Miss Me...Or Pretend You Do To Make Me Feel Good

It's time for a little pre-birthday party and post-congratulatory celebration. With the recent resigning of one of my biggest work contracts with the government, a proper celebration is called for, and one that is nearly 2 weeks overdue. If they want to give me a ridiculous amount of money for just a few months work, who am I to argue that they may be overpaying me? Instead I will drink to it! Yes, I'm worth every single penny, or at least I am going to keep letting them believe that. I'm feeling more confidant this time around. It was just a year ago that I was wringing my hands worrying that I wasn't living up to their expectations. That the pressure I was under had me on the verge of cracking. Now, I look back and wonder why I was so unsure of myself. Sometimes I think I invent insecurities in my head, when there is no reason for one to exist, I imagine one and bring it to life. Perhaps I'm not alone in that. Maybe that is how everyone's insecurities are born?

In case you were wondering, that isn't my baby picture.
I was waaay cuter! I know, hard to image, but true.
My Mom will confirm that as fact.
Basically, when your Mom said YOU were the cutest baby ever...
she was lying. Just thought you should know.

And in just a few days I will be turning another year older. I guess it's not too bad, if I was hitting my 30s, then that would be bad. Isn't there some law that states once you hit the big 3-0 that you have to act all grown-up and shit? However, I don't have to worry about that. I can keep using phrases like "I know you are but what am I." I'm still enjoying the 20something life and will continue to do so.

One thing that I won't continue doing is blogging. Well at least for a week. I'm going to be traveling out of state and away from cyberspace as well. So that means no new posts until November. I just wanted to let my one loyal reader be aware of that. I think SiteMeter pads my stats to make me feel good. It says I get 70-80 visitors a day, although I feel more like I have an audience of one - me, myself and I. Oops, there I go again...inventing an insecurity. Note to self, stop doing that. Also stop biting your lower lip when you are deep in concentration. It's beginning to hurt and one day when you are old and 30, your face will freeze like that!

"C" Is For Chat Room, Crazy & Oh Crap (because Oh Shit doesn't start with C)

On the web, nobody can hear you scream, but they will surely hear you if you arrive at their house with pickaxe handle! After a heated exchange in a chat room, one internet user has been found guilty of what London police are calling the first ever "web-rage" attack. 47-year-old Paul Gibbons hunted down John Jones (age unknown) using details obtained online after the pair exchanged insults and threats in a Yahoo chat room called "Islam 10". Their exchanges soured after Gibbons accused Jones of spreading rumors about him. It was then that Gibbons snapped and traveled 70 miles to the man's home where the plan was to beat him up with a pickaxe handle.

Gibbons arrived at Jones' home armed and accompanied by another man carrying a machete! Mr. Jones, whose partner and 3 children were in the house, opened the door holding a knife for protection. A fight broke out during which Jones was disarmed and beaten with the pickaxe handle and cut with the knife. Gibbons fled after the victim's partner called for help. Gibbons, who has a violent past, admitted to unlawful wounding and will be sentenced on November 7th.

Where are the sane people in this world? Seriously.

Related Post of Interest

• 01/16/06 Be Annoying Online And You'll Be Arrested Offline

I'm No Modern Day Shakespeare

I'm not a poet. I don't pretend to be. I don't even try to be. I just say what I'm thinking. Today, I said this. It doesn't rhyme, but it has reason.

"...and never say never, today is a good day to begin "never" and it just may end with happily ever after."

You just never know.

The Real Beauty Campaign

They tell women not to read beauty magazines, they will only make you feel ugly. Feeling beautiful has nothing to do with how you look externally. It has everything to do with how you feel internally. Unfortunately, we let the outside determine how we feel on the inside. It may not be right, but it's normal. And I don't just mean that we let our appearance affect how we feel about ourselves. I mean that we often let society determine how we feel about ourselves. Society tells us what is considered beautiful and what is not. Perhaps we should blame the fashion magazines with their airbrushed supermodels. To them, beauty is what is displayed on the cover of Vogue. They don't buy into the phrase "beauty is in the eye of the beholder" or that "beauty is only skin deep and that real, true beauty lies underneath the skin". Although they do buy into the mindset that even the smallest flaw can be perfected with a little magic. So don't always believe what you see in the mirror - that you aren't that beautiful. And don't always believe what you see in the pages of Vogue magazine - that they are that perfect. Here's proof...

