Pitbull Attack

My English Bulldog puppy is a lover, not a fighter. He doesn’t provoke a fight, but at the same time, he won’t back down if picked on. Initially, I thought that was a good thing. It’s how I live my own life. In hindsight, it’s not always such a smart approach. You see, he is fearless. Well fearless with the exception of the overwhelming terror that consumes him when he sees a butterfly, ladybug or goldfish. Don’t laugh. Those are all very colorful and gentle creatures = extremely dangerous! Do you know how many people die yearly from butterfly, ladybug and goldfish attacks? I’m sure it’s hundreds of thousands, not to mention all those excruciating injury cases that go unreported. Oh...and he’s not a frog fan either. In his defense, they do make scary burpy noises and jump obscene distances. They’re like freaks of nature. Now with that said, he never chooses his battles, but he often finds himself forced to do battle with a canine opponent more than double his weight and 3x his size! They aren’t exactly fair fights, so it’s not surprising that his fight record is a little lopsided. Ok, he’s 0-2 and he’s come out bleeding both times. And the first person to even snicker at that better lace up their gloves and step into the ring with me because I will defend my little buddy and his good reputation to the bitter death.

With an angel-like glow hovering above his head,
he comforts himself by sucking his thumb.

Bulldogs, Pitbulls, Dobermans, Rottweilers and German Shepherds are all fighting breeds. Every dog was originally bred for some type of purpose. English Bulldogs were bred to take down and kill bulls – 2,000 lbs bulls! Nothing is braver than a dog that stands just a foot tall that is willing and eager to do battle with a 2,000 lbs raging bull with massive horns just waiting to spear him alive! Now I can’t speak for other breeds, but I know that Bulldogs have had that "aggression" bred out of them over the years. Today they are known to be good tempered, loveable chunks of meat with giant hearts. However, they have retained their fierce loyalty and courageous spirit. So courageous in fact that I sometimes question if his bravery is borderline stupid. Dogs aren’t like people. They don’t have the ability to reason. Therefore dogs don’t try to talk it thru first. They live in the moment. And if a dog wants to scrap, he will scrap.

Unfortunately for my pup, he's been having to scrap a lot lately. Last week it was with a Doberman over a stick. And last night, it was with a Pitbull over a stick. See the pattern here? My dog loves sticks. There’s no denying him that love and if you try to steal it away from him, be prepared. He’s a dominant dog. He’s not going to give it up. I repeat, he is NOT going to give it up! He’s stubborn, like his old man. So if you try pulling it out of his mouth, he’s just going to pull back. It’s a game to him. He isn’t harboring any ill feelings towards you. He means no harm. It’s just that he found it first and it’s his stick. Plain and simple. Why can’t other dogs respect that? Know your boundaries and don’t overstep them. Those are the rules. Abide by them.

I have nothing against Pitbulls. Actually some of the sweetest dogs I know are Pitbulls, but it depends on how you raise them. I can’t emphasize that enough. That goes for any dog really. You can even turn a toy Poodle mean if you treat it bad. But when you have a dog that is a "fighting breed" to begin with, your leadership is key. The owner has to be the alpha dog and the dog has to not only respect you, but other people and animals as well. Clearly the girl who owns this Pitbull does not have the dog’s respect. She can’t handle him because she has no leadership skills. If you ask me, she shouldn’t even have a dog, especially an unneutered Pitbull. I’m sorry, but there is no reason that dog should still have his balls. The build-up of testosterone only helps fuel his dominate and aggressive behavior. And the last thing this world needs is more Pitbulls breeding! The shelters are overflowing with unwanted dogs as it is, especially Pitbulls.

It’s an accident just waiting to happen. And the dog is just waiting to strike, to have a reason to fight. He ran around trying to butt fuck every dog in the park to display his dominance. The Pitbull’s owner just sat and watched, literally like a bump on a rock, as her dog had freewill over the park. He even tea bagged my dog! Alright, I’ll admit it was disrespectful for him to rest his balls on my dog’s forehead, but it was slightly humorous too. Besides, dogs greet one another by sniffing asses. It’s what they do. However, when the Pitbull tried to get some "doggie style" action going with my dog, he was having none of it! Look, my dog isn’t gay. You aren’t going to have a party with his a-noose (that is Borat for "anus").

