Insert Lame Excuse Here, Followed By "But I Was Drunk"

***NOTE***
This post was inspired by a bottle of Patron, shady chicks, dirty dawgs, and a heart-to-heart with my buddy nicknamed Scum.

Am I the world’s most coherent drunk, or do I just believe in taking responsibility for my actions? I hate to believe the later because some degree of irresponsibility is encouraged and often expected in young adult males...and young adult females as well for that matter. The truth is alcohol affects my brain just as much as everyone else. Sure consumption and tolerance level may very, but when the club starts spinning, somehow I’m able to stay grounded and still make fairly good decisions. By good decisions I don't mean I decide I'm fine to drive and jump behind the wheel. By good decisions I mean I have enough sense not to hook up with some random skank who I wouldn't look twice at while sober, but while drunk I'll hit it twice.

Of course I've had my fair share of regrets and questionable one night stands. Who hasn't? But what I haven't done is given a girlfriend a lame excuse followed by the infamous line "but I was drunk." Seriously? That's the best you can do? Come on now. My 5-year-old niece can lie better than that! I don't get why people feel they can use alcohol as an excuse to cheat. Actually I don't understand how people can use ANY excuse to cheat. There's a misconception that cheating is an easy way to get out of a relationship. To me that's insane! While cheating my be a faster way to get out of a relationship, it's by no means the easiest route to take! If anything, it's harder, or rather more drama-filled. I can't speak for women, but I know for men there is nothing we hate more than unnecessary drama. So why on earth would you want to create unnecessary drama in your life? It just doesn't make any sense and it baffles me when I hear guys juggling one or more girls on the side when they already have a girlfriend. If you ask me, that's more work than there is a payout.

Yes, alcohol impairs one’s better judgment, but you had a clear mind going into it! So at some point you were sober and coherent enough to make a choice about whether or not you were going to allow yourself to become shit-faced. You are responsible for that decision and every decision that follows. As an adult you’re in charge of your own body and your own decision making process. You’re also responsible for the consequences that result from making naughty body movements and naughty decisions.

Keep in mind we all know that if you are sooo drunk to the point where you can barely stand and remember things, there is no way you could "perform." Therefore attempting to use the "I was drunk and didn’t know what I was doing" excuse is total BS because if you were that wasted, you wouldn’t have physically been able to have sex. The fact that you did have sex just proves you weren’t that wasted. That you knew better, but just didn’t care. Make sense? And ladies, the inability to get it up or stay hard may not apply to you, but trust me when I say you’re lousy in bed too when you are wasted. In the crassest of terms, if I wanted to fuck a dead body, I would head to a morgue. Not sexy. Not fun.

I'm a man of simplicity. If the relationship isn't working out, I dump her. It's as simple as that. Ok, well maybe not as cold as I just made it sound. But you get my point. I don't see the need to drag things out or put myself in a club full of temptation and fuel the hormones further with alcohol. Besides, if I'm already feeling the urge to be with someone else (AKA cheat), that's a sure sign that I should be with someone else. That is when you need to break your current relationship off, BEFORE you act on your outside urges. Sometimes I think people try to make relationships harder than they really are or even need to be. Be true to yourself, to how you feel. And be true to someone else, to how they feel. Why is that so complicated?

I say suck it up. Stop being a stupid dick. Stop being a shady bitch. Just talk to your boyfriend or girlfriend. A great rule everyone should follow - don't start another relationship before your current relationship has ended. Break it off before you get off. Not only will they respect you more for being honest, they will handle the news much better. Plus, no drama! As a result, you'll sleep better at night knowing you did the right thing. That you handled it like an adult, like a decent human being who treated a fellow human being with some respect. Afterall, even if you don't love them or even care about them, they deserve that much - some respect. Give them that much. Give them a clean break.

Now go run along and be a filthy whore. You're free!

PS (Karma is a bitch. Cheat and you will one day be cheated on. It's a guarantee. And when it happens, when you get burned, I'll be the guy pouring tequila shots to celebrate your tears. I don't cheat and don't feel sorry for cheaters who get cheated on. Cheers!)