Strangely enough, blogging at times can force you to feel like you have to make some sort of statement or catch up your "virtual pals/AKA loyal readers" to what is happening on your end of cyberspace. You know what? I don't like that feeling. Make no mistake about it, I do appreciate those who read and comment on my blog - who have been kind, helpful and even made me laugh on occasion. However, I don't want to feel obligated to blog if I don't want to. I don't want to feel obligated to share what I feel is too personal or too painful at the moment to express to people. In short, I don't want to let just anyone in. I hope those of you left somewhat in the dark here can understand.
The real reason I even bother to write this post is because I feel a push to inform all of you, give you a legitimate excuse why I have lapsed in posting and why I haven't been surfing on over to your blogs to say hello. Some may of noticed that I have not been leaving my usual jokey comment or attempted to give some insightful thought I have in regards to your own writing. For that, I apologize. I hope nobody takes it personal. Instead, I feel I'm better off being quiet. Yes, I know Mr. Rambles has nothing to say - a real shocker, but it's true. I don't want to talk. I don't want to blog. I don't want to interact. I need some solitude for awhile. I know the saying "this too shall pass" would fit nicely right about now, but at the moment, I can't see the happy colors. They are blurred. Good times appear to be out of focus for me and seem out of reach as well. They say "time heals all wounds" and if that is true, then I would love nothing more than to be able to speedup time so the healing could begin. A few days ago I would of done anything to slow time down, better yet rewind it, but now I want it to speed by. I want it to race faster than a tear can drop. It would be nice if rain could wash away pain and make it a distant memory. Blur the lose so you couldn't feel so sharply. So you couldn't miss so transparently.
It's amazing to me that nothing can make me smile. I mean nothing. Stretch Jennifer Lopez out naked on the back of my Ducati and that wouldn't even spark my interest right now, seriously. Even the one person who never fails to bring a smile to my face, my little 2-year-old niece, failed to bring me joy. (I'm going to be really brave here and tell a somewhat embarrassing tale.) Last night I stopped to visit her because going home makes me extremely sad right now. So I thought for sure I would feel better if I played with my niece for a couple hours. I was laying on the couch and she brings me over books to read to her. For whatever reason, I could feel a "snowflake" in my eye (yes, "a snowflake fell in my eye" is the phrase I use for that watery thing that happens, I will use that phrase in August and indoors if I have to). My niece is a perceptive kid. She looked at me a little weird, almost a shocked look on her face. Then it changed into sadness like she was going to cry. I panicked for a second because I didn't want to upset her or scare her. Then before I knew it, her expression changed and she gave me a little smile as if to say "it's ok, I won't tell". She proceeded to hand me her sketch board and said "make a fish" - my indication that we should play thru this and I should draw for her. I took the sketch board and began making my best guppy for her when she laid her head on my chest, right on top of my heart and let out a sigh.
Today I can't write from the heart. It will hurt too much to do that and without a doubt, it would make someone out there cry if I were to transform my feelings into words. Honestly, I don't think words can even begin to express how badly I feel. Part of me is a little surprised I am taking this so poorly, but I can't help it. Not to sound like a big wus here, but without a doubt it would make me cry to write about it. Yes, not pretty - a grown man crying, but my heart should be questioned if something like this wouldn't make even the toughest guy shed at least one tear. Besides, I promised the other day that my next post would not be a sad one. So this is my attempt to keep dry eyes in the house...err blog land. Today I write from a mask. Today you will have to accept that because it is all I can offer. For now, I wait for the cloud to lift and the rain to end. Then again, the month of April is not far away and that brings April showers. So this may take some time. Perhaps you'll stick around.
***UPDATE***
What's going on now is completely unrelated to my last post so I hope people don't get confused. Also, I was pleasantly surprised that a friend of mine remembered the significance of why I wrote what I did as my #74 item. So yes, you were right. #74 was his football number from grade school thru college. Thanks for picking up on that as subtle as I thought it was.
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