Life Definitely Needs An Easy Button

Staples, the office supply superstore, use to have the slogan "Staples, yeah we've got that". These days the slogan has changed to "That was easy". Their marketing campaign features a big read easy button that you push to make things simple. Don't you wish life was that simple, that you could push a big red easy button and things would be all better? I definitely wish that was a realistic concept sometimes. Take this morning for example, I would of traded my left nut in for that easy button. Nothing against my right nut, he's a fine solider too. It's just all figuratively speaking, but you get the point.

Today I woke up to a little snow. Nothing to really dig out of, but an inch or so of accumulation. No big deal right? Well it's no big deal to me, but then I'm not minivan Mom. You know the type. She's all tucked in her Dodge Caravan decked out with the ever present "Julie #12 Soccer" and "Ryan #25 Baseball" stickers on her bumper, gabbing on her cell phone with one hand, another hand wrapped tightly around her bottled spring water. You know, water for the gym that she says she attends but always skips going to because it interferes with her soap opera schedule. So that leaves no hands for the steering wheel. Not to mention that in the back of the minivan she has stuffed 3 or 4 unruly adolescents throwing packed brownbags of P&B around and tattling to Mom. It's a sensible no hands approach to driving her loaded gun, AKA minivan hell on wheels. No annoyances to distract minivan Mom's attention away from the road and into her own little world of chaos. Despite the rather snow clear roads, minivan Mom manages to find the sole patch of snow that the plow missed. Look out, hell is about to break loose!

The Caravan begins to fish tale. I see her swerve from right to left and back to the right again. I witness the Fiji water spilling and that damn Motorola is finally dropped, unglued from her ear! For the first time in nearly 3 miles of following behind this woman, I actually see her place her hands on that thing you steer a car with. Um, what do they call that? Oh yeah, the steering wheel! Someone should tell her what it's used for and how to use it. Anyway, small childlike heads being to roll in the van's backseat. Sack lunches are tossed into the air, not by free-will this time, but by Dodge Caravan will. The Caravan is living up to it's rep - hell on wheels. It's also important to note the speed we are traveling at so you (the reader) isn't panicking and thinking how insensitive I am at this point. We are going less than 20mph. I kid you not. Yes, she somehow is managing to cause utter chaos on the roadways this morning putting not only her and her kids lives at risk, but mine and everyone else's on the road as well.

After a few seconds pass, which I'm sure felt like eternity to her as she was spinning out of control, the van slides off the road and hits the guardrail. My immediate reaction? "Oh great, just what I need when I am late for work already". Obviously I'm not a morning person based on my initial response to witnessing minivan Mom's fender bender, but come on now, this could of been avoided if she had at least ONE hand on the wheel right? Slamming your car into a guardrail at under 20mph on a bare road just doesn't get alot of sympathy from me - sorry. However, I believe we have a law that states that if you witness an accident and you don't pull over to see if they are ok or call for help, then you could get in trouble yourself. Wonderful. So now I have to help this idiot. I'm really mean this morning huh? I'm usually not so grumpy or cold hearted, but I hadn't had alot of sleep, no breakfast and I worked a 12 hour workday yesterday. All of that on my shoulders plus the fact that I was running late for work today and this woman was going to make me even later, I just wanted to choke her if the seatbelt didn't beat me to it. That's the other thing - she doesn't wear a seatbelt driving either.

As you can tell from this tale, I wish I had that easy button with me. I would of pointed it right at her and slammed it down like I was on the "Press Your Luck" game show - no whammies, big whammies, boom. Reluctantly, but knowing it was the right things to do, I pulled over to see if everything was ok and if I could give her a hand with anything. I would of offered her to use my phone to call for a help, but she did have one. Of course as soon as she put down her driver side window to talk to me, I could see the tears were welling in her eyes. Oh great, even more good luck for me. Now this woman is going to ball. "It's ok, it's ok" I nervously said to her in hopes she would choke it up and get a grip, but no this woman was rattled and lost it. She began balling, not just a tear or two flowing, she was on the verge of hysterics! "Calm down woman" is what I wanted to say in an irritated tone, but I had to be nice because I was afraid if I wasn't, then I might burn in hell one day and see her minivan hell on wheels over and over again...for all eternity! Somehow I got this woman calm and she was fine and her kids were fine. Nobody was hurt except the minivan's wood paneling and the leather stick shift in my car because when I finally was on my way, I had to release some stress by squeezing it as tight as I could. Be on the lookout for a banged up Dodge Caravan with wood paneling coming to terrorize a city near you.

