This post has more to do with genitals than the 2008 Olympics. Surprise!
I love the Olympics! Love, love, LOVE them! Did I mention I love the Olympics? I love the Olympics like a fat kid loves cake. I love the Olympics so much that when they end, I may throw a temper tantrum, just like a fat kid does when he is told he can’t have anymore cake. On August 24th, don’t be shocked if I throw my body on the floor, kick, scream and carry on. I don’t want to see the closing ceremonies because it means the Olympics are over and I have to return to my normal, boring gold medal-less life. In other words, it means I can’t have anymore cake. I don’t want that day to come! Someone please tell me how to make the Olympic games last forever! Only 2 weeks every 4 years just simply isn’t enough. I want more, damn it. More I say. More! However, there are some parts of the Olympics I can do without. Specifically, men free balling in white spandex shorts that are drenched in sweat to the point where it becomes obscenely see-thru. It’s totally different if it was a hot chick with some nice, firm C-cups in a wet t-shirt contest. Now that I would love to see! A German dude’s sweaty junk flopping and flailing about as he finishes up the final heat of a triathlon, not so much. I’m just glad he isn’t from Jamaica! (And that isn’t a racial insult to black men. It was a compliment. Everyone knows you guys are hung like horses! Lucky bastards.)
Believe me, it’s no coincidence that EVERY photo of Germany’s Jan Frodeno winning the Men’s Triatholon is a shot of him cropped off at the crotch. You don’t want to see the horror my bleeding eyes had to endure.
Usually I refer to tight pants on men as "ball huggers", but in this case, his balls were definitely not being hugged! If anything, they were being violently expelled from his prostrate! I mean, come-on now. I understand why Olympic athletes wear insanely tight shimmery outfits. They do so for speed, so their body won’t be caught up in any loose clothing to distract them from performing at their absolute peak. Although some of it is so tight that I question if cutting off one’s blood circulation is just the price you have to pay to keep your muscles warm? Still, I understand the science behind it all, but can’t we get this German athlete a jock strap? Can’t someone spot the man a couple bucks so he can hit up Beijing’s version of Target? Shed a little love. This is the Olympics for God sake! We are supposed to come together and help our fellow country man out. So please, someone, anyone? If we can’t get him a jockstrap, then can we at least get him a darker colored leotard to compete in? Preferably black so even if his ball sweat reaches epic proportions, the viewers at home will experience "trick eye" - the human eye just sees a blur thanks to the color black, detail is lost.
Hey, I mountain bike. So I know what it’s like. Your shit shakes, it shuffles. It bounces and bangs from side to side. And even though I am anti-spandex (which I think every man should be), I did buy some compression shorts to wear while mountain biking. But the thing is, I don’t just wear that tight little number. I slip on some cargo shorts or mesh basketball shorts ontop. I do so because nobody wants to see a man in tight ass shorts, even if the only eyes that are going to see me while biking thru the woods are the eyes of Peter Cotton Tail, Bambi and Bigfoot. Still, I show them some respect and have the decency to dress accordingly. And ladies, just because you don’t have a twig and a couple berries doesn’t mean you are exempt here. If you dress your hot pocket in spandex, then you very well may run into a little problem called camel toe. Let me just say, that even on a hot chick, camel toe isn’t sexy. So please people, think before you pull out the spandex from your dresser drawer. It’s not an outfit one can just throw on without giving much thought to.
So in closing, let me first say congratulations to the gold medal winner of the Men’s Triathlon Final, Germany’s Jan Frodeno. And second, bro, just say no to white spandex. I beg of you!
***NOTE***
This is Part 1 of...? I’m not quite sure yet, but I’m thinking this will be a 2 or 3 part series. So stay tuned! More Olympic coverage and my personal take on it is to follow shortly! I know you’re excited, but try to contain yourself.
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