I Love The Olympics Like A Fat Kid Loves Cake! (Part 2)

If you’ve already read I Love The Olympics Like A Fat Kid Loves Cake! (Part 1) from earlier this week, then this is the continued post, Part 2. As of right now, I’m thinking there will not be another installment, a Part 3. So that means you need to suck in and savor every single word of this Part 2 post before the Olympic torch is extinguished! And if you haven’t already read Part 1, shame on you and do it now! Yes, you, do it. Now if you are a girl and you’re saying "I don’t like sports so I don’t want to read about the Olympics", let me assure you that Part 1 had little to do with sports and much to do with dancing dicks and bouncing balls. You like those, don’t you? If you answer no, you aren’t into male genitalia, then chances are you’re a lesbian. If that is the case, then duh, you like sports! All lesbians like sports. And if you are a guy who doesn’t like sports, then chances are you are gay and that means you like dicks and balls. So you see, everyone can be happy, no matter what your sexual preferences are or your like/dislike of athletics. (Don’t send me hate mail on this. I stereotyped homosexuality purely for the silliness of this post. If you are offended by this, then I apologize and advise you not to read my blog because I’m a silly kind of guy and I may get your panties in a bind from time to time. And the only time I’m serious is when I’m seriously joking.)

LoLo, we should makeout.
It will make you feel better after falling in the 100-meter hurdles.
Seriously, let's give it a try. It can't hurt.

Phelps, Phelps, Phelps. Hey, I like the guy too. He’s an amazing swimmer, seems like a kind sole and he has an English Bulldog. What’s not to love? But can we please just shut up about Phelps now? I hate saying that because it sounds so rude and cold considering he just won 8 gold medals for our country, but I can only take so many interviews with Phelps’s Mom. I feel like I know more about Michael Phelps’s upbringing, body stats and daily routine than I know about my own upbringing, body stats and daily routine. I can tell you what Phelps’s ate for breakfast last Wednesday, but I can’t tell you what I ate for breakfast today! There’s something very wrong with that. It’s like I’m his creepy #1 obsessed fan without even stalking him or friending him on Facebook. Thanks to Bob Costas and the media’s relentless coverage on fishboy, I now feel like I know entirely too many personal details on Phelps. So many details it’s as if we have been intimate! That’s simply not a happy place I want to be in my mind right now. Yuck.

If you can ever manage to tune into the Olympics when they aren’t talking about Michael Phelps, you’ll find there are over 10,000 other great athletes competing in 28 other events, other than swimming. But can I just ask, when did frat house activities turn into full fledge Olympic events? I’m talking about ping pong, or the official fancy name or it, Table Tennis. Honestly, I can’t stop laughing when I see a Chinese dude shaking out his muscles during a heated ping pong game. If you strain a muscle playing ping pong, you have issues. It may be laughable here in the States, but I know they take ping pong very serious in China. So serious in fact they sequestered their players for 2 years to train! Apparently it was very hush-hush and they didn’t want other countries seeing them hone their skills for fear it would give a competitive edge to an opponent. Geez! You couldn’t even sequester me for 2 days for a mafia trial! So I can’t even imagine being held captive for 2 solid years! I’m thinking I’ll call up my old fraternity brothers so we can form a beer pong team for the 2012 Olympics. I’m totally taking home gold in that!

There are other Olympic events that I have to question if they are a sport or not, like Speed Walking. Speed Walking? What the...? If we are going to accept speed walkers into the games now, then let’s get my 88-year-old Grandma signed up so she can smoke everyone’s ass. Put her in a pair of Hush Puppies and off she goes! And what is this Trampoline event all about? Don’t get me wrong, I think it’s cool as fuck! If I got on that trampoline, you would never get me off, ever! It looks sooo fun and I desperately want to bounce from one trampoline to the next. What can I say? In a previous life I may have been a circus freak or a monkey. Same difference, right? There is also Handball. Now Handball to me looks like a game that is made-up as you go along. It’s very similar to the game we play at work when everyone is mentally drained and falling asleep at their desk due to a 60+ hour work week. It’s when you take a crumbled wad of paper and wail it at your co-worker, just between his face and his computer screen. If you succeed in getting it past him successfully without hitting his face or the computer screen, you score! Try it. It’s kinda fun.

One of the things I like best about the Olympics is the little heartwarming stories tied to the athletes. Nicknames like "6 Feet Of Sunshine". The 15-year-old swimmer who accidentally fell into the water during the Sydney Olympics, was disqualified and ran into the bathroom humiliated...only to return 4 years later in Beijing and take home gold. Or the Sudan track star who fled a prison camp at age 6 and never stopped running. You can’t help but get choked up as a German weightlifter shows off his gold medal in one hand and a photo of his late wife in the other. He stood there before a packed crowd with tears in his eyes during one of the happiest and saddest moments in his life. And don’t forget about hotties LoLo Jones (U.S. hurdler) and Alicia Sacramone (U.S. gymnast) who literally fell on the big stage. I wanted to hug both of these girls and let them cry a soggy mess on my shirt chest.

Of course the 2008 Olympics also brings us some ugly moments as well, things we would like to forget about. Like the weight lifting elbow snap, the Chinese lip-syncing fiasco and women’s wrestling. Those are like dudes with ovaries – scary! So as the games wind down, I surf my way on over to the official Beijing Olympic website and every time I see "Modern Pentathlon" listed as an event, I think it says "Modern Penetration" and I get all excited for a second. Then I click on the link and realize it’s some stupid horse riding thing. What a letdown! But wouldn’t "Modern Penetration" be a great sport? It could be judged like gymnastics. If people will watch ping pong, they are definitely going to watch people having sex as an Olympic event. I know I would tune in! I’ll request it for 2012 and you can thank me later.