are times I like to unplug. I like to get lost. I like being M.I.A. I need that separation. I need that downtime. I need "me time", old skool style. Don’t take it personal, it’s just how I am. It’s how I want to be, or rather, how I need to be. Besides, I can see myself being a Crackberry addict and do I really need to adopt another obsessive compulsive disorder? I’m already a neat and clean freak as it is, which is exactly why these new touchscreen phones may be good for me! Perhaps a BlackBerry Storm or an iPhone 3G will help me overcome my overwhelming urge to wipe greasy finger prints away from smudging its beautiful black, glossy surface. The way I see it, I will be exposed to greasy finger prints so much that eventually I will become immune to it, thus learning to accept a smudge here or there...or so I hope. Otherwise, this will only propel my neat and clean freak behavior to a preposterous level!

I’m usually not this indecisive, but for whatever reason, I simply could not decide between getting a BlackBerry Storm or an iPhone 3G. I asked for everyone’s input and even conducted a voting poll on my blog to help me decide between the two. The poll has since closed and the iPhone won by just a small margin. 39 votes for the iPhone and 33 votes for the Storm. I continued to research both smartphones and compare them side by side. And today, I think I’ve finally come to a decision. It’s going to be the BlackBerry Storm. I know, I know, boo hiss. Many of you believe this is the wrong choice and want to throw your shoe at me in disgust. But before you do that, let me explain why I chose the less sexy Storm over the super sexy iPhone.

I chose my new smartphone much the same way I choose a girlfriend. The way I see it, this phone is going to be with me for the long haul, at least 2 years. So because of that, I can’t go on looks alone. She has to have something on the inside to offer me as well. Date a girl who is really beautiful on the outside, but doesn’t have much to offer other than good looks, and I can assure you the relationship won’t last long. We will maybe date for a couple weeks before the novelty wears off and I find myself looking for something more. This is the type of relationship I see myself having with an iPhone. There’s no denying the iPhone is gorgeous and everyone wants her, but she’s missing some really important things on the inside - like a higher resolution photo camera with flash. And the fact the iPhone doesn’t have video shooting capability shocks me! Even those crappy Virgin Mobile throwaway phones can shoot video! So when I ran down the pros and cons on both smartphones, I’ve come to the conclusion that the BlackBerry Storm would make the better girlfriend for me, feature-wise she just has more to offer. Plus I get $50 off a Storm, whereas with an iPhone, I would need to pay full price and switch to AT&T service whose signal isn’t as strong as Verizon.

I haven’t picked up the BlackBerry Storm yet, so if you feel my choice is a disastrous one, then I want to hear from you. My mind is pretty much made up, but at the same time, it’s still open. I’m sure it won’t be long before I am a self-proclaimed Crackberry addict. I just hate the corporate guy image, the stuffy suit with a BlackBerry in hand. As a CEO, technically I should be that guy, but I’m not. Instead of a shirt and tie, I’m more jeans and Pumas. Although I suppose that’s normal since I run a tech company. We are a lot more kicked back and relaxed than your typical mid-life crisis investment banker. We are young and we like to have fun. So yes, the iPhone fits that image better, but it’s not just about aesthetics, it’s about function. And on that note, the BlackBerry Storm seems to deliver more bang for my buck than the iPhone 3G. Sorry Apple. I’m hoping the 3rd revision of the iPhone will greatly improve upon its predecessors and when that day comes, I will glady purchase one. Until then, I will make sexytime with a BlackBerry Storm.

Related posts of interest...
6/11/08 - I Wanna Make Sexy Time With An iPhone 3G
9/7/07 - I...Must...Resist...The Urrrge!
1/10/07 - Contemplating Cheating, With The iPhone

Dear Santa (Part 3 of 3)

Yesterday at work, I stared at Winamp scrolling by in my taskbar for what seemed like 20 minutes. That’s 20 minutes of my life I wasted and will never get back.

Winamp [Stopped] *** 22. Track 22 - Winamp [Stopped] *** 22. Track 22

It repeated itself over and over again. No sound, only text. I sat there, just staring at it. Mesmerized by it. My eyes finally grew tired and dropped down a little, to where I began fixating on the Dell logo that is stamped just below my laptop screen. The slanted silver E. I don’t know if you would say I was in deep thought or just zoning out. I just know I’m beyond confused and for the life of me I can’t figure it out. No sign. No nothing. Or maybe I’m blind, oblivious or just didn’t want to see it...let alone believe it. I don’t get it. I. Just. Don’t. Get. It. I wish someone would explain it to me because I can’t make sense of it. And I hate myself for opening up to vulnerably a second time around. I think I need to take on a new mindset. Think little of people you encounter in life and you will never be left hurt or disappointed. It’s safe. And from the guy who is all for taking risks, I boldly declare - safe is good. If you are scratching your head and wondering what in the world I am talking about, don’t lose any sleep over it. I’m being vague for a reason, because I don’t want to get into it, but I needed to let a little out of me before it consumes my brain. Writing keeps me sane in an often insane world.

Here’s a little "did you know" fact. I hate Christmas. This time of year depresses me and I can’t wait for this holiday to come and go so this can end. I haven’t put up a tree. I haven’t hung any lights. I haven’t done any holiday decorating or sent out a single card. I haven't wished anyone happy holidays. And I haven’t even bought a single present, nor given any thought to what I would even give! And yes, I realize Christmas is just barely over a week away. Don’t remind me. I guess it’s safe to say that I just don’t care. I know that sounds horrible and cold…and well, whatever. I don’t mean to sound like a Grinch or a Scrooge, because it’s not really like that. It’s just not the same anymore. Christmas doesn’t hold any meaning for me. It’s nothing like it was when I was a kid. Of course we all have to grow up and I’m fine with that. It’s just that there isn’t an ounce of Christmas spirit in me. Not an ounce of joy. There just isn’t. For me, the Merry has somehow been separated from Christmas over the years. I don’t even try to be fake happy this time of year because it’s just too much effort and completely pointless in the end.

I know I’m not alone in feeling like this because other people have expressed similar feelings in the past. However, for many of them, their comforting words are..."Once you have kids, Christmas will be fun again." Well guess what? I don’t want any kids anytime soon! So any other suggestions? Is it too late for me to turn Jewish? That’s one way to beat celebrating Christmas.

And I know I wrote these warm, cuddly, feel-good posts titled Dear Santa (Part 1 of 3) and Dear Santa (Part 2 of 3). But keep in mind, those are wishlists. Things I WISH would come true. They are filled with fond memories of a Christmas past and wishes for a Christmas future. They are wishlists. Nothing more and nothing less. Speaking of which, naturally I feel obligated to finish up my wishlist series with the final installment, Dear Santa (Part 3 of 3), even though I don’t want to write it and I’m rambling on just to delay doing so. But a promise is a promise, and I promised. Therefore I’m keeping my promise and delivering. So here is my final submission for the 20SB December Blog Carnival.

My Wishlist Of Things I'd Sneak Under The Tree For Me, Age 13

• Nirvana’s "In Utero" album, it was the follow-up to "Nevermind". I probably requested it on cassette tape because I was stubborn into accepting the transition to CD.
• NBA regulation size all-weather leather basketball. Yes, I was specific even as a kid. This was the time when my passion for skateboarding would begin fading and I would find a new love - shooting hoops.
• Air Jordan shoes! Sadly, I would never own a pair. Although I recently thought about buying a retro pair purely to fulfill that childhood dream that never came true. (Much the same way I did with My Pet Monster.)
• The latest video game in the Mortal Kombat franchise. I played those games so much that I was one of the few that could actually pull off the complicated "Fatality" finishing moves. To this day, I still have the button combos memorized. And even though I would have trouble telling you what buttons to push, put the controller in my hands and my fingers automatically punch it out.
• A puppy. Every year it would be at the top of my wish list, but I would never get one and I had pretty much given up hope. Little did I know that age 13 would finally be the year I would get my first dog, but it wouldn’t happen until months after Christmas morning.

Now a promise to you, my readers. I promise my next post won't be lame and depressing. Also, it's highly unlikely it will be about Christmas. You can breathe a sigh of relief now.