Too many girls develop low self-esteem from hang-ups about looks, and consequently, fail to reach their full potential in later life. So, Dove created the "Self-Esteem Fund" as an agent of change to educate and inspire girls on a wider definition of beauty. On their website, they encourage you to share your self-esteem building story to inspire others with your success. The direction of the Fund is guided by a group of people who are passionate about raising women's body-related self-esteem by offering kind and insightful support. The Fund currently supports self-esteem related programs in countries around the globe.

Personally, I think it's a good thing. I meet countless women who do not see themselves the way they should. Some are really pretty, but yet they fail to see what I see. I think the world of modeling is partially to blame for this. Believe it or not, even some supermodels aren't exempt from having a poor body image. Take a girl off the street and girl out of a modeling agency and you would be surprised how similar they are in terms of what they dislike about their body. When you look at a behind the scenes model shoot like this, it's no wonder our perception of beauty is distorted. Part of the key to feeling beautiful is having a positive attitude. I think there is something to be said about that. I believe that is what Dove is trying to achieve with their "Self-Esteem Fun". A negative vibe radiates off a person, making them "ugly". Whereas a positive outlook, it has a special glow to it - warmth, friendliness, fun. Who wouldn't want to be around a beautiful woman like that? Remember, confidence is S-E-X-Y!

Side Note: To the "I need to lose 2 lbs first" girl...you are not as fat as you imagine. A size 4 isn't even fat in the world of professional modeling.

Dum Dum

She speaks of thoracotomy, endotracheal tubes, EKGs and stories of resuscitation. Medical jargon. They are common words in her world. In mine, it's like a foreign language. If it wasn't for Grey's Anatomy and Hollywood scripted movies, I would be lost when our worlds collide, when she tells me about her day. I consider myself a fairly intelligent guy, but sometimes I feel like a dum dum in her presence. I'm listening when she talks. I am interested and trying to learn, but I can't help it if from time to time my eyes glaze over. My head gets a little clouded and I feel like saying "whoa, dude". Of course I don't say that, but that's how I opt to articulate myself when I feel like a big dummy.

She's not showoffy (I just invented that word). She doesn't throw these terms at me trying to impress me with her brains or to test my brain. She's simply sharing her world with me and that's a good thing. I just wish sometimes that her world didn't make my head spin. I get lost among the rubber gloves and needles. It all becomes a blur. Still, I follow along. I ask questions. I nod. I smile politely. She has to know this is going over my head. She's no dummy. She surely sees that. It's then that she changes the subject..."Hey, you didn't tell me. How did your (long pause) thing go on Friday?" Hmm, it seems she gets a little lost in my world too. When she's out of her element, she replaces the unfamiliar jargon with the word "thing". Tech jargon isn't her thing.

It's become apparent. We speak 2 different languages. It's a lesson in linguistics. It's also a lesson in simple communication as she tells me she brought me a little surprise. Like a child, I am eager to see what awaits me in the pocket of her scrubs. It's a lollipop. "I remembered you had a sore throat and I wanted to cure you. I stole it from the hospital, but I figure they owe me after pulling a double shift." She's sweet...and a candy criminal. It's cherry - my favorite! It's also the exact same kind I use to get from my doctor when I was a kid. She knows me well. I glance at the wrapper. The brand, "Dum Dum Pops". Fitting.

True Or False

It's easier to be mad than sad?

The Circle Of Trust

It's commonly referred to as "The Circle Of Trust". That imaginary ring that binds those who have developed an open and honest relationship with you, to you. It's built over time until it reaches a level that permits you to feel comfortable enough to just say what you need to say and know that in saying it, that the words don't leave the room. A connection deep enough that allows you to freely share your inner most thoughts, feelings and secrets. Not all friendships can deliver this "Circle Of Trust", but shouldn't all families have this? Shouldn't there be there some unspoken law that states that you can confide with those that share your own flesh and blood? And in doing so, you can openly wear your heart of your sleeve in their presence, but to the outside world, you can choose to remain somewhat a mystery. Someone you can't always define, but yet others are given the opportunity to peer in from time to time. The amount of openness I share is based purely on the level of emotional safety I feel with a person.

I think in a good close family this unspoken law exists. I've always believed I belong to such a family. A good close family is something I take pride in and a good close family is something I look for in those I date. I feel that a girl who has a good relationship with her family, and in particular with her Father, has more often than not been given a solid foundation in which to build her male relationships with later in life. The same can be said about a Mother and a son. The old cliché "how a guy treats his mother is the same way he will treat you." I feel that is fairly accurate. If a girl has many "Daddy issues", chances are she will have many issues with you. And a guy that speaks poorly of his own Mother, is a guy that has little to no respect for women in general. You don't need to be a psychologist to figure this out, but you do need to have common sense. Building a solid foundation in which to grow from in life is important. And developing a level of trust in any relationship is crucial.

