Keys To My Heart

Forget Magic 8 Balls, crystal balls, Ouija boards, tarot card readings, pixie dust or even waiving a magic wand. Not even the great psychic Miss Cleo herself can see into me as clearly as BlogThings.com can. Yes, I know, it's a frivolous website that is most likely geared to pre-teen girls with too much time on their hands. However, put that stereotype aside and check it out - seriously. You may recall that I posted about this website a few months ago. Well since then I have forgot the site even existed, until I came across it once again, randomly. So I had 2 minutes of time to waste and decided to try my hand at the one test called "Keys To My Heart". I wanted to see how accurate this thing was because in the past I've been really surprised how well it matches me.

The Keys to Your Heart

You are attracted to good manners and elegance. In love, you feel the most alive when your lover is creative and never lets you feel bored. You'd like to your lover to think you are stylish and alluring. You would be forced to break up with someone who was emotional, moody, and difficult to please. Your ideal relationship is lasting. You want a relationship that looks to the future... one you can grow with. Your risk of cheating is zero. You care about society and morality. You would never break a commitment. You think of marriage as something precious. You'll treasure marriage and treat it as sacred. In this moment, you think of love as something you thirst for. You'll do anything for love, but you won't fall for it easily.

What Are The Keys To Your Heart?

Wow! I have to say that this has me down to an exact T! I don't think I could of put it in a more straight forward manner, simple, clear and gets right to the heart of it. It's a little freaky that this website can sum a person up after just answering a few questions, but somehow BlogThings.com manages to do it and does it very well...or at least in my experience it has been accurate. It's important that you answer all the questions honestly. I believe this one contained less than 10 questions all relating to animals for some reason. So go try it out and see how well it matches you.

I've always had a pretty clear idea of what I look for in a woman and based on prior relationships, I have an ever better understanding of the things I really cherish in a woman and even the things I don't want in a woman. I've come to realize what the keys to my heart are, but I never thought a website would be able to see what lies in me. I'm impressed.

It's True Because Miss Cleo Says So
Miss Cleo, the self-proclaimed Jamaican psychic, is back at it again. From late-night TV infomercials in the '90s to blogosphere predictions in 2006, not even Dionna Warwick's flared nose and The Psychic Friends Network can stop her. Like a good swami, she pulls a magical card from her hat. On it holds my future, my horoscope for today. Hey mon, read this...

Your Scorpio Horoscope for January 31, 2006
Use your charisma and finesse to get what you want in your personal life. But when it comes to an important business arrangement, you may have to bend more than you think. A passionate encounter is apparent.

Perfect! Who doesn't want to close out the first month of the New Year getting laid...and a passionate session at that! Miss Cleo, you're alright girl. That news was well worth the $2.95 per minute charge. Only a crazy person wouldn't believe your tarot card reading. I mean we all know it's just as reliable as the palm reading or looking into your crystal ball of power. It's just common knowledge that Miss Cleo posses a rare gift and she should be viewed as a higher life form than the rest of us. I don't know what the FTC was talking about, they should release you from prison at once! I say free Miss Cleo!

Mother F-ing Son Of A Beeeeep
Damn it! How did I miss a Cussing Convention and Swearing Festival? I'm not f*cking kidding, there really was such an event held in San Francisco the other week. It was held in a pub, no surprise there. Of course a truck stop or catholic girl's school would of been a fitting atmosphere as well, considering everyone loves a lady with a trucker-mouth and nobody can out-cuss Sister Mary. I bet you didn't know that swearing takes up 13% of adult conversation, not to mention that 72% of men and 58% of women swear in public. Can you believe that sh*t? I wonder how many people swear online? Not f-ing me, that's for f-ing sure.

I'm sure the "F bombs" were going off right and left. I also bet that the most hated cuss word of all-time, the "C word", made an appearance at the event. Want to see a woman commit murder? Don't call her a b*tch, call her that "C word" and I can nearly guarantee you that she will slice your throat faster than OJ. Hey, I'm a guy and I even hate hearing that word. I wonder if they kiss their Mother with that mouth. Anyway, you want to know what the Cussing Convention and Swearing Festival event schedule was for the day right? Well, here was the lineup...