Dear Santa (Part 2 of 3)

This is the follow-up post to 12/13/08 - Dear Santa (Part 1 of 3) and my second submission for 20SB December Blog Carnival. You will notice my Grandmother is part of each of the 5 senses. At age 89 and after a scary past month, I’m realizing (a realization I adamantly denied for quite awhile) that time may be shorter than I hope for and I should cherish whatever amount of time I have left with her. I know that’s cliché sounding, but whatever. I’m not feeling very poetic at the moment and I don’t know how else to word it.

My Wishlist Of 5 Items, One For Each Sense
(Well, more than one for each sense. I got carried away.)

Sight - Seeing my Grandmother’s trademark smile. White holiday lights shining thru a blanket of fresh fallen snow. The Nutcracker Ballet accompanied by a live performing orchestra...I know that sounds odd coming from me, but there is good reason why it brings me immense comfort, relaxation and happiness. Watching classic movies with Dad, like "A Christmas Story" and "Christmas Vacation", we share the same stupid humor. And naturally, presents under my parent’s Christmas tree. Peeking at them makes me feel like a kid again, even if they aren’t all (or any) for me.

Hearing - Ave Maria sang (in Latin) by the church choir. Don’t ask me why and I’m embarrassed to admit it, but that song can practically bring me to tears. It has to be one, if not the, most beautiful sounding songs ever sung. My Grandmother’s stories. I never tire of them and there are still many that I anxiously await. My Mom’s cat purring, reminds me of our family cat growing up who I miss dearly. My 4-year-old niece’s boisterous giggle, it’s contagious. I also like it when she tells me she loves me, completely out of the blue. How someone only 3 feet tall can melt my heart is pretty remarkable.

Touch - My Grandmother’s hands, they feel like paper. It’s rather ironic that she’s a gifted writer and words seem to fall from those very hands when a pen is slipped between her fingers. Throwing my niece into the air and catching her. A hug from Mom, nothing compares. Getting my finger pricked by the pine needles on the Christmas tree. The weight of my dog's chin resting upon my shoulder. Holding hands with a girl I’m falling in love with.

Taste - Red wine with Christmas Eve h'orderves that follow after midnight mass. My Grandmother’s homemade vegetable soup, it never fails to warm the soul. Mom sending me home with dinner leftovers to last a week. Licking my fingers after eating an iced sugar cookie Santa, tree or star.

Smell - The scent of a woman. The allure of their perfume mixed with the essence of everything feminine from shampoo, to body lotion, to even their deodorant. I don’t know what it is, but I love it! It makes me so weak to them. The smell of torn wrapping paper and Scotch tape, with an underlying hint of Dad brewing coffee on Christmas morning. The indescribable scent of the house I grew up in it. I don’t know how to describe it, other than not only does it feel like home, it smells like home too. My Grandmother’s perfume. Although I find it sickening sweet and overwhelming, it lets me know she’s near, that she’s still here, and that makes me so happy.

Dear Santa (Part 1 of 3)

As you may or may not be aware, for awhile now I’ve been a part of a blogging network called 20SB (Twenty Something Bloggers). I’ve watched 20SB grow from around 1,000 people when I initially signed up, to over 3,500 current members. Basically, it’s a group of people who can relate to one another because they share two common factors - they are a blogger and they are in their 20s. Now when you sign up, you need to be between 20-29, but the fact of life is that we all age, even in the blogosphere. So even those a bit older are still welcome to stay and hang around on 20SB, despite turning 29 again. Now if you fall into that 20-something age range, you’re a blogger, and you’re interested in hearing even more from my stupid face, you will surely run into me on the 20SB forums. (My stupid mug is even featured on the 20SB badge, see below.) Speaking of the 20SB forums, there is a monthly feature on there called "Blog Carnival". The Blog Carnival is a suggested post topic that you can blog on. If you choose to participate, the link to your post is then featured on 20SB, along with everyone else who participated in the Blog Carnival as well. In the past I’ve never participated (with the exception of 20SB Compliment Week), mostly due to the fact that my personal life often interferes with the amount of time I can devote to writing. However, this time around, I’m making the time for the December Blog Carnival. In fact, if you like this post, I’ll publish the other two parts to it later this week.

So here are the rules...

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December Blog Carnival
It is time for the December Blog Carnival and we want to hear from you!
So, choose your topic and submit your post for the Holiday Carnival by December 21.

You can choose any of the following three topics:

- A wishlist of things you want that are free
- A wishlist of 5 items, one for each sense (that's an item for sight, one for smell, etc)
- A wishlist of things you would sneak under the tree for yourself, age 13

To enter, write a post on the topic and email tipptalk@gmail.com the URL link to your post and the URL link to your 20sb page.

Carnival results will be posted at the end of December!

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With the current economy in the state that it’s in and practically all of my friends becoming newly unemployed, I think we could all benefit from putting together a wishlist of things we want that are completely free. So without further ado, here is my 20SB December Blog Carnival submission of a wishlist of things that don't cost a single cent!

My Wishlist Of Things I Want That Are Free

• I want a girl to write me a cute little heartfelt letter for a change, since it’s always the other way around.
• A hug from my Mom and my sister home for the holidays.
• A piece of art created by my 4-year-old niece, or homemade Christmas cookies molded by her chubby little kid hands.
• On Christmas Eve or even Christmas Day, have someone fall asleep on my chest infront of the fireplace. I would prefer a girl I like a lot, but I would also accept my snoring puppy. Although in a perfect world, I would have both.
• To just be happy.

Related post of interest...
12/21/05 All I Want For Christmas




Visit Twenty Something Bloggers

Vatican Declares Technology Bad For The Soul

I already knew I was going to hell, but just in case I needed yet another reason why I’ll burn for all eternally, this is it. The Vatican has boldly declared that technology is bad for the soul! The Pope has even gone as far to say we may risk losing our souls! Scared, yet? I’m not. Let’s face it, who wants to go to heaven anyway? It’s probably really boring up there with all the goodie-two-shoe people kissing God’s ass and doing all these good deeds. Everyone is probably polite. They say please and thank you, as well as open the pearly gates for you (AKA open doors for you). They probably even compliment and hug you! Who wants that? Nope, I rather go to hell. All the cool people are there, well at least all my friends will be. Down there we will cuss and fist fight. We will insult everyone and call each other out for being gay should an attempted manhug ever take place. We will stab one another in the foot with a pitchfork just for a sick giggle. Yes, evil fun, that is what I want! Now who’s with me?

Pope Benedict has stated that the modern obsession with technology is leaving no time for spiritual nourishment, and subsequently, damaging the soul. He says and I quote..."In the age of the cell phone and the internet, it is probably more difficult than before to protect silence and to nourish the interior dimension of life. There is an interior and spiritual dimension of life that must be guarded and nourished. If it is not, it can become barren to the point of drying up and indeed dying. Today, this is a very grave threat and it is the most irreparable misfortune."

He goes on to state that the current economic crisis goes to show how worthless pursuit of money and success has proven to be and adds technology to this list as an "excess of modern life" - ouch. Interestingly enough, digital Prayer Walls have been set up and the Vatican has sent out text messages with inspirational bible quotes. The Vatican has also begun to modernize some of the contents of their library into an accessible online format. So it seems quite ironic that his message will be spread through the very medium which he has detested, the Internet.

Is it just me or does anyone else think the Pope needs to chillout? Crack a beer, hang with the boys, watch the ball game. Isn’t’ life to short to be all anti-technology? When it comes to the Internet, I have two words for you - free porn! Oops, sorry I forgot. Porn is on your no-no list too (heavy sigh). Well how about you do your thing and I’ll do mine? I’m sorry, but I’m going to get my click on. That’s just how it is. If you’re a priest, a nun, or even Amish, I understand how you can’t relate and may disagree with my need for everything tech. But for the rest of us, we like to surf. We like to point. We like to click. And we sure as hell (pardon my sinful language) like to download. We also like to e-mail, txt, Facebook, blog...you get the idea. It’s who we are, a bunch of cliché geeks. Or in your eyes, a bunch of sinners!

