Someone Please Stop The iNsanity!

First let me get this off my chest. EVERYONE PLEASE SHUT UP ABOUT THE IPHONE ALREADY!!! For 6 months now, it’s all people have been talking about. It’s all you hear about on the streets. It’s all you read about online. It’s all you see on TV. Commercials, billboards, fan fare, media attention. Enough already, rrr! I’m so sick of hearing about the iPhone I could throw up - blah. So let’s talk about the iPhone, shall we? Actually I’m not going to talk about the iPhone, but I do want to say to Greg Packer… “What the f*ck you crazy nut?”

Now if you don’t know who Greg Packer is, I’m very surprised because he’s an attention whore like no other. He’s pretty much made a life for himself that consists of waiting in line for days on end. He was first in line to view the Ground Zero site, to sign the condolence book after Princess Diana died and even first in line to greet President Bush after his inauguration. Apparently Greg is first in line for everything, including the all-you-can eat buffet. Ok, that was rude (and somewhat funny), so I take that back. Of course with the highly anticipated iPhone going on sale today, you better believe Greg Packer is already in line to get his hands on this hot new gadget. In fact, he’s been gloating about being “first in line” at NYC’s Fifth Avenue Apple store all week.

The last time I heard someone brag about being “first in line” for anything was back in the 2nd grade. We were told to lineup single file after recess so the teacher could get a head count and walk the class back in. It was then that Sheridan Burgees made a spit induced motorcycle revving noise and sped past everyone to be first in line, where he proudly exclaimed “FIRST IN LINE”. I probably don’t need to say that Sheridan was a moron. What kid in their right mind wants to get back into school ASAP? I was the kid the teacher had to call a second time because I was too busy trying to squeeze in one more turn in the kickball game. To me the math was simple. Recess = fun. Learning = not so fun. So I was in no hurry to be “first in line”.

Ok, so let’s give that Sheridan kid a break because he was only 7 and I believe you allowed to be somewhat obnoxious and annoying at that age. (Plus the guy is now dead due to a drug overdose in his early 20s so I can’t bash him). However, Greg Packer is a middle aged grown man, 43 to be exact. Being widely known as the “First In Line Guy” for an iPhone isn’t a title I would be proud to boast. I would be rather embarrassed for people to know my ass sat on the busiest street corner in NYC in the sweltering heat for days on end, and during a work week I might add. Oh, and did I mention he is accepting donations to support his quest for an iPhone? Hope he has the $500 to $600 by the time the Apple doors open or so much for being “first in line”.

Maybe Greg Packer is a royal nerd, but perhaps we shouldn’t knock him too much. If nothing else, he is doing a great job at feeding the media frenzy and we all know that hype generates sales (say thank you Steve Jobs). And maybe to Greg and others like him, the iPhone is as good as it gets. If that is the case, they only have to wait a few more hours before the good times roll.

Related Links Of Interest

• "First In Line Guy" - Greg Packer's Blog
• 1/10/07 - Contemplating Cheating, With The iPhone
• 11/17/06 - If You Want PS3, Then You Better Be Packin' Heat!

She’s Missing Her Lint Catcher

Brazilian models are best known for their exotic looks and amazing bodies! However, a nearly flawless exterior won’t exempt your modeling photos from being airbrushed. Want to know an insider secret? Over 90% of models have their photos digitally altered prior to gracing the cover of a magazine. It’s just part of the business. It’s what takes place after the lights of the photo shoot go dark. Photoshop is launched and the light flicker from an iMac screen is all that can be seen.

Playboy magazine editors were retouching the body curves of this Brazilian sports model, which appears to have been taken in the 80s (see photo above), and in the process "lost" her belly button! How can that even happen? A belly button on a girl with a nice flat stomach is one of the sexiest parts, or at least I think so. And if anyone should have a good understanding of a woman’s sexy parts, it is Playboy magazine, right? Apparently not so. The mistake went unnoticed and the magazine sold 605,000 copies that month.

Lots of readers got pissed off when they realized they were wasting money on fake pictures. Ahh, hello? Please tell me I’m not the only man alive who is aware that a model’s photos are “faked” to some degree. Are most guys really that clueless? And please tell me that every woman out there reading this knows that she will NEVER look like one of the girls on a magazine cover because those girls don’t even exist! Sure there is a real girl behind it, but you aren’t looking at her “real” body. In person, her skin does not look like porcelain. In person, her thighs don’t have one dimple of cellulite. And in person, her breasts do not assume a naturally perky position promptly under her chin. She has flaws, maybe not as many as some of us, but trust me, she is not flawless.