So had this woman been a cute single girl that was kid-free in the same accident, would I of been more sympathetic? Of course, duh! I would spot the problem and say..."Yeah, I got that". After fixing her flat tire, I would boast..."That was easy"...even if I had chased a lug nut across the highway while nearly being struck by a semi. Moral of the story - A damsel in distress is only as hot as the girl looks. Sexist? Maybe. True? No doubt.

Thinking With The Right Head

The big brownie, a sad Mac, idiot stick figure with no soul, proposing to oneself by saying "alrighty then"...if you don't know what any of these infamous coined terms and catch phrases are, then shame on you. Shame on you for not being a fan of one of the best TV shows off all-time. Shame on you for not joining with me and watching 30 minutes of funny, hot and rather educational cable television programming. I'm talking about "Sex And The City". Even though the show is off the air, you can still catch the reruns, just don't bother with the censored/cut TBS version - they suck. You need all that filth intact to truly appreciate Carrie and her crew. I'll admit that I'm probably one of the only straight guys that likes this show, but so what. It doesn't bother me. In fact, I'll announce it to the world...I love Sex And The City and damn proud of it baby!

Even as I write this, I hear that jingly theme song playing in my head, picturing our NY writer getting splashed by a puddle while unknown buff dude strikes a pose in the backgroud. Yes, I was hooked and sad to see the show end. Although I did have a quick flashback to the good old days when I came across this book (pictured above) last weekend. It's Kim Cattrall, who plays the sexy/slutty Samantha on the show. Of course when I saw the racy cover, I immediately recalled the funniest and most noteworthy line out of all 5 seasons of "Sex And The City". I suppose she made this blunt statement for all men to hear and all women to cheer...

Samantha: You men have no idea what we're dealing with down there. Teeth placement, and jaw stress, and suction, and gag reflex, and all the while bobbing up and down, moaning and trying to breathe through our noses. Easy? Honey, they don't call it a job for nothing'.

Romance Does Not Come In A Box

Since it's February, Valentines Day is just around the corner. Guys if you are thinking of getting your girl one of those tacky 6 inch stuffed teddy bears that is holding a heart and says "I Can't Bear To Be Without You", then let me stop you. Don't get it. Seriously. Unless it's a "joke gift" which is part of her real gift, then put the teddy bear down. Walk away from the teddy bear. Come on, you can do better than that. You usually can't go wrong with standard items like flowers, chocolate or jewelry. However you must know your target audience and feel out the situation. For instance, if it's a girlfriend, take her to a nice bed & breakfast place or treat her to a spa day. If it's a girl you only sort of know or just started dating, then you should of been paying attention to her likes and dislikes so you can surprise her with something that is sure to swoon her. Lastly, if this is a first date and you know almost nothing about the girl, then why not break the ice with something silly, funny and cute - get one of those 2nd grade Valentine cutout cards and a box of those heart candies with the "hot 4 u" and other goofy sayings printed on them. If she has any sense of humor, she will appreciate the ice-breaker gift. I'm sure everyone has come across a box like this...

It promises to add spice to your love life, but I think there is no bigger gimmick than promising romance in a box. Bottom line, romance does not come in a box. I always see these types of things, but I think if you "need" this, then a few problems are at hand...

1. You aren't creative and/or intelligent enough to think of things on your own.
2. You shouldn't need someone to TELL YOU how to be romantic nor HAND YOU the tools needed to be romantic - where is the romance in that? It should come from the heart and not a game card.
3. You may be a lazy and/or boring lover if all of these things are "new and exciting" to you to try. Get an imagination and a sense of adventure when it comes to not only sex, but also the daily romantic part of your relationship as well.

I could probably think of other reasons, but those 3 come to mind first and foremost. Relationships do take work sometimes, but romance should come easy to you. How can it not? All you have to do is what's in your heart, express how you feel. There is nothing more heartfelt and sincere than that. If the plain old dozen red roses is all that's in your heart, then I guess that is what you go with. Personally, I find that too cliché. I like to do things a little different, put a spin on that and mix it up. In the past I may of struggled from time to time when getting along with a woman, but I've never struggled with trying to romance her. Honestly, I feel the best part of dating or being in love is the romance. The best part of sex to me is the foreplay. I know you might not believe either one of those statements, but it's really true...at least for me it is.

