My Unforeseen And Unrecognizable "Feelings"?

Probably the only thing more inappropriate than her behavior, was my reaction to it. I didn’t throw a full blown hissy fit, but I did act a little childish, throwing out snide remarks here and there. I just couldn’t drop it and I certainly should have. I have a bad habit of that, letting things fester inside of me. Although I suppose it’s healthier to let it out than to harbor it. Healthier for me that is, not for her. Afterall, who really wants to hear that crap? All it does is make me look pathetic and immature, a look that surely isn’t sexy on me. What I was hoping I could play off as a little harmless teasing, she saw right thru. Yes, part of me was joking around, but another part of me...well I can’t even explain that because I for one don’t even know what it is, let alone where it came from. If I didn’t know better, I would say it masqueraded itself as "feelings". Feelings? Feelings! I don’t have feelings for her. I barely know her! So why was I suddenly annoyed that she blurted out to me that she had a one-night stand over the weekend?

I need to retract my first statement about her behavior being inappropriate, because in a way, it’s not. That’s just me having my man-period and acting like a little bitch again. Besides, I am in no position to judge since I’ve had my fair share of one-night stands as well. These are usually not proud moments one reflects on in life. And the realization usually hits you as soon as the sun rises. More often than not, a one-night stand occurs because you acted upon your sexual urges rather than a well thought out decision making process, obviously. Throw some alcohol into the mix and you can see where this is headed - straight to the bedroom. She doesn’t have a boyfriend and it’s not like we are dating. So really, why should I care what she does? Seriously, someone tell me why I do? Not only does this "whatever it is called" feel ridiculous to me, but it’s sort of scaring me as well. Look, I couldn’t even say the word! It’s that f-word, but not fuck, the other more offensive word. Feelings. Ugh. Just writing it out sends a cold shiver down my spine.

After she told me about her hookup, the message quickly transmitted, but it took about 30 minutes before the light went off in my head in terms of what it meant to me. At first I was puzzled. And then it hit me, like a giant neon sign flashing in my skull. FEELINGS. FEELINGS. FEELINGS. I had barely digested it, but it was already making me a tad nauseous. But why? This is crazy! So how do I handle it? I have a fling or two myself and be sure to inform her about it...because I decided to be super mature like that, note the sarcasm.

I’m a glutton for punishment, so I stupidly asked her if he was a good lay. A RHETORICAL question I might add! Unfortunately for me, she took it literally and answered! The kind thing would have been NOT to answer, or better yet, lie to me. It’s not like I would know any different. However, how is she supposed to know I would be bothered by the details? We are "pals" - nothing more, nothing less. And one of my guy buddies bragging about a recent hookup doesn’t bother me, so this shouldn’t either, right? Right? This is totally unacceptable.

Feelings? I don’t have feelings. I’m perfectly fine with it. (And don’t debate me on that.)