Deny me food, water and even the air I breathe. But whatever you do, don’t deny me my digital fix! It’s my crack cocaine. Without it, my body will surely convulse. This is one of the reasons I don’t go to church anymore, because I have yet to find a religion that embraces the tech whore within me. Well that and the fact that I can’t get up that early on a Sunday morning after a Saturday night filled with debauchery where I engage in binge drinking, sexual pleasures, and other unmentionable activity. Yeah, my body might instantly burst into flames if I step foot into a church or temple. So instead, I think I’ll just spend my late Sunday mornings hungover on my laptop.

See you in hell!

Competition Makes You Better. Failure Makes You Wiser.

I can honestly tell you that I am a better man because of my failures as opposed to my successes. As much as I hate to lose and as much as I fear failure, I’ve learned so much about myself, the people around me and the world in general from the ugliest word in the English language - failure. It has made me stronger. It has made me better. It has made me wise beyond my years. Like I always say...when you know better, you’ll do better. And because of past failures, today I am doing well. So thank you failure. Thank you for overwhelming me with fear when I am succeeding and then overpowering me with strength when I stumble and fall. You are that constant negative voice in my head that I find myself being forced to push thru on a daily basis. I despise you, therefore I fight you. But yet, I love you. Truth be told, I need you there. I need you to lurk in the murky shadows. I need you to be ever present in the corners of my mind, the place where I lose focus and I refuse to admit I feel my most vulnerable. I need you to cut me down to size so I can rise above and prove you wrong. I build myself back up just to defy you. The ugliness that defines you is that which beautifies me. That is a gift that no one but you could ever instill upon me, or rather within me. Without failure, I don’t know where I would be today. And I don’t know who I would be. I just know I would not be me.

Photographed above is General Motors CEO Rick Wagoner (asking $18 billion), Chrysler CEO Robert Nardelli (asking $7 billion), and Ford CEO Alan Mulally (asking $8 billion). Just writing out their names makes me angry. I’ve never wanted to bitch slap three men so hard before in my life! They make me sick! And the only thing that would make me feel sicker is if the US government hands them a single penny! I truly think I will vomit if it comes to that. Negotiating talks of yet another bailout/handout? You’ve got to be fucking kidding me! Who couldn’t see this coming though? As much as I hated the idea of the government bailing out Wall Street, I could understand it. Don’t get me wrong, it still infuriates me that I have to pay for the massive screw up made by greedy bankers and dumb, overindulgent people who signed for subprime mortgages they couldn’t afford. If you are one of the people involved on either side, a banker of foreclosed home owner, I’m happy you are jobless or homeless. It’s what you deserve and you need to learn your lesson, apparently the hard way. You shouldn’t expect the rest of the world to pay for YOUR mistakes in life, but yet that is exactly what it has come to. And thanks to the United States Government, we are sending America exactly that message!

This is becoming the new motto of America. If you’re an American like me, this should make you feel incredibly embarrassed and ashamed. The writing was on the wall. You just knew everyone was going to get in line for a freebie after you signed a check to Wall Street for $700 billion! Hey, why not get in line? Americans no longer have to be held accountable for anything. Just go thru life making a mess and then ask the government to clean it up - brilliant! We no longer even have to point fingers and play the blame game. We just apply a multi-billion dollar Band-Aid and it’s all better, right?

Let’s get some facts straight here. This is NOT a rescue plan and this is NOT a loan. This is a "I don’t want to be held responsible for my own fuck-ups, so here, you fix it for me. Throw money at the problem, money I did not earn nor deserve. Yes, throw money at the problem that I am fully responsible for creating in the first place, but yet I want you to be liable for digging me out of the grave I’ve dug for myself." So because you are an American company, the American auto industry, we "owe" it to you as Americans to help you out? Fuck you. That is by far the most ignorant and blatantly arrogant statement ever! The world does not owe you anything. If anything, you owe the world an apology for selling such shitty cars! I don’t care if you are an American based business or not. Business is business and the name of the game is competition. And if you can’t hang with the big boys, compete and hold your own, get out of the game! It’s as simple as that. If we are going twist some patriotic bullshit into the mix, then how about helping my company out too? How about throwing me a couple billion? I’m an American business and I’m a CEO. Don’t I deserve a handout as well? What about the pizza joint down the block and all the Mom & Pop shops? They should get in line too, right?

I’m sorry, but none of this happened overnight. The crippling housing market, the credit card crunch, banks declaring bankruptcy and the nearly non-existent sales numbers from the American auto industry. Nobody woke up one morning and said..."Uh oh, there’s a problem. Perhaps I should work on finding a solution today before it gets any worse." No, they all left it go. They weren’t proactive. I can say that because if they were proactive, they would have giving the foreign auto manufacturers a run for their money by being stiffer competition. Just look at the statistics if you need proof. Detroit autos are piling up on dealer lots, while foreign cars are snapped up! Honda, BMW and Toyota cars stay on dealership lots for just 20-30 days before being sold. GM, Ford and Chrysler cars stay on dealership lots from 80-120 days, that’s upwards of 4 months before being sold! So while foreign car manufactures are moving their cars in under a month, it takes the American auto industry 4 times as long to sell a car. That says a lot right there! Not to mention that in recent years, Toyota sales have tripled! Wouldn't it be wise to study what Toyota is doing since they are leading the field? They are the #1 competition. There is a reason imports are outselling domestics. They are just better cars. It’s obvious the majority of Americans agree with that statement or else there wouldn’t be more imports than domestics on the road. And have you ever looked up the Blue Book resale value of an import in comparison to a domestic? Imports have always had a much higher resale value. Buying a new car that will hold its value is major selling point for many consumers and that is one of the many reasons why they are choosing cars like the Honda Civic.

So what were the American auto makers doing while sales were slipping? Nothing! They didn’t make the necessary changes needed to be competitive again. Basically, they did nothing to help themselves because that is no longer the American way. The new method of recourse is to let it go to shit, let it fall to the point of no return and then seek emergency help - a US government bailout/handout. The fall of the America auto industry has been ongoing. This occurred over a period of years, a decade or more in some cases. It infuriates me how the big three companies can sit on their hands all that time and then have the nerve to ask for a handout! Not studying your competitors and not making significant improvements to help your business grow and prosper is the recipe for disaster. It is also the #1 reason why GM, Ford and Chrysler are in this predicament. It’s basic economics here. Supply and demand. They continue to spend money making cars that aren’t selling! Am I the only one doesn’t see the logic there? As CEO, you are responsible for where your company’s money is distributed. You have the ability to see where every cent is spent. A smart CEO pays attention to this and adjusts spending habits to help maximize profits. If you fail to understand this basic concept, then you should not be running a company, especially billion dollar businesses like GM, Ford and Chrysler. Basically, you should be fired for your incompetence. Hey, here's an idea I would like to throw out to the GM, Ford and Chrysler CEOs. Don’t make more of something when your current supply isn’t even selling. Even a 5-year-old running a lemonade stand can grasp this concept, but GM, Ford and Chrysler cannot.

Perhaps the reason I feel so strongly about this is because unlike the issue of gay marriage and my rant on Prop 8 being passed, I can truly relate to the corporate world – what it’s like to run a business and more importantly, what your responsibilities are as the CEO. I know what I’m talking about because not only am I a car nut, I’m also the Founder and CEO of my own company. So I understand what it takes to not only survive in business, but also being highly competitive and rise to the top in your field. As the "head guy", sometimes you need to make sacrifices, both financially and personally to better you company. This type of unselfishness clearly isn’t displayed by any of the CEOs from GM, Ford or Chrysler. For evidence of that, look no further than their corporate jets. They flew to the nation's capital in private luxurious jets to plead their case that the American auto industry is running out of cash and needs $33 billion in taxpayer money to avoid bankruptcy. Interesting. They are whining about going out of business without a bailout, yet that has not stopped them from traveling in style, not even First Class is good enough. And you wonder why I want to bitch slap them? If you are a taxpayer, basically they are slapping you in the face with their total disregard and disrespect to who is being asked to foot their bill. (I do realize they drove one of their own company cars to the next hearing. Oh, how touching. Believe me, had they not been publically ridiculed the first time around for flying via private jet, not a single one of them would have driven. And they probably muttered under their breath the whole way about how they wish they could have taken their prized Benz instead of this American hunk of junk.)

