Things That Make Me Go Hmm

I think I think too much. I tend to ponder things a little longer and perhaps a little more in depth than the average person. I like to find reasons for the way things are in life. Answers to unasked questions. Information on subjects that few would venture into researching. Below are 10 questions that have been on my mind as of late. Don't ask why, they have just been floating randomly thru my head. Perhaps I've had too much free time in ponder life's little obscurities. Some may find the questions I am about to ask to be unimportant and unworthy of serious attention. You may group these things as inappropriate, silly and maybe even a little childish in nature...but that's the fun in it so lighten up stuffy britches. No matter how trivial these 10 questions may seem to you, for me these are things that make me go hmm.

Growing up with 2 sisters has taught me much about the female mind. For the most part, my first hand observations have left me with a pretty good understanding of how this beautiful and sometimes complex creature called women works. However, like any good scientist, I still have some lingering questions that remain to this day. Questions like...

1. Is it true that within the first 10 minutes of meeting a guy, a woman knows whether or not she would sleep with him? (Wait, let me rephrase. Not that she would sleep with him immediately, but she sees potential there down the line and she makes that decision within the first 10 minutes of meeting him? Talk about 1st impressions - wow!)

2. Are there unspoken pee rules women follow? Like how guys know to skip a urinal between them, do women feel the need to skip a stall between them? Or does it not matter if another girl pees beside you because you are separated by a wall and locked behind a door? Also, does "pee shy" exist in women, ever?

3. When women go in groups to the bathroom, what are you really doing in there? Seriously.

4. Why do women give other women that "bitchy look"? I see this happen all the time, even between total strangers. One woman will look another woman up and down and make a face. Hard to describe, but you know what I mean. Is that an insecurity thing? A competition thing? All I know is that it's a thing you never see 2 dudes doing.

5. Is it true that women dress nice to impress/get the attention of other WOMEN and not really to impress/get the attention of men?

6. Have you noticed that most girls will notice a hot girl even before a guy does? True!

7. Are bras uncomfortable?

8. Do you ever wish you had a penis, or are you happy you don't?

9. Why do the sweetest girls always seem to date jerks? And why can't they see how great they truly are and how much better they could do?

10. Lastly, most guys would ask this question but this I figured out years ago. So guys, I will share this info with you. You may wonder why a woman asks if those jeans make her butt look fat. Naturally, your reply should be no (even if it's a lie). You see, she doesn't want your fashion insight. She doesn't even want your honest opinion. What she wants is reassurance from you. She wants to feel sexy, confident and needs you to compliment her. Get it?

Bonus FYI for Men - When a woman says she's not mad at you, trust me, she is. If you have to ask her if she's mad, you have much to learn about the XX chromosome.

For a clearer understanding of the sexes, check out this past post.

• 08/07/05 I Am Woman, Hear Me Roar

Is Emotion Tied To Scent?

Can a scent that captures the nose, also capture the heart? Some say yes. In fact, it has been scientifically proven that pheromones play a significant part when it comes to falling in love. But what about flowers? Can receiving flowers evoke this same emotion? What about giving them? When it comes to love, all of the 5 senses are involved, including smell. So what if you were just to smell flowers, would that conjure up memories or cause feelings to "bloom"? I don't know if emotions could bloom just from receiving, giving or smelling flowers, but I do think that some familiar scents can definitely awaken the senses. To bring forth memories that were nearly forgotten. When the smell of fresh lilacs traveled in the air, found me and took me back in time.

I'm a sucker for a woman that smells good. When she passes by and her scent lingers, I can't help but turn my head. It's one of my weaknesses. At times I even find it difficult to concentrate at work if a female co-worker has perfume on that is to my liking. So when it comes to the question of whether or not emotion is tied to scent, I say without a doubt, yes. It is often said that the lilac scent creates a calming sensation in people, which explains it's usage in aromatherapy. However, I hear it is difficult to find candles with a lilac fragrance. The reason being is that a real lilac fragrance is difficult to duplicate. Perhaps this helps explain the popularity of fresh cut lilacs, the scent's rarity? Often replicated, never duplicated. The same could be said about love - often replicated, never duplicated.

But why does that fragrance make me so happy? I would answer that by saying it's tied to nostalgia for me, but according to one author, the lilac is a symbol of the first emotions of love. So given the fact that the first woman I ever gave flowers to would of been my Mom when I was a boy, would that of been my introduction to love? (Not in the sick twisted Freudian sense of course.) To find a lilac blossom with 5 instead of 4 forolla lobes means good luck. Some say the purple color denotes sadness and mourning. Like love, the lilac can hold both happy and sad connotations. Also like love, the lilac can be both simple and complex. It conjures up a variety of emotions and a mixture of different meanings. Both the lilac scent and the feeling of love are difficult to capture. Although one thing I'm almost certain of, both conjure up emotions that are tied directly to the heart.

Lilacs Will Lead You Home

Memorial Day weekend is upon us and with it comes long summer nights. A night like tonight, where the air is warm long after the sun has set. Warm enough to leave my bedroom window open, inviting the wind to exhale past my windowpane. In the air travels the scent of a fresh cut grass, blowing from the outside in. In the air travels the scent of fresh cut lilacs, blowing from the inside out. It was literally days ago that I spotted the lilacs growing in the wild. They fill the path I run on everyday. Now they are filling a clear glass vase on top my dresser. I've always felt that flowers picked by my own two hands, rather than a florist's, were always much more meaningful. There is something so beautiful about a flower that plants itself by nature, rather than a tiny gardening trowel. A wild flower is like an unplanned pregnancy. An unscripted life.

