A Letter To My Future Girlfriend

This is meant to be a love letter, but I’m thinking that if you ever read this, it may lead to you replying with a breakup letter. It does feel really weird writing to you, especially considering you do not yet exist. Or rather you exist, I am just unaware of your existence. The future tells me that will change. That we will meet. And in time, we will fall in love. Or so that is what I am supposed to believe will happen. I am hopeful that will take place. That I will find you and we will have this little fairytale romance, the kind that you read of in old leather-bound books and see on the big Hollywood screen. The kind of love the world is envious of and wishes they have what we share. The kind of love that your parents, grandparents and older relatives tell you about. The kind of love that you roll your eyes at as if to say those times just no longer apply to current day living. It’s 2009, not 1950. Needless to say, times have changed, dramatically! Chivalry is just about dead. Young people don’t court one another anymore. They don’t write love letters. They don’t perform small gestures of kindness. They just don’t pine after one another. They don’t allow nature to take its course and progress a relationship naturally, effortlessly. Instead we have drunken one-night stands. Start a new relationship before a previous relationship ends. Try to find function in dysfunctional toxic relationships. And sometimes we even shack up together or throw a kid into the mix thinking it will further a stagnate relationship or salvage a broken one. The worst of all, marry and divorce in less than 5 years. Now that really fucks things up! It should be quite clear. Living together, having a baby, or buying a diamond ring isn’t the quick and easy solution to your problems. Those are surfaces patches, mere makeup that covers the wounds left blistered and bubbling below the surface. We make poor choices along the way thinking somehow we will magically learn from our mistakes, but more often than not, we just seem to repeat our past. All of us, to some extent, fall into these same patterns. While we may toss aside a heart as if it was yesterday’s trash, we often look back, but we rarely turn back.

I’m not really sure if that’s a good thing or a bad thing. You see, at one point in my life I was a hopeless romantic. I understood love, had it, and really found the whole idea of being in a relationship quite easy. I never grasped how my friends could have so many love issues! All the drama, it seemed so exhausting and so not worth it. I felt they made things more complicated than need be. That if they would just learn to relax, stop over analyzing and go with the flow, that simple love would come their way too. Love would sail into their life like a gentle wave blowing in to meet the shore. Of course nobody ever tells you that eventually the winds pick up and that once gentle wave crashes into a pile of jagged rocks leaving you bleeding for weeks, months, sometimes years on end! Sure, they may try to warn you of that. But until you experience that pain firsthand, no amount of fair warning will prepare you to weather an unforecasted storm of that caliber. That is a journey you have to sail alone. So we take time out to lick our wounds before boarding the ship once more. Eventually, we are off to sea again in search of new fish. Any captain will tell you that rough patches are inevitable, and so too is the case in love.

Maybe it’s just me, but everything seems so rushed and prematurely forced. We try taking the next big step and often leap into things before we have completed the baby steps that are needed to stabilize the very ground we walk upon. It’s like we are treading thru quicksand and sinking faster by the minute. We are in a race, but to where I do not know. There’s no solid foundation to this "relationship". We jump into bed with someone before we even form a friendship with them. We want to run before we learn to fully walk. Our footing is unstable and with every shaky unsure forward step we take, we seem to tumble backward and fall an even greater distance behind. And instead of the relationship progressing, it seems to digress, or just falls completely apart. We lay there face first in the dirt wallowing in this vicious cycle of springing from one relationship to the next as if it was a game of hopscotch. I seem to lose more than I win and with each defeat, I find it harder to pick myself back up. I’ve already lost the spring in my step and I’m starting to lose my hop as well. Sometimes I wonder if all the energy put into this love crap is worth it. The cynical side of me says nothing lasts forever. So why bother to continue playing? Cut your losses now before you become too attached or even addicted to the game. Save yourself the heartache that is sure to follow. Be smart. Play it safe. Stay guarded.