GM CEO Rick Wagoner's private jet trip to Washington cost his ailing company an estimated $20,000 roundtrip. In comparison, seats on Northwest Airlines flight from Detroit to Washington were going online for $288 coach and $837 first class. Ford CEO Alan Mulally's corporate jet, which he flies home on every weekend, is a perk included for both he and his wife as part of his employment contract along with a $28 million salary. AIG, despite their recent $150 billion bailout, STILL operates a fleet of corporate jets. If the American auto industry receives a government bailout, you can expect the same type of arrogant, selfish behavior to be displayed by their CEOs as well. And while Ford’s CEO had the balls to lay off 51,000 employees, he has yet to give up his jet. Don’t expect any of the big three CEOs to take a pay cut themselves or give up their private jets. That would be crazy talk! I could go on with these disgusting numbers and examples of their outrageous behavior, but you get the idea.

So these CEOs are struggling, huh? Rrright. Struggling is taking the bus instead of your private jet to work. Struggling is trying to survive on a $30,000 factory worker salary as opposed to your near $30 million CEO salary. Struggling is eating Ramen noodles instead of steak and lobster dinners. Actually, struggling is not being able to even afford to eat a pack of Ramen noodles (that was me in college). That is struggling. And that is what it is called sacrifice. Yes, sacrifice. Wagoner, Nardelli and Mulally may want to look up that word in a dictionary because I’m certain they don’t know the meaning of it. If they did understand what sacrifice is and they loved their companies as much as they say they do, then they would start making personal and financial sacrifices to save their beloved businesses. How about start by slashing your salary from $30 million to $1 million (which would still be more than 33 times what your average employee makes)? Or how about selling that corporate jet of yours? That alone would be a savings of about $100 million right there. Just think how many factory jobs you could save then. But that’s right, you don’t give a crap about your workers, because if you did, you would make some small sacrifices of your own before cutting your workforce and asking taxpayers to line your pockets. I understand that $30 million here or $100 million there is a small drop in the bucket when you compare it to the billions of dollars in debt they are. Still, it would be a starting point. And if nothing else, it shows you are willing to do your part to dig out of the mess you created, as opposed to what you are doing now, which is continuing to living large and asking for a handout. Surely you can now understand why many Americans are disgusted.

If I was sitting across from these three CEOs asking to approve their "bailout loan", as they like to refer to it, I think I would handle it car salesman-style. I would nod my head politely, pretending to listen and give a shit what they had to say. Then I would wait for them to finish their argument as to why they feel they should get this deal. With a smile I would reply with..."I’ve taken into consideration all your valid points and I believe we have a deal. Now perhaps our figures are a bit off from one another, but I think you will see what I am proposing is rather fair." I would then jot down the number on a slip of paper and slide it quietly across the table to them. On the paper – a giant $0. Nothing. Nota. Zero. Zip. Zelich. That is what they deserve.

Competition is healthy and losing is a part of life. It can and will happen, that is a guarantee. And the earlier in life you grasp that concept, I feel the easier you will be able to adjust and adapt when life doesn’t go your way and you don’t come out on top. That’s life. You win some. You lose some. Life is intended to be that way to help you appreciate what you have and to help you grow after what you had is lost. You don’t have to like losing, but you do need to accept it, especially when you are the biggest contributing factor to the loss. You need to stumble and fall in life. Sometimes you even need to crash and burn before you learn your lesson. We learn from our mistakes. We grow from them. If we apply a $33 billion Band-Aid and make the problem go away (temporarily), where is the lesson learned? They will either fail to live up to their end of the "going green" agreement or will simply be back in a few months asking for another handout.

If the US government gives them this money, they aren’t saving the American auto industry. They will just be prolonging their inevitable death. Mark my words. And if I’m wrong, then I’ll be the first to eat those words. You have my promise on that. I will apologize and I will admit, you were right and I was wrong. However, I’m willing to bet that won’t ever happen so I have little to worry about. I don’t make a promise I can’t keep and I don’t make a wager unless I’m fully confident I can win.

I’m sorry for those GM, Ford and Chrysler workers who have lost their jobs or are about to lose their jobs. I do feel for you. However in just last month alone, more than half a million people lost their jobs, the most since the 1974, before most of my readers (including myself) were even born! So layoffs aren’t just affecting the American auto industry. And to say the government should "save" those jobs and not fight to save the jobs of people in other fields just isn’t right. Let's be realistic here. Times are tough for everyone as our country is in a recession, but throwing money at the struggling/dying American auto industry isn’t going to stimulate the economy. It does teach irresponsibility though. It does coddle and reward people for making a mess and then asking others to clean it up. What kind of message are we sending if we continue to bail everyone out? It’s time to grow up. It’s time to draw the line. It needs to end here. Please, it’s time to just say no. There are plenty of other car manufacturers to choose from - better, more reliable, longer lasting, more fuel efficient, eco-friendly vehicles available. Nobody is going to be reduced to horse and buggy. If, or rather when, the American auto industry dies off, life will go on.

Related post of interest...
10/1/08 - The Great Depression v2.0

Get New Posts Delivered Straight To Your Inbox

Ever since the day I started my blog, there have been two ways you could read my posts – either directly thru diamondkt.blogspot.com or via RSS feed in Google Reader or a similar program. That’s all well and good, but recently it has been brought to my attention by several of my readers that my blog is being blocked at their workplace. Now that’s a bummer. I am guilty of the occasional potty mouth and there may have been one or two occasions in the past that I’ve linked to some "questionable content", but I’ve never done so without giving the standard NSFW (Not Suitable For Work) warning. That way you could decide to forgo clicking on it, or to proceed at your own risk. Above it all, I always strive to keep my blog PG-13, for the simple fact that I know many people read it at work and I would like them to be able to continue to do so. However, many offices have their firewall set up to block certain websites or filter out certain types of content, and apparently for some, my blog seems to be fall into that category. Fortunately, I’ve come up with a perfectly legal solution to override these restrictions, a workaround of sorts.

I’ve decided to offer you the option to read my blog via e-mail. Essentially, it’s an e-mail list that you subscribe to so that everytime I publish a new post, it’s delivered straight to your inbox. It’s pretty straight forward, so there’s not much to say, except for the fact that this is in the very early stages so if you run into any glitches, please let me know. You will see I added a little sidebar widget on my blog titled "Subscribe to E-Mail List" where you can subscribe. And once you do, a confirmation e-mail will be sent to the address you signed up with asking you to confirm your subscription.

Privacy and security is a must. So your e-mail address will never be distributed or used for any other purpose other than to send you newly published posts from my blog. And of course you can unsubscribe at anytime.

I plan to spice up the sidebar widget so that it’s a little more pleasing to the eye, since right now it’s looks a little ghetto fabulous if I do say so myself. And I should also note, when new posts are published, they are set to arrive in your inbox between 7-9am (EST). That way it’s already waiting for you in your inbox just as you start your workday! Clever, right?

I hope everyone enjoys this new feature and finds it useful. Remember, when your IT guy says..."No, you can’t." I say..."Yes, you can!"

***UPDATE***
It seems there are some glitches to work out, but from what I’ve been able to tell so far, this is on FeedBurner’s end and not mine. Regardless, I'm asking you to help me test this by attempting to subscribe, then filling out this short bug report. Thank you so much!

Send me a report with the following information...

Did it work?
If no, what error message did you receive?
Your Operating System:
Your Browser:

Hold All My Calls, I’m Busy Blogging

This guy is sooo me! If you’re a blogger, you are going to love this short 2 minute video because there is no doubt in my mind that you are going to be able to relate to it. Let me ask you...how many times have you blogged from work? Or even worse, put off doing necessary work, maybe even canceled a meeting, just so you could make more time to blog? Have you refused to answer your phone or reply to e-mail because it would interrupt your blogging train of thought? We are all guilty of it, myself included, some more than others of course. Don’t lie. You’ve done it too. See, that’s why you need to work for yourself like me, to be your own boss. That way you can’t fire yourself for fucking off. You can’t lay yourself off. You can only reprimand yourself. And if you are like me, you probably don’t listen to yourself. So it’s rather pointless when I lecture myself on right and wrong. I’m very aware of the fact that I don’t listen to myself, therefore I've asked other people to dispense the same advice upon me that I would give myself if I actually listened to what I had to say, to myself. Confused yet? I could easily tell myself what I need to do or not do, but since I fail to listen when my internal dialogue begins, I need another party to pound it into my head. For instance, I know a certain girl is no good for me, but yet I can’t resist the overwhelming temptation of her! I know what the right thing to do is, but I need someone else to restate the obvious to me. Bold it. Underline it. Strip off the sugar coating and let me hear it. I don’t know why, but I’ll listen to other people. I just won’t listen to myself.

