20 Years Later & I Still Want Him Sooo Bad!

Words cannot do it justice. Jaw dropping. Drool dripping. Bulgy eye staring. Ewwing and ahhing. Piss my pants with excitement. So ecstatic over just thinking about it, that my cheeks actually hurt from smiling so much. I would sleep, eat and breathe it. I would toss and turn at night fantasizing what it would be like just to hold it in my arms. Hoping, praying that when I did finally fall asleep, I would dream about it. Tight sweaty little fists shaking in excitement every year when my birthday arrived, anticipation that the dream would become a reality. Surely, this would be the year. The year my laid back nature would get thrown out the window. I would explode into boisterous clapping coupled with lavish laughter and jumping up and down. Throw in a few “YES, YES, YES” and “OH MY GOD” screams and that would be the best way I can described it if I had to put it into words. Simply said, it consumed every square inch of me with unbridled desire.

There he is, the object of desire, My Pet Monster. Standing at 26 inches tall, he’s beyond awesome! Squeeze his hand and he says the following phrases:

• "I'll Protect You!"
• "I Am Your Monster Friend!"
• "I'm Really Strong!"
• "Let’s Wrestle!"
• "Ooh You're Really Strong Too!"

He even has breakaway orange cuffs that make a “crash” sound when you pull them apart! Just typing that gets me excited. I’m not even joking when I say I’m seriously pumped right now and want him sooo bad! Crazy, I know. He was introduced in the mid 80s and ever since then, I’ve been in love. Not in a sexual way of course, but you know what I mean. The thing is, I never got to fully experience that love. I never got My Pet Monster. (Key the violin music and pass me a hanky.)

I think a part of me now understands my private (and now public) obsession with My Pet Monster. I think the reason I was so drawn to him and so taken back with grief when my Mom told me “No, no more toys, David” is because he wasn’t just a toy. And I know I had said those exact same words to my Mom as I tried my darnest to plead my case to the jury of one. Still, the jury didn’t see it my way. I remember standing there in the toy section of the David Weis department store crying as if my heart had been ripped out of my chest and run over by a steamroller, twice.

I couldn’t hold back the waterfall that was about to breakthrough and let loose. Salty tears poured from sad blue eyes which then begun streaming down a pair of soft round cheeks. Despite having long almost Maybelline-like lashes, I couldn’t bat away the cloudy world I now found myself looking out into. Rain showers were in my forecast, at least for the remaining part of the day, if not week, if not lifetime! So it was up to my hooded sweatshirt to bring back the sun, to dry the "rain". The cotton/poly blend could only absorb so much before the sleeve became soggy from wiping my face into a beautiful red mess. It wasn’t long after that the hiccups gave way and I was chocking on my own sweet mixture of tears, snot and saliva.

Naturally, it was hard to breathe as my Mom escorted me out of the store. I drug my feet thru the mall as we set out to “go get what we came for” – I hated when she said that. It seemed like a cruel game to me. I can’t get what I want, but Mom will pick up Dad that cordless drill at Sears that HE wants. And that drill is waaay more money! My Pet Monster is only about 30 bucks and Dad’s stupid drill is like 30 trillion dollars…or so I argued. At that moment, I represented the thoughts and feelings of every My Pet Monster deprived child in America. Heartbroken, bitter and jaded. It was official…being a kid sucked!

Kids grow up and get over things, right? Wrong! I may be all grown up, but I’m in no way over my childhood lose - losing out on getting that toy. I know it sounds ridiculous and maybe there is something wrong with me to pine this long over a silly stuffed doll. However, he represented something more than that to me. His outer shell had you believe he was this tough rebellious ugly outcast, but deep inside, he had a soft understanding warm core that just wanted to fit in and be loved. As a kid growing up, My Pet Monster represented me. I could relate to who he was, or rather who the American Greetings toy manufacturer created him to be. Getting My Pet Monster today would be like recapturing a part of my childhood that I feel I missed out on. It’s fulfilling that lifelong dream of owning my very own pet monster. What could be cooler than having a monster for a pet? (Don’t answer that, it’s not a rhetorical question.)

Today, 20 years later, I can honestly say I still want My Pet Monster just as bad now as I did back then. Now granted I won’t throw a full fledge hissy fit if I don’t get one, nor would I bawl my eyes out like a little girl. However, I may find myself getting a little choked up and maybe just a teanie bit misty eyed if someone were to actually find me a vintage My Pet Monster, brand new and still in the box! I almost bought one on eBay, but I decided to hold off becacuse tomorrow marks my birthday and well...

Do you think it's possible? I mean, could you imagine? Oh. My. God. Without a doubt, I would be the happiest boy alive!