Amongst green maple trees and several berry bushes, the vivid purple caught my eye. It wasn't the running that took my breath away, it was that familiar scent. A scent I grew up on. A scent that took me home, literally. Every year just as school was finishing up, I picked the lilacs that grew between the Fitzpatrick's and our house. I did it quickly as to not draw attention to myself. I didn't want my friends to see. I didn't want them to think I was being a sissy for picking flowers for my Mom. For surprising her, just to see her smile.

I would grab them by the fistful. Shove them into my backpack and fling it over my right shoulder like I was just re-adjusting my books. They knew no different, until they caught a whiff of the sweet scent and questioned. I denied it and quickly changed the subject. After that mistake, I learned to walk two steps behind the guys. Allowing the wind to act as my shield. A nose barrier that would cause the sweet scent to trail behind me, casting away from them.

My Mom would fill the house with vases of overflowing lilacs. I remember lying on her bed one Saturday morning and feeling a deep sense of comfort. Back then I would of associated it with the fact that it was a safe place for me to be. Today, I think it had a little something to do with the lilac smell. It did something to me. It calmed me. It made feel like there was no other place I wanted to be. But right there. At home. With the people I loved. My family. I can still close my eyes and see my Mom's eyes light up in delight. She watched as tiny purple pedals would begin to fall from a beaten brown canvas backpack. She knew what awaited her.

California awaited my sister. It was time for her to leave. A week long visit is all she had with us. Prior to her leaving for the airport, I wanted to give her a little departing gift - the lilacs I picked an hour before. Just like when I was a kid, I went overboard and picked too many. So many that I had to put half in that clear glass vase on my dresser. "They won't let me take those on the plane" she said with a heavy heart. "That's probably true", I told her. "However, nobody needs to know if you put some in your backpack." I couldn't promise her the lilacs would survive the long flight, but I am pretty sure anytime she is homesick, the smell will lead her back home...just like it did me.

From Life Comes Art

It's what happens when technology is applied to a canvas. DNA portraits are created through an extraordinary combination of science and art. A one-of-a-kind masterpiece. DNA 11 creates unique, high-end digital art from your DNA. Using a non-intrusive collection method, the company utilizes the latest technology to capture genetic fingerprints and transform them into an artistic representation of a person's life code. The abstract art is a custom piece, as original as you are. It's created on the highest quality canvas and is available in multiple color schemes and sizes. As you know, no two DNA strands are the alike. Therefore, no two art pieces will be the same. You can't get more unique than that!

The process begins with the DNA being collected, depositing your saliva into a tube. This sample is then sent to a highly secure, certified laboratory, where the DNA is extracted. A unique genetic fingerprint is created using a technique that takes advantage of the variation that occurs among the DNA sequence of every individual. The end result is a group of different sized pieces of DNA (unique per individual), which are "run" on a gel, such that each strand of different sized DNA is separate. The DNA is then stained with a fluorescent dye and illuminated by UV light, which then glows, giving off a fluorescent signal. A special camera captures the image which is then digitally enhanced, cropped and color adjusted by adding colors and filter effects.

Each piece is carefully processed to ensure the highest level of quality and then printed as a Giclee fine art piece. The art is made using high quality acid free polyester-cotton canvas, using pigmented inks designed to resist fading. It is then sealed with a non-yellowing protective varnish to further prolong the print life. Each piece is then visually inspected and signed in the back by the artists at DNA 11 to ensure authenticity. The result is a high-end piece of art that can never be replicated (and at $400 to $1,300 a portrait, it's not a bad way to make a buck either). When asked "who is the artist?" The answer is simple - you are. It's your "life code" and yours alone. DNA determines who we are and how we look. So even if you aren't beautiful, at least your DNA will be.

I first saw DNA 11 on a show called "I Want That" which airs on the HGTV channel. Needless to say, I want that! I'm going to get one done and hang it in my home office. Just a small suggestion for anyone out there reading this who plans to commit murder or some other heinous crime, you might want to hide your painting when the cops swing by your place. It probably isn't the smartest thing to have your DNA mapped out across the wall screaming "CONVICT ME"!

Look, Pick, Click...Again & Again & Again

This may very well bring you hours of entertainment, seriously. You could probably waste an entire workday on this site. It's mosaic madness! It's addictive. The looking. The picking. The clicking. It never ends. Never! Good thing carpel tunnel exists because if it wasn't for that hand crippling syndrome, the entire human population may spend the remainder of their lives trying to see what else could possibly lie beneath this weird man's nose pore. Good stuff. Check it out. (You'll need the Shockwave plugin to view/interact.)