As bad as it is to f-off at work by blogging, honestly I’ve taken it a step further by actually shoeing away a co-worker who came over to ask me a question while I was so wrapped up in my blogging that I couldn’t be bothered by her. When I told her "I’m busy blogging, come back later", she was both offended and horrified. Of course that was her immediate reaction, until it turned into surprise and laughter. She knows me well and we get along famously so it’s all good.

Co-Worker: "Are you serious?"

Me: "Oh, I’m dead serious. In fact, you’ve just broke my train of thought. So I suggest you skedaddle so I can get back to blogging. Oh and by the way…be a peach and fetch me a Pepsi from the vending machine, will you?"

Co-Worker: She walks away all huffy and says..."You’re a dick."

Me: I call out loudly as she leaves..."You look pretty today." When all else fails, try charm. And then she flips me the bird.

She loves me. She just has an odd way of showing it. But give her time, soon enough she will return with Pepsi in hand and want to sit on the corner of my desk and be all flirty like usual. I’m onto her game. Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to get back to work. Er, I mean I need to start working on my next blog post.

Be Thankful You Aren’t Reading Another Thanksgiving Post

The last thing I wanted to blog about today is what I did on my Thanksgiving vacation or what I am thankful for. How is this...be thankful that you don’t have to read yet another blog post about what someone did on Thanksgiving vacation or what they are thankful for. Refreshing, right? Seriously, aren’t we all tired of reading everyone’s post on that very same subject? Not to shame anyone who has blogged about what they did on their Thanksgiving vacation or what they are thankful for because I’m sure your words warm the soul and stick with your readers for days to come, like a big fat turkey dinner. It’s just that I’m tired of telling the tale. I’m tired of rehashing the events. I spent Thanksgiving in Orange County, California with my sister so I could met my new nephew, but by the time I returned home, I had recapped my trip at least 5 times to various people. So honestly, I’m sick of hearing myself speak. And if I’m sick of hearing myself speak, I’m sure you are EXTRA sick of hearing me speak. So for the sake of my sanity, and your own, I’m remaining a little hush-hush. This shouldn’t be a shock to anyone. I rarely blog about my regular trips to NYC and DC. And if you recall, I began a two-part post about the wedding I attended/vacation I went on over the summer in Aruba, but failed to ever write the second part of it. My "be continued" was never continued. Sorry about that. I also never muttered a word about my birthday celebration in Vegas the other month. Although as you know, what happens in Vegas...

A certain someone, who shall remain nameless (you know who you are), began virtually badgering me via Facebook today because she wanted me to blog about my Thanksgiving holiday, Cali, the new nephew, etc. So to satisfy your request, let me briefly sum it up. I went to California. I held and cuddled a little baby. We ate turkey. How’s that? What, not enough detail? No emotion? Not a very engaging story? Well here’s the thing. Men and women are very different in their story telling. For example, let’s say a guy and a girl both go to Europe for 2 solid weeks. Upon arriving home, a friend asks..."How was your trip?" The girl goes into this long drawn out overly detailed tale starting from the moment she began packing her bag, to arriving at the airport, to boarding the plane, to landing in Paris, to converting her money, to translating the language barrier, to finding a car to take them to the hotel, to entering their room, to blah, blah, blah! You get the idea. It just goes on and on and on! They leave nothing out! However, ask the guy the same question..."How was your trip?" And the guy simply replies with one short sentence - it was cool. Done. Simple. Summarized. Onto the next conversation. So you see, I’m very much that guy. Therefore to answer your question as to how my trip was, my reply is..."It was cool."

I will say that I very much want to upload a photo of me and my new nephew, but I have this thing against posting photos online of anyone under the age of 18. If you had to sift thru some of the things I had to sift thru at work before, you would fully understand why I am very much against seeing a photo of anyone under the age of 18 online. Understand what I’m saying? Good. Now let’s not discuss that topic anymore because it’s revolting to even think about. Instead, to humor those who for some odd reason are actually interested in what I’m thankful for, let me answer that - Beyonce’s ass. You heard me right - Beyonce’s ass. Now THAT is something I can go into great detail about! The bounce. The jiggle. The bang. The perfect apple bottom shape. Her golden glowing skin. Is she a real human being? Seriously, how is one’s skin not only perfectly flawless, but gold and shimmery in color? I assume it’s some type of makeup all over her body? Or maybe she was simply blessed by God and he created her to be smoking hot! It’s his sick giggle, to make all the boys droll over something they can’t have and make all the women secretly despise her because of her incredible beauty. All I gotta say is damn Jay-Z, you better hold onto that girl!

As much as I’ve always loved and praised J-Lo’s ass, Beyonce’s ass has to be right up there. Now Kim Kardashian, although has a great body, her ass is a bit over the top and out of control for my taste. Besides, I can only focus on so many great asses at the same time or else I get ass overload! So for the sake of keeping this post relatively short in length, let’s just focus on Beyonce’s ass for now. Or should I say, let’s focus on her gyrating hips? Oh my God. Dude. Have you seen her repeatedly thrusting her pelvis to the beat in her latest music video "Single Ladies (Put A Ring On It)"? It’s almost like porn to me, well at least that one small clip is. You can’t miss it! It appears roughly 52 seconds into the video (not that I was keeping track or anything) and only lasts for a mere 5 seconds, but what a glorious 5 seconds it is! You just know a girl who can rock her hips like that has to be amazing in bed! Granted the rest of the dance moves are borderline dorky and not exactly sexy, but somehow Beyonce is hot enough that she is able to pull it off and make it look good. She even manages to turn that weird chicken pecking move of hers into something that actually works in the video. Now that is talent! I have to say though, the leotard she is wearing is exactly the same getup my sisters wore back in the mid 80s when I had to suffer thru their jazz recitals. So for me, not so hot.

Now I know what you’re saying. You’re saying..."David, I’m four paragraphs into your post. Does this post even have a point or is it just another one of your Random Ramblings, this time about asses?" Well, yes and no. Or yes and yes? I honestly don’t know where I’m really going with this, but I will share one small tale from my Thanksgiving Day holiday that involved some tail and is related to the Beyonce song I mentioned above. I believe I met the girl who Beyonce wrote this song for, if not, her story is eerily similar! I bumped into her in an LA club this past weekend and we danced to that very song. I’m not going to copy/paste all the lyrics, but here is just a sample.

Up in the club, just broke up
I’m doing my own little thing
Decided to dip but now you wanna trip
Cuz another brother noticed me
I’m up on him, he up on me
Don’t pay him any attention
Cried my tears, three good years
Ya can’t be mad at me
[Chorus]
Cuz if you liked it then you should have put a ring on it
If you liked it then you should have put a ring on it
Don’t be mad once you see that he want it
If you liked it then you should have put a ring on it

Now this girl had dated the dude for 5 years without a ring! Shit or get off the pot, is what I say. Basically she has wasted the better part of her 20s being exclusive with one guy that has no intention of becoming more serious with her. So against my sister’s strong advice not to, I danced with this girl while her ex-boyfriend stood a few feet away literally cracking his knuckles and becoming more and more furious with every little dip and grind. Hey, don’t be mad at me. According to her, she’s newly single. And I’m single too so there’s no crime being committed here. You had your turn and you blew it, so she’s back on the market. Besides, why let it get to you? Worst case scenario is that I hookup with her for the night. That would be ONE night. I live on the other side of the country, so the chances of anything materializing from a couple drinks and some dancing is slim to none.