Fast forward to 20 minutes later, I notice my dog has a stick. He’s minding his own business, playing all by himself and being a good boy until along comes the butt fucking Pitbull and tries to take the stick off of Diesel! Oh no, that isn’t going to happen. So before I could break up the tug-of-war, the lazy owner finally decides she’s going to get up off her butt and do something about it. Of course she goes about it all wrong and tears the stick out of her dog’s mouth. That immediately pisses the Pitbull off and he bites my dog in the face out of anger when he should have really bit his owner! She quickly leashes her dog up knowing full well that my dog obviously got bit and wants to leave the park before I notice what happened. I yell to her to hold on so I can check my dog’s injuries. He turns to me with his eye full of blood! At this point I’m not only extremely pissed off, I’m also really worried about my dog since he just had a $3,000 eye surgery 2 months ago! I rinse his eye out until his blood is now pouring down my forearm and leg. Luckily the Pitbull JUST missed my dog’s eyeball and sliced him open on the lower lid and between the folds around his nose. He didn’t need stitches and seems to be healing up today.

If I ever run into them again, I think I’ll slap the shit out of her and neuter her dog with my bare hands. Moral of the story – hurt my dog and I’ll see to it that I hurt you worse.

The Dying Man Who Taught Me How To Live

After a hard fought battle with pancreatic cancer, Dr. Randy Pausch has passed away this morning at the age of 47. He leaves behind his wife and 3 young children. He was one of my CMU professors and although he never wore a red cape, I saw him as my "hero", right next to my Dad. He was truly an inspirational man and one that will be greatly missed.

1960-2008

Randy Pausch is best known for his "Last Lecture" given at Carnegie Mellon University and for his numerous television appearances, including Oprah and Dateline, where he not only taught the world how to live, but how to live life to the fullest and with no regrets.

Watch "The Last Lecture" Here

Sandbox

I could have met her in a sandbox. I could have passed her on the sidewalk. Would I have even known back then? Most likely not, but then some things come up that make me wonder if I actually knew of her, but didn’t know her. Could that be possible? I imagine we would be fighting over who gets the shovel and who gets the pale. Who scoops the sand and who builds the castle. I can see us pouring mounds of wet, grainy sand on one another’s tiny toes just to be spiteful. To see who would cry first. Who could hold out from throwing a full fledged temper tantrum, or at least a good foot stomping and pouting session. Even all grown-up, the level of maturity between is just outstanding. The only thing missing is the classic lines of..."I know you are, but what am I?" "I’m rubber and you’re glue..." "Sticks and stones may break my bones, but..."

Need proof? This is part of our conversation last night, obviously these aren’t our real screen names...

A Boy That Is Me (12:24:52 AM): that's mean
A Girl That Is She (12:24:59 AM): youre mean
A Boy That Is Me (12:25:03 AM): I'm not mean
A Girl That Is She (12:25:10 AM): im not mean either

Let's be a little more mature, or rather "pretend" to act a little more mature. I promise to stop acting like a dumb boy if you promise to stop acting like a silly girl. Fair enough? Ok, who am I kidding? Immaturity is our thing. We laugh at poop jokes. We share a sense of humor equal to that of two 10-year-old boys.

I don’t like fighting, but I’ll admit that I’ve tried to purposely pick a fight with her before simply to have make-up sex. And yes, I know that's wrong, but I do it anyway. The thing is, she never falls for it, never! She’s always ontop of my game. I love and hate that. I’m not used to being outwitted, but with her, I’ve met my match. If that’s not bad enough, she’s exploiting my weakness by using it against me! My weakness being her. Damn smart woman. And damn their clever ways. And the allure of their perfume, their soft skin, how they giggle. Oops, sorry. I got carried away there.

If we were back in grade school right now, I would be pulling your pigtails and you would be kicking me in the shin. Or maybe you would chase me around the playground and throw rocks at me for being a stupid boy. Or would you resort to just spitting on me? In return I would be pushing you to the ground when no one was looking, but secretly hoping you didn’t scrape your knee. No matter how the hostility unfolded, deep down we would know the truth as to why we both do it. All the meanness is just a mask. You know I would always pick you first for my kickball team, even if you did suck. So go ahead. You can confess now too. The reality is you adore me. And it’s me that is made of sugar and spice and everything nice. Girls are made of snakes and snails and puppy-dog tails. Right? Just nod your head yes so we can stop fighting now and get to the make-up sex. We will both feel better after. Trust me.

