Antique Anti-Masturbation Device

You know the old saying..."Everytime you masturbate God kills a kitten." Well from my understanding, a kitten has never died due to someone jerking it. And as far as I know, neither has a person. Unless of course you are talking about those freaks with that suffocation fetish where they choke themselves out with a belt around their throat just when they are ready to...well, you know. Now I can’t speak for all women, but if you are a guy and you claim you’ve never spanked it – YOU ARE A LIAR! I don’t care if you are getting laid on a regular basis or not, every guy plays with it now and then. It’s just how it is. However, in some religions and cultures masturbation is forbidden! So what do all of those pre-pubescent boys do? Well they turn to eBay and bid on an antique anti-masturbation device of course.

This circa 1880 anti-masturbation device was up for auction on eBay earlier in February. The starting bid was $1,500 and sold for just under $3,000.

From the auction listing:
EXTREMELY RARE ANTI MASTURBATION DEVICE DATING FROM c1880. THE COPPER SHAPED DEVICE WAS ATTACHED TO A BELT AND WORN BY BOYS AS A MEANS OF PREVENTING NOCTURNAL EMISSIONS. VERY MUCH AN INDICATION OF SOCIETIES VIEWS ON ONANISM IN THE 19TH CENTURY. THIS IS THE FIRST EXAMPLE WE HAVE OFFERED FOR SALE IN 24 YEARS. THE CONDITION IS EXCELLENT 3 ½ INCHES TOP TO BASE.

Huh, nocturnal emissions? I’ll need to reference Dictionary.com for this. I’m guessing that would be a wet dream? And what is onanism? (Nevermind, I looked it up. It means to pull out during intercourse.) Stop using these big words! These poor pre-pubescent boys are going out of their mind from not being allowed to spank their monkey as it is, so why turn up the cruelty meter and throw unknown vocab at them?

Can you imagine strapping on a "used" sexual device? And even more shocking, who’s junk can fit into a compartment that is only 3 ½ inches in size? Damn! If you’re only 3 ½ inches long, you have bigger problems than not being allowed to masturbate. Sorry kido.