I often wonder why they put so much effort on Photoshopping their girls, when most of them need no retouching at all! I seriously doubt Playboy sales would go down at all if they stopped altering the photos. These girls are still gorgeous and let’s face it, men buy Playboy magazine for the articles anyway.

Related post of interest and a "must see video" depicting a TRUE model shoot.

• 10/18/06 The Real Beauty Campaign

Good Idea, Wrong Approach

Who was the genius that thought this up? Because they apparently didn’t think it thru. Click on the image for a larger view and see for yourself.

Something tells me that AIDS probably spread like a California wildfire thanks to the mastermind behind this marketing campaign. Way to go dumbass.

No Strings Sex

To some, the definition of a slut is a girl that openly admits she loves sex and enjoys having it with whomever without the obligatory cuddling. A girl that gets hers and then kicks his ass out of the bed ASAP. It’s 2007, most women are not as “hush hush” on the topic of sex that women of yesteryear were. So when actress Jessica Alba came clean to the press with her dirty side, guys everywhere stood up and applauded. Now sure, she may not be the kind of girl you would take home to Mom, but she definitely sounds like fun to me!

Jessica says she is up for a one-night stand, as long as the man leaves the next morning. (Isn’t that the point of a one-night stand? Get some and then get out? There’s no hanging around for OJ and eggs.) The curvy 23-year-old likes the idea of getting intimate with lots of different people because she loves experimenting in sex. (Amen!)

She told Cosmopolitan magazine…

“I just wanted to see what it was like to be with different people. I don't think a girl's a slut if she enjoys sex. I could have a one-night stand, and I'm the kind of girl who looks over in the morning and is like, 'Do you really have to be here?' I don't need to cuddle and do all that stuff because I know what it is and I don't try to make it more. I feel like a lot of women try to make it into more, so they don't feel so bad about just wanting to have sex. I don't really have a problem with just wanting sex. Never have. Even when I was a virgin and wanted to marry the first guy who I slept with, I never passed any judgments about that."

Now I’ve always hear of the name “Jessica Alba”, but I couldn’t tell you what the hell she’s in – movies, TV, I have no clue. Although now I’m going to take notice. I like how this girl thinks. Simply put, there needs to be more Jessicas in the world.

Related post of interest...

• 9/5/06 - One-Night Stand Etiquette (3 Credits)

***DISCLAIMER***
The author of this post is not promoting sexual promiscuity. He will though admit to having one night stands. However, he can honestly say he enjoys a more substantial and meaningful relationship with just one girl. And yes, he likes to cuddle. He may even go so far to admit that at times he has actually been ok with JUST cuddling. I know, I’m brave to say it out loud. Now I will shut up before I sound like a homosexual…not that there is anything wrong with being gay. Just thought I would throw that in.

The Kitty Cam

What do cats do all day? Eat, sleep, take a crap and then sleep some more. What a life. I read somewhere once that the average cat sleeps 22 hours a day! Now there are only 24 hours in a day so that leaves only 2 hours to eat and crap? Some would call that the life, others would call it a waste of life. No matter what you think of cats, you have to admit it would be rather interesting to see exactly what one of those fuzzy fur balls does all damn day, but not thru the eyes of an onlooker, but rather firsthand thru the kitty’s eyes.

Well, you’re in luck because a man has done just that. Apparently one engineer has entirely too much time on his hands as when decided to construct an actual “Kitty Cam”. The camera is mounted on the collar of Mr. Lee, his 4-legged feline companion. It captures the adventures (or lack of adventures) of Mr. Lee’s day and then several of the most interesting snapshots are uploaded to a website for all to see.

Mr. Lee has the hots for the cat next door. The sexy pussycat can be seen sitting on top of a brick wall and staring at her two suitors, a skinny scrappy black tomcat and Mr. Lee, a chubby half tabby with a white chest and face to match. Surprisingly, Mr. Lee seems to lead an eventful life. Sometimes he stays out all day and comes home hungry with fresh battle scars. Some nights he doesn't come home at all! Sing it with me…bow-chicka-bow-wow.

The photographs are pretty much of what you you'd expect - pictures of other cats, a longing look up at a birdhouse, and the underside of parked cars where he meets his friends/gang members. Yes, he has a kitty click that he rolls with, as any true player should.

Now I know what you are thinking. You’re saying this is an invasion of Mr. Lee’s privacy, right? Well no it’s not because I don’t believe there are any privacy laws that protect kitties from whoring themselves via netcam. And even if there was, a legal document couldn’t be signed that either forbid or permitted the use of the Kitty Cam because Mr. Lee has paws. No hands = no sign. So you see, all if fair and legal in the Kitty Cam world. If you disagree with this statement, then you are free to contact Mr. Lee’s attorney. However, I must inform you that his attorney is a cat as well and there is a very high chance that he is asleep and won’t be returning your call for 22 hours.

