First-Ever Vagina Spa

Do you have a depressed vagina? Perhaps it just needs more attention. Or maybe the problem is that your vagina is lazy and out of shape...which would also explain why it’s not getting much attention. If your vagina is frowning, there’s no reason you can’t turn that frown upside down and whip that girl back to the tight little lair it once was. If your vagina needs toned and trimmed, then you're in luck! New York City's first spa "wholly dedicated to strengthening and grooming a woman's genital area" is slated to open this month! I know your vagina is starting to grin with delight already.

The spa is called Phit, which is a made-up, medical-sounding acronym that means "pelvic health integrated techniques". (Oh, sounds fancy!) The spa's flagship service is its $150 gynecological exam, in which a client contracts her pelvic muscles around a doctor's fingers in order to determine whether the muscle tone is weak, moderate, or strong. And no, I’m not making this up. And yes, I’ve already sent in my resume for the doctor position. There’s no word on whether or not the spa offers a "happy ending", but if I get hired, I’m willing to offer it to select customers - a la carte of course.

For additional fees, you can also get your kitty-kat hooked up to an electrostimulation machine, train with a private Kegels exercise coach (AKA, sexercise) or even undergo "nonsurgical labial conturing" to restore labial and vulvar contour to a plump firmness. They even offer the trademarked Kegelmaster device. Don’t know what this is? Well you aren’t alone because I didn't know what it was either. But thanks to Google, I do now! The Kegelmaster is a specially designed device that rapidly improves your vaginal muscle strength by using dynamic progressive resistance. The goal of the Kegelmaster is to not only improve your sex life, but also give you a healthier, happier va-jay-jay. And who doesn’t want their naughty place to be healthier, happier and loved? Although personally, I think the Kegelmaster looks like the love child from a steamy threesome between a tampon, a plastic dildo and a carrot peeler.

Thankfully, I have yet to come across a vagina that could benefit from this spa’s services. I’m thinking this spa is geared more to the older woman with sagging parts or those that have experienced natural child birth and are not as tight and as firm as the single 20-something-year-old. Mmm. I love 20-something-year-old girls. And I really love 20-something-year-old gymnasts and dancers. Oooh yeaaah. Oops, I’m sorry. Where were we? Oh yes, the spa. Anyway...

Some doctors are calling bullshit on whether these services actually work, but the founder, Dr. Lauri Romanzi, is very confident that Kegels and the like are a requisite for having healthy, properly functioning ladybits! "If you can vote and you have a vagina, you should do these", she claims of vagina-tightening exercises. She also goes on to state that..."it's the dental floss of feminine fitness." You hear that, girls? Now go on and get your floss on and let your vagina smile.