My one sister refers to me as "The Vault". Whatever she tells me, stays with me. And really, isn't that how it should be? I'm a vault when it comes to keeping a secret, but I'm not a vault when it comes to being secretive. My personality does contain an element of secrecy to it, but it's not as much about secrecy as it is about protecting my privacy. Discretion is a good thing. It's one of the many Scorpio traits that fit me. It also meshes well based on what I do for a living. It's a perfect match actually. However, when it comes to my personal relationships, I desire the complete opposite. I want to feel that level of emotional safety and experience the intimacy of complete openness on every level. There isn't a single aspect of me that I do not wish the right person to discover. I've never had a problem showing my emotions or expressing how I feel and if someone were to dispute that statement, then they simply do not know me at all. They have not reached a level of intimacy with me that allows me to be that "open book" that I can be...and often craving to be.

Like in the movies "Meet The Parents" and the squeal "Meet The Fockers", once a person is cast from the "Circle Of Trust", is there any way back in? A circle is an unbroken ring. It has no revolving door. There is no escape window that allows you to come and go from the circle as need be. You simply can't pass in and out of a circle. A circle can not easily be broken, but trust...trust can be. And what happens when trust has been broken within a family? What if the sever takes places between a Mother and son? If I wasn't close with my Mom, this probably wouldn't be that big of a deal for me. But I am close with my Mom, therefore it is a big deal to me. So much so that now I feel if I can't trust my own Mother with things, than who can I trust? I don't want to be that guy that has trust issues. I've been him before and I've worked very hard to move past that hurdle. I think I've come a long way and now out of nowhere, a new hurdle has popped up. I'm sure I'll climb over it too, but it would be nice if I shared that level of trust with someone to talk about it.

See the pattern? When trust is broken, it's trust that is the key ingredient needed in order to overcome a problem. But how do you do that? How do you confide in someone and tell them what's going on when the very problem you have is not being able to confide in someone? Round and round the circle goes.

The Adventures Of Super Happy Fun Guy

Beyond this wall there is a volcano just waiting to erupt. She's angry. Too angry for me. An angry I don't really understand. Angry that is caused by sources unknown to me. An angry that I dare not speak of. An angry that makes her co-workers avoid her. An angry I don't want to touch, but yet it's probably what she needs the most. At work, I'm usually emersed in what I am doing. I get into a zone. I'm focused and not easily distracted. Although today, somehow I felt "the angry". Literally. My cubicle wall could no longer absorb the anger. I could feel her erupting. She was typing/pounding on her keyboard so hard that it was actually causing my desk on the other side to shake with fear! The vibrations distracted me. It made me wonder, why so angry? It made me ask..."do you need a hug?"

I peered over the wall and asked the question. I offered some softness to replace her hard outer shell. She was startled. Super Happy Fun Guy meets Super Angry Chick. Normally people don't talk to her. They fear her. They are afraid of her anger. Perhaps she is misunderstood. Perhaps she just needs something warm in her life. Like a hug. So I asked. So I offered. It was a joke. I was seriously joking. She may of just wanted me to be serious? Next time I feel her erupting, I won't ask if she needs a hug. I will just do it. Like a joke. But nobody will be laughing.

"Why are you so happy?" She asks in a tone that is somewhat sarcastic, somewhat curious. "Because it's Friday", I reply. It's as simple as that. That's it. And that's all. Because it's Friday.

When the big things in life get you down, sometimes you need to let the little things put that smile on your face. A Friday helps. And a hug...a hug never hurts.

Amish Thug Life - Beyond Crazy!

What is the world coming to when people are shooting up the Amish? Are you kidding me - the Amish? Who hates the Amish? What did the Amish ever do to anyone? Ok, maybe they screwed the power company out of a few sales. But seriously, the Amish? They are harmless! How can you justify killing a bunch of Amish schoolgirls? Man, we live in a sick world! As morbid as it may sound and as morbid as it really is, I don't mean to make light of what happened the other day in Quarryville, PA. However, I have a few questions on my mind...