I understand it pisses you off to watch my hand slide down her lower back and rest on her ass for a few seconds. I get the fact that she is smiling and laughing more with me than she has ever done with you in months, perhaps years! So I get why you are jealous. But if makes you feel any better, as pretty as she is and as nice of an ass she has, she’s not really my type. I don't go for California blondes with big fake boobs. Still, that doesn’t mean we can’t have fun. So lighten up. Maybe it was all the M.M.A. training lately or maybe it was the quantity of alcohol I had consumed, but I wasn’t the least bit intimidated or scared when you had enough and came over to put your hand on me. I politely told you to go fuck yourself. I suppose the bouncers and my sister had both seen enough and didn't want things to escalate. They had asked him to leave and my sister asked me to leave with her. She’s no fun anymore. This new Motherhood has made her lose her sense of adventure and become somewhat overprotective of her little brother.

My sister asks..."There are 100 other pretty girls here you can pick from and you pick the one with the crazy ex standing within 10 feet of her! Why?"

My reply..."She had the best ass out of all 100 of them."

What can I say? I’m hypnotized by a great ass. It's my weakness.

David Is...

At last count, my blog had slightly over 100 RSS feed subscribers and an average of roughly 300 readers that visit my little corner of the web per day. They aren’t wonderful numbers, but they aren’t too shabby for a small time blogger like myself either. Obviously though, not all those people leave comments. Of course normally that’s not a big deal, except for the fact that in the next few days, the comments will need to pour in or else this post will be rather pointless. You see, unlike most days where I write/ramble and maybe 20 people or so leave a comment, that just won’t do today. The reason it won’t do is because I’m not writing the post! You are! You’re job is to complete the sentence, to fill in the blank. You have a blank canvas to work with and it’s open to virtually anything! It can be nice, mean, silly, stupid, sweet, sad, whatever you want. That’s the beauty of it. It’s totally up to you. You write it. I’ll read it.

Stuck? Here are a few examples, but be creative and come up with your own.

David is...
...the father of my unborn baby.
...my gay lover.
...the devil in disguise.
...CrazySexyCool. (thanks 90’s TLC)
...someone I want to beat like a red-headed stepchild.

Hey, what else do you have to do today at work? You planned on f-ing off all day anyways, right? And as we move into the long holiday weekend, why not grab yourself a turkey leg (which reminds me - Happy Thanksgiving!) and love, hate, or poke fun at me some more? You're free to leave more than one "David is..." entry and you can even post anonymous if you choose to, but it is easier for me to follow if you leave some type of name or nickname.

So today I’m asking for your participation. Yes, you. All of you. So this post goes out to my long time followers, the first time visitor, and of course the lurkers - I know you’re out there. Help me write this post. All you have to do is complete this sentence, to fill in the blank.

David is...

Sarah Palin Pardons A Thanksgiving Turkey

That isn’t a joke post title, although I wish it was because this is too unfucking believable! When news of this broke, I thought someone was messing me. "Ha-ha, very funny guys, another Sarah Palin joke. Ok, ok, what is it now?" That is the response I initially had until I saw the video for myself! And it’s not even just the video that cracks me up, it’s the actual news story behind it all. Sarah Palin, the world’s most intelligent woman (read that with total sarcasm) and the woman known for her joy of slaughtering innocent animals, is pardoning a turkey! Are you fucking kidding me? (Please note, I tend to swear a lot when I’m angry or completely in shock. And in this case, I’m completely in shock.) A turkey? A Thanksgiving Day turkey? Pardoning it? Seriously? Wait, let me say it in a complete sentence so the absurdity of it sinks in – Sarah Palin is pardoning a Thanksgiving Day turkey. Wow. Just when I thought Sarah Palin couldn’t leave me dumbfounded anymore, she goes and pulls this stunt!

Anyone paying attention to a single word that idiot is spewing?
Nope, didn’t think so. The farmer trying to slaughter a turkey
in the background is waaay more entertaining!

Alaska Governor Sarah Palin visited a turkey farm in her home town of Wasilla (yeah, I never heard of it either) yesterday to grant the traditional Thanksgiving pardon to one turkey. But as the former Republican vice presidential hopeful took questions from reporters, a farm worker was seen in the background slaughtering other turkeys and feeding the birds into a grinder. Priceless! She can see Russia from her house, but can’t see 5 feet behind her.

Video by KTUU-TV of the governor and the bloody work over her shoulder became an overnight YouTube hit. Holding a Starbucks cup of talka-lota-crapa coffee, Palin said of the outing at Triple D Farms, "Oh, this was neat." Oh my God! What are you five? This was "neat"? I suppose it’s a tad better than her saying neato. It really frightens me that a woman who drops the letter G off of every word in the English language, uses the word "neat" to describe a slaughter farm, and just repeats the same catch phrases over and over again could have been in the White House helping run our country! Horrifying indeed.

What really strikes me about this interview is that she even makes reference to how she is going to have a turkey on the table at her house for Thanksgiving. Ok, so let me get this straight. You are ok with killing a moose, but you save a turkey’s life? And you save one turkey’s life, but you’re ok with killing another turkey and eating it on Thursday? I don’t know, something just doesn’t make sense here. Oh wait, we are talking about Sarah Palin. She NEVER makes sense so I shouldn’t be surprised.

Maybe I’m oversensitive, but if I had the power to pardon a turkey, I would just feel really, really guilty about slaughtering the pardon turkey’s relative right before his very eyes and celebrating his Uncle Tom's dead carcass by smothering him in gravy and eating him just days later! I think in that case, I would have to eat spaghetti for Thanksgiving Day dinner. Noodles don’t get pardoned, right? But since I don't have the power to pardon, I'm going to chow down on a big, fat lifeless bird! Mmm.

By the way, is it just me, or does anyone else think her voice sounds like a turkey gobble grating on your last nerve? Also, who wants to take a guess at whether or not her Burberry scarf was part of that elaborate wardrobe taxpayers ponied up the doe for? My vote is a youbetcha!

Related posts of interest...
10/2/08 - The Palin Interview That Will Make You Cringe
9/18/08 - 45 Minute Palin Hack? I Could Have Knocked It Out In 5

How Changing Your Facebook Dating Status Can Be Deadly

Some people take social networking sites like Facebook and MySpace waaay too seriously! And although I never understood the addiction to social networking sites, others seem to live on there. I’ll login every now and then, but in no way is it the highlight of my life. Although for others, it is their life. In fact, it cost one woman her life! I’m not talking about one of those stay-at-home Mom types that neglects the outside world and daily responsibilities, like taking care of her kids, to live virtually thru cyberspace. You hear about those kinds of people with severe Internet addiction being found hunched over their keyboard dead because he/she forgot to logoff and eat food to sustain life. No, I’m not talking about those freaks. I’m talking about something entirely different and even more unbelievable! I’m talking about a fully-functioning normal woman who made the deadly mistake of changing her Facebook dating status from "married" to "single".

Not long ago news broke about a man being sentenced to life in prison for stabbing his wife to death (on 2/18/08) over a status change she made to her profile on Facebook. Wayne Forrester, age 34, told police he was devastated that his wife Emma, also 34, had changed her online profile to "single" days after he had moved out. Now as I understand it, if a spouse moves out, that’s called a separation. So yes, technically they are still married, but not really "together" - hence the term separated. Now I don’t know if Facebook has a relationship status option to choose from that says "separated", but perhaps she should have choose that since really she’s not single and back on the market...or at least not yet, legally speaking that is. Basically, she’s still a married woman, but I digress.

Apparently the husband drove back to his former home, where his wife was still living, and attacked the mother of two in the early hours as she slept. He stabbed her with a kitchen knife and a meat cleaver. Wayne Forrester, who pled guilty to the killing, was said to be drunk and high on cocaine at the time. The murder was brutal. He beat her, tore out clumps of her hair, and repeatedly stabbed her in the head and neck. Neighbors were woken up by her screams and called police when they found Wayne Forrester sitting outside the house covered in blood. The couple, who had been together for 15 years, had a "volatile" marriage and there were rumors in the past of Wayne Forrester accusing his wife of having an affair.

The day before the murder, he called her parents and complained about his wife's Facebook entry which he said made her look like a fool. He also claims his wife posted messages on an Internet website telling everyone she had left him and was looking to meet other men. In court, Wayne Forrester said he loved Emma and felt totally devastated and humiliated about what she had done to him. So when she changed her Facebook status from "married" to "single", it obviously was the straw that broke the camel’s back.