• Panel forum of swearing experts (whatever the hell that is) debate the current state of foul language in the culture and the media.
• The Mass Swearing Experiment - A multi-media exposure of us and our mouths.
• A Most Horrible, Vile Oaths Contest
• Classic Cussing Performances from Movies, Literature and Music
• The Shit Parade
• Filthy, Foreign Tongues - Foreign guests educate America on how to cuss like a drunken sailor outside the US.
• Shite Discotheque Party
• Special guests, raffle prizes and a book sale.

Basically it's a swearing ponderosa full of lots of pointless crap...I mean sh*t. Maybe next year those bastards will remember to mail me an invite.

Man's Colon Cancer Death Blamed On Ass Xeroxing
In an journal issue of the American Medical Association, a University of Chicago study has established a conclusive link between colon cancer and Xeroxing one's ass. Hot on the heels of the study follows the $30 million civil suit award by a Florida jury to the family of Floridian Barry Lesky, office prankster and renowned buttocks photocopier who died of colon cancer in late 1996.

In response to the findings and legal rulings surrounding their products, major manufacturers of photocopy machines are scheduled to testify before Congress to ascertain whether or not they knew their office equipment to possess such butt-zapping power. A spokesman for the Xerox corporation had this to say..."It is our position that buttocks photo replication poses no statistical risk of harm to the participant". They went on to ask people to save the potential embarrassment of having their pasty flat hams posted on the office bulletin board for all to jeer at.

Thus far, public response has been strongly in favor of photocopy regulation. The Surgeon General has mandated the application of cautionary labels on all photocopy machines that explicitly warn against the risky behavior. Many feel if consenting adults want to throw away their health and their money on a dangerous practice like ass copying, that's their business...but for God's sake let's educate our children about photocopy safety and protect them from these merchants of death!

Introducing The Ass Copier 5000
For longer than anyone can remember in the workplace, ass-copying technology has always been too far "behind" the times, taking up the rear in function-specific business innovations. However, there is a new business product available which is expected to give the rump-replicating market a good kick in the pants. I introduce to you the revolutionary Ass Copier 500, or better known as ASS 5000. It's a spanking-new business tool that has been introduced to plug a gaping hole in office administration. Before the creation of a back-end solution, copying products were unable to meet the demand of partying office workers or disgruntled mail-room staff. Attempts to scan company cornholes usually led to serious damage to existing equipment, which was never intended for posterior reproductions. Now that is all about to change thanks to the ASS 5000!

One of the advantages of the new ASS 5000 is that it will significantly reduce damage to existing standard copiers, making ass copying on your old Xerox a thing of the past. After only a few fannies, the ASS 5000 will have paid for itself! The flat screens of normal copiers were never intended to support the heavy weight of human hindsides. The tempered plate glass panel of the new ass copiers will support the bottoms of most of the office staff. Realizing that support is important in situations where alcohol may be consumed, the ASS 5000 goes the extra mile by sporting arms, a backrest and an optional drink-holder. A fold-out step-ladder is conveniently set inside the front panel for height-challenged members of the office. A contoured keister seat is also available as an upgrade, but critics claim the moulded glass distorts the photocopies, making the model look over-weight.

The ASS 5000 isn't all about appearances, though. With the latest electronics inside, it will reduce running costs with programmed multi-functionality. It boosts all-in-one capabilities from the same seat including copying, scanning, faxing and printing. So while photocopying 50 copies of your derriere for distribution in the lunch room, a high-resolution scan can be sent to the main server for e-mailing to outside clients or faxed directly to a programmed list of recipients. Now THAT is how to conduct business!

Most business photocopy machines are still black and white. While the base model ASS 5000 uses standard toner and the ASS 5001 is a full-color machine with a special skin-tone palette for more accurate reproductions, without constant recalibration. The manufacturer claims accuracy for everyone from the pasty tones of Richie Cunningham to dark shades of a Wesley Snipes and everyone in between. At a stellar 20 cheeks-per-minute the machine is fast enough for "run and grab" moments when you know the boss is just around the corner. A special teflon-like coating on the glass means smears, smudges and streaks are easy to remove. The bottom line is that the ASS 5000 and ASS 5001 are the business solutions to meet your ass-copying requirements. The manufacturer has plans to expand their product line in the next 2 years with a PC scrotum scanner, a virtual pelvic mapper and a digital ass camera - all products the entire world is eagerly anticipating.

