Getting Better, But Not Quite There

I pulled this original post, just 5 hours after I posted it. Why? Because I'm going thru another one of my "I hate everything I write" stages. I seriously couldn’t stomach this page even loading on my laptop. Seeing the words, my words, written out before me. It nauseates me to look at what I write. Or maybe it’s just nauseating to look at my writing because it’s me. I think I don’t want to see me right now. I don’t want to look because I know why I have been blogging in a feverous flurry lately, almost daily. And by looking, it is only confirmation to me. Proof that I’m trying to keep my mind busy so I can stop thinking about her. It’s driving me insane! If banging my head into a wall right now would make these thoughts disappear, I would do it.

If there is anything positive for me to say, it’s that I think I’ve finally figured out what I hate most about myself. I hate that when it comes to women, I’m emotionally weak. That’s so not sexy. That’s so not something to take pride in. It’s embarrassing and shameful. I don’t care what people say, vulnerability doesn’t feel good. It’s unsettling. It rattles me. Unnerves me. It makes my mind race. I simply hate it. I do realize I sound overly emotional, too attached and somewhat dramatic. These are also things I don’t like about myself right now. Things that make me feel uncomfortable just being in my own skin. Trust me, nobody notices these flaws more than I do.

I hadn’t talked to you in 2 weeks and then out of nowhere, you spoke to me today. It was very short and about nothing really. But it was just enough to make me feel good. It was just enough to make me feel bad. It was just enough to make me feel, period. And I guess that’s all it took.

It’s ironic that the original post title still fits, even though the original post was nothing like the one you read now. And it just hit me...God, I hope she doesn't see this! At least I don't think she reads my blog anymore? I should probably keep these thoughts to myself or write them privately on paper to be seen by my eyes alone. How long before I pull this post too? I guess time will tell. My gut tells me it may be soon.