The only thing in the world I hate more than Crocs are Uggs. Uggs, quite simply, are ugly. It’s how I feel they got the name Uggs, short for ugly. They are so hideous that I would be forced to breakup with a girl if I discovered she owned a pair. If you don’t know what Uggs are after all these years, then you will need to ask someone because frankly, I can’t stomach describing them. Yes, they are that bad. I think I threw up a little in my mouth just mentioning them. Honestly, I don’t understand why the fashion police haven’t taken the necessary measures to arrest all those who have bought Uggs and stop all those who may THINK of buying Uggs. If you ask me, the illegal substances (Uggs boots) should be banned worldwide.
Now there is good news and bad news. First the good news. To my knowledge, Uggs sales are down. They are no longer in Vogue. Although to many, they were never fashionable to begin with. I hardly ever see them on the streets anymore and that definitely makes me happy. My eyes can finally stop bleeding. However, just as I was cheering the death of Uggs, along comes the Crocs, those rubbery looking gardening shoes. Apparently they are very comfy, but when has any girl choosen comfort over fashion? Think about it. Stilettos were made for a reason. They can’t be comfortable, but they sure are sexy as hell and attract men like magnets! Whereas Crocs are comfy, but have men screaming and running in the opposite direction. I ask you, which scenario would you rather have occur?
Let me paint a clearer picture for you, ladies. Think back to college when you sat down in class, looked over to your left and realized the cutest guy was seated right next to you. How excited you were! You smile, he smiles back. You let your eyes wonder, dropping over his body where they eventually bulge out of your skull and hit the floor when you see what’s happening south of his ankles. That’s right, he is wearing the official lesbian footwear – the original Birkenstock sandals with the thick gray wool hiking socks. Nothing says fashion plate like sandals and wool socks, right? And if I’m not mistaken, isn’t the point of wearing sandals to let your feet breathe? And isn’t the point of wearing wool sock to keep air from reaching your toes? When you combine sandals and wool socks, you’re only confusing the hell out of your feet! I recall a few dudes who decided to mix it up a bit and pair their black Adidas sandals with their white gym socks. Always a real “girl getter” look as well. I suppose in college everyone gets a “sloppy card” – sloopy dresser, sloppy drunk, sloppy kisser, sloppy seconds. Maybe back then your game was good enough that you could pass with the sloppy card, but your college days are over. Welcome to the real world. In the real world, sloppy doesn’t get you laid.
It seems there is a cold hard reality that we must all face, the birth of Cruggs. Crocs and Uggs have been bred together to bring us Cruggs. Fulgy indeed. It was only a matter of time before the two met, fucked fugly style and spawned this vile demon bastard footwear. Cruggs were recently spotted in a Houston store window where I’m sure they set off a chain reaction of uncontrollable vomiting among window shoppers. I don't know how much Cruggs are selling for, but I do know that owning a single pair will cost you your dignity. They will also leave you feeling sexually frustrated because it’s certain you won’t be getting any as long as you strutting your stuff in Cruggs.
I’m actually looking forward to Fall, when all the cute girls will be stepping out in sexy knee-high leather boots with the thin little heals. Mmm, my favorite! But for now while the weather is still warm, I say if you want comfort, go with flip flops. After all, what goes best with flip flops? A bikini. And remember for a bikini, less is best. Bless you string bikini and flip flop ensemble. Bless you.
***NOTE***
This post has been sponsored by the “Just Say No To Cruggs” campaign. Remember, Hugs Not Cruggs.
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