I’m not a commitment phob, but can we slow this down just a tad? Let me wrap my head around exactly why you chose me. Part of me secretly does not feel worthy of this honor. I feel nervous and pressured when you want to "have the talk". Why I may not always understand a woman’s urgent need to hold the official girlfriend title, I am more than happy to give it to her, when it feels right. I can ask you to "go with me" on the back of a bubble gum wrapper 6th grade-style, or if you like, you can just read the signs. Don’t worry, they will be loud and clear. I will show zero interest in seeing other people. I won’t shut up about you to my family, friends, and co-workers. And the most obvious sign, I will casually introduce you as my girlfriend when bumping into an acquaintance on the street. I won’t even realize I’ve done it. I will just blurt it out and think nothing of it. That is when you know you have me. Well that and the swoony love sick look on my face the moment you enter a room.

Although my eyes may sometime linger, I never will stray. So rest soundly at night knowing that just like a good dog, I too will be loyal. You can count on me to be there. I can weather the storm. And I will go above and beyond my call of duty to make you aware of how much you mean to me with tokens of my love and affection along the way. Even after the initial/beginning stage of our relationship passes, I will do my best to keep it fresh, exciting, and more alive than ever. I do this not just for you, but for me as well, for us. I will work hard so that it never loses that warm, fuzzy feeling you’ve grown accustom to. The butterflies that flutter in your stomach and that tingle that shoots thru your body with just a touch of your lips, I will make sure those sensations linger on. I’m not sure if I can defy the laws of nature and rekindle all the feelings that a budding summer romance possesses, but I will do my utmost. I am willing to try. And with today’s standard of easily disposable relationships being the norm, my extraordinary effort should speak volumes.

I honestly love romance and I enjoy chivalry. A woman takes care of me, so why can’t I take care of her? I don’t see the harm in that. So let me spoil you some. It makes me happy to see your face light up, especially knowing I’m the one who placed that smile upon your pretty little face. Small surprises not just on your birthday or calendar marked holidays, but I’ll celebrate you on some idle Tuesday afternoon. Because I believe that one of the best parts of having a someone is letting them know they aren’t just anyone. They are the one. And why can’t I make any day of the week special? So please accept the yellow gerber daisy I lay on your bedroom pillow early Sunday morning before you wake. Please accept the note attached and feel me in those words. And don’t get frightened when I say I’m making you breakfast in bed. We both know I can’t cook, but for you I’ll really try. Please accept the smiley heart I draw on the foggy bathroom mirror when you are in a rush for work on a hectic Monday morning. And when Friday night rolls around and you tell me you feel like having Italian for dinner, don’t question why I want you to pack a weekend bag. Don’t question the International plane tickets for two. And don’t question that I love you.

All I ask is that you recognize these gestures and not take them or me for granted, as I promise to never take you for granted. I do my best not to show it, but if you get to know me well enough, it will soon become apparent that beneath a tough guy exterior I tend to be a little more sensitive than most men. I’m not sure if that is something I should apologize for, but I think it’s something you need to be made aware of. As a result of my soft interior, I find myself getting hurt more easily than perhaps I should allow myself to succumb to. Although when you open your heart and your life to someone, you also open yourself up to complete vulnerability. It comes with the territory, but I think I can handle it. I know at first I may come off as secretive or guarded, but please don’t take it personally. It’s just who I am and in time I will come around. I have good reason not to trust women and question their shady ways. I’ve been led on, lied to, deceived and belittled just to name a few. Although it is not fair and I do not wish to make you "pay" for the mistakes previous women before you have made with me, you must understand that these are things that have left scars on my heart and questions on my mind. So while I may keep you at a distance until a certain level of trust is formed, I warmly invite you to discover every aspect of me and my world. I wish for the same opportunity to present itself with you and I eagerly anticipate seeing all the beauty that surrounds you as well. I pray that you will be patient with me and trust in me as I wish nothing more than to trust again, this time in you.

My confidence will grow when you’re near me and your presence in my life alone will be enough to make me want to be a better man. The man I once was and the man I know I can once again become. I want to be the one that makes you happy and causes your heart to smile. That would be your greatest gift to me. Let’s celebrate together on some idle Tuesday, to the beginning of a new relationship, complete with swoony love sick faces.

PS (Will you go with me?)

***UPDATE***
See this post featured as a 20SB February Blog Carnival Winner.
http://20sb.blogspot.com/2009/03/february-blog-carnival.html