Granny’s Wisdom Tells It Like It Is

Let me paint the scenario for you. It’s Christmas Day. We are at my parent’s house and its cocktail hour. Martinis are severed. Everyone in the family drinks up, including my 88-year-old Grandmother. After a furious shaking, Grandma pours my drink and hands me my glass. I give the toast. “Cheers. To family, friends and getting shit faced.” (Because nothing is classier than getting wasted infront of your Mother and Grandmother. )

My Grandmother turns and asks me…“Do you like it, dear?”

I take a sip, nod my head and say…“It’s alright. A little more Vermouth maybe.”

Her reply, absolutely priceless! She places her hand ontop of my forearm, as if to comfort me and draw me into her. I can feel she is about to say something important. Words I am not to forget. She has grabbed my full attention, then turns to me with a very serious face and passes on the best advice a Grandma can give her grandson.

“I always say, it doesn’t matter if it tastes good, as long as it makes you feel happy.”

Granny is a lush and I love it.

David’s Last Minute Holiday Gift Ideas

Crunch time is on. With Christmas just days away, chances are you of the millions of people who are still scrambling around for that last minute gift. That’s bad, but what’s even worse is that you have no clue what to get them! There is always that one person on your list that you have no idea what to buy for, so you put off shopping for them. Instead you opt to waste time and procrastinate just a little longer by reading my blog. Well fret not my friend. You will be glad that you are reading my blog right now because I am about to solve all your “what to get” shopping dilemmas. I’ve put together a collection of rather unique, to say the least, gift ideas for everyone on your shopping list. Prices range from just a few bucks to well over a grand. So there is surely something for everyone’s budget.

Kama Sutra Cookie Cutters
$55

First and foremost on everyone’s list should be Mom. Moms love to bake, right? And nothing says it’s the holidays like the smell of fresh baked cookies as the family gathers around. Although, if your Mom is like mine, she’s been using the same old Santa, star, snowman and tree cookie cutouts since the 70s. Isn’t it time to spice it up a bit and get Mom new cookie cutters? Those crazy Sweds are selling cookie cutters in various sexual positions. From the Wheelbarrow to the Butterfly, there is sure to be a position to satisfy even the most discriminating taste. Personally, I think a cookie cutter in the shape of the Shocker would be a nice addition, but for now you’ll have to settle for the “shockerless” selection. It’s being sold for 35 euro, which I believe is around $55 US dollars. So pick up a set for Grandma too! Come Christmas morning when they open the Kama Sutra Cookie Cutter set, I guarantee you that the look on their faces will be priceless. After all, gift giving is all about taking someone’s breath away and this gift will certainly do just that.

(Spoiler Alert: Your parents still “do it”! I know, I want to vomit at the slightest thought of that too, but I’m afraid it goes on whether we want to believe it or not.)

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Mom’s Magic Spit Captured In A Can
$9 (2 ounces) $18 (7 ounces)

Now with Mom and Grandma out of the way, we need to shop for brothers and sisters. Like most siblings, you probably have a love/hate relationship with your brothers and sisters, right? With differences cast aside, there is one common bond you all share – Mom or more specifically the healing power of Mom. Remember back to when you were a kid and you fell down and scrapped your knee? Mom immediately went into SuperMom mode and became your own personal on-call doctor. She had that healing touch that only a Mom has. She had the power to soothe with spit. Yes, spit. Nothing cleaned up a dirty face or a scrapped knee faster than Mom’s antibacterial disinfectant spit. She didn’t always have her medical bag (AKA purse) on her when you harmed yourself, so like a military doctor in the field, she had to make do with what she had…and she had spit. And now you can give Mom’s Magic Spit in a can!

Momspit (inspired by the original) is the universal no-rinse cleanser. It’s not a sanitizer and does not contain any alcohol. In fact, it’s gentle enough to use on your face. Momspit foams for easy application, eliminates dirt and grime while leaving your skin moisturized and yummy smelling. It’s the perfect thing to throw in your purse, place on your desk, or keep in your car. To use, just apply a small amount on hands or face and rub in completely. No rinse needed, just like the original. Perfect for cleaning milk mustaches too.

