Jump...If You Can Write Your Own Suicide Note

As you may or may not be aware, I’m an adrenaline junkie! And like any true junkie, I get my "fix" a number of ways, often more than once a week. I routinely race my sportbike on Thursday nights with speeds often in excess of 160mph, which some compare to a game of Russian Roulette. And on other weeknights, I find that I feel most alive when fighting for my life in an steel octagon cage, MMA-style. Is that sick and twisted? Maybe, but to me, it's really an indescribable feeling and an experience that compares to no other, not even sex. There's not any pill, powder, or needle in this world that could possibly be a worthy substitute. It just couldn't produce this almost unimaginable high that I receive - a state of euphoria. Although the problem with being an adrenaline junkie is that you always want more. In essence, it's a drug and I'm its addict. You crave it in every inch of your body and every corner of your mind. You find yourself always needing to crank it up a notch in terms of danger and excitement. Because if you don't, the thrill will cease to exist. And without thrills in life, what's the point in living? Simply put, I'm a thrill seeker who has an insatiable thirst for adventure. And I’ll do pretty much anything for a rush...and I do mean anything. I'll willingly jump out of perfectly good plane, base jump from the tallest building, or drop out of a helicopter into the Alps and snowboard my way down the mountain all in the name of thrill seeking. Because to me, it all sounds like F-U-N!

So it shouldn't be a shocker to anyone that I recently checked into base jumping. Only problem - you need to be a very experienced skydiver first, which I am not. For your own safety, they require you to have a couple hundred skydive jumps under your belt before you attempt your first base jump (which by the way it's illegal to base jump in most areas). So it looks like I'll have to work myself up to that level. But first things first. Right now it's time to jump from a plane!

When I learned that a skydiver's terminal velocity can reach 120mph, my immediate reaction was..."Is that it?" To some it may sound like total insanity to jump from a plane at 13,000 feet in the air with nothing more than a parachute strapped to your back as you plummet to the earth below. But again, to me, this sounds like F-U-N! So where do I sign up? How do I get started? I'm eager and anxious to soar like a bird! It's then that they lay it on me. The catch. There's always a catch.

"Before you jump, you have to write your own suicide note.
You know, just in case."

Seriously? I couldn't believe what I was hearing, but yet, it made complete sense. "Just in case", they say it so nonchalant! Just in case something doesn't go according to plan they can inform your loved ones of your rather untimely death. So they can present them with a note, along with your mangled body, or whatever is left of your mangled body. It's a morbid thought and I think they are joking, but they aren't. They are dead serious (no pun intended). Apparently it's their standard policy and they don't let you opt out of the suicide note. If you don't write it, you can't jump. It's as simple as that. Or so they make it sound. But writing your own suicide note is anything but simple! It is without a doubt the hardest letter you will ever compose, that is IF you are ever faced with composing it.

They slide a blank sheet of crisp, white paper across the counter toward me along with a blue, ballpoint pen. "Take your time, whenever you're ready", they instructed me. I suppose that was supposed to give me some type of comfort? It did nothing to ease my uneasiness. A queasy feeling came over my stomach and my head and palms began to perspire. I became dizzy and took an empty chair against the wall where I could lean my head back on the cold bricks. Looking around the facility I wondered if all the other jumpers stuffing their parachutes had done this too. I assume they had, but what did they write? I imagine their struggle pouring over the words. How could they collect themselves during this most difficult process? I surely am not as strong. But I want to jump, so I must write.

I gave this suicide note great pause. And after roughly 5 minutes had passed, I picked up the pen. I wrote two words, "Dear Mom". I then put the pen down and crumbled up the paper. There is no way in hell I could do this! Not only was I drawing a blank on the note, but each letter was so staggeringly painful to connect to the next that I could barely write the words "Dear Mom" without my vision being blurred due to the tears welling in my eyes. I am an adrenaline junkie, but I have to curb this appetite. I can't do this to my Mom. I can't do this to the rest of my family, my friends, or my dog. My behavior is so incredibly selfish to those that love me. To think I could sacrifice my life and their love for a short lived high, that should not be forgivable. And I refuse to write the cliche "I'm sorry, please forgive me" suicide note.

Still, I want to say I'm sorry and please forgive me for considering that I could be ok with doing this. I thought before I jumped and I'm glad I did. I hope you are too.