Inadvertent Molestation

Let’s be perfectly clear about something, I love my Bulldog puppy. Not in the sick and twisted bestiality way that would require action from the ASPCA or PETA. I love him in the way a boy loves his four-legged best friend. A deep bond. Unconditional love. The words just float right off my tongue. I love him. I love every wrinkle on his face. I love his fat paws. I love how he comes over to me and licks my leg after I reprimand him. It’s his way of saying sorry and asking if we can be buddies again. I love how he moans and groans after scarfing down his dinner. Like most guys, he has a tendency to eat too fast which results in a tummy ache. He comes to me because he needs his belly rubbed, to help soothe the pain. He also turns to me when he’s sleepy and just can’t quite fall asleep soundly. He likes his wrinkles rub, AKA his face petted. And as any good Dad, I oblige.

So the other night as his 10:00pm bedtime neared, he walked toward me with this sad and pathetic “I can’t sleep” look on his face. You could see the Sandman was calling his name. His eyes were droopy (actually they always are whether he is sleepy or not) and his movements had slowed considerably. I patted the seat cushion next to me on the couch, inviting him up. He was so tired that his chubby little butt couldn’t even make the 15inch leap. He held on with his front paws and chin as the back legs scrambled in a second jump attempt. Disgraceful. I couldn’t bare witness to this anymore and I offered hindquarter assistance.

There he was sitting beside me, just waiting for me to put down my laptop and give him my full undivided attention. I know he wanted his wrinkles rubbed, but I was in mid sentence of a contract I was putting together for work. I didn’t want my train of thought to be broken. I just had a few more lines to type and then I would give him all the affection in the world. I'm a softy. I simply can’t resist that face. So I made the decision to pet and type with one hand. Now before the “one handed typing” wisecracks begin, let me just say that I’m not an expert, despite the rumors you may have heard. Now this is where the story gets, um sticky.

It’s one of those times when you should trust your gut instinct, but for whatever reason you ignore what your gut instinct is telling you because you think no way could that be true. So you let the situation progress just a few seconds longer before you realize the monumental mistake you have made! You allow it to continue until you find yourself doing the unspeakable. An action that is truly vile and fills you with so much shame that there is no way in hell you would ever tell a sole about what has occurred, let alone post on a blog for the entire world to see on the Internet. Right?

With my eyes on my laptop screen, I just assumed that I was petting Diesel’s leg. So one stroke down and what…? I brushed the thought off and didn’t think much of it. One stroke back up and whoa, I think that was…? Nah, it couldn’t be. So one more time back down just to confirm that what I just petted wasn’t what I thought it was. It felt kind of squishy. His legs are very muscular. So what could be squishy feeling? And then the horror sets in. I look over to see where my hand is resting and realize I just stroked my dog’s dick! I inadvertently molested my puppy. A few more strokes and that squishy thing would have turned into a hard red rocket. I feel nauseated, not to mention I’m a sick,sick bastard. I’m a puppy molester! A pervert. I owe him an apology.

I immediately apologize to my dog for fondling his naughty place. I tell him it’s wrong and promise that it will never happen again. He looks at me as if to say...“How could something so wrong feel so right?” I have to admit, he has a good point, but we still aren't going to do it again. Sorry.