The "Men Suck Bouquet"

When you care enough to send the very best, send the "Men Suck Bouquet". It's everything a girl needs and nothing she doesn't. Everything meaning flowers. Nothing meaning a man. It's the perfect gift for my sister right now as she goes thru yet another "I hate men" phases. She will often turn to me in frustration and/or tears and ask me to help unravel her latest mistake. During an hour long phone conversation that reached from the west coast to the east cost, she asked me numerous "why, why, why do men do that" questions. I feel that I gave her many good, honest answers from a male point of view. Although probably the best reason I could give her was the one that I let my pen bleed onto a small 2x3 inch card. Affixed to a bright bouquet of sweet smelling girly pedals, it read...

The "Men Suck Bouquet"
...because men are pigs.
(your little brother not included)

Love,
An Understanding Ear

Cheer up Jen or I'll be forced to send you more ridiculously colorful flowers.

What A Difference A Day Makes (9-11 Five Years Later)

I've been thinking about whether or not I want to write today. I feel that today would be better spent with my pen down. I realized that although I am remembering 9-11, I don't want to relive it. I don't want to write about it and make others relive it. Too many people haven't stopped "living it" and today although we remember, in a way we would love to forget.

This morning, two soaring towers of light will defiantly pierce the sky from the wounded western stretch of lower Manhattan. These luminous ghosts are a tribute to remembering what hardly had been forgotten. That exactly 5 years ago today, on September 11th, a terrorist attack destroyed the World Trade Center, killed more than 2,800 innocent people and changed the lives of everyone across our nation.

September 11, 2001. What a difference a day makes.

Anger Bar Allows Patrons To K.O. The Staff

If you are an angry drunk, I have the bar for you! Do you feel like bitch slapping the waitress when she spills your beer? Would you like to dropkick the bartender when he forgets the olive in your dirty martini? Or maybe the DJ won't play your request and you just want to beat him like an ugly stepchild. If this is the case, then you may want to head to eastern China where you will find a bar that actually allows patrons to beat the staff there within an inch of their life! Apparently the bar is a big hit - literally and figuratively speaking. Unlike most bars where you can "get down", The Rising Sun Anger Release Bar allows you to "beat down". It is said to be a novel way of attracting customers.

Once inside, customers smash glasses, rant and even hit specially trained workers. The owner, Wu Gong, says he was inspired to open the bar by his experiences as a migrant worker. Which from my understanding, equals out to alot of built up hostility and aggression needing to be released. The bar employs 20 men who have been given protective gear and physical training to prepare them for the job. Clients can ask the men to dress as the character they wish to attack - boss, bitter ex-girlfriend, etc.

Naturally, people are divided on the idea of the bar. On one hand some say that pressure in today's society comes from just about everywhere and having a place to vent anger is a good thing. While others say that violence is not the answer. If people really feel that angry, they should adjust their lifestyles or seek psychological treatment. I tend to agree with the later statement. Although, the idea of beating someone decorated as the person you despise does seems attractive. I'm thinking this is a place were drunken sailors could unite.

Baby Shits Gold!

I don't give a shit that Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes are on the cover of Vanity Fair showcasing off their daughter's first public baby photos. Maybe you don't give a shit either, but apparently someone does give a shit. Her name is Suri Cruise and not only does she give a shit, but her shit is gold! Little baby Cruise shits gold. Can you believe that? Yeah, I shit you not. While most proud parents bronze their baby's first shoes or even rattle, "TomKat" has decided to petrify poo. Suri's first dump has been preserved in gold. If we can find any bit of sanity in turning human feces to 24karat gold, it's that at least you can't smell the poo. That's a plus, right?

Suri Cruise's golden baby poop statue goes on display August 30th at Capla Kesting Fine Art in Brooklyn's Williamsburg gallery district. The artist...yes, you guessed it...none other than Daniel Edwards. The same dude that brought you Britney Spears giving birth on a bearskin rug and a topless Hillary Clinton. Both pieces nauseating, as is this baby poop statue. Suri's bronzed poop is purportedly cast from the excretion of her first solid meal. Mmm, yummy. Strained peas? Carrots? Your guess is as good as mine.

Supposedly, a baby's first log can be a meaningful memento for the family and since this is "celebrity poop", apparently it's meaningful to the public (myself not included). Daniel Edwards "First Poop" is being auctioned off on eBay. Proceeds will benefit the March Of Dimes. (Would that be considered "dirty money"?)

Suri's baby shit will be exhibited under a display case until the eBay auction ends. However, don't worry bidders. If you are outbid, you can still pickup this piece of shit as Daniel Edwards will produce a limited edition plaster replica in addition to the original. Currently the auction is up to $10,000 and ends on Friday, September 8th at 12:00PM EST. So you better hurry if you want a chunk.

Taller = Smarter AND Richer

I usually categorize these news articles under the "Stupid Studies" section on my blog. However, this study is not stupid. It's genius! Genius to me because at 6'1, I would be classified as being on the tall side. So if this study is true, and they claim it is, then this is very good news for me. Like it or not, it's been proven that attractive people earn more than average looking Joes. And even though it's 2006, women still earn less than a man for the same work. Unfair, yes, but proven true. So here is just one more "fact" that is sure to get some people's panties in a bind.

It is well-documented that short people earn less money than tall people do. If you compare two large groups of people who are similar in every respect but height, the average pay for the taller group will be higher. The study finds that tall people earn more on average because they're smarter, on average. Ooooo! Even at age 5, a variety of intelligence measures (based on conceptual maturity, visual-motor coordination and vocabulary) are higher on average for taller kids.

Maybe this just makes it easier to step on the little people as you make your way up the corporate ladder? Of course you can always advance your career the old fashion way...sleeping your way to the top. Remember, it's not who you know, but who you blow. And when you are short, you don't even have to get on your knees to get the job done! Oh the irony.

One-Night Stand Etiquette (3 Credits)

School is back in session and for college freshman, I'm going to share something that you won't find in your student handbook. This information is handed down from those that have walked the campus before you. And one day, as an alumni, you will past this same information down to a lonely underclassman - so unaware, so uninformed, so naive. The course is not an elective, but rather a part of your core curriculum! It's "One-Night Stand Etiquette". We've all had them, some more than others. And if you are a first year co-ed, you most likely will expierence these encounters so it's important you have a solid understanding of the proper etiquette of a one-nighter. So grab your Pink Pet eraser and pencil, class is in session. Your instructor...I give you Miss Chelsea.

Pay particular attention to "foot, roll, door".

***UPDATE***
Sorry, it seems the full video is no longer available. This video is only the first 2:12 seconds of it.

I Refuse To Labor This Labor Day Weekend

Every Labor Day weekend growing up, I was called to duty. The annual "closing of the family pool". The annual "sealing of the driveway". The annual "insert chore here". My sisters managed to squeeze by the call of duty. A slick move on their part that I despised. But me, being the youngest and perhaps the least slyest, I was stuck doing chores when everyone else was enjoying the final weekend of summer. Now that I'm grown, I refuse to labor this Labor Day weekend. I'm finally putting my foot down...in a flip-flop, in the sand.

This Labor Day weekend, I will do whatever MY little heart desires. I will eat. I will drink. I will sleep. I will have my fun. I will not labor. Sorry Dad, this year you're on your own.

Love,
Your Ungrateful and Selfish Son. :)