A certain someone, who shall remain nameless (you know who you are), began virtually badgering me via Facebook today because she wanted me to blog about my Thanksgiving holiday, Cali, the new nephew, etc. So to satisfy your request, let me briefly sum it up. I went to California. I held and cuddled a little baby. We ate turkey. How’s that? What, not enough detail? No emotion? Not a very engaging story? Well here’s the thing. Men and women are very different in their story telling. For example, let’s say a guy and a girl both go to Europe for 2 solid weeks. Upon arriving home, a friend asks..."How was your trip?" The girl goes into this long drawn out overly detailed tale starting from the moment she began packing her bag, to arriving at the airport, to boarding the plane, to landing in Paris, to converting her money, to translating the language barrier, to finding a car to take them to the hotel, to entering their room, to blah, blah, blah! You get the idea. It just goes on and on and on! They leave nothing out! However, ask the guy the same question..."How was your trip?" And the guy simply replies with one short sentence - it was cool. Done. Simple. Summarized. Onto the next conversation. So you see, I’m very much that guy. Therefore to answer your question as to how my trip was, my reply is..."It was cool."
I will say that I very much want to upload a photo of me and my new nephew, but I have this thing against posting photos online of anyone under the age of 18. If you had to sift thru some of the things I had to sift thru at work before, you would fully understand why I am very much against seeing a photo of anyone under the age of 18 online. Understand what I’m saying? Good. Now let’s not discuss that topic anymore because it’s revolting to even think about. Instead, to humor those who for some odd reason are actually interested in what I’m thankful for, let me answer that - Beyonce’s ass. You heard me right - Beyonce’s ass. Now THAT is something I can go into great detail about! The bounce. The jiggle. The bang. The perfect apple bottom shape. Her golden glowing skin. Is she a real human being? Seriously, how is one’s skin not only perfectly flawless, but gold and shimmery in color? I assume it’s some type of makeup all over her body? Or maybe she was simply blessed by God and he created her to be smoking hot! It’s his sick giggle, to make all the boys droll over something they can’t have and make all the women secretly despise her because of her incredible beauty. All I gotta say is damn Jay-Z, you better hold onto that girl!
As much as I’ve always loved and praised J-Lo’s ass, Beyonce’s ass has to be right up there. Now Kim Kardashian, although has a great body, her ass is a bit over the top and out of control for my taste. Besides, I can only focus on so many great asses at the same time or else I get ass overload! So for the sake of keeping this post relatively short in length, let’s just focus on Beyonce’s ass for now. Or should I say, let’s focus on her gyrating hips? Oh my God. Dude. Have you seen her repeatedly thrusting her pelvis to the beat in her latest music video "Single Ladies (Put A Ring On It)"? It’s almost like porn to me, well at least that one small clip is. You can’t miss it! It appears roughly 52 seconds into the video (not that I was keeping track or anything) and only lasts for a mere 5 seconds, but what a glorious 5 seconds it is! You just know a girl who can rock her hips like that has to be amazing in bed! Granted the rest of the dance moves are borderline dorky and not exactly sexy, but somehow Beyonce is hot enough that she is able to pull it off and make it look good. She even manages to turn that weird chicken pecking move of hers into something that actually works in the video. Now that is talent! I have to say though, the leotard she is wearing is exactly the same getup my sisters wore back in the mid 80s when I had to suffer thru their jazz recitals. So for me, not so hot.
Now I know what you’re saying. You’re saying..."David, I’m four paragraphs into your post. Does this post even have a point or is it just another one of your Random Ramblings, this time about asses?" Well, yes and no. Or yes and yes? I honestly don’t know where I’m really going with this, but I will share one small tale from my Thanksgiving Day holiday that involved some tail and is related to the Beyonce song I mentioned above. I believe I met the girl who Beyonce wrote this song for, if not, her story is eerily similar! I bumped into her in an LA club this past weekend and we danced to that very song. I’m not going to copy/paste all the lyrics, but here is just a sample.
Up in the club, just broke up
I’m doing my own little thing
Decided to dip but now you wanna trip
Cuz another brother noticed me
I’m up on him, he up on me
Don’t pay him any attention
Cried my tears, three good years
Ya can’t be mad at me
[Chorus]
Cuz if you liked it then you should have put a ring on it
If you liked it then you should have put a ring on it
Don’t be mad once you see that he want it
If you liked it then you should have put a ring on it
Now this girl had dated the dude for 5 years without a ring! Shit or get off the pot, is what I say. Basically she has wasted the better part of her 20s being exclusive with one guy that has no intention of becoming more serious with her. So against my sister’s strong advice not to, I danced with this girl while her ex-boyfriend stood a few feet away literally cracking his knuckles and becoming more and more furious with every little dip and grind. Hey, don’t be mad at me. According to her, she’s newly single. And I’m single too so there’s no crime being committed here. You had your turn and you blew it, so she’s back on the market. Besides, why let it get to you? Worst case scenario is that I hookup with her for the night. That would be ONE night. I live on the other side of the country, so the chances of anything materializing from a couple drinks and some dancing is slim to none.
I understand it pisses you off to watch my hand slide down her lower back and rest on her ass for a few seconds. I get the fact that she is smiling and laughing more with me than she has ever done with you in months, perhaps years! So I get why you are jealous. But if makes you feel any better, as pretty as she is and as nice of an ass she has, she’s not really my type. I don't go for California blondes with big fake boobs. Still, that doesn’t mean we can’t have fun. So lighten up. Maybe it was all the M.M.A. training lately or maybe it was the quantity of alcohol I had consumed, but I wasn’t the least bit intimidated or scared when you had enough and came over to put your hand on me. I politely told you to go fuck yourself. I suppose the bouncers and my sister had both seen enough and didn't want things to escalate. They had asked him to leave and my sister asked me to leave with her. She’s no fun anymore. This new Motherhood has made her lose her sense of adventure and become somewhat overprotective of her little brother.
My sister asks..."There are 100 other pretty girls here you can pick from and you pick the one with the crazy ex standing within 10 feet of her! Why?"
My reply..."She had the best ass out of all 100 of them."
What can I say? I’m hypnotized by a great ass. It's my weakness.
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