You should not feel it is "work" to plan a nice date, setup a bubble bath with roses pedals and candles or just leave a sweet little note for her to find when you aren't around. I think a good lover is one who is creative all on his own. His imagination is full of fun things to try and he has no hesitation in trying them. His gestures should not be "by the book romance", but one that comes truly from the heart and is made special and unique for just that one woman who has his heart. Now the only catch is to find a woman worth such effort, who will appreciate and return the favors/gestures. THEN you will have a truly good relationship and sex life, one that won't need "spicing up" with some board game. But hey, if you like those games, then buy them. Those are just my thoughts on the whole thing.

Let The Rioting Begin, Steelers Win Super Bowl XL!
Super Bowl Sunday has come and gone. With that has come the championship to the city of Pittsburgh and gone is the Lombardy trophy dreams of the Seattle Seahawks. Hey, not everyone can be a winner in life. So better luck next year Seattle. As for my Steelers, I couldn't be more happy! When any city wins a championship game, there is always a huge celebration...and of course rioting. There is no exception here as the partying began immediately following the game with people pouring into the streets! The celebrating lasted well into this morning in Oakland, near the University of Pitt campus. Police were on the scene and the roads were closed to contain the party.

An emotonal Hines Ward was all smiles
as he was named Super Bowl MVP.

In all, no one was hurt, but 8 people were arrested. One victory celebration got a little out of control when a car was flipped over. Other fans celebrated the big win by setting a sofa on fire. The celebration also spilled into other areas of the city causing numerous roads to be blocked off. Around 11:30 PM, officers started appearing in riot gear and on horseback. However, the fans kept waving their Terrible Towels. I never really get the purpose of the looting, car tipping or setting random items on fire as a form of celebration. Then again, when people have that much alcohol in them, it sort of makes sense.

Other cities have experienced worse rioting, so as a precaution the city of Pittsburgh had put some measures into place prior to Sunday. Several schools inside the city had a scheduled 2 hour delay for Monday morning because everyone was expecting things to get a little crazy after the Sunday night game. In addition, fans were notified not to show up to the Pittsburgh International Airport on Monday, waiting to greet the team as they arrived back home. The airport is partially closed off to help keep things under control.

Let's put aside the ugly side of the rioting and focus on the good - the 5th championship ring! Finally, one for the thumb! It's been 10 years since the Steelers made a Super Bowl appearance and 26 years since they took the championship, but that all changed last night. Cower finally got to hand Dan Rooney the big prize and Jerome Bettis can close his career out on a high note. Most importantly, I can call this season a success from personal standpoint. Granted I sold my season tickets awhile back because I was afraid with traveling for work, that I wouldn't get much use of the passes. However, I did manage to attend about 3 games this year and as always, they were a blast! So hours of yelling at my TV on Sunday and Monday night games has paid off. All the beer, pizza and other junk food consumed during the games has paid off. I may of felt ill after drinking and eating all that junk, but that junk help cheer on the Black & Gold to ring #5. Therefore, I not only pat my football team on the back for a job well done, but myself as well. Without the fans, the NFL wouldn't exist.

Lastly, I am going to fool myself into believing and falsely taking credit for the "tips" I personally gave to Bill Cower earlier in the season. Yes, I'm going to name drop and say I got to hang out with "The Man" right at his house...well his driveway to be exact...back when the Steelers had a bye-week during the regular season. Yes, Coach Cower and I, along with a few friends, cracked a cold one and discussed Ward, Parker, Big Ben and others. It was a good time and defiantly one of the highlights I'll remember when I look back at this incredible Steelers season. Jerry Porter can talk all the smack he wants because there is a guy that backed it up...something Seattle can't say.

Get Your Game Face On
Steelers, Steelers, Steelers. That is all I've heard the last month or so, even before we made it to the Super Bowl. This city has gone crazy over the Pittsburgh Steelers! Don't get me wrong. I'm pumped for the game too and I love the team, but it's all anyone is talking about, seriously. You turn on the news and it's like who cares if some innocent child got caught in a drive-by shooting, nope, the opening news is Steelers updates. They are still covering the drug busts, drive-bys and all those other wonderful inner city crimes that take place. However, I almost feel like if they reported the shooter was wearing a Big Ben jersey, that the cops would let him go because he is a Steelers fan. Yeah, that is how crazy people are here about the Steelers going to Super Bowl XL.

