Totally Random And Probably Completely Inappropriate

I’ve become another social casualty. There’s enough evidence to hang me. However, I refuse to confess to all of it. I didn’t do what you can’t prove, right? That’s my motto. For right or wrong. For good or bad. So feel free to charge me with the crimes, but you can’t convict me on just hearsay. At this point, that’s all there is – hearsay. And that doesn't build a strong case. In the past couple of weeks I’ve found myself in the habit of saying totally random and probably completely inappropriate things to people, mostly girls. Luckily for me, in each instance, the person had a positive reaction to it – much to my dismay and my relief. Most giggled it off, found it complimentary or summed it up as just "a silly David thing to say". I’ve learned that people are rather forgiving of my "oopsie moments", forgiving of my stupid mouth. That’s one thing I will admit to, having a stupid mouth. I say too much and it gets me in trouble. Think before speaking. That’s the advice I constantly have to give myself. A reminder I should jot down on a sticky note and post it to my forehead. Then at least if I wouldn’t remember, it would give the world ample notice that this boy has a stupid mouth. Consider yourself warned! Then I wouldn’t have to be held accountable for my actions. Ahh, yes. A responsible-free life sounds heavenly!

I sent that e-card to a friend of mine today. Ok fine, you caught me. She was more like a fuck buddy, an ex-fuck buddy to be exact. Does that make it any better? We dated briefly years ago, many years ago. Alright, I’m still lying. We had sex more than we actually went out to dinner or had any type of real date. So I’m guilty. So I’m a scuzzball. But this was years ago, so many years ago that it requires the use of two hands to count all the years that have passed. Today we are just friends and nothing more, I swear! Anyway, I thought it would be cute/funny to send that e-card. The jury is still out as to whether or not she found the humor in it.

I don’t know what’s with me lately, but not long ago, I found myself almost hitting on a girl that I clearly knew was taken. It’s no secret she’s in a relationship, but despite that fact, I found myself once again saying something totally random and probably completely inappropriate. I always thought she was cute, but her hotness factor didn’t really hit me until recently. Actually she’s very pretty, more so than I initially noticed. I have no idea why I felt the need to tell her that. I guess my sudden awaking to this "hotness conclusion" just left me a little shocked. So I felt like I needed to say something? I know, I should keep my thoughts and comments to myself. I'm sure her boyfriend would appreciate it if I did that as well. If you are reading this, you know who you are. And like I told you before, if you should find yourself single in the near future, you give me a call. I’m joking. Kinda. Sorta. But not really. Call me? Ok, I’ll stop.

Even when I try to curb my bad behavior, I still seem to have "oopsie moments", things just slip out and I’m left standing there like a dumbass. Take the Grood incident. Remember that post? Remember the humiliation? It certainly wasn’t the first time I slurred my speech without drinking. Once, on a first date, I picked this girl up at her apartment. She was all dressed up and looked great. So I made some remark about giving me a twirl. She spun around for me to check out her dress and I did the worst, I thought outloud. I said EXACTLY what I was thinking and without a moment of hesitation. I said "I love your ass...assessories?" God! It was so clear I was drooling over her picture perfect ass and I tried to play it off like I was complimenting her accessories. Duh, what straight man would compliment a girl’s accessories? I don’t think she even had any on, with the exception of some diamond stud earnings and maybe a small ring. And let’s be honest, she could have been blinged out and iced up like Liberachi and I wouldn’t have noticed with a juicy J-Lo butt like hers.

It’s not even just when I speak. I’m the master at totally random and probably completely inappropriate typos as well. Yesterday is a perfect example. I’m making small talk with someone and the topic somehow turns and I want to ask if she watches Sex And The City. Harmless enough, right? But instead of just asking, "Do you watch Sex And The City?" Somehow it comes out as, "Do you want Sex?" Did I mention this is to a married woman who I don’t even know? A married woman who happen to e-mail me out of the blue to say she liked my blog and I ask her if she wants to have sex! Brilliant, David. Just brilliant. I later deleted her e-mails, hoping that if there isn’t an electronic trace of me saying such a stupid thing, then maybe it never really occurred? That is what I would like to believe, to help me save face. Of course she had a good sense of humor about it all when she wrote me again today and said "wow, I'm so flattered to know that you deleted my emails. I always love to hear stuff like that..."

What can I say, I’m a charmer. I know how to make women swoon by saying totally random and probably completely inappropriate things. (note the sarcasim)