Battling One’s Inner Demons

"Something that you may not know is that I ask God every day to help you to feel happy. I may not know how bad it really is but I am aware how you suffer from depression. I hurt for you. It makes my heart ache to know you are so sad. And maybe your depression is what keeps you away from me but I can't suffer with you. It hurts too much. I do love you, David, and I always will. You have an incredibly beautiful soul. I feel like I have to battle the demons that torture your beautiful soul and I just can't fight them anymore. It exhausts me."

I spent the better half of the day reading that and re-reading it. Again. And again. And again. At this point, I can almost recite it by heart. It will be the last time I’ll ever hear from her so I suppose I should carry something from her with me, something in me. Those words are what will carry on within me.

It’s always been easier for me to be mad than sad. However, I just can’t be mad at her. I can’t hate her. In fact, I thank her. I thank her for loving me and I applaud her for being clear headed and strong enough to go elsewhere in her pursuit of happiness. I care enough to offer her that out. And she took it. Of course I did encourage it, despite the fact that it pained me greatly, but it was the right thing for me to do...or so I hope it was. (I did do the right thing, didn’t I?)

Part of me feels deserted, but another part of me knows I brought this upon myself. In a way, I deserve to feel alone. Although I also deserve to get better, if not for her anymore, at least for myself and for every person I ever find myself involved with in the present or in the future. I owe at least that. To her. To me. To them. They say you have to learn to love yourself before you can love someone else. I definitely don’t love myself right now and I feel almost guilty for anyone to love me. In my mind I can’t help but question why would they. I realize that is an extremely fucked up way of thinking.

So I’ve decided to make a promise that most likely will be left unheard.

I promise to get better. I promise to be better. I promise to be a better man. The man you somehow saw in me before the "demons" overshadowed my smile and left me in a dark place. That guy will return. New and improved. Positive and strong. I think he’s in there. No, I KNOW he’s in there. I’m going to find him and bring him to the surface once again.

The clown mask I wear every day is becoming harder and harder to pass off as genuine. So I need to take a different approach in life because if you think you’re exhausted, just imagine how I feel.

Related post of interest...

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