Killing someone over a Facebook status change? That’s beyond crazy! There was even a story about some nerd virtually killing another nerd’s avatar in an online game because their virtual relationship fell apart. And he was charged with a REAL murder when he killed an avatar! I don’t remember all the details, but it was beyond dorky and ridiculous! So what’s next? I mean seriously, what’s even left? Is it possible for society to outcrazy itself once again? People scare me, they honestly do. There are so many crazies out there that I pretty much don’t trust anyone anymore. And the way they act, or rather act out on the Internet, just ups the crazy factor by at least 85%! Please note, that isn’t a real number. That’s just the level of crazy that I’ve seen with my own eyes. So in no way is that an official percentage of crazy recorded with the Crazy Institute Of Online Crazies. I should also note, if you are reading this post and I don’t know you in "real life", there’s a very good chance I think you’re crazy too. I don’t mean to hurt anyone’s feelings, but I’m just saying...if it walks like a duck and talks like a duck, then it must be crazy.

If She Wasn’t Already Engaged, I’d Marry Her

Every once in awhile a girl will say something that makes me want to jump up and scream YES! I want to thank her, praise her, even applaud her for being bold and just putting it out there. Speaking her mind. Telling it like it is. Short, simple and sweet. Or in this case...short, simple and a bit crude. If you’ve been reading my blog for awhile now, you probably have noticed that I like brutal honesty. I appreciate it. I admire. And most of all, I’m grateful when someone is brutally honest. Sure brutal honesty may sting from time to time, but it’s also refreshing. It’s refreshingly honest and what’s better than that?

With the crappy economy forcing all of us to rethink our spending habits, the word "save" has been on everyone’s mind! But when it comes to holidays (like birthdays, anniversaries, Christmas, etc.), we feel bad about cutting out the gift giving. And unfortunately, if you are over the age of 10 and not very creative, then handmade gifts are nearly impossible to pull off. But don’t fret. All hope is not lost, especially if you are a girl looking to give your guy a little something special. Now if you are a guy looking to give a girl something special, bling is still in stlye, as well as romance. Combine the two and you’re as good as platinum! Of course the guys will still need to open up their wallet, but there is good news for the ladies - you don’t have to spend a dime to make your guy feel like a king! Take this e-mail below as an example, it’s just a portion of it, but you’ll get the idea.

"We’ve been saving this last year for a house so we are applying the things we’ve learned about cutting back on spending to the way we spend today because of all the uncertainty. For instance, instead of spending money on a birthday gift for my fiancé, I told him his present was the "the best 2 hours of his life". I gave him a full body massage and got him all oiled up then drew a hot bubble bath with candles and basically went at him. He loved it! Besides, guys don’t want watches or cologne. They want to get laid in every way possible for as long as possible. So we just skipped the wallet bleeding aspect of gift giving and he said he had the best birthday ever. Success!" – name withheld

A truer statement has never been made! Seriously, if this girl wasn’t already engaged, I would drop down on one knee right now. Scratch that. I would drop down on BOTH knees right now and marry her. She should write an advice column for women on what men REALLY want and how to deliver. So for my future sweetie this upcoming holiday season, please take heed of this advice. I promise I’ll love you for it.

Girls just don’t pamper guys enough and it kind of sucks, if I can be brutally honest myself. It’s not just the sex. It’s more than that. It’s the effort. It’s the thought. It’s the time she took to put into giving me something I REALLY wanted, not something Macy’s department store told her I wanted. It’s even the surprise of it. And can I be brave here and say it’s even the romance? Yes, it’s true. I love the little note left for me on a foggy bathroom mirror. There’s a misconception out there that says romance is for women, but for a few select men, we want it too. And I am one of them. I don’t think that’s unmasculine to admit. If anything, it should be seen as masculine, that I’m secure enough with my own sexuality that I’m not embarrassed or ashamed to admit that I like being swooned. It feels good. It’s as simple as that.

The thing is that even though some men may secretly want it, we don’t openly admit it. And we certainly don’t ask for it! Most men just don’t expect a woman to go all out for him. It’s seems it’s almost unheard of and it rarely occurs, or at least in my experience, it’s rarely occurred for me. It makes me a little sad, but it’s something I’ve grown to accept. Hey, I’m all for spoiling a girl. In fact, I love doing so! But sometimes it’s nice to get spoiled a little in return. You know what I mean guys.

Obama Won’t Hire You If You’ve Ever Been Online

Brace yourself for this one. What you are about to read will seem incredibly shocking and absolutely ridiculous at first, but as you continue to read on, you’ll understand why it’s going to be virtually impossible for Barack Obama to ever hire you for any position in his office, including cleaning lady! You say you’re willing to work your way up to the top. That you’ve gone to the best schools, obtained the highest grades, and had countless job offers to work on Wall Street and overseas. You say that you’ve polished up your resume, put together an impressive reference list, and your credentials are impeccable! You’re a hard worker. A true go-getter. A visionary. All of this and more is true and you say that you are even willing to fetch coffee and photocopy documents, without pay, if that’s what it takes to get your foot in the door of the White House. You are determined and you are persistent, but sadly, that won’t matter here. So you want to work for Obama, huh? Well Gen-X and Gen-Y need not apply. Here’s why...

The application for jobs in the Obama administration is, without a doubt, the most "complex" (that is nice talk for "ridiculous") piece of work I have ever seen. If I ever intend to work in politics, I have just killed my career before it has even started by writing this very post. In fact, I killed my future political career sometime back in high school when I logged on to the Internet for the very first time...or as we called the Internet back in the day, AOL. I’ll explain what I mean in a minute. But first, let’s put aside all my teenage hacker run-ins with a certain Fortune 500 company, who will remain nameless. And let’s put aside the fact that I just barely escaped being brought up on charges with the FBI and other law enforcement agencies for my "curiosity" of a certain network and its inner workings. So let’s put aside all of that and just look at what makes me no different than you. I’m online. You’re online. I’ve left a digital trace. You’ve left a digital trace. Let me give you some examples that a prospective Obama employee is asked to answer. These come straight from the intrusive and extensive list of queries the Obama Transition Team has put together, which expands over 7-pages and 63-questions in length! It’s a revealing glimpse into the Obama team's determination not to repeat the mistakes of its predecessors, as well as the new era on which he will lead.

"If you have ever sent an electronic communication, including but not limited to an email, text message or instant message, that could suggest a conflict of interest or be a possible source of embarrassment to you, your family, or the President-elect if it were made public, please describe."
Uh, duh, of course. What other good kind of e-mail, txt or IM is there to send that isn't embarrassing in some way?

"Please provide the URL address of any websites that feature you in either a personal or professional capacity (e.g. Facebook, My Space, etc.)"
Good God! Where should I even begin and how many lines are you providing to write all these web addresses out?

"If you keep or have ever kept a diary that contains anything that could suggest a conflict of interest or be a possible source of embarrassment to you, your family, or the President-Elect if it were made public, please describe."
Umm, like this blog you are reading? Guilty.

And my personal favorite:
"Please list, and, if readily available, provide a copy of each book, article, column, or publication (including but not limited to any posts or comments on blogs or other websites) you have authored, individually or with others. Please list all aliases or 'handles' you have used to communicate on the internet."
Ah fuck it. I can't even comment on this!

If your mind is reeling right now, you’re not alone. As tech-savvy as Obama's campaign was, his new transition team is not. Maybe the balding middle-aged executives they're hiring into senior positions in the administration have never used electronic communication, but for anyone under the age of 35, this application is a nightmare! What packrat can track down every blog post and blog comment they've ever written? Many people our age have run blogs since they were kids! So from the past 20 years or so, we are expected to go dig up Facebook photos, blog comments, text messages, and old emails we exchanged even with our sweet Nana? We have an electronic paper trail following us everywhere we go, something today's politicians obviously don’t seem to understand the extent of. We can’t just go collect it like it’s a pile of change that fell off the bedroom dresser. This task is a little more complicated than that. It’s pretty much an impossible feat even for the likes of 007, let alone your average Joe. This is basically like looking for a needle in a haystack, or rather lots of needles spread out across the field-filled state of Texas!

