Best Kisser, Like Father Like Son Like Master Like Puppy

I’ve been a self-proclaimed tech whore for some time now, and in addition to that title, my friends have recently labeled me a manwhore. With all this whoring going around, it should be no surprise that my whorish ways have influenced the most influential mind of all – my puppy. Yes, his brain is like a little sponge absorbing my each and every move. For good or bad, right or wrong, I’m afraid (or rather proud) that my whoring has rubbed off on him. He’s a chunky, wrinkly 45 pound pimp and his Papa couldn’t be prouder! Since the first day I laid paws on him, I knew he was a pimp. His smooth ways are not just taught, they are instinctual. He was born to be a player. He just has a way with the ladies that few canines have. He’s charming. He’s bold. He’s just plain old loveable and it oozes out of him. Women of all ages and walks of life simply can’t resist him! And after this weekend, there is no denying my pup is true pimp now. Diesel just won "Best Kisser" at Bullypalooza 2008. Not only does he hold the official title, but he also took home 1st prize – a bag of Snausages. Needless to say, this is going to totally go to his head! As if he wasn’t already "the cat’s meow", now he is going to be pimping in full force!

If there was one event at Bullypalooza that I knew my dog had in the bag, it was the kissing contest. I mean, how could he NOT win? Losing just wasn’t an option. And 2nd place? Forget it! My boy goes for gold. He goes for tongue and lots of it! Now his style of kissing may not be what a girl wishes for in a boyfriend, but since he is a dog, we have to let some shit slide. So with that said, his kisses are rather sloppy and somewhat aggressive. Not aggressive in a mean way, but aggressive in a "I love you so much and I have to show you now" kind of way. You can’t help but laugh and submit to his overwhelming affection as he runs at you with his tongue wagging in the breeze. He leaps into your arms, sometimes knocking you over and smoothers you in Bulldog kisses. Thankfully, he doesn’t have dog breath. I would like to say he’s a chip off the old block. That he’s a great kisser like his old man, but that would be mildly disturbing to think that I taught my dog how to kiss. Besides, his aggressive sloppy kissing style really isn’t my style. In short, our techniques are very different, but loved equally by the ladies.

Often I find myself left in awe over his bold pimping ways. Take for instance "hot jogging girl" – that is what I am going to nickname her. It was your typical sunny afternoon. I was taking the pup for a walk at the park when a rather hot 20something girl jogged toward us and then by us in her sports bra and shorts. I looked. The puppy looked. And then the pup and I looked at one another. It was game on! Normally he’s supposed to play the role of my wingpup, but I could see in his eyes he was going to be bold and overstep his boundaries. He was about to make a move and he was challenging me to stop him. While we were busy giving one another the evil eye, "hot jogging girl" pauses her iPod and rewinds her cute little booty a few steps backward towards us.

"Oh my God, he is sooo cute! Can I pet him?" I was hoping she was talking ABOUT me, but unfortunately she was only talking TO me in reference to my four-legged BFF. "Sure", I said enthusiastically. Who am I to deny a half-naked sweaty girl a public makeout session? I was just hoping that after she finished loving up my puppy that she would want to love me up too...or at least pet me too? Diesel was more than happy to go from a simple hello to 3rd base in 5 seconds flat! As soon as she knelt down, he went to town on her! He began licking her boobs in a flurry – no joke. I stood there a little turned on, a little grossed out, but mostly just jealous. It’s so not fair. He barely exchanges pleasantries before his tongue is less than an inch from reaching nipple. Now could you imagine if I did something like that? If I didn’t even catch this girl’s name and barely said hello to her before I licked her beautiful C cups breasts up, down and all around...and in public! She surely would have slapped me in the face. I would have a sexual harassment lawsuit thrown at me faster than you could bat an eye. But because he’s an English Bulldog puppy he gets away with it! Isn't that raciest or sexiest or something? I think he could get away with murder, a double homicide even! People used to giggle when he would hump their leg. Think I could get away with that? Not likely. And I highly doubt it would look "cute" like when he does it.

In my next life, I think I want to come back as a dog so I can be bold like him. So I can flaunt my pimping ways to the fullest power and makeout with any set of boobies I see fit. Yeah, that would be a good life. That would be my dog’s life.