Friend Request Or A Fuck Request?

I have a MySpace account. I know, I know. Giggle, point, snicker. I get it, ok. I’m a dork. I know all the "cool kids" moved to Facebook, but honestly, I was never really into the whole social networking scene. I never got hooked on Friendster. I don’t have a Twitter account. And I doubt I’ll ever pack up and move to Facebook, but I do have a MySpace. Ever since my friends nagged and peer pressured me into signing up on MySpace, I’ve received a slew of very disturbing people contacting me. Not long ago I had a gay dude trying to lure me into "hanging out" with him, which in my mind screamed DATE...or more to the point, f-me! Now I have nothing against gay guys, but I don’t want to date, bang or spoon a dude (any dude, gay or straight). I’m sorry if that hurts some people’s feelings, but that’s just how it is and no matter how much you sweet talk me, I’m just not being persuaded to try it. And when you tell me you have some candy in your pants, I’m so not being lured into that trick! I fell for it one too many times. Nice try, but no. Seriously, no! And stop feeding me a massive amount of man compliments. It’s making my skin crawl and the only way I can comfort myself is scrubbing my body down with a wire brush soaked in straight bleach. But still, you make me feel dirty. I don’t want to be your boy toy. So please quit.

These are the only 2 photos I can show. The rest were too graphic.

I could write an entire book filled with all the creepy people I’ve encountered in my lifetime. Some of the stories are quite ridiculous and rather unbelievable. Although they are all true, that’s the scary part. Perhaps I’ll share a few of those stories here on the blog, but that’s for another day and another time. For now, let’s focus on the latest Friend Request I received on MySpace just tonight. I give you Kim and Kelly...

About me:
ME AND KELLY ARE LOOKING FOR GUYS TO GET CHECKED OUT BY ANOTHER COUPLE ~~~~~~~~~~~~~ WHICH ENVOLVES GOING TO ANOTHER COUPLES PLACE WATCH 2 MOVIES OF US IN ACTION FROM OUR SWINGER S CLUBS THAT WE GO TO!~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ IF YOU LOVE WHAT YOU SEE AND WANT TO HOOK UP WITH US LET THEM THE OTHER COUPLE GET 2 SHOTS OF YOU NAKED NECK DOWN TO PROVE TO US THAT WE ARE GETTING WHAT YOU SENT US AS FAR AS PICS! AND IF YOU ARE THEN WE FUCK YOUR BRAINS OUT IF YOU ARE NOT WHAT YOU SENT US CAUSE YOU LIED THEN FORGET IT!

Who I'd like to meet:
WE ARE ALSO LOOKING FOR A GUY TO TAKE TO OUR SWING CLUBS~~~~~~~~~~ AND IF WE TAKE YOU TO OUR KIND OF SWINGERS CLUBS..~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ YOU MUST BE DOWN FOR ANYONE THERE ORALLY SUCKING YOU OFF TO COMPLETION! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ YOU DONT HAVE TO GIVE BACK, BUT MUST BE DOWN FOR GETTING SUCKED OFF! THAT S THE DEAL SEXY!

Do I seem like the type of guy who would want a bunch of horny hotties fighting over who goes down on me first? What man would want that? That’s just disgusting! I’m offended she would even offer. There is probably girl-on-girl kissing involved in these parties too. It just turns my stomach. Lesbians who want to fuck my brains out? The more I think about this, the more disgusted I get. I’m totally sending my naked neck down pics right now! I’m kidding, obviously.

Hmm. Maybe I am gay because instead of feeling excited that some unknown slutty bisexual girls want to suck me off, I’ve focused more on her bad grammer, spelling and how she shouts in all caps. And don’t ask me what the squiggly lines are all about. Your guess is as good as mine. Oh...and am I the only one who’s afraid if I actually answered her invite that a bunch of gay dudes would be there in buttless chaps and chains waiting to molest me? I get so scared sometimes. I think I need a hug, not from a dude though.

Related posts of interest...
03/20/07 - I'm Being Propositioned To Do A Porno?
10/2/06 - The Booty Call Surprise

Less Than 5 Days To Keep Her

"I need someone to talk me out of making another life altering, spur of the moment decision."