Who has even thought about how to deal with this? Seriously. Just imagine the future 50th President of the United States. Right now, he is probably some random, backward-baseball-cap-wearing, class-ditching, hard-partying frat boy. He’s posting drunk pictures of himself on Facebook and writing on his friends' walls about tomorrow's barcrawl, oblivious to the fact that modern technology means that this will all resurface when he runs for office later in life. My point is, this application doesn’t even work for 2008, let alone 2020. By then EVERYONE, young and old, will have a digital footprint that stretches back into cyberspace for years and years. That is, unless the federal government's HR department wants to drive themselves insane.

Good luck to anyone crazy enough to apply! Personally, if I had that application before me, I would have ripped up the paper after reading the very first question. There’s just nooo waaay in hell this guy would ever hire me. And I’m willing to bet there is nooo waaay in hell he is ever going to hire you either. The truth hurts, doesn’t it?

Say Bye To His Crackberry? If Obama Has To, Yes He Can

***UPDATE***
This post is being featured on the front-page of BrazenCareerist.com
It's my 4th appearence in the last month.

The man whose entire presidential campaign was based on the word, "change", is discovering that before he attempts at changing the country, he will have to change himself. President-Elect Barack Obama will be sworn into office on January 20, 2009 and on that day, he will dread hearing these seven words..."Sorry, Mr. President. Please surrender your BlackBerry." And before he officially accepts his presidency, he will have to sync his wireless session for one last time, until 2012 at least. Unlike John McCain who openly admitted he doesn't spend much time with computing devices, saying he relies on his wife's help with computers, Obama is a tech geek! And like most men, he likes his gadgets. In fact, he says he is addicted to e-mailing and texting on his Crackberry, AKA BlackBerry. Now I’m not a Crackberry addict/user myself, although I might be in roughly 30 days when I upgrade my Razr cell phone and make the difficult decision between going with the new BlackBerry Storm or the sexy iPhone 3G. Regardless, I still understand the trauma he must be going thru, imagine the withdrawal symptoms! They don't nickname it the "Crackberry" for nothing. It's like crack cocaine. Just one hit, one touch of it's sleek electronic goodness, and you're addicted for life!

Like many professionals, for years, the device is rarely from his side. It’s usually fastened to his belt, like a gunslinger he can whip it out and fire off an e-mail like nobody’s business. Even the night he was elected, he was sending out e-mails and txts thanking those who sent their congratulatory messages via the digital world. So why does the next president have to turn over his Crackberry? Well security reasons of course. Email privacy concerns is not the only security issues in question for Obama though. He also has to be in line with the Presidential Records Act that forces his correspondence to be placed on official record for review by the public and also subjects anything he does to the threat of subpoenas. There has yet to be a decision made as to whether or not Obama will be the first emailing president, but his aides are guessing that it is not very likely.

Obama has been described as a tech-savvy president, mostly because of the extensive use of technology during his presidential campaign. And it appeared that he was taking steps to bring at least some of that technology with him into the White House. For example, Obama wants to have a laptop computer on his desk in the White House. If that is achieved, he would be the first American president to accomplish this feat. It is reported that Obama has yet to send a goodbye message from his personal e-mail account, which has not changed in years, but those he communicates with say that the frequency in which they receive his messages has declined. In recent days, he has been photographed communicating via his BlackBerry, which shows he is enjoying his last days with the device (insert sad smiley face here). There is no doubt that giving up this habit and communication path will be difficult. And don't look for BlackBerry to patent a special edition BarackBerry phone anytime soon.

Honestly, I’m sort of scared to go the smartphone route because I know me and I know I’ll become addicted! When it comes to my job, I’m connected to the digital world enough. So do I really want to be connected 24/7? Will I become one of those freaks that sleeps with their Crackberry under their pillow? (cough:Cristin:cough) Or will I be strong enough to unplug, or rather leave the wireless devices at home, when I hit the slopes this snowboard season? In the past, I’ve always been good at turning my cell phone off when I needed that down time - like on a date, a family gathering, while snowboarding, a weekend getaway, etc. Although I see that changing should I get a smartphone. I see myself becoming weak, unable to say no and giving into its temptation. I imagine it giving me a sexy come hither look, drawing me into sending just one more e-mail, just one more text, surf just one more website. Damn you technology. I wish I could quit you.

So President Obama (I like the sound of that), if you can give up your Crackberry, you’re a far better man than me. I admire your strength in doing so. You’re "yes I can" attitude. But let me just say, that when you are alone in the White House and it’s late at night and you miss the touch of your Crackberry lover, it’s ok to weep. It’s ok to morn this lost. Afterall, it’s a HUGE lose! Whether you look at this as a breakup or a death, both are equally devastating to endure. There’s no shame in crying. It’s a healthy release. So you do what you need to do. Nobody needs to even know. When you ask a man to give up his most beloved tech gadget, you might as well ask him to chop off his penis as well! Yes, a dramatic comparison, but I believe Obama and I feel that strongly about our love for everything technology related. In short, I feel your pain, bro. I feel your pain.

***NOTE***
I need help choosing a new phone and since I'm torn between the iPhone 3G and the BlackBerry Storm, I need your help! So check out the voting poll on my sidebar and cast your vote for what phone I should get.

Enough With This "First Ever Pregnant Man" Crap!

Unless you’ve been living under a rock for the last year, you’ve heard of the so-called "First Ever Pregnant Man". Can I just say this...not only is he NOT a real/true man, he is also NOT the first transgender to become pregnant. He/she? Or should I refer to him/her as shim? I don’t know, but let’s call "it" a "he" for argument sake. Anyway, he is not a pregnant man and his story isn’t some miracle. I wish the media, like Oprah and old Babs, would stop feeding into this because it’s just hype. And this couple just wants the public’s attention. Can you say media whore? And if you ask me, they’ve had more than their fair share of 15 minutes of fame. Their story has once again resurfaced thanks to his second gender-bender pregnancy. Thomas Beatie is the 34-year-old so-called pregnant man. He was a former swimsuit model as a female and a pretty damn good looking one too. Today however, he has traded in his boobies for a beard. What a shame.

I’m not going to lie. I don’t understand transgenders, transsexuals or even Transformers. I get the whole gay and lesbian thing because that is just being attracted to the same sex. But transgenders and transsexuals, all this sex swapping confuses the hell out of me! They can’t decide if they are a boy, a girl, heterosexual, homosexual, bi-sexual, what! They can’t decide because they can’t even identify themselves so how are we supposed to identify/understand them? Speaking of bi-sexuals, isn’t that just a label to throw on yourself when you can’t make up your mind at the candy store so you say you want it all? Isn’t that like being greedy? You have to pick a flavor, damn it. And asexuals, what’s up with them? I think they are just too picky! You don’t want any sex? From anyone? Really? That my mind can’t fathom!

I've seen the so-called pregnant man before and although I may be a bit frightened, I’m not impressed at all. For starters, he has a uterus. Last time I checked, a uterus is not so man-like. Basically, he's a woman who is just taking some hormone pills. If anything, it's rather stupid that people are referring to him as a pregnant man. He's a chick with a beard. That’s it and that’s all. No magic here folks. Tell Barbra Walters to give you your money back because you are not witness to a freak show. Like I said before, he's not even the first pregnant woman who is living like a man. He’s just the first one to go public about his pregnancy. So really, he's not "the first" of anything.

After the birth of their first child, the couple is once again going public with news of their second pregnancy. And just like before, the media is gobbling up interviews and spreading the story like wildfire! Why? I have no idea. Maybe because everyone loves a circus sideshow? And here is something to ponder...if the pregnant man is technically a woman just living as a man and married to another woman (a real/true woman), does this mean he’s gay? And if they are in fact a lesbian couple, which technically they seem to be, are they even legally married? Sorry, don’t mean to bring up the whole Prop 8 rant of mine, but one has to wonder these odd questions in odd circumstances.

You know it’s one of my favorite topics. So as Salt-N-Pepa once sang..."Let’s talk about sex, baby." Chime in on your thoughts about the pregnant man and all the questions I proposed surrounding him/her, shim. I'm dying to be enlightened!