You need a license to drive, a license to drink, but what about a license to "do the deed"? Personally, I think people should need a license to have kids as there are too many idiots out there reproducing mini-moron versions of themselves. It’s just a vicious battle, but I’m not running for President so I can’t establish the "License To Have A Baby" law. However, a new license has emerged – a license to fornicate. That’s right, a license to have sex. And it’s not just for whores at the Las Vegas Bunny Ranch anymore. It’s for everyone! It’s for you. It’s for me. It’s for dirty birdies like A-Rod, Pam Anderson and every rockstar who has ever gone on tour.
Fellas, how many times have you agonized over whether to use a condom, but then figured, "Hey, when am I going to be in Haiti again?" Men will say anything to get out of using a condom, from..."If you really loved me..." to "What's a condom?" So isn’t it time you let a piece of plastic do the groveling for you? A safe sex license called STFree is making it so two strangers don’t have to trust each other one bit when they want to try the rhythm method. Since its invention in 2004, over 15,000 potential mates have been issued the sex licenses. Based in Brooklyn, STFree promotes a responsible way to "bump uglies" with a clinically backed safe sex wallet-sized license. The only way this could get any more romantic is if the company merges with Match.com
Want to know how it works? Well, first you sign up online and download the clinic verification form. Then you go get tested and mail the results to STFree. Once they review them, they'll send you a card with your unique member ID and photo. Then simply hand the card to whomever you want to bang and tell him/her to dial the card's 1-800 number. Via phone they will then be privy to the dates and results of your last two HIV/AIDS tests – verifying your good health! That’s irrefutable proof that you were disease-free on at least two specific occasions in the past. So umm...if your partner got laid the previous night or anytime since his/her last test, obviously the license is about as useful as an expired library card. Still interested in having unprotected sex with your one night stand? I didn’t think so.
STFree also provides accounts for herpes, gonorrhea and other STDs that require a more frequent testing rigor. Although that's usually only required in the adult film industry, or for men who are accomplished at stupidly talking their way out of using condoms on a regular basis. Yeah, don’t be that guy. And ladies, stay away from that guy.
I’ve never had any type of STD, but they do sound scary as hell! Right now, if I were to compare a committed relationship to casual dating, I would have to give a check-plus under the committed relationship column. Who would think that having a girlfriend would give you LESS to worry about, LESS stress? I don’t like wearing a condom anymore than any other guy, but I’m not stupid enough to not wear one, unless I’m in a committed relationship. It’s just common sense and it’s just another reason a committed relationship receives another check-plus.
Now if I could just stop thinking about my "moving to DC girl", perhaps I could have accepted last night’s booty call. Perhaps I could be more manwhorish to snap me out of my mopey state. I think that might help me, but right now, I simply can’t bring myself to do it. What's wrong with me? Honestly, sometimes I wish I were scummy. Scummy enough to require the use of an STFree card. Life would probably be easier.
Related post of interest...
09/05/06 One-Night Stand Etiquette (3 Credits)
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