The Box That Holds Me

You want to change me. You deny it and say you don’t, but you do. My lifestyle. Me as a person. I am finding it increasingly difficult to be myself. It’s to the point where I find myself saying less and less to you. I hesitate sharing even the littlest mundane everyday things for fear that somehow my words will be misconstrued and I’ll be misunderstood. That makes me sad. You’ve manage to steal the words inside of me and left me with a blank page where I intended to write. I can’t express myself. I can’t be myself. I’m walking on eggshells. Stepping on cracks. It’s a game of “Mother May I”, but there is never a “yes you may”. I’m a grown man. I shouldn’t need to ask permission, but yet by some strange power, I feel as if I’m obligated to do so.

“I love you. It's not a weight you must carry around. It's not a box that holds you in. It's not a standard you have to bear. It's not a sacrifice I make. It's not a pedestal you are frozen upon. It's not an expectation of perfection. It's not my life's whole purpose (or your's). It's not to make you change. It's not even to make you love me. I love you. It's as pure and simple as that.” - Anonymous

Her incontrollable jealousy is getting to me. I’m becoming further frustrated and annoyed. I throw my hands up not knowing what else to do. What else to say. What else to try. Attempting to combat the situation leaves me at a lose. I try explaining and she hushes me up by telling me I’m making it worse. I choose my words carefully and I keep her feelings in mind when I string together my sentences. But still, still I fuck up in her eyes.

There’s this imaginary glass box that I feel I’m in. One that I’ve begun to bang my head against. You think if you fill this glass box full of sweet nothings that it will nourish me. It will make me grow. Grow into what you want me to become. What you want us to be. But tonight, I don’t feel nourished in here. I feel suffocated.

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