That’s what she told me last night. She’s seriously contemplating moving back to DC and she needs to make her decision final by Monday. By Monday? Monday! That doesn’t give me much time. I have less than 5 days to keep her. To try and convince her that me, Mr. Spontaneous, doesn’t want her to act spontaneously. I want her to hesitate. Think for a minute, or rather 5 days.

When she told me, my stomach felt a little queasy. I got all nervous/panicky and sort of depressed. That alone should say something. I have less than 5 days (just 120 hours) to win her over with my "awesomeness"...or instill some "awesomeness" in me and fast! I’m usually good under pressure. So if there was ever a time to shine, it’s probably now. Usually when I’m debating a major life changing decision, I weigh out the pros and cons. I often do so by compiling a list of those pros and cons. That way I have something concrete to work with, something to look at objectively and with an open mind. I'm then able to gather my thoughts, while factoring in both the pros and cons, and make the best decision I can.

There is no doubt I want her to be happy. So I can be mature about this and say that she should do what makes her happy, regardless of what anyone says, including me. Of course I'm not encouraging her to leave. In fact, it’s the total opposite. I’m practically begging her to stay. Ok, I’m not really on my knees begging because that would be pathetic. But there’s nothing wrong with some strong persuading, is there? Even if I can’t get her to see it my way, I promise I won’t plunge from a 15 story building if she decides to move to DC. I will live on, with a long sad face and a pouty lip of course.

Like I said, I definitely would like her to stick around for awhile, but that's for my own selfish reasons. I feel wrong trying to talk her out of moving, but I do want to talk her out of it. And I think she secretly wants me to talk her out of it too, otherwise she wouldn’t have asked, right? Therefore I’ve decided to make a list of the "Top 10 Reasons You Shouldn’t Move". You’ll notice I’m not including a list of the "Top Ten Reasons You Should Move". That’s simply because that would be extremely stupid of me. Perhaps my list is a bit biased and one-sided, but how else am I going to convince her that a move would be the wrong move. Stay. Not just because I want you to, but because you want to also.

Top 10 Reasons You Shouldn’t Move
1. Because you give me warm fuzzies and make my dog swoon with a bouquet of sticks.

2. Because you look AMAZING in lingerie and you have the ability to turn me on in an instant. It would be just plain cruel to take away that tickle in my pants.

3. Because who else is going to keep me up until 4am on a Tuesday night?

4. Because you aren’t afraid to stand up for yourself and tell me when I’m acting like an a-hole. I bet you didn’t know I actually like that, admire that.

5. Because you are drama-free. Fun. Simple. Silly. Sexy. And so much more. That girl doesn’t usually exist.

6. Because the facts are clear...since you’ve come along, I’ve found myself smiling more and feeling happier than I have in quite awhile. Thank you. Really. Thank you.

7. Because I would like to brag to my Mom about you in the near future.

8. Because according to you, "I haven’t completely swept you off your feet yet." So we have unfinished business.

9. Because I can make you feel happy here. You don’t have to move to be happy. It’s not always about the location or what you are doing. Sometimes it’s just about the company you find yourself with that brings happiness.

10. Because DC isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. Remember your last trip?

Empower Your Inner Geek

So I’m a geek. Well, a "tech geek", but not a geek-geek. Despite the fact I’m a tech geek, I try not to be a snob with my abundance of geek knowledge and know-how. Get it? I sounded like a gloating pretentious prick there on purpose to get my point across. Geeks, for the most part, have a tendency to get a little uppity. They don’t always do it on purpose. Some are completely unaware they are coming off as all hoity-toity. It’s just that many geeks have a problem relating to people who don’t share their love of electronics. They have a problem "dumbing it down", if you will, for the average Joe. As a tech geek, I can honestly say that it does get frustrating trying to explain over and over again to my Dad why his computer is so slow. Um, because it’s filled with porn, adware, viruses and it’s just overall bloated. Not to mention the system was built 10 years ago and you are STILL on dial-up! Dad, it’s 2008. Let’s get with the times.

See what it's come to? Headset-to-cellphone pairing is so utterly baffling to average consumers that you can now hand over $10 to Best Buys stores in California (in support of the new hands-free calling while driving law) just to avoid the procedure. Seriously, it’s not that hard to pair your Bluetooth devices. If you have a finger and you can push a button, you can do it. There’s no math involved, no formulas to solve. There’s no crazy amount of complicated steps to follow. It’s just push and release. Then watch it light up. It’s like poking a baby in the belly. It just amazes me that 8 years after the launch of the world's first Bluetooth headset from Ericsson and this is where we're at, still.