A Real Life "Giving Tree"

If you've followed my blog for at least a week, then you recall my little personal mission as of late. It started when I proposed this question 1 Second Added To Your Life, What Will You Do With It? The very next day I took a page out of the movie "Pay It Forward" and decided that my Random Act Of Kindness Will Continue. So that brings us to this week in the 3rd installment of getting to know "Old Man Baker". If you have no clue what I am talking about at this point, then you will have to go catch up and read those 2 posts because I can't rehash the story to catch everyone up to speed weekly. It's like a blog soap opera. You can probably pick the story up in mid episode, but to thoroughly enjoy the saga, you should start from the beginning and keep following every Friday. Was that a shameless self plug for my blog right there? I think it was. Oh well, onto my tale.

If you were like me growing up, then you loved the story "The Giving Tree" by Shel Silverstein (read the ebook here). It's a children's book, but it's a story that can be appreciated by even those who are not young at heart. Maybe I shouldn't say I loved the book because at times it made me very sad. However, I think that is good. Good because it means that it was speaking to me and teaching me those all important life lessons. Words that even the most articulate and poetic of those surrounding me were not able to convey to me. Forgive me for quoting Hillary Clinton (because I can't stand her), "it takes a village to raise a child". Well I tend to feel that it may of taken just this book to raise me. If you have never read this book, I highly suggest you do, no matter if you are 5 or 85.

"Once there was a tree and she loved a little boy"...so begins a story of unforgettable perception that is beautifully written with just a few words and illustrated by the simplest of lines. Everyday the boy would come to the tree to eat her apples, swing from her branches or slide down her trunk...and the tree was happy. But as the boy grew older he began to want more from the tree and the tree gave and gave and gave, until there was nothing more to give...or was there? It's a story that is touched with sadness, aglow with consolation. The author has created a moving parable for readers of all ages that offers an affecting interpretation of the gift of giving and a serene acceptance of another's capacity to love in return.

To say that this particular apple tree is a "giving tree" is an understatement. The tree starts out as a leafy playground, shade provider and apple bearer for a rambunctious little boy. Making the boy happy makes the tree happy, but with time it becomes more challenging for the generous tree to meet his needs. When he asks for money, she suggests that he sell her apples. When he asks for a house, she offers her branches for lumber. When the boy is old, too old and sad to play in the tree, he asks the tree for a boat. She suggests that he cut her down to a stump so he can craft a boat out of her trunk. He unthinkingly does it. At this point in the story, the double-page spread shows a pathetic solitary stump, poignantly cut down to the heart the boy once carved into the tree as a child that said "M.E. + T." "And then the tree was happy... but not really." When there's nothing left of her, the boy returns again as an old man, needing a quiet place to sit and rest. The stump offers up her services and he sits on it. "And the tree was happy." While the message of this book is unclear (Take and take and take? Give and give and give? Complete self-sacrifice is good? Complete self-sacrifice is infinitely sad?), the author has perhaps deliberately left the book open to interpretation. That to me is what makes this story and the lessons it teaches so amazing.

So what does this book have to do with "Old Man Baker"? Well yesterday morning, I once again passed the old man. Just like the prior Thursday, he was once again hunched over sweeping the sidewalk outside his store. His head was also once again down, with wind burned hands tightly gripping the broom. Like last week, I once again said hello, but this time he didn't seem to hear me. Perhaps he wasn't ready to speak. Whatever the case may be, I decided that today would not be a day I would strike up a conversation with the old man. Today would be a day I would observe. As I stood on the street corner with all the "suits and ties" who more than likely were on their way into the law office just 2 blocks away, I observed the group of attorneys and "Old Man Baker". Some of the lawyers were sipping their morning latté while others were fumbling with their newspapers and checking messages on their cell phones. Then out of the corner of my eye, there was the old man. I noticed his right hand trembling as he switched his grip on the broom handle. It was made of wood that was cracked down the middle and splintering at the edges. His hands appeared red and cold. The trembling in his fingers became obvious even from a 10 foot distance.