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The Dual Crapper
$1,4000Time to shop for Dad and if you are like me, you secretly wish you could spend more quality time with your Dad. A little male bonding – some father/son activity you can both share in and enjoy. So what is one of Dad’s all-time favorite activities? Pooping. So allow me to introduce the dual crapper, or as the makers call it “The TwoDaLoo”. Now the idea behind it was to bring couples closer together, but if you ask me, that’s a little too close for comfort. Apparently the makers of The TwoDaLoo think that nothing says you have a tight relationship like being able to take a dump infront of your significant other. Personally, I feel that nothing says you need more space in your relationship if you partner is insisting you even shit together. Dropping a deuce is something I like to do alone, like a big boy.

The TwoDaLoo is billed as the world's first toilet two people can use, at the exact same time, while conserving water supply all with one flush. It features two side-by-side toilet seats with a modest privacy wall in between. An upgraded version includes a seven inch LCD television and iPod docking station. Now instead of fighting over bathroom time, you can argue over what station to watch while on the pot.

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Barbie Must Die Photography
$5 each

Have a kid on your list? Why not give her something from Barbie? Little girls just love Barbies and they are sure to love this year’s new Barbie Murders collection – perfect for any child’s bedroom. It features an assortment of gagged and bound bloody Barbie shots taken just moments before she died a slow and painful death, full of absolute terror. Now doesn’t that sound warm and fuzzy? Just imagine tucking a little one into bed with one of these hung above her headboard. Many digital prints to choose from. 8.5x11 unmatted and unframed. Hopefully next year they will make a GI Joe collection for boys.

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Mushroom Knife
$80Last but not least, you need to get your sweetie something. So why not get her a mushroom knife? You know, for all that mushroom cutting she does. What? Your girl doesn’t hike up mossy hills and cut down fresh mushrooms? Seriously, who does? And who would need such a stupid tool other than maybe Martha Stewart who keeps a blowtorch in her kitchen to finish off a soufflé with a crusted top. Seriously, if you get your girlfriend such an asinine present, I think she has the right to turn around and stab you with it, repeatedly. Now if you are a girl who buys your guy this, chances are he will find a use for it. We are resourceful like that. However, I suggest a nice HDTV for your boyfriend instead.

See, now aren’t all these gift ideas much better than the re-gifted fruitcake idea you were going to resort to? You're welcome.

A Very Geeky Green Christmas

Ever since Al Gore won the Nobel Peace Prize for his work with the whole global warming issue, people have been going ga-ga over Going Green. It’s all about protecting the environment by being eco-friendly. Whether it’s recycling everything under the sun, cutting out products that aren’t biodegradable, buying a hybrid vehicle, or just hugging a tree, people are hoping to save the world…or at least lend a helping hand in conserving planet Earth.

So now that the Christmas season is upon us, we turn to geeks to help us in dreaming of a green Christmas. There will be no chopping down of a white pine tree, even though I will admit it smells quite lovely. No, this year if the world is to Go Green, then that means we have to make some sacrifices. I suppose to really Go Green, you have to buy an artificial tree that’s made of recycled pine or something? I don’t know, but I do know that they now sell strands of LED lights to decorate your tree. LED lighting is an energy efficient replacement to the standard bulbs you are accustom to using. Also, LED lights actually give off more light, making your tree appear extra sparkly. And who doesn’t enjoy a little bling around the holidays?

But what good is a sparkly lit tree if there aren’t any pretty ornaments to hang from the branches? Don’t worry, the Green Geeks have you covered there too. You can take your old CDs and circuit boards lying around (and if you aren’t a geek, you probably don’t have any circuit boards lying around and you probably don’t even know what a circuit board is) and turn them into trees, Santas, stars, reindeer or whatever your little heart desires. Not only will you be saving money, but you’ll also be recycling electronic goods and creating art! Or just creating a tacky tree? You decide.

Panic Attacks

It feels as if my blood is boiling and my skin is on fire. I’m soaked in sweat and I’m gasping for air. My breathing is rapid and shallow. My heart pounds harder and faster in my chest. I image this is what it must feel like to be suffocated with a pillow or to fight the overwhelming and uncontrollable sensation of being buried alive. Without dirt to dig into, my nails begin clawing into a down filled mattress topper. Sheets become twisted and tangled around my ankles as if to say…"You can’t run, therefore there is no escaping." My comforter offers me no comfort, it only helps hold in the heat of being trapped in this pressure cooker body of mine. Until finally, I erupt.

panic attack - noun
An intense attack of anxiety characterized by feelings of impending doom, terror and fear. Apprehension, depersonalization and derealization occurring in major depression. This is accompanied by trembling, heart palpitations, shortness of breath and sweating. Also called anxiety attack.

