You could say the cat got my tongue. I’ve sat here for 2 hours. Wasted 2 hours of my life thinking of what I wanted to write, what I needed to say. And I’ve come to this conclusion…I want to write nothing. I want to say nothing. Do I need to express myself right now? Yes, of course I do, but I don’t want to share any part of me. Actually, I may not want to share any part of myself ever again. This weekend I was made to feel that every part of me is vile and disgusting.
When I’m quiet and I’m asked what is wrong. I pause before opening up. I ask, "do you honestly want to know?" I ask this because I often wonder if they truly care to know or they are just being polite. I wish I didn’t need to question it, but these days one can never be too sure, so I ask. They reply with a firm yes – assurance that I matter to them. So I proceed to open myself up and not even a full sentence in, I’m insulted and belittled. What I say is misconstrued. I’m tossed into the "typical guy" category, when I always thought of myself as anything but typical. Assumptions are placed upon me that truly shock me because I would hope that by now my character would speak for itself, but apparently nobody really knows me at all.
I shouldn’t need to explain myself. I shouldn’t need to defend myself. Therefore, I won’t. Actually, I don't even know what I would be explaining or defending? I would have needed to have done something wrong to justify an explanation or a good defense. I think a true friend listens even if they don’t always want to, but because they offered to. They should give you the benefit of the doubt and at least allow you to finish speaking before lashing out on you for no reason at all. They should be sympathetic to your feelings, even if only for a brief second before they focus solely on their own emotions. I’ve never asked to be put first in anyone’s life, but I have wanted to have a place in someone’s life. And wherever I fit in was fine with me.
Maybe that’s dumb, I don’t know. But I refuse to be ok with being labeled as the same as every other male jerk in her life, both past and present. Enough about what you deserve for a change. I deserve to be treated better to. Here’s the real kicker, she says she has feelings for me and wants a romantic relationship with me. Now from my past experience, a real relationship has always been based off a beautiful friendship. To have a friendship, you have to like a person. It doesn’t seem like she even likes me? And it was made clear to me this weekend that she doesn't think very highly of me, which naturally doesn't swell my heart with happiness. So I don’t understand how she could possibly want more with me. The whole thing is just really confusing. At least I don't have to try and make sense out of it because she's decided she won't talk to me now. That's one way to solve a problem I suppose.
From now on though, when I’m asked if I’m being quiet because something is wrong, I won’t question them. I’ll know they are just being polite. My standard reply will always be "I’m fine."
SIDE NOTE: I’m leaving for New Zealand today (work) and I expect to be gone for 2 weeks. I’ll return to the States, but not sure if I’ll return to blogging. So if this is my last post, I apologize for it not being my best piece of writing.
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