Despite the fact that technology is playing a bigger role in our everyday lives today more than ever before, some people out there still fear it. They still loath it. They don’t want to change or adapt. And they don’t care to learn the ins and outs of their latest gadget. They just want it to work. Plain and simple. Whether you have a tech-phobia or computers and electronic gadgets just hate you, there is never a geek too far away to help. A geek there to lend a hand and help empower the geek within you. We all have an inner geek, whether we want to admit it or not. The trick is just figuring out how to unleash your inner geek.

I have no problem helping my friends, family and even co-workers out with their computer problems and gadget goodies. Although I do have a problem when the only time my family calls me is when they "need something" – need me to answer a tech question, need me to watch my niece for an evening, need me to help Dad with opening the pool. Whatever happened to calling me up just to say hi, how are you? That’s when being the go-to guy sucks. Otherwise, I’m more than happy to help. I’ll even teach you how to do it if you want, or if you prefer for me to just take care of it for you, I can do that too.

I think it’s good to empower the geek within you. That way you don’t have to rely on someone else. You don’t have to fork over your hard earned cash to a pimple faced 19-year-old kid behind the Geek Squad counter. I understand the kid needs a summer job, but wouldn’t it feel good to say..."I did it myself! I figured it out myself!" That geek gloat feels good, doesn’t it? See that, I knew you had it in you. And I knew you could do it. You empowered your inner geek.

And a special congratulations goes out to my tech-challenged cutie that single handily configured her wireless network all on her own this morning! That makes me proud. But, feel free to have your morbidly obese feline friend lay on your router and f it up again. That way I’ll have legit sounding excuse to stop over for a nooner.

Watch My Ducati 999r Beat a Lambo!

It’s an Italian showdown - Superbike vs Supercar. To many, the winner is surprising. To me, I'm not really surprised. Ok, so this isn’t "my actual bike" in the video, but it’s the same bike I have and ride/race on a regular basis. And most likely will be the very bike I one day kill myself on. (Sorry, I know, bad joke.) My friends refer to it as "sex on 2 wheels" and yes it is a damn sexy bike, but unleashing the beast's full power is what really gives you that orgasimic-like rush! They don't call them "crotch rockets" for nothing, right?

Now if I can only get the attention of the guy that drives by my house every weekend in his black Lamborghini Gallardo. I am DYING to race him!

Oh and Mom, if you are reading this...you didn’t just hear that.

I Wanna Make Sexy Time With An iPhone 3G

Guess what? The new iPhone 3G is finally here and went on sale today! Ok, now go change your shorts because I’m sure you just peed them due to overwhelming excitement. Some people have been camping outside Apple stores around the world since last week to be the very first geeks to own the new cell phone...and with it, a priceless sense of self-satisfaction. Who wouldn’t want to be top geek for a day? If you’re not a tech whore like me with in insatiable lust for gadgets, you just wouldn’t understand. Now with that said, perhaps I should remove my tech whore crown because I did not pick up an iPhone 3G today. Nope, I suppressed my urges. I suppressed my urges because I am still under a 2-year contract with Verizon that doesn’t end until this December. I know, I suck, but I’ll be making the switch soon enough.

One of the reasons I never purchased an iPhone in the past is because like most technology, it’s always best to hold off on the first version. First versions always have bugs and it takes some time to work out these bugs. Also, second versions always have a couple extra goodies added that the original version should have included, but didn’t. Another reason I never bought an iPhone is because I’m afraid I’ll become addicted to having my e-mail and the Internet on the go 24/7. Sometimes I wonder if it’s healthy to be that connected to the world. I have Crackberry friends and they sleep with their smart phones! Not naming any names, ahem. I figure if I really want to tear her away from her Crackberry, I’ll just drop it down my pants. Then if she really wants it, she will have to go get it. ("it" meaning the Crackberry, or do I mean...?)

So the diehards surged forth at 8am to purchase the next generation iPhone, the 3G. While the lines didn’t seem as long as last year, the feeling of desperation was considerably thicker. Apple employees stood outside the doors cheering on geeks as if it were a high school pep rally and the home team was a geek bearing a shiny new phone. Customers slowly began trickling out with phones in hand, but many walked out a little unhappy due to a slew of problems. Much like last year when the original iPhone was released, users are having AT&T service issues. However, new problems have risen with the 3G including the Apple Web apps page being down and the Apple firmware update not being accessible. Some people have even begun reporting an iPhone shortage at select stores. Oh, the horror!