Enter The World's Largest Mosaic

I Cracked The Da Vinci Code

Hey, did you know there is this little film out. It's called "The Da Vinci Code". I bet this is the first time you are hearing about this, huh? The film was made from a book. Well, not really FROM the book. They didn't turn paper into video. However, they may of turned water into wine? No, wait. I think that is what the book/film is about - the debate of turning water into wine. Or maybe it's about Mona Lisa's smile or lack there of? Perhaps it's about a hacker that cracks the password to Da Vinci's e-mail? Ok, it's obvious now that I don't know what I'm talking about. All I know is that the film is causing a huge stir and I want to see what all the hype is about. Besides, the main reason I go to the movies is for the popcorn and the hot make-out sessions in the back of the theater. Alright, so I'm not 14 anymore and I don't make-out with girls in the back of a dark theater. However, I still order popcorn. Yes, movie theater popcorn is my weakness. Something about that fake buttery grease that comforts me. Actually, I wouldn't call it "comforting" after it digests. I would call that regret. I would call that stomach rage. A state of hell my body goes into when an excess amount of junk food is indulged upon a body that is use to eating healthy. Anyway, enough about popcorn and Pepto. Back to The Da Vinci Code...

I'm going to confess. I'm probably the only sole alive that has never read The Da Vinci Code book. Is that bad? Should I be ashamed? Believe it or not, it was going to be one of my New Year's resolutions, to sit and read that book. However, another resolution was ahead of "read The Da Vinci Code" on my list. The resolution was "don't procrastinate". As you see, I didn't make it to the book reading. I seem to of gotten hung-up on committing to the resolution just before it. Actually, that's a lie. I didn't even really compose a New Year's resolution list. Is that bad? Should I be ashamed of that too? The way I see it, if one of your resolutions is to not procrastinate and you fail to even write down the words "don't procrastinate", well then you are fucked anyways so why bother with the rest of the resolution list? Ahh, genius! See, I knew I would find an easy way out of this mess.

In all seriousness, I am not a slacker. In fact, sometimes I think I need to slack more often. So tonight I am going to do just that. I'm going to slack. I'm going to zone out with a big tub of popcorn on my lap for a solid 2 1/2 hours. (Can I even sit still for that long? That's a job in itself.) When the show is over, I won't blog about it. Why? Well if I blogged about it, that wouldn't be slack-like of me and that is the goal for tonight. Besides, I don't want to spoil the ending for those of you that haven't seen it yet. On second thought, what am I saying? Everyone and their Mother knows how it ends, EXCEPT me. I don't even know the beginning or the middle. I'm the only illiterate fool that never read the book. Hmm. Maybe one day I'll pick it up just so I can "fit in and look all smart and shit" when people stand around discussing The Da Vinci Code. Actually, scratch that. I would pick up the Cliff Notes if I wanted to go that route, or even better, see the movie...and so I will do just that. Now nobody needs to know I didn't read the book. Well "nobody" doesn't include you reading this in Blogger Land. Just a FYI, if you spill this secret to the "outside world", I will hunt you down and kill you. Not a threat. A promise. (insert big hug)

Ok, I'm off to read a book now. The new Victoria's Secret catalog just came in the mail!

A Golden Girl Coped A Feel On Me!

I'm just going to come out and say it. There is no way to sugar coat this. There are no nice, polite, proper terms to state this ugly fact. I have to be blunt. I was molested in public by a Granny. There I said it. I've owned it. That's step one in the healing process. Let the recovery phase begin. Imagine a senior citizen who smells of a mixture of vitamins and BenGay. Arthritic bone fingers. Wrinkly thin, age spotted skin. Bottle thick glasses. Orthopedic hose and shoes. PoliGrip dentures. And even blue hair! Needless to say, she is not my ideal dream girl. The only thing this Grandma was missing was Mr. Peanut's patent cane in hand. However, this was no crippled old lady. Nor was there a hint of her being senile. In fact, this old lady knew exactly what she was doing. She had game! She was slick. She was sly. She was a pervert! This old woman grabbed my ass in the candy section of a local grocery store!

Picture it, Sicily 1935. (Get it? Golden Girls sitcom? Nevermind. Ignore the fact that I watched bad TV when I was home sick from school as a kid.) Ok, it was a Saturday 2006 and I am food shopping for a short weekend camping trip. I am making smoores (believe it or not, even a cooking-challenged bachelor like myself can make those tasty treats). I hit the candy section of the grocery store, looking for the most important ingredient - the chocolate Hershey bars. I see this little old woman pushing her cart slowly down the candy isle. She stops in-between the Almond Joys and Snickers. Just to her right are the Hershey bars. I step around her, politely smile and say excuse me. She pulls her cart to the side as I begin to pass her. I notice her struggling with the one wiggly wheel, as most grocery carts have. "You're good. No need to move. I just need to grab these" I say as I motion to the 8 pack of Hershey bars. I didn't want the old bag to strain herself...and I mean "old bag" in the most kind and respectful way. Just as I lean over to grab my Hershey bars, I feel a grabbing on my butt! Could it? No, it couldn't be the elderly lady...could it?

This is no accidental brush-up. This is no "oops, I'm sorry, I was reaching for something and my hand mistakenly grabbed your tush instead". No, this was a full fledge good handful of ass cheek groping! This was fully intentional on her part. Yes, I was officially molested by a "pretending to be innocent" little old woman! I could hardly believe it. I was totally shocked. Rendered speechless. I turned around and her head darted down to her purse. Suddenly she became very interested in her grocery list inside the Granny bag. Not only did this old timer molest me, now she was going to deny it! She was going to pretend that it was a figment of my imagination. She would, without a doubt, dispute it if I said something. But what could I say? I was at a lose for words.

