The Perfect Apology

I’m good at saying sorry. I’m bad at forgiving. The ability to give forgiveness. It’s perhaps my biggest fault, this I know. I don’t forgive easily and I rarely forget. I hold grudges. And I’ve done it far too often and far too long. In the past I have held stupid, pointless, meaningless little grudges that seemed so petty once I stepped back and really thought about it. I’ve allowed someone’s actions and words to eat away at me. That certainly isn’t healthy. You can’t heal and move forward with a happy life if you consume yourself with past wounds. Wounds I’ve allowed to sit and fester. And even when time begins healing them all on their own, somehow I have a way of picking at the newly formed protective scab and reopening the cut. It then begins to bleed and gnaw away at me all over again. Why do I punish myself like that? Or the better question is...why do I allow others the power over me so I can punish myself like that? If I had just forgiven them long ago, we wouldn’t even be indulging in this topic. I wouldn’t be pointing out my biggest character flaw. I wouldn’t be standing naked on this (virtual) stage proclaiming that the naughty F-word to me is really "forgiveness". I wouldn’t be telling the world something that I rather they not know about me, but surely will discover themselves if they get to know me well enough. Yes, it’s true. I suck at forgiving.

We all know it’s important to forgive in life, but of course there are always exceptions to every situation, like toxic relationships. I think in those cases, forgiveness is next to impossible. You just need to separate yourself as far as possible from them, cut them out of your life if possible. Although sometimes forgiveness needs to be given just for your own peace of mind. You need that emotional weight lifted off of you in order to trudge thru the rest of life. For me, the key is to separate myself from the types of people that don’t add to my life, but rather take away from it. I choose to surround myself with positive people that are understanding and supportive in times of need, rather than those that take advantage of my momentarily lack of strength and pounce on my weakness as if I were prey being thrown into a hungry lion pit. If I sound bitter in saying that, it’s only because I’ve experienced it firsthand and on more than one occasion.

Lately, I find myself constantly being reminded about the lessons Dr. Randy Pausch, my CMU professor, has taught me. He has really made an impact on me, not as much with the lessons he has taught me from a book, but life lessons themselves. It’s those small bits of advice and those short 3 minute stories that make you stop taking notes and actually look up and take note of what he’s really saying. He has a way of driving a message home that makes me want to be a better man, to be like him. He once spoke on forgiveness, saying...

An apology has three parts:
1. I'm sorry.
2. It was my fault.
3. How do I make it right?
So many people skip that last part, but that's how you can tell sincerity.

He makes a very good point. And I think the reason why I have trouble forgiving is because I do not feel someone’s sincerity. Sincerity to me is huge! I just don’t know how you can have any type of relationship with anyone without it. I think because I question people’s sincerity, I also find myself second guessing them. Are they really sorry? Do they really care? Or are they just saying this because it’s a formality? If an apology isn’t truly heartfelt, then it’s probably best not to even bother saying sorry, or at least that is how I feel. It’s like when you’re a kid and you accidently knock another kid on his butt at the playground. Your Mom tells you to apologize for hurting him. You say sorry, but you don’t really mean it. You say it because it’s the right thing to do. You’re told to do it. It’s a formality. Sure it’s insincere and not heartfelt, but at that age, it doesn’t really matter because we are merely miniature robots running around and running into one another. We have yet to develop compassion for another human being. So we have yet to experience sincerity.

I like to think I’m a pretty good judge of character and I can usually see right thru a person as to whether or not their words are heartfelt and sincere. With that said, sometimes I don’t think you need those 3 parts to a good apology – I’m sorry, it was my fault, how do I make it right. As long as you are sincere in how you apologize, that’s all that really matters. Because if you are sincere in asking for forgiveness, it most likely will be given. How could it not be? Think about it. If you are sincere in saying sorry, then it goes without saying that you are also admitting fault and wanting to make it right. I don’t think we should ever PROMISE to never hurt someone again because that is not realistic. We can do our best to not hurt them and promise we will never hurt them intentionally, but to promise you’ll never mess up again is promising perfection. And who is perfect? Who is without flaw? God knows I am flawed and far from perfect. But I am willing to admit when I mess up. I am willing to do whatever it takes to right my wrong. Like I said, I am good at saying sorry, but learning to forgive is still a work in progress for me. My inability, or rather ability, to forgive was tested this weekend when she said...

"...the forecast said tomorrow was a perfect day for apologizing, groveling and making out at the winery."

Tell me, how am I supposed to stay angry and upset with a girl that apologizes like that and looks the way she does? It’s nearly impossible...and she knows it. Yeah, I’m a sucker for a pretty girl with a sweet and silly inside. And because I don’t question her sincerity for even a split second, I forgive her completely. I’ve even forgot! I guess there is hope for me afterall. I DO have the ability to forgive and forget. She’s just made it easier for me to realize and do just that.