Self-Induced Plastic Fork Stabbing

HELP! I'm about to stab myself with a plastic fork! I'm insanely bored and right now, plunging myself with a dull object sounds like it could be fun...or at least semi-entertaining. The natives are restless. Well at least this native is. (Do I have to be a native-something to use that phrase? I'm not, but oh well, I'm using it.) Boredom has kicked in. Sheer boredom. The worst kind. The kind of boredom you use to whine to your Mom about in the summertime. The kind of boredom that you nagged your Father with during road trips. The kind of boredom that has a reasonable sane man wanting to kill himself via a PVC utensil. Yes, it's that bad. Numerous stretches, yawns, head banging on the desk and even thumb twiddling has not cured my boredom disease. So I had to find other outlets, which you will discover if you continue to read below. That is IF I haven't bored you to death yet? Shake your head no and tell me you still love me, despite my rambles. You can pretend you are listening, sort of like I do to my Mom when she bores me on the phone. (I know that's mean and I'm sorry.)

I should of known this would be a long dull day from the get-go. A clear warning sign is when I got behind a black Mitsubishi Eclipse Spyder (that's a sporty 2 door convertible for those that are non-car savvy). I noticed the license plate and when you start reading license plates and bumper stickers, you are definitely bored. It's a vanity plate that reads "#1Hottie". I think to myself, wow this girl must either be really hot to be named #1 Hottie or she is just really, really stuck on herself and is pretending she holds the #1 Hottie crown...which by the way is a coveted title. One of high prestige and one that I believe is currently adorning the head of one Miss Jennifer Lopez...or at least in my land of make-believe she is. Anyway, because I am bored, I must see this #1 Hottie myself. So I make a point to pull-up alongside her. I glance over to get a glimpse of the #1 Hottie and low and behold...it's a dude! Yes, a guy is driving around in a chick car with the license plate #1 Hottie. Now THAT is beyond G-A-Y. What's even gayer is that I probably looked like I was checking him out. My defense case is clear - I thought it was going to be a hot girl, seriously.

Once I arrived at work with my shame on my sleeve, I realized I had nothing to do at work. I hate those days. Days where I can't just leave, but I have to "pretend" like I'm working when really I'm wondering what a crazy fortune teller would say to me if she were to read the lines on my palms. Is there love and money in my near future or just a case of sheer boredom? I'm thinking I know the answer. The good news is that I collected a couple hundred bucks today by doing basically nothing. Not a bad way to earn a living huh? This isn't my typical workday, but these occur now and then. Below is a list of some of my bored day activities. You can read them and be bored too. Misery loves company.

• The highlight of my day was watching a maintenance man change a light bulb. I kid you not.
• I attempted to finish the Internet. Yes, I mean surf every page on the World Wide Web. The only thing worst than that attempt would be WATCHING another human attempt to finish the Internet. I'll save that aww-inspiring adventure for another time.
• I read spam, for real. I actually opened a "increase my breast size" e-mail. I'm thinking it won't deliver on the DD cup promise.
• I actually listened when I heard the report of Mel Gibson's DUI arrest where he goes off in a drunken rant. His brainiac statement..."Jews are responsible for all the wars in the world." This just once again confirms the fact that celebrities in general are morons. I didn't say Mormons. I said morons. How about we all say yes to crucifying Gibson? Just like was done to him during his role in "Passions Of The Christ".
• I stared out an office window watching heat waves rise from the 98 degree parking lot, mesmerizing myself. Fascinating stuff!
• I sent anonymous homosexual text messages to a friend/co-worker's cell phone in obsessive, psychotic fashion. He absolutely hates receiving text messages for some reason and he can't stand the shorthand lingo used. He is also homophobic. So I made sure to send messages like "r u hot 4 me 2? ;) i wanta roll u n peanutbutr & lic u". It was to freak him out and annoy him to death. I succeeded.
• I started observing the fact that when anyone in this office comes over to talk to me, all the men either stand or pull up a chair. However, every woman sits on my desk. Why is that? Odd.
• I've also come to the realization that I'm pretty sure I broke at least one bone on top my foot, if not more. However, I still plan to train for an upcoming fight by going running tonight. I'm hardcore like that.
• Lastly, I attempted cubical suicide by stabbing myself with the plastic fork that came neatly packed in my deli take-out lunch. Obviously, the blunt force trauma didn't get the job done because I'm still here. Bored. Blogging. But done rambling now.

Enjoy your exciting life while I try to go get one, or end one.