A Golden Girl Coped A Feel On Me!

I'm just going to come out and say it. There is no way to sugar coat this. There are no nice, polite, proper terms to state this ugly fact. I have to be blunt. I was molested in public by a Granny. There I said it. I've owned it. That's step one in the healing process. Let the recovery phase begin. Imagine a senior citizen who smells of a mixture of vitamins and BenGay. Arthritic bone fingers. Wrinkly thin, age spotted skin. Bottle thick glasses. Orthopedic hose and shoes. PoliGrip dentures. And even blue hair! Needless to say, she is not my ideal dream girl. The only thing this Grandma was missing was Mr. Peanut's patent cane in hand. However, this was no crippled old lady. Nor was there a hint of her being senile. In fact, this old lady knew exactly what she was doing. She had game! She was slick. She was sly. She was a pervert! This old woman grabbed my ass in the candy section of a local grocery store!

Picture it, Sicily 1935. (Get it? Golden Girls sitcom? Nevermind. Ignore the fact that I watched bad TV when I was home sick from school as a kid.) Ok, it was a Saturday 2006 and I am food shopping for a short weekend camping trip. I am making smoores (believe it or not, even a cooking-challenged bachelor like myself can make those tasty treats). I hit the candy section of the grocery store, looking for the most important ingredient - the chocolate Hershey bars. I see this little old woman pushing her cart slowly down the candy isle. She stops in-between the Almond Joys and Snickers. Just to her right are the Hershey bars. I step around her, politely smile and say excuse me. She pulls her cart to the side as I begin to pass her. I notice her struggling with the one wiggly wheel, as most grocery carts have. "You're good. No need to move. I just need to grab these" I say as I motion to the 8 pack of Hershey bars. I didn't want the old bag to strain herself...and I mean "old bag" in the most kind and respectful way. Just as I lean over to grab my Hershey bars, I feel a grabbing on my butt! Could it? No, it couldn't be the elderly lady...could it?

This is no accidental brush-up. This is no "oops, I'm sorry, I was reaching for something and my hand mistakenly grabbed your tush instead". No, this was a full fledge good handful of ass cheek groping! This was fully intentional on her part. Yes, I was officially molested by a "pretending to be innocent" little old woman! I could hardly believe it. I was totally shocked. Rendered speechless. I turned around and her head darted down to her purse. Suddenly she became very interested in her grocery list inside the Granny bag. Not only did this old timer molest me, now she was going to deny it! She was going to pretend that it was a figment of my imagination. She would, without a doubt, dispute it if I said something. But what could I say? I was at a lose for words.

I'm not all offended that an old woman grabbed my ass, although I'm certainly not thrilled either. I'm pretty sure I won't be psychologically damaged from this incident. There will be no need for therapy, but I did feel like I needed a good hot shower after. I wanted to remove that lingering feeling of old hand on young butt. Yuck. It gives me the shivers just saying that. So of course I didn't enjoy it, but I wasn't going to have this woman arrested or anything. Had she been a hot 20something year-old girl, I would be cheering! However, this woman could of been my Grandmother. She was easily pushing 80 if not older! After it was over, all I could think of was "find a safe warm happy place, safe warm happy place" - something I say to myself when I'm really creped out. A virtual place I can journey to inside my head that helps block out nasty realities, such as this case.

Obviously a crime has been committed. She took advantage of me. She preyed on me like a pedophile. Like I was some piece of man meat! What kind of guy does she think I am, one who will just take that kind of behavior and turn the other cheek? (Pun intended.) Well, actually I don't mind if women want to treat me like their plaything every now and then. What guy in his right mind would object to being a sex object? Duh. Well, I should object in this case because I tend to go for girls who wear thongs and not pacemakers. Sorry, but something about her "I've fallen and can't get up" dog tags around her neck that just don't do it for me. It's an arousal killer. Truth be told, you have to hand it to her. She acted like she was just browsing for candies, when really she was browsing my backside! Whatever made her do it, I'm hoping she enjoyed because there won't be a repeat performance. I'll be on the lookout for her from now on.