I'm not all offended that an old woman grabbed my ass, although I'm certainly not thrilled either. I'm pretty sure I won't be psychologically damaged from this incident. There will be no need for therapy, but I did feel like I needed a good hot shower after. I wanted to remove that lingering feeling of old hand on young butt. Yuck. It gives me the shivers just saying that. So of course I didn't enjoy it, but I wasn't going to have this woman arrested or anything. Had she been a hot 20something year-old girl, I would be cheering! However, this woman could of been my Grandmother. She was easily pushing 80 if not older! After it was over, all I could think of was "find a safe warm happy place, safe warm happy place" - something I say to myself when I'm really creped out. A virtual place I can journey to inside my head that helps block out nasty realities, such as this case.

Obviously a crime has been committed. She took advantage of me. She preyed on me like a pedophile. Like I was some piece of man meat! What kind of guy does she think I am, one who will just take that kind of behavior and turn the other cheek? (Pun intended.) Well, actually I don't mind if women want to treat me like their plaything every now and then. What guy in his right mind would object to being a sex object? Duh. Well, I should object in this case because I tend to go for girls who wear thongs and not pacemakers. Sorry, but something about her "I've fallen and can't get up" dog tags around her neck that just don't do it for me. It's an arousal killer. Truth be told, you have to hand it to her. She acted like she was just browsing for candies, when really she was browsing my backside! Whatever made her do it, I'm hoping she enjoyed because there won't be a repeat performance. I'll be on the lookout for her from now on.

Play With Me

I'm feeling lonely for some reason. Like a kid knocking on the neighbor's door asking if little Jimmy can come out and play. A knocking goes unanswered. Jimmy's not home. Shoulders shrug. My head drops. The tip of my shoe kicks in the dirt as sad eyes lead me back home. No answer today. Nobody home. Nobody to play with me. Until...

A slow day at work has my mind thinking. Thinking of my past, present and future. When you were a kid, life was simple. A nostalgic feeling kicks in and I'm 10 again. Sitting in an office cubical can drive a man to do strange things. Just a foam-like wall separates me from "Anonymous Girl". Today she's quiet. Today I'm quiet. The world seems too quiet. I take out a notebook, rip out a single sheet of paper and write...

Can I come over and play?
Check one. Yes. No. Maybe.
Return to sender.

- The Guy Beyond The Great Wall

I fold it into a paper airplane and soar it above the cubical wall. I could of easily peered around the corner and asked. I could of easily yelled to her from that distance. I could of called. I could of e-mailed. However, that is not my style. Remember, I'm 10 today. And everyday, I'm a kid at heart.

I hear my plane land. Actually, I think the nose or a wing was damaged upon impact. Perhaps I should of strengthen my craftsmanship with a paperclip? I hear a laugh. Then I hear the paper airplane being unfolded. A few seconds past and it takes her 2 attempts to get the plane back over the 8 foot wall. It falls safely at my feet. An excellent landing. A takeoff pilot she's not. A landing pilot she is. I see she has checked the yes box and added "please do :)" beside it.

I found a friend to play with me.
But is it wrong that she isn't my first choice?

Note: "Little Jimmy" is a fictional character. "Anonymous Girl" is a real person who's name I'm withholding to protect the innocent - the innocent victim who was propositioned into playing with me today.

Lost Your Way? Saying "F*ck Off" Gets You Back On Track

The only thing worse than not asking for directions when you are lost, is following the wrong directions when you are lost. They say (I must find out who the infamous "they" is that people are always quoting) men don't ask for directions. This is not entirely true. We ask sometimes. We just do it in a nonchalant fashion. I feel that is why GPS was invented. Man would rather ask for assistance from a machine than a human being. Perhaps it's a pride thing, but whatever it is, women don't carry this same trait/gene. It's no secret that guys are just overgrown boys who like to play with toys. So the more tech gadgets at our fingertips, the better. Therefore, I feel GPS was invented to help entice men into asking for directions...in a cool, nonchalant way of course. Welcome to my car's cockpit and it's onboard voice activated GPS.

My car came equipped with enough bells and whistles to make a paraplegic dance with joy. Onboard tech gadgets include a CD-changer, iPod capability, Sirius satellite radio, DVD and of course GPS. However, don't eww and ahh just yet, because beneath that pretty blue GPS screen lives the devil! A sick twisted f*ck that has my number. I'm not a morning person as it is and I was running a little late for meeting a new client. To make matters worse, my GPS goes so far off track that I drive a good 20+ miles out of my way before I notice it's huge error.

I don't think my GPS was aware of the increasing hostile situation. Apparently it's numb to human emotion. It lacks the ability to sense my need for urgency in getting to said destination in a timely fashion. Apparently it would rather take me on the scenic route. Take me for a tour of the entire freaking state and then some! It gets sick pleasure in knowing I spent the better part of the drive with this confused "what look" on my face while biting my lower lip, something I have a tendency to do when I am concentrating on figuring something out. The whole idea of GPS is so that I don't have to concentrate on figuring anything out. I say where I want to go and you take me there. Simple, right? Apparently if it sounds too good to be true, then it probably is.