Though nothing could match the euphoria of the very first iPhone release last year, the 3G does have plenty of exciting new features, even if according to some high demanding geeks it falls a little short. But for the most part, it does everything you could ever possibly dream of, except for making you pancakes and rubbing your balls. Hey, but the good news is that you can use your new iPhone 3G to call someone up to do just that! Or text or e-mail. The possibilities are endless.

You can even use the built-in GPS to locate her and return the booty call favor the next night. And while you’re at it, why not download some Barry White from iTunes to use as your very own homemade porno soundtrack. Don’t forget the iPhone 3G has a 2.0 megapixel camera. So you can snap photos and take videos...and you know what to do with all that great multimedia after, right? Exactly. Upload it to the web from from your iPhone. Ahh, life is good and it’s only going to get better once I lay hands on my very own iPhone 3G. Speaking of which, can I really overcome the fingerprints of a touchscreen phone? Ugh. Why must I be such a neat and clean freak?

Smothered In Kisses

Ever wonder what it looks like when English Bulldogs attack? Well wonder no more because here are some up close and personal views of what it looks like thru the eyes of a victim, me, when his beloved Bulldog mauls his master! I’ve learned a lesson here. You can’t go away to NYC for a solid week, then return home only to work three 12-hour workdays back to back and not expect to pay the piper when you finally sit down on your couch at night. Rest and relaxation is just not going to happen. He will be there. And he will be waiting.

(Sorry for the grainy cell phone photo gallery.)

I don’t mind being smothered in kisses, even if they really are sloppy wet Bulldog kisses. Although he wrestled me to the point where I was actually sweating! He’s a strong little guy, I’ll give him that. Once I finally got him to settle down and his massive kissing attack ended, we had our usual 9:00 couch cuddle session. It’s actually my favorite part of the day.

Women Never Cease To Baffle Me

She calls it "insincere hand holding". It’s the term she has given the action in which a boy tries to hold her hand, a boy she feels does not have strong enough feelings for her yet to justify this move. It comes across as insincere to her. And she doesn’t believe in "insincere hand holding". She’s actually very opposed to it and doesn’t seem comfortable with it until...well I’m not really sure how long a guy needs to wait until she feels comfortable with holding his hand. That question you would have to ask her. You see, I’m very much baffled by all of this. I’ll admit I laughed when she told me long ago that she doesn’t like holding hands. Oops, correction, she doesn’t like holding hands with a guy until his intentions have been validated? I can’t speak for her on exactly what she means. I’m still fuzzy on the details of this rule myself. To me, I don’t see the big deal. Hand holding isn’t like going to 3rd base. And nobody has ever gotten pregnant from holding hands, especially if you wear rubber gloves.

I like the fact that sincerity is important to her in a relationship. I may not agree with her hand holding policy, but I agree 100% with her that sincerity in any type of relationship is key. And for that, I can’t knock her, but I can give her a hard time about the "insincere hand holding".

-------------------------
To: David
From: ******
Date: Jul 7, 2008 9:01 PM
Subject: attack by a hand holder

I thought you should know I went on a last minute date the night we talked about the hand holding, and the guy tried to hold my hand-on the first date! Can you believe it?!

To: ******
From: David
Date: Jul 7, 2008 9:32 PM
Subject: RE: attack by a hand holder

OMG! The nerve of that guy! Trying to hold your hand...and on the first date! What the hell was he thinking? I hope you won't be going out with that fast mover again.
-------------------------

You would think that by 2008 I would finally understand women completely. Hah. Not a chance. Although I think I have a fairly good grasp in understanding this beautiful and intriguing creature we call woman. At least I have a better grasp on it than most men, or so I feel. Growing up with 2 older sisters and having a fair number of female friends helps immensely. But still, there are times when I am left scratching my head. Times when I pounder if we are even speaking the same language. Sometimes woman are just so completely different from men that I often question if we walk the same planet. They will throw me curveballs and say things so far out in left field that I can’t do anything but stand there with that "huh" look on my face. I’m left speechless and totally baffled.