If you are interested in purchasing a Kitty Cam for your alley cat, Mr. Lee’s website is selling them for about $30. It is said that any cat will object a bit when you attach the camera, but after that they accept it…after they flip you off, of course. Now what are you waiting for? Go visit the photo gallery of Mr. Lee's Kitty Cam Adventures!

Redefining - "Beating The Sh*t Out Someone"

What are your feelings on dirty underwear? You’re probably not cool with it, right? And I’m not talking about your own dirty laundry. I’m talking about other people’s soiled briefs, boxers, panties, bras, gym socks, jock straps and more. Skid marks belonging to total strangers. Grossed out yet? Now imagine stinky, sweaty, filthy undergarments shoved in a bag and sold to you for top dollar! No, this is not some type of weird fetish specialty shop. This is Costco.

Rumor has it that the wholesale warehouse, Costco, is selling a punching bag that is filled with dirty underwear! Slice one of these bags open and what pours out will amaze you! Once this news gained media attention, Costco had to take a stance. Apparently, they’re not cool with underwear-filled punching bags either. This statement was taken from Costco’s website …

“We are issuing this voluntary recall notice for the TKO Sports Heavy Punching Bag with Speed Bag Combination, manufactured by TKO Sports, of Houston, TX. We have learned that the fill material in the heavy punching bag does not meet our high quality standards.”

Yeah, that's quite the understatement. If Costco's records reflect that you've purchased this bag, they're sending a box and UPS shipping label out to you right away. They're also sending you an Everlast punching bag (which in my boxing opinion is a far superior company) to replace the TKO one that is filled with used underwear.

Is there anything that would make this post any less gross? Maybe if it was not-so-used underwear punching bags? And who did they hire to pack the bags? Where did they get the underwear? Do these drawers belong to Texans, and if so, are there buttless chaps shoved in the bags as well? These are the unanswerable questions, or rather, I'd just prefer that they were not answered. If nothing else, this will make you think twice about the store where you can purchase ground beef and just two isles over you can pick up a new set of truck tires. Something just doesn’t seem right when you look at it that way.

Furthermore, it’s been brought to my attention that this recall is from June 23, 2005 and Costco has been on top of the dirty underwear punching bag epidemic for years! However, they’ve failed to do anything about it until now. Disgusting, in every sense of the word.

That’s Called Catch NOT Fetch. Totally Different Game.

I haven’t seen my sister since last Christmas. So when she recently came home for a visit, she was anxious to meet my new Bulldog pup Diesel. It was love at first sight as she couldn’t resist his waddle walk, excess skin wrinkles and of course those big brown puppy eyes.

Jen: “Does he play any games?”
Me: “Uh, yeah. He is a puppy. His life right now consists of nothing but playing. He will play fetch with you.”

(I hand her his ball.)

Jen: “He fetches? Ok. Here Diesel!”

She throws the ball directly at his flat wrinkly mug. It strikes him right between the eyes causing him to blink and tear up. His nose is now pushed more into his face than it was at birth. He sits there with a stunned, dumbfound look upon his puppy pus. He has no idea what just happened. He thought she was going to play FETCH with him.

Me: “What are you doing! Are you trying to kill him?”
Jen: “You said he can fetch.”
Me: “Yeah, FETCH. What you did is called CATCH. Catch = throw to. Fetch = throw away. It’s a totally different game.”
Jen: “Oooh. Sorry. Is he ok?”
Me: “As soon as I dig the bits of embedded rubber out of his skull he should be fine.”

For those unaware, like my sister, fetch consists of the human throwing a ball AWAY FROM the dog and the dog going out to retrieve it. Instead she confuses FETCH with CATCH and throws directly at Diesel who was in no way prepared to catch a fastball between his pupils. The next time my sister comes home for a visit, I will make sure my puppy knows how to play catch because I don’t think I could teach my sister how to play fetch.

Moral of the story…you can’t teach an older sister new tricks, but you can a dog.

Eh Oh, Fuhgedaboudit

Bada Boom. Bada Bing. It ended without a Bada Bang, the series finale of The Sopranos. We, know, we know. You hated the ending. It’s all people have been talking about for 3 straight days now! Can we all just forget about it and move on already? I mean, I’m as disappointed as the next guy, but bitching about it isn’t going to change anything. So unless you can put a hit out on the director of The Sopranos, wack the mother f*cker and dispose of his body in the Hudson River, then I suggest you just shut your hole. Despite the lack luster finale, I can say one good thing. Over the course of 6 years, we got to see that Meadow Soprano blossom into a major hottie!