If it had eyes instead of ears, I would of gave it the finger. Although a good verbal lashing can be just as effective...well effective to me in terms of releasing stress. Had "The Donald" been riding shotgun with me, I would demand a "you're fired" line. My GPS doesn't work for me, nor with me. It works against me! So I told my GPS to "f*ck off" and believe it or not, I received better directions AFTER my outburst! Ironically, it's one direction it takes serious. It just goes to show you, that sometimes the solution to a problem is simply telling the irritant to f*ck off.

Asymmetric Simplicity

It is said that a beautiful face is made-up of symmetric parts. Features that are perfectly in proportion and inline with adjacent features and corresponding parts. A pair of eyes are set at a precise distance. They are separated by the bridge of the nose. A smooth line then follows downward giving way to where the nose starts and stops at just the right place. Below are a set of lips that curve, swoop and pout with that deep pink hue. Flesh tones and bone structures that society has us believe are beautiful. A standard by which we judge others. More precisely, a standard by which many of us judge ourselves. Often people are too critical of others and even more often, we are too critical of ourselves.

Millions of people scoff at that person looking back at them in the mirror. A mere reflection of our outward appearance. A mere "shadow" of who we really are. A shadow that sometimes casts a dark light over the real beauty within. An inner beauty that can be hidden and struggling to shine outward. Not just for the world to see, but for you to see next time your eyes meet that familiar/unfamiliar face looking back at you in the mirror. A simple outlining image that we make far too complicated to view, let alone happily accept.

My niece who is just a little over 2-years-old is lying on the carpet next to me. We are playing with Mrs. Potato Head. I switch out the glasses for a pair of blue eyes, take away her goofy hair and add a dressy hat to hide her...ahh...round potato shaped head. Instinctively I am making Mrs. Potato into a hottie. (Hot Potato?) At the time I am unaware that I must be mentally programmed to seek out beauty. My niece on the other hand wants the large glasses, goofy hair and the enormous nose that takes up much of Mrs. Potato's face. When I complete my master piece, I turn Mrs. Potato around to get my niece's opinion. Giggling, she says "D, that's silly".

It's not until that moment that I realize how different our Potatoes looks. To her, MINE looks silly. She overlooks my attempt to turn Mrs. Potato into a catch. She giggles at the effort I put into trying to make Mrs. Potato look beautiful, when the real beauty of Mrs. Potato is not her face at all. My niece sees the inward beauty of Mrs. Potato. She sees the silly factor. She sees the fun. She sees all the good things Mrs. Potato has to offer. She doesn't look at her outward appearance really. She looks below the surface, below the "skin". She peered inside and took me along for the ride.

I noticed how her baby face looks similar to a Potato Head toy. Oversized facial features tightly drawn onto a round canvas. Not even Leonardo da Vinci himself could create such a masterpiece. Technically it's asymmetric, but to me, it's one of the most beautiful faces I've ever seen. It's simple. It's perfect. It's a face I love. I'm admiring her long lashes and rosy cheeks when I hear "play me", she says. I smile and say "yeah we can play some more". She runs to get a bag full of building blocks. Little square plastic boxes are dumped out, scattering all around me and some even on top of me. She sits down in the middle. Looking on from the kitchen, my sister says "she adores you". As I begin to build an asymmetric tower, I think to myself...the feeling is mutual.

A Real Life Bionic Man

If you are like me, you have a security key badge to get into work. Actually, I have several of these because I work for different companies. Believe it or not, there once was a time when plastic cards were not affixed to human bodies. Of course I'm too young to remember those days, but wouldn't it be nice to ditch all these badges hanging off your waist or neck? Wouldn't it be freeing to just snap your fingers and have a door open? No keys. No swiping ID strips. No punching in security codes or passwords. You wouldn't even have to use a retinal scanner or fingerprint reader...not that many of us do, but you get the idea. Although it does sound convenient to be able to unlock doors with the wave of your palm, achieving this level of "magic touch" doesn't come easy, nor pretty. In fact, a little blood will be shed. Just a little warning, this is not for those with a weak stomach or those possessing a low pain threshold.

Meet Amal Graafstra, owner of several technology and mobile communications companies and a double RFID implantee. What is RFID you ask? RFID stands for Radio Frequency Identification. It's an automatic identification method, relying on storing and remotely retrieving data using devices called RFID tags or transponders. An RFID tag is a small object that can be attached to or incorporated into a product, animal or person. RFID tags contain silicon chips and antennas to enable them to receive and respond to radio-frequency queries from an RFID transceiver. Passive tags require no internal power source, whereas active tags require a power source. RFID is commonly used by employees who work for tech companies. It comes in the form of a security key badge that not only identifies the worker, but also grants quick/easy access to areas that are locked off from the public. RFID is also a popular choice for pet owners. A small chip is implanted under the pet's skin which gives the dog or cat a form of permanent identification if they should become lost or stolen. I'm sure just about everyone has seen or at least heard of these 2 forms of RFID, but Amal Graafstra combed the two by implanting himself with RFID. Now he can unlock doors with the "magic touch"!