Our football team has always had a huge following here and even across the US there are Steelers fans in nearly every city you go to. There was even a Steelers pep rally in Japan! Now that is some serious loyalty to the Black & Gold. Of course I will be glued to the TV come Super Bowl Sunday and this year I'm hoping the game is just as good, if not better, than the commercials. We all know that many watch the big game just for the commercials. In the past, the Super Bowl has been a blowout game or it's 2 teams playing that nobody even cares about. This year, I care. I care that my home team is going to be in there once again since their last Super Bowl appearance 10 years ago. I care that they are predicting that Detroit will be made up of 80% Steelers fans. I care that unlike the games during the playoffs, the Steelers are favorites to win it all this year. Odds are that they will finally get that 5th ring - one for the thumb. I definitely care that I have money riding on Pittsburgh to win!

Finally, I care if you aren't a Steelers fan. It's not only mandatory that you watch the game, but it's also mandatory that you route for the right team - Pittsburgh of course. If you aren't a Steelers fan and if you aren't routing for the Steelers this Sunday, then I'm officially banning you from my blog. It's nothing personal. Ok, it is personal. I can't have anyone hanging out at my blog if they aren't backing the best team in the NFL. So let this be your lesson to do the right thing. Cheer on the Black & Gold no matter what happens this Sunday. Be loyal and keep routing for them until the final tick of the clock has concluded.

***UPDATE***
Oh yeah, that fat rodent in Philly, you know Punxsutawney Phil. Well apparently he saw his shadow yesterday on Groundhog Day. However, in Pittsburgh, nobody cared unless Punxsy was waiving a Steelers Terrible Towel. So you see, this city has some serious football fever. Therefore, if you plan on getting struck by lightning or anything, make sure you wear some Steelers attire or nobody is going to give a crap about you.

It's Official, I Suck
I'm like a vanilla cone, a brown paper bag, a colorless Crayon. What is wrong with me lately? I'm dull and boring. Uninteresting and bland. I'm just blah. I can't think of anything good to say to her and she isn't saying anything to me. I'm totally dropping the ball on this. She makes me nervous sometimes and I don't know why. This is so silly. This isn't like me. I'm usually cool, calm and collected. Being myself usually is a good thing and comes natural, but lately I feel being me isn't good enough. It's not cutting it. I need more. I need something.

Perhaps a magic trick will work. Should I pull some flowers out of my sleeve? Perhaps this is all just in my head and I need to relax. In fact, I know I need to relax. I feel like I'm 13 again trying to make a girl like me. This is pathetic.

(Just a small side note, I hope people don't read this and assume things. I'm not in love or anything and I don't have "the hots" for someone. Although I do have a slight case of "the warms". I'll leave it at that.)

Inspire Me

Since 2006 has kicked off, I've been searching for a little inspiration in certain areas of my life. Even on my blog, I sometimes search for inspiration. Something that inspires me to write, something that moves me enough to bother posting about. I like it when my mind is challenged and I love it when the challenge is brought on by the inspiration of another. Inspire me and you've caught my attention. Continue to inspire me...or better yet, inspire total strangers in this world...and you will not only capture my full attention, but you will hold it for a lifetime. That is when I develop a deep interest. In my eyes, that is when the depth of a person begins to shine thru and intensifies. I'm inspired by another's courage, pain, happiness, sadness, success, triumphs, failures, their strengths and even their weaknesses. Not to sound cliché, but it's the good, the bad and the ugly that are inspiring in life.

Lately, I seem to be lacking outside inspiration from other people. Therefore, I need to find that inspiration within myself. It can be a difficult challenge sometimes to fuel my drive and keep me going from day to day. Although I will dig down and pull up past inspirations of mine or of others and allow those moments to grip me. I will once again breathe in that period of time when I felt inspired, motivated and eagerly accepted a challenge no matter how big or how small. A single breath can bring a new awakening to a new day. I will hold onto the people, places, things and moments in life that have given me inspiration. It will be like inhaling and never exhaling. To never let go of what gives your life, life.

I don't think I am going to do those "1st of the month wrap-ups" anymore on my blog. You may recall that I use to sum up the previous month's posts in one single post on the first day of each new month. It's become too time consuming to do that. Plus I'm bored doing it and frankly, I don't feel inspired to do it anymore. Instead I am going to leave everyone with 2 posts from January that seem to of made people think and even inspired a few of you. I feel that inspiration comes in all different forms. If I've inspired just one person out there by sharing the story of the old man with the threadbare scarf and trembling hands, then I've done well. If I've inspired just one person out there by revealing some very personal things about myself with my 101 list, then I've done well. If I've inspired someone in this world in some way, anyway...then I've done great...and with that, the inspiration has come full circle. Inspiring someone inspires me.

01/19/06 1 Second Added To Your Life, What Will You Do With It?
01/23/06 101 Things You Didn't Know About Me