Scary Vagina

I take pride in the amount of creativity I put into my Halloween costumes. I think one of my most memorable costumes ideas was in college when I gathered my fraternity brothers together and we dressed up like a box of Multi Pack Tampax Tampons. Depending on each guy’s body type, he was assigned to portray a specific Tampon – light, regular and heavy flow. I was mid cycle, regular absorbency. Our bodies were tightly wrapped in a white foam/cotton-like material, complete with the cord on our head. We then segregated the light, regular and heavy flow tampons by sectioning ourselves off in a makshift Tampax box constructed out of giant cardboard walls. There we stood on the front lawn of our fraternity house. We would yell obscenities and insults at those who passed by to simulate the feeling of PMS. It felt kind of good to act like a bitch and use PMS as an excuse.

Watching a heavy flow tampon do a keg stand remains as one of my fondest college memories. Now I don’t know about blood, but I can attest to the fact that tampons absorb Yuengling beer surpringly well! That year we took home first prize, “Best Costume”, in the annual Halloween campus parade. I’m relieved to say it’s not my most noteworthy college achievement, but it does rank right up there in terms of pride.

Besides playing the role of a bitch, I also played the role of a dickhead (I’m sure I’ve played the role of a “dickhead” on other days besides Oct 31, but you get the idea). One year a friend of mine and I decided to dress as a pussy and dick. Since I was taller than him, I opted to go as the dick, because we all know a big dick is better than a little dick, right? However, never did I seem to put the two Halloween costume ideas together like this guy (see above photo) did and pull off one the most offensive/humorous costumes I’ve seen in a long time. You can’t really see it from the photo, but he was in desperate need of a bikini wax! And just for the record, that vagina scares me!

This year, I had little time to put together a good Halloween party costume. So I went as a pimp and my date was my ho. I must say “my kinda sorta not really girlfriend” makes one smoking hot ho! We considered doing role reversal, me being the ho and her being the pimp, but not even my arm could fit into her miniskirt. Besides, I just don’t have the legs for it.

Now my niece is only 3-years-old and I can’t show up to surprise her dressed as a pimp, so I went as a dust bunny. I put on pink bunny ears and stuck dryer lint to my clothes = dust bunny. Of course, it would have helped if she actually knew what a dust bunny was. Oh well, Halloween was fun regardless.

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