The scenario that I described above is exactly what I’ve been experiencing this week. My alarm is set to go off at 6:00 each morning, but for three straight nights in a row now, I find myself being jolted awake each day at 5am from a panic attack. It seems to be coming on in my sleep. Perhaps as the minutes draw closer and closer to where I am to start my day, subconsciously the anxiety of having to face a new day overpowers me. I’m sinking in a deep, bottomless black ocean filled with ice-water. It’s what psychologists would refer to as a "fight or flight" response. The "fight or flight" response is our body's primitive, automatic, inborn response that prepares the body to "fight" or "flee" from perceived attack, harm or threat to our survival.

I have been doing some research online about panic attacks. They offer a checklist of panic attack symptoms, saying if you have 4 or more signs, then you are indeed having panic attacks. It turns out that I have more than double the amount of panic attack symptoms. So my personal diagnosis, as my very own uncertified doctor, would state that I suffer from panic attacks. And it does seem to be linked back to major depression.

The good news (if there is any) is that as quickly as the panic attack occurs, it leaves. It leaves me in a cold sweat, somewhat trembling and naturally a little freaked out. Obviously I don’t want this to keep happing, but I feel powerless to stop it. I have insomnia as it is and having panic attacks set in during my sleep only makes me want to lie in bed even less. I’m 5 again and scared to fall asleep.

I’ve never had panic attacks before and I’m not exactly sure why I’m having them now. Well actually I do know, but to explain would involved more time than I’m willing to shed on this problem at the moment. So I choose to withhold much of my prior history and details. I realize that I’m beyond the point in which I should have sought help. However, I would like to ask that if anyone reading this has experienced or is currently experiencing a similar situation of panic attacks occurring in their sleep, please drop me an e-mail at diamondkt@gmail.com Your insight would be greatly appreciated. Thanks.

The Scar You Don’t See

This was originally posted on PostSecret and it drew me in for 2 reasons…

#1 Because it made me think back to when I wrote a post on this very subject. 6/1/06 Scarred

#2 Because I have a friend who has several scars on his body and not a single one has a story behind it, at least not that he can recall. He’s a very open guy, so I don’t think he is purposely withholding the details. Truthfully, I think he mentally blocked it out for a good reason. I wish people would stop asking him “what happed there” because he doesn’t have an answer.

A scar is a reminder that the past was real. And the mind has the ability to barricade itself from what it can't live with. A defense mechanism for a boy who was most likely once defenseless. This permitted him to live.

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Sex And The City, The Movie Is Here At Last!

Hello, Lovers! Grab yourself a Flirtini, call your girlfriends and press play to find out what Carrie & Co. have been up to all these months while they weren't busy clogging up the sidewalks and becoming New York's biggest tourist attraction. The crew has wrapped up shooting for the movie and in May of 2008, you can see it all play out on the big screen, finally! Its official, the first Sex And The City Movie trailer is here.

www.SexAndTheCityMovie.com

Turns out we'll be seeing a lot of the same 'ol shenanigans in theaters as on TV. Clothes, shoes, shopping, talking, drinking, dating...and of course sex. Personally, I’m hoping there will be plenty of sex. According to the 39 second teaser, "friendship never goes out of style"…and neither has my love for the Sex And The City girls.

I know it’s not very manly to admit, but I love, love, LOVED that HBO show! Don’t believe me, then just keep in mind that I eat at The City Bakery just because it is the home of The Big Brownie – Carrie Bradshaw’s favorite sinful treat. Truth be told, I’m as excited as any girl would be that the movie is coming out. Is that gay? It probably is, but I don’t care. So what if I’m the only straight dude in a theater full of chicks. I’m comfortable with my meterosexual status. And I just may be the first “girl” in line for the premier in 5 months.