Amal Graafstra not only implanted himself with RFID, but he also wrote the book on it - literally. It's called "RFID Toys" and inside there is a chapter dedicated to his Frankenstein-like experiment. If that isn't enough, Graafstra also has a blog containing photo galleries and videos of the actual surgery. It's his way of documenting the journey from average man to bionic man. I may also want to mention that you can purchase a complete "Do It Yourself Kit" for just under $100. Some may find this a little grotesque, while others will be aww-inspired to try it too. I find it to be interesting, just not interested in doing it. I like my hands in version 1.0, but if you want to upgrade your phalanges, then you may want to look into RFID implantation.

Going Down - The Squeal

A few months ago I posted a hacking tip (11/16/05 Going Down?) that gave you VIP elevator access. By pressing a couple buttons at the same time, you can go straight to the floor of your choice, bypassing all floor stop requests made by other riders. It may be rude, but it's also very handy. Nobody enjoys being crammed in a tiny box full of strangers sucking up stagnate air, so this was the perfect solution! Once again, I have some elevator hacks to share. I haven't tried all of these myself, so I can't guarantee they work. However, give them a shot and let me know if you have any success.

Activate The Nuisance Setting - In elevators with "static sensitive" buttons (the ones you don't press, but light up when you touch them), it can be easy to press the wrong floor by accident. If you do this, press all the buttons and the panel should reset (the nuisance circuit kicks in and assumes someone is messing about with the controls).

1,2,3 Jump! - If everyone in a lift jumps, the weight monitor temporarily reverts to zero and the panel should reset. This trick may also work in OTIS elevators which have regular button panels.

Speed Up The Ride - Press the button for your floor and hold it until you reach the floor you need to get there in express time. This may also work for service/closed floors which are usually inaccessible to the public.

De-select A Passenger's Floor Request - In FUJITEC elevators, if a floor is selected which you don’t want to stop at, try tapping it 2-3 times and it should de-select. (Best used when other passengers aren't looking at you, quickly tap away, shh.)

Hold That Door, Forever! - In lifts with manual doors, you can often get the lift to wait for you by pressing the emergency button just as you reach your floor. The doors should open and the lift cannot be called until you go back in and press a button inside. Useful for when you are moving in/out of your apartment or office.

Drop Me Off First - Many hospital lifts have a button hidden on the floor right at the rear of the elevator which is intended for use when transporting patients or beds. If you press this button and the door close button, you should be able to go straight to your floor. Some elevators may still stop at floors, but the doors won’t open.

I have heard that KONE elevators have a system which dials in to report elevator usage. So with all these hacks, be warned against abusing these tricks, especially in hospitals where someone's need of the elevator may be greater than your own. However that really arrogant pompous ass who's yacking on his phone while slurping his Starbucks latté directly in your ear, yeah you can skip over his floor.

More Than A Mom

When I was 1, you showed me how to walk.

When I was 5, you showed me a kiss cures all on a skinned knee.

When I was 8, you showed me strength by allowing me to explore my dare devil side.

When I was 12, you showed me how to love by giving me a puppy.

When I was 15, you showed you were my still my biggest fan by not missing a single away game.

When I was 19, you showed me I wasn't too old to be Mothered by sending homemade cookies to me in college.

When I was 23, you showed me it would be ok by holding my head after she broke my heart.

Now this Mother's Day, I want to give back to you all that you have given me, but how can you ever repay a Mom? You can't. Therefore I promise to make a conscious effort to show you how much I appreciate all that you have given me and continue to give me. I promise to do this everyday and not just the second Sunday each May. Happy Mother's Day Mom and I know I don't say it often, but I love you and I hope it shows.

Turn And Cough

Moblog shot taken from inside the ER. I am aware that cell phones should not be on once inside a hospital, especially in the ER. I never said I was a good boy though. In fact, I almost got caught when I snapped this photo. The way I see it, they wouldn't let me take my x-ray home, so I needed something. And who doesn't want to look at a portrait of rubber gloves, hand disinfectant and dirty needles filled past the hazardous line? It's art right? No? Well, someone out there may think it's art. After all, Andy Warhol's torn Campbell soup label painting went for $11.8 million today! Any bidders on my piece - anyone? I'll start the bidding at a cool mil. I accept cash and PayPal.

I Didn't Blog Today...Or Did I?

Hey, where is today's post? Ahh, that's right, there isn't one. Guess what else is missing? Yeah, that's right - no photo either. This now concludes today's blog post, or lack thereof. I hope you enjoyed!

I Found God...In An E-Mail

The other day at work I sent an e-mail off to one of the engineers that works for Sharp. He answers my question pretty straight forward and all is well, until I scroll down to the bottom of the e-mail and see his "signature". Now most people sign work related e-mails with standard contact info such as your name, title, phone number, website, ect. However, this guy decided to jazz it up a little and add (what he felt was) an inspiring quote.

Reflections:
Happiness keeps you sweet! Trials keep you strong!
Sorrow keeps you human! Failure keeps you humble!
Success keeps you glowing! But only God keeps you going!
Keep going...

And inappropriate signatures in your work e-mail frighten me of you. I'm sure this guy meant for it to be kind, but I just find it incredibly lame and a little creepy. I just don't think you should intertwine business and religion, unless of course you are a priest or something. What I should of done was let the turrets syndrome guy that works here reply to this e-mail. He could unleash a plethora of profanities that not even the drunkest sailor could spew. THEN I wonder how inspiring of a rebuttal our bible boy would have? Sure, that would be a little mean and uncalled for...but damn it, it would be hilarious too!