Such is the recent baffling case of "C". (If you haven’t notice, I always protect the identity of people I write about in my posts.) I’ve learned that she doesn’t like guys that hold the door open for her. Not a car door, not a restaurant door, not any door. This really threw me off because her father always opens doors for her and I would think she would just be accustom to it by now, but apparently not. I always thought girls tend to dates guys similar to their fathers, in terms of how they treat them. So if her father is well mannered, I would think it’s only natural that she would want to date a guy that also had good manners, who was gentleman-like towards her. No? I don’t know. It surprised me to hear and it also made me a little nervous considering the fact that I’m going to find it rather difficult to curb my behavior around her. Brought up I was taught that opening a door for a girl is just what you do. I’ve done it this way for so long that it’s almost instinctual for me. I don’t give it much thought, but I’ll have to think about not doing it around her. This is going to be hard. Thank God I have the physical part figured out, because the mental and emotional parts of a woman may forever be a work in progress.

She also tells me she likes guys that are nice to her, but not TOO nice. Actually, believe it or not, that one didn’t confuse me too much because I think I know what she means! I do give her compliments here and there, but just to make sure I don’t cross over into the "too nice of a guy" category, I try to mix it up. I’ll throw in the occasional "go fuck yourself" if I ever find myself gushing on her just a bit too much. Only she would giggle at that and it’s why she’s so great – she gets me and my goofy sense of humor.

And then there’s the girl who just the other week tells me "I love you" and in the next breath, says "I love you like a friend." Umm, huh? What the f*ck is that supposed to mean? I have lots of female friends and not a single one has ever told me they love me, not as a buddy and not romantically. Talk about sending a guy a mixed message! I just toss that one into the "ok, whatever" pile. It makes my brain hurt trying to make sense out of something like that. And women think men are hard to understand! Seriously? I totally disagree. We are by far the simpler sex to decode and decipher. Men only need 3 things to survive and be happy in life – food, sex, silence. And that’s it. And that’s all. Fuck us. Feed us. And leave us the fuck alone. It just can’t get any easier than that, right? Ok, obviously on some of this I’m kidding or exaggerating just a tad. Although for the most part, when it comes to relationships, almost any question a woman has about a man I can answer with one phrase...he’s just not that into you. Does it hurt to hear? Probably yes. And is it the cold hard truth of the matter? More times than not it is.

So I ask you, the women that read my blog, do you have any type of weird rule or dislike or super confusing statement that you would like to share with me and all of mankind? Help us understand you so we can stop roaming the streets with this "huh" look on our faces.

Related post of interest...
05/31/06 Things That Make Me Go Hmm

First-Ever Vagina Spa

Do you have a depressed vagina? Perhaps it just needs more attention. Or maybe the problem is that your vagina is lazy and out of shape...which would also explain why it’s not getting much attention. If your vagina is frowning, there’s no reason you can’t turn that frown upside down and whip that girl back to the tight little lair it once was. If your vagina needs toned and trimmed, then you're in luck! New York City's first spa "wholly dedicated to strengthening and grooming a woman's genital area" is slated to open this month! I know your vagina is starting to grin with delight already.

The spa is called Phit, which is a made-up, medical-sounding acronym that means "pelvic health integrated techniques". (Oh, sounds fancy!) The spa's flagship service is its $150 gynecological exam, in which a client contracts her pelvic muscles around a doctor's fingers in order to determine whether the muscle tone is weak, moderate, or strong. And no, I’m not making this up. And yes, I’ve already sent in my resume for the doctor position. There’s no word on whether or not the spa offers a "happy ending", but if I get hired, I’m willing to offer it to select customers - a la carte of course.

For additional fees, you can also get your kitty-kat hooked up to an electrostimulation machine, train with a private Kegels exercise coach (AKA, sexercise) or even undergo "nonsurgical labial conturing" to restore labial and vulvar contour to a plump firmness. They even offer the trademarked Kegelmaster device. Don’t know what this is? Well you aren’t alone because I didn't know what it was either. But thanks to Google, I do now! The Kegelmaster is a specially designed device that rapidly improves your vaginal muscle strength by using dynamic progressive resistance. The goal of the Kegelmaster is to not only improve your sex life, but also give you a healthier, happier va-jay-jay. And who doesn’t want their naughty place to be healthier, happier and loved? Although personally, I think the Kegelmaster looks like the love child from a steamy threesome between a tampon, a plastic dildo and a carrot peeler.