Just before traffic came to a hault giving me a chance to cross over the street, I watched a boy approach the old man. The boy looked to be about 10-years-old. He tapped the old man on the shoulder and a short discussion took place. I couldn't hear what was said, but I watched as the old man reached in his coat pocket, the same coat that was lightly covered in flour dust from the bakery. After a few seconds he pulled his trembling hand back out of his pocket and looked at it. The contents in his hand were empty. He then proceeded to lift his jacket some and reach into his front pants pocket. He fumbled around for a few seconds more and pulled out what appeared to be a $1 dollar bill and some loose coins. Change is all he gave the boy and quickly the boy shouted thanks and took off running down the street with his backpack swinging behind him.

Just like The Giving Tree book, I'm going to leave this story open to interpretation. There are a number of ways I can go with this and show you the lessons I was shown in real life, rather than reading them in a book. However, I think it may be more beneficial if I let you ponder this for yourself. Think about "Old Man Baker". Think about this little unknown boy that approached him. Think of the act I witnessed. Think of me as I have grown up from being a little boy, into a teenager, into an adult and one day will be an old man myself. Think of the age difference between me and "Old Man Baker" and think of how I've been intrigued enough with this old man to approach him each week, hoping to know the man hiding underneath that tattered coat with the trembling fingers. Is he a real life "Giving Tree"? Am I a "Giving Tree" from a different era? Are we all "Giving Trees" of give and take from all different generations?

With such simple words and drawings "The Giving Tree" conveys such a strong message of love. You can never be too old for this book. At different points in your life it can mean different things to you from when you're struggling with difficult issues in your life, to when things are going well. We've all been the tree and the boy at one time in our lives. I ask myself, what time is it now? I've spent that 1 second and in a blink of an eye, it has opened up a whole new world. A world that before now I only ever read about in a book. Now I may be really seeing it for the first time. Now I may be living it. The Giving Tree is once again growing.

Cleanliness Is Next To Godliness

I should give everyone fair warning that you may not want to read this post and view the photo if you are already a germaphob, have a weak stomach or you are currently living in an air-tight plastic bubble to shield yourself from this dirty, dirty world we live in. If you fall into any of these categories, I suggest you stop reading now before your body goes into shock. I'm about to dish up the dirt, letting you know how filthy that office you work in really is. Trust me, it won't be pretty, but it will be educational. So grab a gallon of bleach and a scrub brush. You may want to rub your own skin off after learning about the creepy crawlies many of us are unaware of living right under our very fingertips (insert shuttering here).

A study was conducted to measure normal bacterial levels inside offices across America. They found that paper isn't all that's piling up on desks. In fact, the average desk harbors 400 times more bacteria than the average toilet seat! For bacteria, a desk is really the laptop of luxury - feasting all day from breakfast to lunch and even thru dinner. Unless desks are wiped clean with a disinfectant during the day, bacteria levels climb higher and higher, peaking after lunch. The study, funded by a grant from The Clorox Company, found that surfaces in personal work areas such as offices and cubes, had higher bacteria levels than surfaces in common areas. Telephones came in as the #1 home for office germs, followed by desks, water fountain handles, microwave door handles and computer keyboards. Surprisingly, toilet seats consistently had the lowest bacteria levels of the 12 surfaces tested in the study.

We don’t think twice about eating at our desks, even though the average desk has 100 times more bacteria than a kitchen table and 400 times more bacteria than the average toilet. Without cleaning, a small area on your desk or phone can sustain millions of bacteria that could potentially cause illness. With more people spending more time at their desks, with the average workweek increasing to 47 hours, bacteria are finding plenty to snack on. If that wasn't bad enough, they discovered that your keyboard is dirtier than your toilet! You should absolutely wash your hands after using a computer keyboard. There is a whopping 265 times more bacteria on a keyboard than on a toilet seat! Basically, you are probably better off eating your lunch off your office toilet seat than at your office desk.

Workers can control the spread of illness-causing bacteria by helping to stop the spread of germs. You should clean your personal workspace regularly. By using disinfecting wipes bacteria levels decrease drastically (99.9%). Among people who did not use wipes, bacteria levels increased an average of 19-31% on their telephone, computer mouse, keyboard and desktop surfaces throughout a typical workday. So your Mother was right all these years when she told you "wash your hands, you don't know what germs you can get". Well now we know what germs we can get, where we can get them and that there's alot of them just waiting to land on our keyboards! Now if you'll excuse me, I'm a bit of a clean freak myself so I feel the overwhelming urge to go and disinfect this keyboard.