Convince Me Easter Isn't Lame

I'm not a fan of Easter. I think it's a lame holiday. What's up with a big bunny bringing chocolate? How does that tie into Jesus dying? Perhaps the bunny is more Springtime related than religious related? In that case, why is he so freaking big? To intimidate kids? Why is he hiding eggs and hopping around with a basket? What is that suppose to mean? I don't get it, but he couldn't be any gayer if he was wearing a pastel bowtie around his fuzzy neck. Besides, bunnies don't lay eggs. Chickens lay eggs. So then where is the chicken? He's a Springtime related animal too - spring chicken. Hello, duh. So why don't we have a big chicken in a basket? Wait a minute, we do! It's called KFC. Did KFC come before Easter? Is that why we don't have a chicken in a basket for Easter because the idea was already taken by Kernel Sanders? Or is it the fact that an oversized bunny, although kinda scary, it's still less scary than say a chicken getting it's head chopped off?

Is this post getting really weird? Yeah, I thought so too. The point is, Easter is lame. You will be hard pressed to convince me otherwise, but you may try to do so. In fact, please do. I'm feeling disgruntle about the Easter holiday. I'm not even excited about Easter dinner. The entire Easter weekend just sounds dull to me. I think I'm an Easter Grinch. I don't feel like driving 2 hours to have dinner at my Grandma's. I don't feel like reprimanding another idiot dressed in a bunny costume trying to hi-five my 2-year-old niece when she is obviously freaked out by his enormous, unrealistic bunny being. She is a toddler of logic. She knows there is no such thing as a 6 foot bunny. So stop playing head games and freaking her out. Talk to her like an adult Focker. Didn't you hear her? If not, then pull the hair out of your ears because she said very cleary "no bunnies and no chickemths". (I love that - chickemths. You have to hear her say it to fully appreciate the cute factor.) She repeated it about 10 times, but the dumb bunny didn't seem to get it as he continued to inch closer. Close enough to her that she finally had it and broke into tears. Dumbass bunny. She was so shaken that she couldn't even calm down to do the Easter Egg Hunt. Bunnies piss me off.

Perhaps my Easter Grinch attitude was carried down the bloodlines to my niece. She doesn't seem to be jazzed about the Easter holiday either. That reminds me, I know something gayer than a bunny in a pastel bowtie. Using the word "jazzed". Actually, if I say it WITH the use of "jazz hands", then THAT would be the gayest of the gay. (Ok, that's enough gay talk from me.) I have an idea. I'm going to make the most of this lame holiday we call Easter. I'm going to make the most of it by heading out to Iowa where the only thing exciting to do there is watch corn grow. Then just when I am about to stab myself in the ear with a cob of corn from sheer boredom, I will come home. Then and only then will I find a new appreciation for this thing called Easter. Perhaps while I'm in Iowa I can pickup a t-shirt that says..."I went to Iowa and the only thing I got was this lousy t-shirt and a case of the mumps." Hey, we already know Easter isn't exciting so at least catching mumps would give me something riveting to talk about as I'm sucking out the slime of a Cadbury Egg on Monday.

This concludes my Easter ramble. Have a Good Friday and enjoy your holiday weekend...or lack thereof. By the way, I forgot to mention my deep hatred of those God awful marshmallow Peeps. Those and stale jellybeans are a few more reasons why Easter sucks. Now is the time you attempt in convincing me why you feel Easter isn't lame. Feel free to use "jazz hands", if need be, to convey your message full of excitement. Make me feel it baby.