Releasing A Blog Draft Prisoner

I’m actually rather pleased with how I wrote it, which is rare for me. As many of you know, I usually hate my own writing. To me, my writing never feels complete or good enough. I’m my own worst critic. When I sat down to write the post, I never intended to talk about "that". I had no intention of ever telling a sole about it. Afterall, I had kept it a heavily guarded secret for 15 years! And I had every intention in keeping it a secret for another 15, if not 100 years! Honestly, it is something I felt pretty firmly about taking to my grave. That was sort of the plan, but then, somehow I wrote it out of me? I know this sounds really strange and it doesn’t make sense. But something I was NEVER able to speak about, somehow I was able to write about, without even being conscious I was doing it! Now that’s some f-ed up stuff only a psychologist should be able to explain. What’s even more bizarre, I never told a sole about this, but yet I’m considering telling the whole world? I had never told my Mom, or a girlfriend, or a best friend, but I’m ok with letting a bunch of strangers on the Internet know this about me? I even lied to a school counselor and shrink that I did this. I denied it because there was no way in hell I could own up to it. The best part, they all believed me. Here I was, 12-years-old and I had them all fooled!

What a bunch of suckers I thought to myself. They bought into all my bullshit and it wasn’t that difficult to do. It literally took years for me to figure out that the only sucker was me. I was the one that had to suck it up, stuff it down and keep it locked inside of me. I choose to imprison myself while the rest of the world was trying to free me. Of course back then, I didn’t see it that way. I thought for sure they would send me away, confine me in a padded cell in some nut house. I wasn’t going to let them do that so I did the only thing I could, I protected myself by protecting my secret from them. I played it all off like they were the crazy ones for even thinking such a thing about me could be true. They didn’t pry all that much and I can only assume it is because they didn’t care all that much. That was fine by me. My attitude was "fuck them all" anyway.

It’s more like a personal outlet for me. I often write draft posts, but never publish them. I have at least 10 drafts lying around at any given time. I think I’m going to change that. I’m going to start releasing some of my blog draft prisoners – prisoner of words. I don’t want to hold them captive any longer. For good or bad, right or wrong, they too will be let go. I’m not certain that by doing that if it will benefit me, but I’m hoping that perhaps by sharing this extremely painful and life altering experience that it may benefit someone else.

I don’t recall feeling this nervous since the day I planned to propose to my girlfriend. Right now, I feel incredibly nervous and somewhat scared to even THINK about talking about this. It’s a hard thing to live with, even for a day, let alone 15 years. But it’s even harder to release it. And that’s what I’ve decided to do. I’m finally going to release this secret. After 15 years, I’m going to let it out. I’m going to do it here on my blog in less than 24 hours. I’m releasing a blog draft prisoner that has sat in my Blogger account for months. I’m going to release one of my biggest darkest secrets that sat inside me for 15 years.

Deep breath. In. Out. Ok, I’m ready.