The Cult Of Oprah

When I say names like Britney or Madonna, you know who I’m talking about. These celebrities are so big that they are known by their first name alone. But what about Oprah? Wasn’t it enough that she was identified by one name alone? Obviously not because she had to take it a step further and narrow it down to just a single letter – O. I mean comeon. Everyone knows what "The Big O" has always been in reference to and now you are going to try and steal that? Have you no shame, woman? If there are two things I know in life, it’s that women love orgasms and Oprah. Ok, well some women love Oprah. Actually some women take their love of Oprah to a whole new level and have a big "O" over her. Hey Oprah is big, but she shouldn’t be that big! And no, I’m not referring to her fluctuations in weight. I’m referring to the fact that Oprah has somehow managed to brainwash millions of women into hanging on her every word and following her every step. If you ask me, she’s constructed nothing short of a cult! It honestly disgusts me! They bow down to her like she is some God! If Oprah took a big shit on her stage, I am willing to bet some crazy woman would run up there and snag a nugget for herself. Anything to be close to the big "O".

I get that people often find someone in life they look up to. And often that person is someone famous. I used to look up to Michael Jordan. I loved the dude, but I certainly didn’t cry over him like these women do with Oprah! Besides, I was 13-years-old. I was a kid! It’s perfectly normal and rather acceptable for a kid to look up to someone. But these women that are in the cult of Oprah are grown ass women! It is NOT normal and it should NOT be acceptable behavior. Admire the woman if you must, but don’t drop to your knees and weep like God himself just walked out in a pair of Manolo Blahniks. I’m not even exaggerating when I say these women are literally fainting as they scream hysterically and streams of salty tears pour down their face. It’s sooo ridiculous!

I’m extremly thankful that I have a full-time job so I don’t have to endure the nauseism that is daytime TV. However, some days I work from home and I leave the TV on as background noise. So of course the one particular day I happen to be home with the TV on, Oprah appears. I groan in distaste and look for the remote. Before I have time to flip the channel, I hear her proclaim that on today’s show she is going to unveil her most favorite tech gadget of all-time. What, the electric mixer? Oprah is in her mid 50s. What does she know about cutting edge technology? I immediately roll my eyes knowing that whatever little gadget she pulls out of her sleeve will most likely be stupid and has probably been on the market for months, if not years! It’s sort of like the old folks on "60 Minutes" when they talked about this new technology that is taking the music industry by storm – mp3s. Um, ok fine, if that aired in 1999 when Napster hit the scene. But these old farts ran the segment nearly a decade later! Can you say old news, ancient history, get with the times? Despite what my instincts were telling me (turn the channel), I decided to see what this tech gadget of hers was.

So after some well rehearsed hoopla, Oprah works her worshipping cult members (AKA viewers) into a fit of hysteria and busts out her favorite tech gadget of all-time. Get ready for it...it’s the Amazon Kindle. Ha. Hold your laughter. It gets worse. If you don’t know what the Amazon Kindle is, it’s an e-book reader. An embedded system for reading electronic books (e-books). Did I mention it’s one of the biggest flops in tech gadget history? When it was originally introduced to the public about a year ago, it fell on its face. It seemed like a clever idea and a handy gadget in theory, but for many reasons it just didn’t go over well when it came to actually selling it to consumers. In fact sales were so poor that there was talk of production on it being stopped. That was until "O" came along and breathed new life into it like the God she is. After working her cult into a fit of hysteria, like any good cult leader, she then pushed them over the edge by announcing that everyone in her audience was taking home a Kindle with them for free! Needless to say these mindless women, who come in droves to tapings of the Oprah show like a bunch of zombies, began screaming and crying! They were so full of emotion over one of the worst tech gadgets of all-time that they could barely speak the words..."Thank you Oprah. Thank you my God. You have given my life meaning and a reason to keep on living." I stood infront of my television completely shocked over their insanely crazy reaction. Was this for real? Surely they can’t be serious!

The Amazon Kindle costs $385. Not exactly cheap, but not all that expensive either. Regardless of what the price tag is on an item that Oprah gives away, these women act like she just gave them her first born child! I’ve seen Oprah give cars away and I’m not surprised people get excited over that. So a little "Price Is Right" jumping up and down on that one is fine. But even when Oprah hands out some washed-up artist’s CD or some unknown author’s book, her audience becomes just as thrilled! These are items under $20. Are you telling me these kept housewives and stay-at-home Moms can’t afford to slap down an Andrew Jackson on one of those items themselves? Just because the "O" says the Kindle rocks, you believe her? That is what I’m referring to when I call it cult mentality. Oprah can pretty much say dog poo tastes like chocolate and I can guarantee you these women would be wanting to snack on it too.

What really tops it all off is that because she is "endorsing" (read that as being paid to advertise) the Kindle, Amazon founder and chief executive, Jeff Bezos, is now her BFF. He even went on her show to help promote it. If you think about it, it was more of a paid infomercial than a talk show that day. Of course you can’t tell her cult that! They wouldn’t believe that! And more importantly, do they even care? They can’t comprehend the fact that many celebrities are paid to endorse products that they may or may not love. And sorry to break it to all these women, but Oprah is no different! Oprah makes $385 million a year, which is roughly $385 million more than I make. But that’s not why I’m hating on her. And the fact that she is one, if not THE most powerful woman in the world is also not why I’m hating on her. Afterall, I am not threatened by a successful woman. Actually, I find successful independent women very sexy, with the exception of Oprah.

So why do I hate Oprah? Well I hate her for the simple fact that I hate women who have nothing better to do with their lives than watch re-runs of Dr. Phil and Oprah on a Tuesday afternoon. I suppose in a way it is sort of amazing they are able to squeeze in an hour or two of tube time in-between their busy schedule of palates and stopping at Starbucks on the way to getting their nails done. Get a life. Get a job. Get a mind of your own and stop following Oprah like she is preaching the gospel. Breakaway from her cult. Please, I beg of you!

***NOTE***
Just another reason why I hate the Kindle is because often tech gadgets are anonymous, anodyne, soulless. I'm a tactile person and part of the enjoyment one gets from reading is the actual feel of the book in your hands. And as much as I love tech gadgets, you can't replace or duplicate that sensation. I have a small love affair with paper and ink. Read the post below and you'll see.
9/12/08 - The Handwritten Letter Is A Dying Art