Related posts of interest…

• 11/28/06 – The City Bakery, In Search Of The BIG Brownie
• 2/8/06 - Thinking With The Right Head

Inadvertent Molestation

Let’s be perfectly clear about something, I love my Bulldog puppy. Not in the sick and twisted bestiality way that would require action from the ASPCA or PETA. I love him in the way a boy loves his four-legged best friend. A deep bond. Unconditional love. The words just float right off my tongue. I love him. I love every wrinkle on his face. I love his fat paws. I love how he comes over to me and licks my leg after I reprimand him. It’s his way of saying sorry and asking if we can be buddies again. I love how he moans and groans after scarfing down his dinner. Like most guys, he has a tendency to eat too fast which results in a tummy ache. He comes to me because he needs his belly rubbed, to help soothe the pain. He also turns to me when he’s sleepy and just can’t quite fall asleep soundly. He likes his wrinkles rub, AKA his face petted. And as any good Dad, I oblige.

So the other night as his 10:00pm bedtime neared, he walked toward me with this sad and pathetic “I can’t sleep” look on his face. You could see the Sandman was calling his name. His eyes were droopy (actually they always are whether he is sleepy or not) and his movements had slowed considerably. I patted the seat cushion next to me on the couch, inviting him up. He was so tired that his chubby little butt couldn’t even make the 15inch leap. He held on with his front paws and chin as the back legs scrambled in a second jump attempt. Disgraceful. I couldn’t bare witness to this anymore and I offered hindquarter assistance.

There he was sitting beside me, just waiting for me to put down my laptop and give him my full undivided attention. I know he wanted his wrinkles rubbed, but I was in mid sentence of a contract I was putting together for work. I didn’t want my train of thought to be broken. I just had a few more lines to type and then I would give him all the affection in the world. I'm a softy. I simply can’t resist that face. So I made the decision to pet and type with one hand. Now before the “one handed typing” wisecracks begin, let me just say that I’m not an expert, despite the rumors you may have heard. Now this is where the story gets, um sticky.

It’s one of those times when you should trust your gut instinct, but for whatever reason you ignore what your gut instinct is telling you because you think no way could that be true. So you let the situation progress just a few seconds longer before you realize the monumental mistake you have made! You allow it to continue until you find yourself doing the unspeakable. An action that is truly vile and fills you with so much shame that there is no way in hell you would ever tell a sole about what has occurred, let alone post on a blog for the entire world to see on the Internet. Right?

With my eyes on my laptop screen, I just assumed that I was petting Diesel’s leg. So one stroke down and what…? I brushed the thought off and didn’t think much of it. One stroke back up and whoa, I think that was…? Nah, it couldn’t be. So one more time back down just to confirm that what I just petted wasn’t what I thought it was. It felt kind of squishy. His legs are very muscular. So what could be squishy feeling? And then the horror sets in. I look over to see where my hand is resting and realize I just stroked my dog’s dick! I inadvertently molested my puppy. A few more strokes and that squishy thing would have turned into a hard red rocket. I feel nauseated, not to mention I’m a sick,sick bastard. I’m a puppy molester! A pervert. I owe him an apology.

I immediately apologize to my dog for fondling his naughty place. I tell him it’s wrong and promise that it will never happen again. He looks at me as if to say...“How could something so wrong feel so right?” I have to admit, he has a good point, but we still aren't going to do it again. Sorry.

Condom Fashion Faux Pas

China's manufacturing industry has been repeatedly tarnished this year by a slew of scandals involving shoddy or dangerous goods made for both domestic and foreign markets. So what I’m about to say shouldn’t come as shock, or maybe it will. In the latest example of potentially harmful Chinese-made products, used condoms are being recycled into hair bands. The rubber hair bands have been found in local markets and beauty salons in southern China. Usually recycling anything is considered a good thing, but not in this case. Basically, what was once worn on Lu’s wang, is now used to pull back your bangs!

Let’s state the obvious, besides this being completely disgusting, it’s also highly dangerous as it threatens to spread sexually-transmittable diseases that condoms were originally meant to prevent. Despite being recycled, the hair bands could still contain bacteria and viruses. Therefore people could be infected with AIDS, genital warts or other diseases if they hold the rubber bands in their mouths while styling their hair. (And I just lost my appetite.)

Surprisingly, consumers don’t seem to care if their health is threatened or if the Chinese government states that recycling condoms is illegal. In fact, sales are up! These cheap and colorful rubber bands and hair ties continue to sell well. A bag of 10 of the recycled bands sells for just 25 fen (3 cents), much cheaper than others on the market, which accounts for their popularity.

This may be the first time we have seen used condoms integrated into the fashion world. However, it wasn’t long ago that designers were creating entire clothing lines out of new condoms...and we will leave that story and photo gallery for a future blog post.