Identity Crisis

About 2 years ago I met a girl from NYC, who unknown to her, taught me a valuable lesson. Discretion. It’s not that I didn’t know the meaning of being discreet, it was more that I didn’t always apply a level of discreetness in my life that perhaps I should have. I could use the phrase that "I was young, dumb and full of c...", but I think my immaturity and my hormone surges were only half of it. I was in college and craving attention. Attention not just from girls, but attention from the guys as well - to boost my social status. I suppose looking back I shouldn’t be so hard on myself. All guys brag and boast to a point, the point being where does it end? It ended for me when I began approaching my mid-twenties. One night stands and random hook-ups started to look cheap. Getting wasted and acting like an idiot started to look pathetic. I was growing up from the frat boy on spring break who was lost among a sea of boobs and booze, to dare I say, a decent and respectable young man? When I wasn’t studying or playing basketball, I would spend my free time fraternizing with those that most likely went on to grace the upcoming year’s cover of a "Girls Gone Wild" DVD. I would return each semester to campus greeted by high-fives for concurring the previous semester’s easiest lays. Today, those "achievements" are not impressive to me.

At the end of 4 years, I graduated from college knowing more about myself than perhaps the amount of knowledge I digested from text books and class lectures combined. What I learned were things that a professor couldn’t teach me. Sometimes you grow best on your own. And sometimes you need to find that one girl who helps you grow into the man you never dreamed you could be. I was lucky enough to find such a girl during my college years and to this day, I cherish every minute I spent with her. She was my first true love. Sadly though, a year after graduation we parted ways, but I still carry with me the things she’s taught me and we have managed to remain close friends. Despite the fact that she once broke my heart, I have always credited her for changing my life for the better and will continue to do so until the day I die.

It wasn’t until she came along that I wanted to be safe from all the stupid questions like "hey man, did you get some?" "That’s so dumb", I would think as I rolled my eyes. For the first time in my life, it wasn’t about getting laid. Just the mere thought of telling my buddies what we did the night before seemed so slimey and wrong. To kiss and tell, I just couldn’t do it anymore. I had no right to share a story that most likely would be exaggerated just to make things sound extra dirty or juicer than they really were. Why should my buddies get the privilege of knowing a girl’s inner most secrets and sexual escapades that I was dating? I would not tell these tales, nor would I fabricate a tale just for their own devious pleasure. I did not need their approval. I did not need their pats on the back. From now on I was practicing discretion and it felt good. It felt really, really good. They say good things happen when you make good choices and I choose to keep our intimacy just that – intimate. I no longer sought attention from my peers. Instead, I turned my attention solely on her.

When I browse thru blogs, I’ve come to realize that many people still seek that attention. Let’s be honest, running a blog in itself is a bit narcistic to begin with. Narcissism is something I would not like to be associated with. Spend any amount of time with me and you will soon realize, I would much rather hear about you than talk about myself. It’s sort of a double edged sword in the sense that although I choose to be somewhat mysterious and keep a certain degree of anonymousness in my life, I also feel the need to bleed myself out at times and allow raw emotions and thoughts to pour out of me and into this blog. The power and manner in which I open up varies from the trickling drip-drop of a leaky faucet to the powering gush of a broken dam. It’s often difficult to predict the speed or intensity of this outpouring until I’ve put it down on paper.

Believe it or not, I actually signed up for a Blogger account in 2002, but never made a single entry post until 3 years later in 2005! Why? Because I hated the narcistic persona that was tied to bloggers and blogging. I didn’t want classified into that group. That stereotype alone kept me from writing for 3 solid years. I would even form a pseudo name "DIAMONDKT", to further protect my identity and shield myself from the misrepresentation that it’s all about me, me, me. Because of this, my intent at the time was to not compose personal entries, but to write about tech news. Somewhere along the way I noticed people being more intrigued by my side comments and my sense of humor, rather than my journalistic style of reporting. Somewhere among the accolades, I began sharing pieces of myself. Pieces of my life, of the lessons I have learned and of the pain that brought me to understanding those teachings.

Along this journey I’ve come to realize its ok to be me, to be true to myself. Just use some discretion when I choose to tell a story because it’s not always about "me". Other people are involved in this thing called my life. Personally, I find the "gift of gab" ruins intimacy in a relationship. If I wanted the world to know my business, I would tell them myself. Demonstrating discretion, I find it to be an incredibly smart and sexy trait she displays. And I thank her for showing me how to apply discretion to my own life and to our "little thing". Although I'll admit, it was hard not to brag about you, even if it was just to my Mom.