Better Than Sliced Bread

Think of it as God's gift to consumers. It's perhaps one of the best inventions since sliced bread. No, it’s not the Flowbee or The Clapper. Those are both piss poor products if you ask me. This is something much cooler. Something 10x better. Something as useful as the jockstrap and as multipurpose as the Swiss Army knife. It’s as universal as the remote control and “almost” as awesome as the iPhone. You may want to sit down to prepare for this news as I proudly introduce the Dual Bladed EZ Clam Shell Opener.

Huh what’s that, you say. Well basically it’s a little gadget that allows you to effortlessly open plastic clam shells. You know those annoying vacuum sealed packages that everything under the sun comes in. Those plastic packages which are so freaking airtight that not even an angry grizzly bear could tear into if his life depended on it. In the past, I’ve bloodied my fingers and teeth trying to open them. That was before I resorted to stabbing it with a butcher knife in a Psycho shower scene reenactment.

Not only is the Dual Bladed EZ Clam Shell Opener my dream come true, but it’s also the answer to all my problems and questions, except this one…now why couldn’t I think of that?

I would be sitting pretty as a multi-millionaire if I had. Damn this unclever brain of mine.