Don't worry, I can read your mind there. You want to hear more about the turrets syndrome guy, don't you? Well, I will definitely post a story or two on him one day. That is definitely blog worthy! In a way it's kind of sad/mean, but come on now, you wish you had a turrets co-worker too. Admit it.

Hate.

I have to block out thoughts of you, so I don't lose my head.
They crawl in like a cockroach leaving babies in my bed.
Dropping little reels of tape to remind me that I'm alone.
Playing movies in my head that make a porno feel like home.
There's a burning in my pride, a nervous bleeding in my brain.
An ounce of peace is all I want from you, will you never call again?
And will you never say that you love me just to put it in my face.
And will you never try to reach me, it is I that wanted space.

Hate me today.
Hate me tomorrow.
Hate me for all the things I didn't do for you.
Hate me in ways, ways hard to swallow.
Hate me so you can finally see what's good for you.

People Are Stupid

Do we have so many stupid people in this world that we really need a road sign telling us NOT to run over other human benings? Seriously. I don't care if they are illegal aliens crossing the boarder in San Diego (which by the way, San Diego means a whale's vagina, thought I would throw that in to impress you) or real green aliens from Mars. If you run over someone with you car...um, that's kind of a crime. Yeah, it's called manslaughter. Murder. Ever hear of it? Perhaps this sign should be accompanied with the words "Hey stupid, don't kill people". Then again, many stupid people can't read so that's why we have pictures telling us what rules to follow.

Lately the news seems to be filled with stupidity and it's driving me insane! If you haven't heard, a California man had his face completely ripped off by a chimp! He had raised the monkey and thru the years ignored the fact that he had attacked 5 other people prior to mauling him and his wife. That would raise a red flag in my head, but apparently a light bulb never went off in the victim's head. History is the best predictor for future behavior and I'm no genius, but you think that would alert him to the fact that there may be a problem boiling below the surface. A problem that could resurface and blowup before his very eyes, that is IF his eyes remained in their sockets! Gruesome is an understatement, but so is the word stupidity is this case.

Hey, here's a thought...stop f*cking around with wild animals! You may think you have tamed a wild animal, but he is still wild and the chimp's actions are not that unusual for a wild animal. Stop trying to make him something he isn't and accept the fact that you are messing with nature. You are tempting fate. So don't be shocked or angry with your pet monkey. Sorry your lesson had to be taught so roughly, but maybe now you have learned, the hard way. What is really irritating is that they shot this chimp. Why, because he was being a chimp? It's not his fault some dumb man tried to conform him into our human society. Yes humans evolved from monkeys and yes monkeys today are very "human-like" with their fingers and facial expressions. However, they are not human beings.

They are monkeys and monkeys belong in the jungle. Maybe this monkey was pissed he wasn't left in the jungle like he should of been? Maybe instead of shooting the monkey, we should of shot the guy for being an idiot? Or maybe I'll take down that road sign and tell him to cross the road. That way other stupid people will run over him because there wasn't a stupid sign telling them NOT to kill stupid people that run thru lanes of oncoming traffic. Perhaps we should let stupid people just kill other stupid people. It would cancel out the stupidly in the world and we may be a better world because of it. Stupidity, it's contagious, but I may of found the cure!

Hmm, I wonder if this chimp ever wore a "I'm With Stupid" t-shirt?

***NOTE: For The Stupid***
This post wasn't me calling illegal aliens stupid. Actually it wasn't about the whole illegal alien/boarder jumping hot button topic at all. So if you didn't get the point of my post, then you are stupid. Sorry. (And I mean sorry that you are stupid, not sorry that I just insulted you by calling you stupid. Now leave me an insightful comment like "your blog is stupid".)

This Message Will Self-Destruct In 5, 4, 3, 2...

There are plenty of "secure" USB flash drives out there. However, if someone with the right know-how is really determined to get at your data, they'll probably figure out a way to take it. That's where "Kingston's Data Traveler Elite Privacy Edition" (whew, that's a mouthful) comes in. This 4GB USB flash drive encrypts all data with 128-bit AES. Then it adds an extra layer of security, a self-destruct feature! Yes, now you too can feel like James Bond. In a sense, it self-destructs! If anyone tries to use a brute-force attack to guess your password, the drive will automatically erase itself after 25 wrong guesses. Of course, if you have a really easy password and a data thief can figure it out in under 25 guesses, you're screwed. For the rest of us, this could be a good solution for keeping on-the-go info out of the wrong hands. Plus, it's just cool to have a device that can self-destruct. I like it!

Your mission, if you should accept it, is to go buy this tech gadget. Go on, run along, my little 007 in-training. This post will now self-destruct.

WWW Dot Dork

This photo was taken at a Starbucks just outside the DC area. So where is the .gov & .org? Could there be some kind of conspiracy from the boys in Washington? It's safe to assume the nerd herd had gathered for the free wi-fi. A little java with java...don't get that? Then pat yourself on the back for not being a dork. You've officially passed "the cool kid test". From the looks of these rides, I'm guessing the owners are from the dot-bust era. They were forced to give up the Beamer and Benz for more practical transportation, with of course the pimp vanity plates. Then again, with gas prices today, driving anything isn't practical. Ride your skateboard. Ride your bike. Take the bus. Just don't take the wallet raping like I endured today at the pump for a tank full of premium - ouch.