You knew that once you got into this family, there was no getting out. You were hooked. You were a diehard Sopranos fan just like me. And now you are left. Left feeling hungry for more. Now you know what it feels like to be head of the Mafia – always hungry for more and frustrated when more doesn’t come.

To remedy the problem, I don’t suggest counseling with Dr. Melfi. I don’t even suggest banging a one legged Russian chick. Instead I suggest you get yourself a nice big plate of canolies and have a sit down with all the other disgruntled Sopranos fans. Clear the air, hug and fuhgedaboudit. Just remember…

“Mama always said you'd be the Chosen One. You're one in a million you've got that shotgun shine. Born under a bad sign, with a blue moon in your eyes. You got yourself a gun.”

In Memory Of Huniii

I was shocked and sadden to learn a friend of mine passed away this weekend from lung cancer. Huniii was just 26-years-old. She leaves behind a mother, a father, 2 sisters, numerous friends and a 5-year-old son. You may have found her blog thru mine, or found me thru hers. But if you knew her, there is no doubt she made you laugh. Her honest and witty writing would draw you in and keep you coming back to read more. She had that talent...and the talent to make me laugh. Huniii, you will be greatly missed.

Below is an exert from her blog. You can see why I could relate to her.

"This is my blog. I write it for my benefit. If you get something from reading it, then more power to you. Even if its just to piss yourself laughing at my crapness. I will not write something in here for the sole reason that you want me to. I will not omit something in here because you dont want me to write it.

I dont always express myself perfectly. Writing is particularly hard because it can be interpreted so many different ways, 90% of which depend on the READER not the WRITER. If you have an issue with anything I write here, double check with me that you read it how I intended. We may have had a misunderstanding.

I take ownership of what I write."

I’m leaving the link to Huniii’s blog up, so for those of you who didn’t have the opportunity to know her, can enjoy the words she left behind. And laugh. Laugh alot because that’s most likely what Huniii would of wanted.

I Don’t Like Him

I don’t really know him, but I don’t like him. It’s as simple as that. It might sound unfair. It might sound childish. But it is what it is and I won’t deny its truth. A hint of jealousy may ring thru when I mutter the words - I don’t like him. You might want to know why. One day you may even ask why…and if you do, my answer will be simple. I don’t like him because he likes you.

To Read Me Is To Love Me

No one cares about my blog, or is it just that no one reads it? You can’t care about something you don’t know exists and there lies my problem. I switched URLs. I thought it was a good move, but in hindsight I see it may have been a mistake. Search engines lost me. I have to once again register my website with Goggle, Yahoo, MSN and others. I do this with hope that my little corner in cyberspace will once again appear in search results. Broken links float thru the World Wide Web from those that did link to me, but have yet to update to my new address. I’m not one to scrutinize and obsess over Site Meter statistics, but I can’t help noticing a drastic and abrupt drop. I’ve gone from 100+ visitors a day to averaging just 20 hits a day. It’s pathetic and a little disheartening. Now don’t cue the violin music for me just yet as I do have something positive to say…

I’m not looking for Blogosphere Fame, if such a thing even exists. I don’t write for other people. I write for myself, as an expression of myself. So I guess it doesn’t really matter if anyone reads me. Of course it’s nice if they do and even better if they enjoy the time they spent doing so. And to think they heart me so much that they would come back to read more, on another day! That, that right there leaves my skin feeling like it’s covered in a layer of warm fuzzies. (deep sigh)

It’s the old cliché, I blog therefore I am. It’s true for me, to a certain degree, although it doesn’t consume thee. (Like that rhyme? Don’t worry, I promise not to do it all the time.) Blogging doesn’t define me as a person, but it is a part of me. The words I write…er, type. This is me – the good, the bad and the ugly.

Oh crap. Now I realize why no one is reading me – the lame rhymes. I must resist the urge to rhyme in a moronic-like fashion. I think I can do that. My next post will be better...or so I'll try.

Man May Never Fully Evolve

Need more proof that we are closely related to monkeys? In both man and beast, primitive needs must be met. They include food, shelter and of course sex. Primates of yesteryear share many of the same wants and needs of today’s modern man, although we may never fully evolve past the BJ…and personally, I wouldn’t want to.

Every time I go to the zoo, there is always one perverted orangutan jerking it for the 2nd grade field trip class. I can't help but giggle as teachers and field trip Moms scammer to shield young innocent eyes from the dirty exhibitionist on display. Now is anyone really surprised to see monkeys engaging in oral sex? After all, they’ve always had an obession with the banana. Think about it.

Click on the photo for a closer look at the monkey's face. It's priceless!