You Know You’re Fat When You Can’t Find Your Penis

You have probably already heard about the World’s Fattest Kitty-Kat, nicknamed "Princess Chunk". The media has been swarming this pussy with photographs and interviews. Yes, interviews. Now I don’t know exactly how you interview a cat, but apparently it’s being done. The thing is, "Princess Chunk" isn’t really a princess at all. You see, he is actually a she. So it should be "Prince Chunk". Everyone just thought the 44 pound cat, whose real name is "Powder, was a she because they couldn’t find a penis. Apparently this cat is so morbidly obese that his wiener actually disappeared under his giant belly and fat rolls! Now that’s just embarrassing, but in the cat’s defense, it’s not really his fault. He wasn’t the one prying open can after can of Fancy Feast. Is overindulging your pet a case of animal cruelty? Some would say yes. I would say yes, depending on how fat we are talking. Keep in mind a normal, healthy cat should weigh 10-12 lbs. This cat tips the scales at 4x that size! He sports a FUPA like no other feline and it has earned him a spot in the Guinness Book of World Records.

This Jersey kitty was recently given up, due to the fact that the owner could no longer afford to feed him - no joke. The shelter in which "Powder" was given to received over 400 applications from people looking to adopt the chubby lil’ guy. I’m happy to report that he now has a new Mommy and Daddy, as well as a new home. Rumor has it that he may suffer from a thyroid problem which has led to him being so overweight. Or it could just be the fact that he eats too freaking much and sleeps 22 hours a day. Think that has anything to do with it? Now before anyone sends me hate mail and thinks I’m picking on fat cats, let me make it clear that I too have a soft spot in my heart for fat cats.

You see, when I was a teenager, I rescued a newborn kitten out of the jaws of our family dog and nursed it. Everyone told me it was going to die since it was so young and desperately needed its mother. However, I wasn’t hearing that. All of his littermates were murdered and the mother of the stray kittens was nowhere to be found. So it was up to me to play "mother cat". I began feeding him via an eye-dropper and eventually moved up to a baby bottle. Around the clock I cared for him, including all hours of the night. I’m more of a dog lover than a cat lover, but it was hard not to fall in love just a little bit. When he turned 8-weeks-old, I convinced my sister he would make the perfect pet for her. Today he is 22lbs! We are convinced it was all that extra TLC he was given early in life, all the extra nutrients that got him to his fighting weight.

Most cats aren’t known for having huge schlongs, so I suppose we shouldn’t really poke fun at a fat cat’s penis being virtually non-existent. However, doctors say that for every 35lbs you lose, you gain an inch to your penis! Ok, that rule probably only applies to men and not cats, but still. An inch for every 35lbs you drop? Something tells me that is more of an optical illusion than actual growth. Think about it. Cut back on your FUPA and tell me what you find. And seriously, if you are looking down and you can’t see your own penis, you’ve got major problems! Put the Twinkie down!

I think I’m going to send "Powder" my ab workout. Then not only will he be able to see his penis, but before he knows it, he too will be tucking his cock in his sock. That’s just how a fat cat should roll and soon he will have two tails to sway. Powder, fat or small, you're a badass cat and don't let anyone tell you different.