Project: Ducati 999R Carbon Fiber Creation

I'm lacking creativity and energy to blog lately. This is most likely due to an increasing amount of free-time I'm spending on modifying my motorcycle into a one-of-a-kind carbon fiber creation. I think it's coming along nicely and the change must be rather pleasing to the eye as a friend of mine made this statement...and I quote..."ahh, I think I just creamed my pants". That may define love/lust at first sight.

Often people swap out stock body parts on cars/bikes and replace them with carbon fiber. This is done for a few reasons. Not only is carbon fiber strong, it's also incredibly light so it's used to shed excess weight off your ride. The result, a small increase in speed and handling. However, alot of people choose carbon fiber because it just looks cool. I suppose part of me is just doing it for the cool factor - to have a unique bike. Although what I really hope for is that I will be able to feel the difference when I ride it. More than likely, there will be little to no difference in the speed and handling department. I need to remind myself that when a stock bike can go from 0-60 in under 3 seconds flat, there is little you can do to improve on engineering perfection. Besides, those Italian boys make a pretty stylish bike right off the showroom floor. I'm just adding a spicy meatball to it. "Bello".

25 Songs Playing In My Head

A quick self-assessment would label me as music junkie. I've been downloading music since the birth of Napster and in the last decade I've moved around the P2P networks from KaZaA to Limewire and just about everything in-between. I could go legit with iTunes, but why do that when running from the RIAA is so much fun? Seriously though and just for the record (no pun intended), not all of it is pirated. (That's my legal disclaimer and I'm sticking to it.) However, my MP3 collection is growing to a ridiculous size! I refuse to delete any of the songs. Instead I just hoard them all in my favorite tech gadget, that sleek black video iPod. I wonder how I ever lived life without it? If I could, I would f*ck my iPod. I love it THAT much and it's just THAT sexy looking! I'm kidding...sort of. Besides, my iPod is all about safe sex. It wears protection - a rubber iSkin. Is that too much info to share? Anyway...

Here is my latest playlist, alphabetical by artist. I'm sharing the top 25 songs playing in my head, as of this moment. So if you want to hear what goes on inside my head, go make nice with Limewire and download these catchy-ass tunes. Most are new, Billboard 100 Top Hits, that type of music.

1. Anna Nalick - "Breathe (2 AM)"
At first I didn't give this song a chance because I thought it was country. However, listen to it and I bet you'll be moved.

2. Black Eyed Peas - "Gone Going"
This song couldn't come out at a more fitting time, as I watch a "big Johnny star" friendship dissolve.

3. Bo Bice - "The Real Thing"
It took me a few listens before I liked this. It's kind of a girly song, but good none the less.

4. Busta Rhymes - "Touch It (Remix)"
Name a big rapper and it's a safe bet to assume he is in this low bass remix.

5. Daniel Powter - "Lie To Me"
I can't believe any guy can sing this high! He sounds like the Bee-Gees (before my time)?

6. Daniel Powter - "Bad Day"
Fake smile, passion went away, in need of a blue sky holiday...if you can't relate, you've never had a bad day.

7. Fall Out Boy - "Dance, Dance"
You'll be playing the drums on your steering wheel, trust me.

8. Fort Minor - "Where'd You Go"
Reminds me of Linkin Park for some reason.

9. Guster - "One Man Wrecking Machine"
Relive all your adolescent dreams.

10. James Blunt - "You're Beautiful"
Do I really need to describe this?

11. Jimmy Eat World - "Pain"
You just have to crank this up loud!

12. Lifehouse - "You And Me"
When you find someone who you can't take your eyes off of and the rest of the world around you just seems to disappear, search no more for "the one".

13. LL Cool J & JLo - "Control Myself"
I have no idea what Jennifer Lopez is saying in Spanish, but damn it that girl could say "poophead" and it would sexy!

14. Missy Elliott & Ciara - "Loose Control"
If Missy Elliot's music doesn't make you want to bust a move, nothing will.

15. Natasha Bedingfield - "Unwritten"
You have to love the simplicity and effectiveness of her writing. Second hit since "These Words".

16. Nelly Furtado & Timbaland - "Promiscuous Girl"
Girls talking dirty are always hot!

17. Panic! At The Disco - "The Only Difference Between Martyrdom And Suicide Is Press Coverage"
I don't know what to say here.

18. Pink - "Stupid Girls"
There are too many of these girls in the world, none of which interest me in the least.

19. Saving Jane - "Girl Next Door"
For every girl that thought she was "ugly" in comparison to the Barbie.

20. Seether - "Fine Again"
I don't know what to say here either.

21. Shakira - "Hips Don't Lie"
Mmm, something about this song makes me horny. (Hey, just being honest.)

22. Teddy Geiger - "For You I Will (Confidence)"
A confident cannon ball I can do.

23. The All-American Rejects - "Move Along"
Last time I'll use this phrase...I don't know what to say here, again.

24. The Fray - "How To Save A Life"
Great, great song! The lyrics are perfect and the beat will get stuck in your head.

25. The Fray - "Over My Head"
This group is going to be big one day, watch and see.