Thankfully, I have yet to come across a vagina that could benefit from this spa’s services. I’m thinking this spa is geared more to the older woman with sagging parts or those that have experienced natural child birth and are not as tight and as firm as the single 20-something-year-old. Mmm. I love 20-something-year-old girls. And I really love 20-something-year-old gymnasts and dancers. Oooh yeaaah. Oops, I’m sorry. Where were we? Oh yes, the spa. Anyway...

Some doctors are calling bullshit on whether these services actually work, but the founder, Dr. Lauri Romanzi, is very confident that Kegels and the like are a requisite for having healthy, properly functioning ladybits! "If you can vote and you have a vagina, you should do these", she claims of vagina-tightening exercises. She also goes on to state that..."it's the dental floss of feminine fitness." You hear that, girls? Now go on and get your floss on and let your vagina smile.

A Prayer To The Poop Gods

Why is it that it always takes a tragedy to strike before people start believing, or rather hoping, in the power of prayer? The power to heal. The power to save. It seems to be the last resort when we are asking for a miracle. We desperately search for possible solutions to the problem, apply those solutions and then douse it with a showering of prayers. Sometimes it works. Sometimes it doesn’t work. We always follow the path that seems best, that has the greatest chance of providing the desired outcome. And sometimes we win and sometimes we lose. But in the end, when all else fails, did we just not pray hard enough or was it fate? I’m not trying to dive into a religious discussion or debate. I don’t even know if I would call myself a religious person these days, despite being brought up Catholic. I often wonder though, because I seldom go to church anymore, would God even listen to me if I prayed? I’m starting to think that praying or believing in any form of religion is more about providing yourself with emotional strength, rather than opening up some type of spiritual vessel in which God flows inside of you. Honestly, I don’t care what religion people affiliate themselves with or what they do or don’t believe in. I say if it works for you, then that is all that matters. I find religion to be personal and not something I need to stand ontop of a mountain and proclaim as my faith.

I always find it rather humorous that locked up serial killers have a way of "finding God" after committing heinous crimes! I think it’s more of a way for them to grasp onto something good and occupy their time with, than a true life altering religious experience and a new way of being. I suppose "finding God" in a prison yard is a more tangible experience than dropping the soap. I too would be doing a lot of praying in my cell if my life consisted of shanking and soap dropping. Thankfully, I don’t live a life where I am forced to bend over and take it up the tailpipe. Although speaking of asses, my dog has a problem with his and it’s the reason I am currently praying to the Poop Gods. Poop Gods do exist, right? I hope so or else my prayers will need to be rerouted to the correct recipient/s.

If you’ve been following my blog for awhile now, you are probably aware of my four-legged BFF’s recent eye surgery which he has nearly fully recovered from – yeah! But no sooner than he is given a clean bill of health, he is once again back at the vets. As always, it’s my fault, yet again. I’m really starting to believe that I’m a bad Dad and I’m fearing for my future offspring. It started off innocently enough. I wanted to reward my little guy for being such a good boy during his eye surgery and throughout the month long recovery process. So I took him to a new pet store in town and bought him a braided pig ligament (sounds sooo appetizing). It went down just fine, but it’s not coming out. There lies the problem. Apparently a piece of it is lodged in his poop shoot. Because I’m in NYC this week, I wasn’t aware this was going on until I was informed by my Mom that my dog is shitting blood and nothing else. See what I get? I try to do something nice and reward him for being a good boy, but instead I inadvertently end up punishing him to the point where he can no longer take a normal dump!

The vet told me he just needs time to pass it naturally. But if he starts vomiting, even just a little, then he has to be rushed to the vet hospital for emergency surgery to remove it. Apparently you have very little time to save his life if that happens. Oh yeah, I'm not worried at all (sarcasm). If he were a Lab, I wouldn't have to move so fast, but the smaller the dog, the more dangerous and life threatening it can be. Needless to say I’m cutting my stay in NYC short and coming home. I have to. He’s my BFF and even though I heart NY, I love my dog far more. I’ll be praying to the Poop Gods that he passes this ASAP, but I would greatly appreciate it if you would help me pray for poop too. Praying for poop. Hmm, never thought it would come to that. I hope shit happens, literally.

***UPDATE***
Seriously, does this stupid vet tech really need to take HOURS to return my call? No, take your time, really. My dog is only bleeding out his ass! But you keep sipping your coffee and twirling your hair - it's all good.