Since the Amish don't like being photographed, they feel it shows vanity and pride, I'm going to respect that. Although if I may make a small suggestion, the new Amish attire should include this shirt. It's still black, which is their color of choice, and it gives crazies fair warning. So as you see, it may be quite beneficial to Amish lifestyle these days...unless they are going to start packin' heat? Or this could be used in conjunction with your nine?

Who here is offended by bowl haircuts? A show of hands please. I'm raising mine. Not to be a hater, but having your hair styled in the form of my morning cereal bowl just isn't sexy. Perhaps there was a day in time, way back when, that it was viewed as "sexy". Although today, not even Justin Timberlake could bring sexy back in the form of a bowl haircut. That style should only be worn by the little boy who graces the outside label on a Dutch Boy paint can. Other than him, sorry but the bowl gotta go. Still, with that said...as much as I dislike the Dutch boy cut, I wouldn't go postal on an Amish schoolhouse!

So what is it that posses someone to unload all their hate and anger on the Amish? Do you not like churned butter? Is that what's bothering you so? I don't know if I've ever had churned butter myself, but I'm sure it can't be horrific tasting. I assume it's similar if not tastier than "I Can't Believe It's Not Butter" spray? These are just my thoughts. And what about the home sewn outfits, clunky soled shoes, brimmed hats and free flowing beards...are those things rubbing people the wrong way too? I mean you won't see that look being shown during NY Fashion Week, but does it offend people so much that they need to be shot over it?

Hey, the Amish may be a little different (alright, ALOT different), but there are many good things to be said about the Amish. One being that you never saw a single Amish person featured on Dateline's "To Catch A Predator." Right? You don't see it because they aren't online. No cell phones. No computer. No PPV porn? Wow, life as an Amish man must suck! You won't see them cybersexing little boys while they are in congress...ahem, Mark Foley. Which reminds me, Mr. Foley, please stop asking me what color panties I'm wearing. They're pink ok. Happy now? You sick son of a...

The Booty Call Surprise

I'm not sure of the origin on "The Booty Call", but if I were to take a guess, it started in the 90s. And according to Wikipedia, the be all/end all accurate information resource via the Internet (obviously that is sarcasm), I would be correct in my guesstimate. Let me break it down for you, Wiki-Wiki-Wikipedia-style, for those of you not in the know. (FYI, I moonlight as a wiki-wiki-wack record scratchier. That was a taste of my flava. I know you're impressed.)

A booty call is a telephone call or visitation made with the sole intent of engaging in sex with the person being contacted. In most instances, a booty call is made when the prospect of a traditional romantic date is highly unlikely (example: late in the evening, after midnight or in the pre-dawn hours), thus making it obvious that the intent of the call is for the sole purpose of obtaining and engaging in sexual intercourse. It has been adapted into mainstream American society and is used to request sexual favors by calling an acquaintance that may or may not be romantically linked to the caller. Although traditionally the telephone is used for a booty call, the last ten years have seen the rise of IM, chat, e-mail, and text message booty calling.

It's Friday night and I'm out having a good time. My cell phone beeps. Incoming text message. I open it up and read "where r u?" I reply with "why". She responds back asking "wanna come over?" Despite the fact that I'm a little buzzed, I understand what she's asking, very clearly. It's after midnight and she wants me to come over. Taking into consideration I've never dated her nor slept with her, she has made her crush on me no secret for the last month or two. I'm also well aware of her feelings on the whole "fuck buddy" scenario and she's told me that she doesn't want me to play that role, but instead be open to perhaps playing a more significant role. One which would require the actual courtship...you know, that thing called dating that alot of people seem to skip right over these days. In very crass terms, they would call this booty without the bill.

So I'm either very sweet or very stupid for turning this booty call down. Knowing what I know about her, her feelings on the whole one-night stand situation, I couldn't justify the act. I'm sure it would have been fun, but I think she would have awoke the next morning with mixed emotions. I feel it wasn't really about the sex. I'm not sure that's exactly what she really wanted. I feel that she wanted someone there. Someone just to be.

Last night, she contacts me again in a similar fashion. This time she claims "something is up my chimney". She thinks it's a bat! She seems to be hinting around for me to come over and take care of it. Take care of the bat...or take care of her? Was this just a cheap ploy at disguising yet another booty call request? Half of me thinks it was, but the other half of me feels it was just another request for me to "just be".

Perhaps I missed my window of opportunity for a no strings attached lay. Maybe it flew out the window with the bat, which by the way, turned out to actually be just a mouse. Sometimes sexual connotations and innuendoes are not about sex at all. They are masked words asking someone to come over...just to be.