Perfectly Lonely

First comes love, then comes marriage, then comes the baby carriage. The tone was set back in elementary school. That’s when I received my first kiss. Of course my life hasn’t followed the same script since the day they sang that to me on the playground. Somewhere along the way the soundtrack to my life changed. Actually, it changed many times over the years. Today it plays "Perfectly Lonely" by John Mayer. If you’ve never heard the song or read the lyrics, your immediate reaction to the title is probably..."Oh, that’s so sad!" Don’t be sad for me though. Not only am I currently happy like this, it’s also the way I want it.

Nothing to do
Nowhere to be
A simple little kind of free
Nothing to do
No one but me
And that's all I need
I'm perfectly lonely
I'm perfectly lonely
I'm perfectly lonely (Yeah)
'Cause I don't belong to anyone
Nobody belongs to me

Not long ago I had a 2 carat diamond ring in my pocket, a crumbled up piece of paper with my proposal speech written on it (to be memorized of course), and a stomach full of butterflies. Like a school boy, she made my heart pound and my palms sweaty. And that wasn’t just because I was about to pop the question. It was because you’ve never seen anyone so in love with another human being before in your entire life! My heart didn't just skip a beat when she entered a room, it completely stopped. I stood frozen in time. Then as she came near, it would regain it's rhythm, pounding harder with every step she took toward me. My shirt did little to conceal the thumbing in my chest. Just like I did little to conceal the anguish I felt the day she stomped my heart into the ground.

That was then and this now. A couple girlfriends and a few broken hearts later and I'm still standing. I’ve had some good romances, some bad romances, and most likely too many one-night stands. Just a few months ago I decided to tear up my heart and shut it down. I had a manwhore relapse, something I thought I had finally put an end to in my mid-20s. But as twisted as it sounds, I find a certain kind of peace, comfort, and perhaps even happiness in that emptiness. Many people probably would never understand, but some of us can in fact be perfectly lonely.

Nothing to do
Nowhere to be
A simple little kind of free
Nothing to do
No one to be
Is it really hard to see
Why I'm perfectly lonely
I'm perfectly lonely
I'm perfectly lonely
I'm perfectly lonely (Yeah)
'Cause I don't belong to anyone
Nobody belongs to me

So my life didn't turn out how I thought it would. My plan fell apart. I lost the girl and I'm living in a house that is entirely too big for a single guy without a family. So what. Looking back, I think I was entirely too young to be married and start having babies anyways. Honestly, the thought of that terrifies me now! I had just graduated college and I was ready to settle down? That seems insane to me today! While my almost fiancee was traveling the world on a plane, in the process she taught me a valuable lesson about spreading my own wings. At the time I thought she had her head in the clouds, but I soon realized it was actually me with my head in the clouds when my feet were in need of grounding. Neither of us should have been getting married. We needed to experience life, get to know who we are as individuals before we combined our lives with anyone. Although I enjoyed holding her hand, I've also enjoyed taking steps on my own. I don't hate her for (literally) putting oceans between us. Instead I thank her for the love and life lessons she has taught me. Love may make you blind at the time, but when it's over, you'll be seeing more clearly than ever and will be able to put life in proper perspective.

And this is not to say
There never comes a day
I'll take my chances and start again
And when I look behind
On all my younger times
I have to thank the wrongs that led me to a love so strong

On Christmas Eve when my family got together, I was bombarded with the "so when are you getting married and having kids" questions. I suppose it was better than the old days of hearing "my, you're getting so tall" statements. Truth be told, I have no idea if marriage or kids are in my future. I'm not even sure I want that anymore. I would like to think I do, because I'm told that would give me a full life. But full to who - to them or me? I really don't know. My life is filled with various shades of gray at the moment. It's lost much of it's vibrant color and luster of yesteryear. It's ok though. I'm perfectly lonley and it's the way, it's the way, it's the way that I want it.

(FREE Download! John Mayer - Perfectly Lonely.mp3)